About Me

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Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Blog Archive

Monday, December 28, 2009

11 Weeks and Looking back on a great year 2009!

So, to start off, 11 wks today! Big milestone for baby M! I can't believe that next week I will be 3 months! It seems like a lifetime since October when we were going through our last cycle of IUI! Things have been settling in... Allen and I have been thinking more and more about what is to come next year, and enjoying what little "alone" time- just the 2 of us we have left. Six months is not a long time. It has began to make me a little worried about how fast this will all go. In six months, it will mark a year since I started going to Dr. Gentry in Evansville... how mind boggling it is to me to think back if I had known last year that this would be to come this coming summer, I don't think that I would believe you.

Anyway, 2009... 2009, has been one of the best years of my life to say the least. Allen and I have been together 10 years this year, happily married for 6 - lucky number 7 next year! Parts of our family are growing and coming together into place. I feel like 2009 is the last year of my life.. I am growing into a whole new one next year that will change completely forever. I know weird of me to get all mushy gushy, but, I can't help but think of these things now. I don't think that our marriage could be any stronger now, and my heart feels completely open and happy for once. I am not so sad about things now, about being left out of the race of life.. our lives are coming together.

We had a great Christmas this year, I don't think that there was anything that I wanted and didn't get for Christmas this year. I got way more than what I asked for that is for sure.

My wish for 2010, I would say will be good health, happiness, and prosperity for everyone.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

10 weeks!!

Well, I haven't been on here in a while... I finally started to get some energy back, so I figured I would get on here and get everyone up to date. Yesterday, I finally made it to 10 weeks. It has been flying by soo fast now! I got released from Evansville last Monday, after hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time with Allen. It is such an amazing thing to hear..your own baby's heartbeat! The heartbeat was 172 beats/min... Mom swears girl.. but, I am feeling deep down like this will be a boy. The baby was dancing around, waving it's arms around as we watched on the monitor. It is funny that sometimes I kind of "forget" about being pregnant. I just think I guess that this is just a phase that will go away sometime soon. I guess I am just still in denial, even though we have known for over 6 weeks now. I wonder how long it will take until it finally sinks in that this is really happening and it is not just a dream.

Baby M 9wks- moving all around, and finally heard the heart beat for the first time!

I had my first regular ob appointment last Friday. I am going to Olney.. I know, not my first choice, but the hospital that was closest that I wanted to go to is now out of network for my insurance, so, I am seeing Sandra Poland, the midwife at RMH. She will work out just fine, I wanted someone that would be there for the WHOLE experience. So, for my first regular OB appointment, they went ahead and did the HIV test, and every other test for everything else, and a pap smear to boot.. I felt like a car getting a tune up... having 5 vials of blood taken felt like getting my oil changed. Everything looks great yet. I expressed my concern with Gestational Diabetes since I have PCOS, and I am at a higher risk of developing it, so I got information on that and had my glucose checked too. I got to leave with lots of booklets and magazines, which I still have not completely went over yet. I think the most interesting part of the appointment was when Sandy was asking about our experience with the fertility clinic in Evansville. She was really interested in what all was involved and how much it all cost.

My last two weeks have consisted of morning sickness, feeling like I was hung over with a headache, and now emotional roller coaster and cravings like no other. Now that the emotions have rolled in, it seems like now that I get upset over everything a little easier, the more ridiculous stuff rolls in.

I really had something big hit me yesterday that just completely made me speechless at first. Now, I guess we will have to wait and see what happens from here, but, I just cannot believe just how incredibly wrong it is. All I will say is that babies are not dogs, you can't just find them another home when you get sick of them, or don't have time for them. The situation is just really against all that I stand for. Having a baby should be something made from love, not just want. There are ways to prevent getting into a situation like this. I just don't understand why anyone could ever want to bring a baby into this world with no stable home, job, relationship, or even health insurance. And, to add injury to insult, wonder why some people think badly of this person, even though their actions are a direct reflection of who they really are. This is just something I really have a hard time swallowing, without seeming like a self absorbed bitch to the people involved with this. I am just a blunt person.. I just don't like dancing around stuff. Soo, we will see what happens I guess. It is all in God's hands.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

7 wks!!

