About Me

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Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Blog Archive

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Becoming a Mother of 2: Expectations and Worries

Today, the thought of being a mom to not just Hayleigh has been on my mind. The only thing I have to compare this to is dogs..Yes, dogs. When you get a puppy, your time is spent watching that puppy like a hawk- trying to potty train it, thinking in the back of your mind about your other dog sitting there already potty trained, and how much easier it was before this puppy. When potty training the puppy, I would think of things I wanted to be doing then, or needed to be doing, wishing we had a routine, and that the little stinker would cooperate. I would tell Missy that I was sorry, and she would just sit there giving me a look like, "Why did you have to bring this little monster home?"

I worry that this is the way it will go when Reid gets here, and I have Hayleigh hanging on me, begging me for more time with her. I remember when we brought Hayleigh home from the hospital, after the first few days, thinking, I was a complete lazy bum- I did nothing! That is in fact not true. I worked part time at UPS- nights, through the day, I would sleep 6 hrs to just get up to clean, and then baby my yard- push mowing for the joy of it. I worshiped our yard- it was my thing. Needless to say that once I got pregnant, the yard was off limits, and after that, my haven was gone. There were more important things to take care of- Hayleigh.

I LOVED my maternity leave. I would stay up until 1 am, cleaning the house- making it pristine. I even painted our living room and hung decals, redecorated our bedroom, and the living room. I thrived like that. I would be up at 5 am after going to bed, to feed Hayleigh, then we would both sleep until 8 am. I was up and about- out and on the go. I dreaded going back to work after a two week shy of being 3 month leave. Then, when I started working part time again, things were harder. I had to be up and getting ready to go to work at 5am, out of the house by 5:20 to make it to the sitter's, to make it to work 5 min before 6 am. Things were then harder- I was worn out by the time I picked Hayleigh up at noon. We would go home, and take a nap, then onto our schedule. I was no longer able to stay up and get stuff done as much as I would like, and I did not have the relief most moms get- when their husband would get home from work every night. I had Hayleigh all week long, and Allen was there on the weekends. He would try to help me out, give me breaks, etc. This all brings me to today...

This morning, I was up at 3:30 am. I had been up every 2 hours through the night. Hayleigh did not want to go to sleep by herself- I have no idea why we are struggling with this now. I sat there thinking is it going to be the same way again? After Reid gets here, am I going to think I did nothing- I was lazy. We had soo much freedom? I'm guessing I will. Hayleigh can play by herself, and keep herself entertained to a point. I can at least lay on the couch and try to relax. Some days, she is demanding,and some days, she is a big help to me around the house. I worry now about her. I'm not worried about coming home from the hospital- those first few weeks- there will be people here to help- and help out with keeping Hayleigh happy and busy. It is after everyone leaves that I am worried about. How to keep a 2 year old content, while getting a newborn on a schedule and keeping him happy as well, WHILE adjusting to having 2 kids to take care of all by myself for 2 weeks at a time. WHEW!! I imagine there will be lots of tough days, and I will not have the convenience of taking Hayleigh to my mom's house, or another relatives house to get a break. It will be all on me, while Allen is 12 hours away, and my family and friends are 19 hours away from me. I know I can do it- I have to. There is no other choice for me/us.

This time I will at least not be returning to a job- so I will not be having to get 2 kids to readjust to another schedule for me to work, and to try to work around them as well. But, at the same time, this scares me. I do get lonely every now and then now- I love talking to friends and family back home most days. Those adult conversations that do not include Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, or anything related to Disney Jr. help keep my head above water. I know that these people do not realize just how much 30 minutes on the phone a few days a week helps out, but I only get to talk to Allen maybe 20 minutes a day, and that is added together from 2 phone calls- one to wake him up, and the other to try to catch up on what little we can after he gets out of the shower, before he goes to eat. We mainly talk about what is going on, concerns with anything, and try to get a simple how are you out of each other, with a 1 minute vent each. I realize that some are annoyed that he doesn't get to call them as well every day, but WHEN can he do this? Our top priority is our marriage. Without a strong marriage, our kids suffer, we suffer, everyone suffers. I just wish people could keep this in mind when they are giving him a hard time when he does get to call. It is hard on us all, and trying to keep a marriage strong on the phone with 20 minutes a day on the phone, not counting our week together when he is home is very hard. And to add to that, trying to keep up with a 2 year old, and making him feel like he is a big part of our family, and is not missing out is even harder with Reid on the way. Anyway, done with my little rant.

But, all of this really does scare me- being home alone with 2 kids under the age of 2 1/2, 24/7, 2 weeks at a time. How will I keep my sanity? Will I be able to keep our whole family a float while Allen is gone? I just pray that Reid is a happy, easy baby. Hayleigh was a really easy baby, and I am praying for Reid to be even easier for me- for our sake. I know I can't be superwoman, and do everything, but I know Allen already thinks I am. He calls worried about me being this far along, taking care of the house, bills, Hayleigh, and myself with Reid, and him too. I tell him all of the time, we are fine. He always replies with, "I know, you're tough Supermom..." I always tell him I have to be, and good thing I'm already somewhat tough. With Allen being up there far away from us, the last thing I need is for him to worry about us, and me handling it all.

So, I'm trying to prepare for Reid, for becoming a mother of 2. After everyone leaves, I want to be able to stand with my head up, knowing I got this, not sitting there crying, pulling my hair out, hating my life. Because, in the end how can you ever say that you wish that you wouldn't have had a baby? I want to be able to enjoy every day with our kids while they are little. I want to have those fun days- which I am aware that not every day will be fun. I want for both Reid and Hayleigh to both know that I gave them all that I had, and tried to be everything to them too. Our house may not ever be this clean again, and I may look pretty frumpy for quite a while, until they get older, but I want to at least give my all for my family, knowing I did, instead of wishing I had given more someday, and not worried so much about everything else.

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