Baby McCann at 7wks!

Well, we have finally made it to 7wks! I had another doctor's appointment on Monday morning. At least I did not have to go alone for this one! Allen and my mom went along, and I have to say it was very strange in a way. I had to do an internal ultrasound- I really don't like them and this was like the 10th one. We get back in the room for the ultrasound, and I have to strip.. both Allen and my mom just stand there looking at me.. I am about to start asking for some music and some dollar bills at this point it is soo ackward. So, we wait, and wait, and wait... finally, Dr. Gentry comes in with the ultrasound tech I absolutely cannot stand! They find the first baby right off the bat with no problems.. I ask about the second, so they search, and search, but cannot find it. Dr. Gentry made his second apperance since I had started going to the clinic in July, it was really weird to see him. I just really missed Tarrah, my usual gal I have there, she was on a day off for once. Anyway, Dr. Gentry said that with twins, it is very easy to lose one, especially when they both try to attach too close to one another. So, we zero in on the one baby. I can hear Mom and Allen sigh, we are all disappointed.. especially my mom. We sit and watch the baby's heartbeat, and they then try to get it up on the speaker so we can listen to it. The heartbeat was just not loud enough just yet, all they kept bringing up was my heartbeat, according to the stupid tech lady. I ask about my ovaries.. at the last appointment, I was instructed no intercourse, no meds. No intercourse because there was a chance I could get pregnant again is what they told me. This time they say that my left ovary is swelled some, but that is because of all of the hormones, and I probably conceived from that ovary. I ask about intercourse, and remind them what was instructed at the last appointment.. Stupid says, ohh no, you cannot get pregnant once you are already pregnant... BULL! I have seen stories on tv and on the internet. And, to top that off, she says the only we were to avoid intercourse after the last appointment was for my comfort.. What a crock!! I told them at the last appointment that our 6 year wedding anniversary was that weekend.. I could suffer if it was up to me! I swear I really really hate that lady!

Anyway, I go back in two weeks, and then I should be released. SO, now for the hunt for the OB.. I still have no idea where we will be going.. Effingham is out of network for my insurance as of this year, so that shoots my plans for that. My mom is really pushing for Olney... I just really do not know about that.. there are some things that cannot be said with out really getting into mud boots to discuss about the reason I do not want to go to Olney, but, I just don't.

Today is the first day I have felt good... usually I lie around all day feeling "hung over". I have yet to get sick, so hopefully I am about out of the clear now.

We are still kind of bummed about not having both babies on the way.. but, after all that we have been through, one is a great blessing to have! We still do not know if this will be an only child now, or if we will try again someday.. only time will tell.

I just hope that our families can get together and be good.. I don't need any other "kids" to watch that is. I am sure that everything will be fine, it is just a lot harder with both of our parents being divorced, and those parents not speaking to each other, or being civil... I wish that they could see things from our perspective to say the least. We have to be careful not to look like we "favor" someone over everyone else.. it is just like walking on eggshells to me.

Monday, November 23, 2009

6 weeks!

Well, slowly but surely, I am getting further and further along with the babies. Today they should be the size of a lentil bean.. about a 1/4 of an inch. I am really feeling the fatigue of pregnancy, I could lounge around all day, and be just fine. I have been eating the absolute healthiest I can.. I just have to watch acidic stuff and carbonated drinks.. I swell like a hot air balloon. Other than that, I feel great, and I am really enjoying being pregnant!

As of now, I think most of everyone we could tell the news to has been told already. My sister suggested that we wait until we were 3 months along.. who can really wait for that?? Anyway, Saturday, we visited my Grandma and Grandpa Travous, who already knew - my dad has been keeping them updated. I kind of knew better than to get my hopes up about how my Grandparents would react.. I think if I had the ability to walk on water, it would be just an ordinary thing. So, when you are about to tell your grandparents.. with whom you was one of only two grand kids to them until a few years ago, that they are going to be Great Grandparents.. one would think they should be just a little but excited or at least... happy?? We no more than walked in their house, and Grandpa did not say a word the whole time... Grandma wanted to discuss Ruth, my aunt's adopted 3 yr old daughter, whom is named for my Grandma. Big Surprise!! I had to be too nice too.. they were not doing anything for Thanksgiving, and since my dad and his wife are coming over Thanksgiving night, I went ahead and extended the invite to them as well. It wouldn't be as bad I guess, IF, throughout the 3 years we have lived in our house.. a mere 2 miles away from my grandparents, they have yet to come and visit. They are able to get around just fine, so, I have never figured out what the reason was behind all of this. Ohh, well, no use in worrying about anything that I cannot change. I guess my family on my dad's side is just not close at all, and it makes everything really awkward. I just hope for the sake of the babies coming, that people can act a little bit more happy and excited to see them someday.. we all know that day will be here sooner than we know it. So, that is my rant and rave from the weekend.

In other news, Sunday, was our 6 year wedding anniversary.. couldn't have had any better of a gift than finding out we were going to be parents! I really think this is the happiest that I have really been in a really long time. I think that both Allen and I really both feel this way. Our lives are changing in a really dramatic way, and our lives are never going to be the same again. No more just taking off to go wherever, whenever...we will have other priorities to keep in mind now.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Funny how things work out......

Okay..okay! I know I have not been on here for a REALLY long time, and some much needed catching up is in order!

Well, let me start from the last few weeks counting down to now. Over the last 2 and a half week wait, I did not watch any baby shows - with the exception of last Friday of Baby Lab. I thought that show wouldn't hurt to watch.. people were trying for babies just like me, so that one was okay. But, other than that, no baby shows, books, movies, or thoughts. I was really thinking AF was going to rear her ugly head last week. To me, it is still a surprise to see no AF, even though I know better now.
I fully did not expect this round to work.. I was sick all through the follistim injections, I got migraines, an allergy cold on the day of IUI. I just did not feel like things were going to work out right... I was very very wrong!

I just about had a melt down on last Wednesday, when I thought AF was coming, but to my surprise it was very very little there, and AF never did come back.. this started making me really anxious.

Last Friday night, Allen and I went out to eat in Effingham. Holly, my friend/cousin, was going into labor, so we thought we would stop in to see them if she had delivered her little girl before we left Effingham. She did not though. We had to go to Menards and to Wal-Mart, so I could pick up a pregnancy test. I was not too excited this time to say the least. The wait on this round was not hard.. we just didn't think about it, and we were discussing starting up again in January, and talking about what we would do if that round did not work either. So, I picked up a First Response test pack of 3.. hey, I was saving the rest for January. We went home and got to bed early.

1:23 am.. I wake up, and think what the heck.. so I get my stuff ready and I take the test. Now, last round, I went out of the room, and waited the 3 min. for the test, this one I thought what the hell, I'll just stay and watch. Well, it did not take long at all. I saw the wet line progress across the window, and it was like Christmas tree lights that were just plugged in.. boom boom two VERY bright lines! I was kind of numb.. I just stood there and looked at it, kind of questioning it. I guess I was just very surprised that it was that bright. So, I went in and woke Allen up. I told him I wanted him to see something. He followed me into the bathroom, the toilet was still running since I had dumped my cup out, since the first test had worked. Allen goes into the bathroom, and I point at the counter and tell him to go and look. He then goes and lifts up the toilet lid, and says ohh, the toilet is not over flowing? Keep in mind this is now 1:30 in the morning. So, I tell him to look at the counter, he picks the test strip up, and kind of squints at it.. he says, "ohh, yeah, that is definately a positive." We then just stood there and stared at each other and the test, kind of in shock. He gives me a hug and a kiss, and we go back to bed.. just lying there, staring at each other. We both finally decided we couldn't sleep, so, we go ahead downstairs to the family room, and Allen started playing his game, and I surfed the internet, signing up for a pregnancy magazine, and checking due date calculators. Allen made it clear.. no Facebook. You have no idea how hard it was to keep off of Facebook, but I did it. We both discussed things to come, how we would tell everyone, and when we would tell everyone. We were hoping to wait until Thanksgiving, but, as you can still see, Thanksgiving is still a week away! Allen left later on to go deer hunting.. I was soo anxious, and bored! We agreed not to tell anyone without both of us being present, that way no one was annoyed that they did not get to tell someone.

As you can see one test was not enough.. we had to go digital too!

Saturday went by really pretty slow, we had to make our rounds of telling people. Magen, my sister was the first, only because she was the only one up at 1:30 in the morning.. my mom, and Allen's family followed soon after that. I was really surprised at how excited everyone was that we told. I figured it was going to be like when Allen and I got engaged.. no one was too thrilled about that.

I got my first appointment at Dr. Gentry's office on Tuesday morning, to get my blood pregnancy test, testing my HCG Beta level, and progestrone level. I got the report back from their office later that afternoon that I was indeed pregnant... this was no news to me. But, then they told me that I was VERY pregnant.. my beta level was 3308.. really high for a singleton. They went ahead and had me come in the next morning to do the first ultrasound to try to check to see exactly how many there were. I was late getting to my appointment, and had to go by myself. My mom was doing CPR classes at the high school, and could not leave, and Allen was not going to get in, in time. Tara, the same nurse I had dealt with the whole time, greeted me. She was soo excited! She told me she always remembers the IUIs she has done. I went ahead and got ready for the stupid wand internal ultrasound - if you have never had one of these done, consider yourself very very lucky... this was my 9th one soo far. Anyway, we made short talk while she looked at the screen. She finally found the first one, and had the other tech come in the room. She took control of the wand and had it jabbed every which way, and up on my cervix. They finally found the second, but, it would not quite hiding from behind the other enough to measure it, so they just went ahead and measured the one and took pictures of it for me. I then got my due date.. July 19th - I wasn't far off..I had come up with July 20th and 21st from the calculators I had done online. Tara went ahead and scheduled me to come back in 2 weeks, so by then we could see heart beats and the babies would be bigger by then too, making it a whole lot easier to see them. The only other news I got was that my ovaries were sooo swelled up, that we were to avoid intercourse for at least 2 weeks, maybe longer. I kind of grimiced.. our 6 year wedding anniversary is this Sunday. At least we have something to celebrate this year!

our first "baby picture"!! It is only of one of the two babies though

The drive home was non stop phone calls, and texts. It is really amazing that some of the people who snubbed us before we had kids, (due to we did not have kids and they did), were coming out of the cracks, and just chatting away. I really don't understand why they were like that, but, we were the "out" crowd to them, or not in the "club", I guess. I cried like a baby the rest of the way home, when I was not on the phone.. I just realized that Mother's Day and Father's Day will not consist of avoiding thinking about the date, and getting cards from our dogs, but, would be something special from now on after.. Christmas, and birthdays to come would be different... everything was going to change in our lives. It was finally like reaching the next level in Super Mario Bros, after being stuck on the same level forever. I know silly way to put it.

We are sooo excited and blessed beyond words now! It is funny how things work out, even if it seems like nothing goes your way, it turns into exactly what you really wanted all along.

Missy and Toby already "know" I am sure of it. Missy has been kind of moody and not really cuddly to me anymore, but, she has been coming around. I keep telling them that no one can replace them. They were both our babies first, and they are not going to be cast aside. I couldn't even imagine life without them. They are a part of our family that is now growing.

I am just soo happy to know that God has not been ignoring me, or thinking that I did something soo wrong that God did not want me to be a mother. Dreams just don't come any truerer... welcome to the future.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Getting Ready for the BIG day .... AGAIN

Okay, So I have been keeping a secret from everyone. Allen and I ARE in the middle of our 2nd IUI cycle. Friday was my last day for my follistim injections. I was prescribed Femera once again, with follistim injections at 60 instead of 75 units per day, followed by HCG Trigger shot last night. I went in for my first ultrasound on Wednesday the 14th, and started with my femera on Thursday, the 15th. I started my injections on Saturday, the 17th. I was fully expecting some of the same side effects as what I had had the last round, joint pain, and hot flashes... that was it. Boy, was I wrong! This round, I have had nausa, aches, migraine, a allergy cold and hot flashes. I didn't really have anything until this last Thursday. It seemed like every time I would give myself an injection, within a few hours, I would be up out of bed throwing up in the bathroom. It was always the same, 3-4 times in one sitting, and then I was fine. Friday morning was the worst, and I do mean the WORST.. I had been sick of course that night.. thank God I was on vacation this last week! Anyway, we had our follicle ultrasound check, and blood work doctor visit at Evansville @ 9:30 that morning. I woke up with a full out migraine, nausa, stopped up head, and just plain blah feeling- the absolute worst feeling ever! I really felt like I had a really bad hangover!

We got to the doctor's office with 5 min to spare.. it ended up being the longest wait I have ever had - we waited over an hour to get in... needless to say, they were very busy. We finally got back after I had my blood work done. My RE found 3 really good looking follicles this time, and they were all around the same size, unlike last time. This visit was very easy going- my RE did the ultrasound scan instead of that rip from hell that did the last cycle. I ended up with 4 follicles this time, one ended up hiding behind another. But, at least we were balanced this time, 2 on each side! So, since everything looks good, we are now going in tomorrow morning at 7:30am for IUI. I really can't say that I am really that geared up about this round. I have had a slight fever off and on, that I have been taking tyloneol for, and I have been stuffed up to boot.

So, if this round doesn't work, I really don't think that it will really surprise me... nothing around the whole cycle has went right... at least I didn't over achieve this time on follicles. We are really hoping that this round works.. if not, we will have to wait until December to do the next cycle. I am guessing though, that December will be soo busy, that we will have to wait until at least Janurary to start up again. So, with all of that being said, Surprise!! We were really not going to say anything to anyone, but, heh, with the way I feel right now, I think you could burn down a barn and I would just go and get marshmallows! So, wish us luck, and so this begins the long awaited wait, until November 15th until we can test. Yes, I am waiting the entire 35 day wait this time. It starts from day 1 of my cycle, so, the 15th will be day 35. Don't hold your breath! I promise I will not be!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Starting Over

I know it has been a while since I have been on here last. Over the past time, I have struggled with many emotions- mainly not soo good ones. I have been getting overwhelmed more easily lately, and I have been more tired. I am tired of everything not going as according to "my plan".

It seems like I have just stopped caring about others, while I try to take care of myself. More and more people are popping up pregnant... some with the same "due date time" as I would have had.

Things just have been rough after the last round not "sticking". I really feel deep down that because I have been trying to bury the pain down, and go on, everything else has just felt like it has not been going right either.

I guess I had not really come to the realization that I was really feeling this way until a few weeks ago. Allen and I went out to go bow hunting. We did not even make it out of the truck before we started arguing. It was the most ridiculous thing to fight about... I forgot my release for my bow at home... Allen had been getting all of the gear together, and did not get the release in the bag. I had a huge fit over it, and he finally just asked me what I was soo mad about. I replied without even thinking "I should be pregnant right now, and not even be here!" I really love hunting, and I had been preparing myself before the iui cycle mentally that I would not be hunting this year. Well, as you can see, my "plans" were changed of course, and, I never really made myself face this issue.

Days are going by, getting better and better. We are planning a new cycle... we are just will not be saying much about it this time. I planned too much, and really "lived" everything on the last cycle, so I will just be taking it easy on the next, and try not to get too obsessed about the next. I really think there is such a thing as trying too hard... I am a prime example of this some days. So, the next cycle, we will not be "trying sooo hard".

We are hanging in there for the time being... I promise I'll be back to my regular self soon. If the time comes for the next cycle, I will keep everything saved as a draft, until we can announce anything. We were really hoping for this month to be the month to try again, but things have just been soo rough, we are debating over just letting everything settle before starting again.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Well, today was a day for no sleep... The phone rang off the hook today. Just different people wanting to catch up, and me just wanting to sleep. So, the one call I screened ended up being Dr. Gentry's office- my RE called me from a different # on my cell phone, and I did not recognize it, so, with me being tired, I let it go to voicemail. My RE said they have reviewed my chart from this last cycle that didn't stick. The next cycle we choose to do, I will be taken down from 75 to 60 of follistim, and kept on femera, just like the last cycle. I went ahead and called my RE back, and left a message on my concern for me being put on estrogen after the next IUI, and asked for the details on when I need to call, for next cycle date we choose to do.

I am sooo not looking forward to all of the injections and pills once again... at least I know what to expect for the next round. At least this time when we video the first injection, I will not be whining, or scared.. it will be just like plucking eyebrows.. hurts a little, but nothing out of the ordinary anymore.

It is still up in the air on when we will actually do the next cycle. A part of me wants to wait until after Christmas- enough stress through the holidays.. and the other part of me really wants to do it next month. If we wait until after Christmas, I can hunt this fall. Allen has decided that I am not doing ANYTHING at all for the next cycle but lie around like a bump on a log. NO climbing a tree stand, just to sit and watch, no sitting in the cold, no going up and down stairs more than a few times a day, and the list goes on, and on....

Only time will truly tell what we are going to do. We plan on keeping the next cycle a hush hush thing. This last went smooth, except for the end when all of the drama started, following me miscarrying. The drama came from someone who knew that we were in the middle of the cycle, but, did not even consider it when it came time for them to throw a fit over nothing. So, I am going to keep to myself, and be a hermit for the next cycle. Until the next cycle though, I am unrestricted from lashing out and bitch slapping someone. lol... like that will really happen, but, you never know.

On a different note, go figure, I have a wisdom tooth trying to come down again. This stupid tooth has dropped, started to break through, then went back up, waited 6 months, and done the same thing over. Needless to say, I am fully expecting it to be a problem when the time comes for us to go through another cycle. Yes, I am a big baby, and do not want to have it cut out quite yet. So, it will just be in limbo until I finally decide I can't take it anymore.

I am just kind of waiting for this all to work, and the birds start chirping, and the world to start smiling... It just feels like the race has once again started, and we blew an engine or something... now we are out of this race. Everyone loves the underdog though?? right?? So, with that being said, this next round, I will be the underdog that has to win.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Moving on

I know it has been a while since I have made a post. I am doing much better. Last week was the week from hell. The week that would not end. This week has been much better. I have been keeping busy around the house with cleaning and starting back up on my yard work. Saturday was kind of a okay day.. The one thing that I had bought on ebay before we found out that I miscarried arrived. It was the Boyd's bear "baby on board" bear. To my surprise, Allen did not give me a hard time for being on Ebay for once.

Today, I was cleaning out my email, I still have been getting the Baby Center "your baby at week..." I finally unsubscribed to that, and got on my account and deleted the pregnancy from my calender. It still showed where I would be right now... 6wks, would be on 7 wks Friday. It was a painful reminder of what would have been. I am still okay. Just taking this all a day at a time, and planning for the next cycle.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Auto Pilot

Auto Pilot is exactly what I am on right now. Today the anger and emotions have really started to set in. It is just very hard knowing I had something sooo great, only to have it ripped from me. I feel cold and angry. I try to stay on top of this and not let the negatives in and win, but, it feels like I am just slipping more and more.

It really hurts, and I know everyone knows it.. it will get better, even I know this. I know there is no use worrying over it, or being angry, it is done.

I just feel like an empty shell right now. I know I need to keep my spirits up, and just trudge on through, but I can't.

Everyone has been so very supportive- I could not ask for any better friends or family that are keeping the light lite for me. I guess this is all just part of the grieving process. I am still okay, just in a slump right now. I just found out that a 16 year old girl at the high school is pregnant. I want to scream at God and ask why not hers instead of mine? She doesn't want it, who knows if she will even keep it? Life is not fair, and there is a plan, even though we cannot see the plan. I just have a problem with little things like this.

I want to scream, cry, and just lie here sometimes. I was supposed to be going to the doctor this week for good news, not this. It is funny how the week you are the most excited about living, turns into the week you would like to die. Thank God I have a job that helps me not think about this stuff quite sooo much.

I just keep thinking back, only last week I still had it... why can't I go back??? I want to feel it again. I don't know if I can explain this to anyone... I felt it. I really did. I could feel that small bump in my stomach to where my uterus had swelled up, I would just hold it, and smile last week, and on before that. Now, it is back to normal. NO bump.

Allen and I have agreed that we would try until we reached 30.. we really wanted to be done by now. If by the time we are 30, and things are still like the way they are now.. I just don't see us going on with this much further. I knew this was going to be hard. This has been harder than my first miscarriage. The first one happened after we had only been married for 6 months. Allen did not understand. We were not trying to prevent it back then. But, now, I think the reason this one has been sooo hard, is that we REALLY REALLY wanted this to happen this time. It's not that we didn't the first time, but, we really did not have as much put into the first one as we did this one.

I know that time heals all wounds. I cannot even remember the date that the first one happened. I remember the day, just not the date. I know that this rounds dates I will remember. I have my instruction sheets from the doctor, the meds, and the pictures to remind me. I wanted to keep everything, just so that if it worked, I can show it all to our kids someday. I will still keep everything. I am thinking of getting a small box to put it all in- kind of like a memory box. I'm thinking that it will help me get some kind of closure from this all.

I am soo sorry to make anyone else upset or feel really bad too. That is the last thing I wanted.

We are sooo lucky to have great friends and family who really do care about us. I am soo lucky to have a husband that understands, and is taking care of me- I am usually the caretaker. Giving up the caretaker role has been hard, but, I am just finally sliding over, and letting myself be the one to accept the help.

This will always be a sad week for me to remember.. I just know that there will be several great weeks to make that bad week not soo bad to remember.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'm gonna take that Mountain

I know I am such a sensitive person, but I do get inspired by even the smallest things. Music really reaches out and touches me, country music touches my soul. It reminds me of when I was young, and growing up, it was like they were writing about me... So with that comes the song that I am going to stick into my head, and get through this period of time. If you don't like country music I am sorry. The song is "I'm gonna take that Mountain" by Reba

Passing the test, just to Fail the Course

I'm sorry that it has taken me sooo long to get back on here. It has been a very VERy rough few days. I wanted to post on here sooooo bad what happened last Sunday. So, I guess I will just have to recap it all- this may be long.. okay it will be long, but I will not leave anything out.
Sunday morning: get up at 5:30am to pee on stick. Peed in cup-just in case I would have to retest. Left the stick on the counter in the bathroom and sat in the dark in the living room, watching the clock. I rocked in that stupid rocking chair for what seemed like an hour. I got up and went in and checked the test, flipping the light on, half blinding me - Allen didn't know I was even up yet. I squint and strain my eyes... there are two lines!!! One faint one, and one really bright line, showing the test had worked correctly. There was 2 lines though! At 5 days before the anticipation of AF, there were 2 lines! I went ahead and stuck the 2 test in the cup, stirring it like soup to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Waited 3 min. again... 2 lines! POSITIVE!!!!! What was weird, was I was not that excited it was soo surreal, but,.. deep down I knew the whole time- I felt it. No one could tell me there was not anything in there- I could feel it.

I got Allen up, he looked at the tests, and he was skeptical. He thought you would be able to see something where the 2nd line appeared anyway... So, we went back to bed, and then got back up and marched over to our neighbors. I showed Reagan the tests- she says, "that is definitely a positive!!!" I finally breathed a sigh of relief, and told Allen I knew it. It was sooo nice to have someone finally excited about this. Jeff and Reagan had us stay over for a celebration steak lunch. I just couldn't believe it was that easy... okay it hasn't been that easy, but first try with IUI. After we left the neighbors, we stopped by Walmart again, and picked up 3 more tests. I had taken 2 First Response test that morning- they have the best consumer rating. So, we picked up an EPT test and another box of 2 First Response for later in the week. I waited until we got home - I had not peed in almost 4 hours, so I tried the EPT test... it came back positive! Allen, now believing me, after seeing the new test, and how blank they were, started to get excited. I just kept telling him I knew it all along, that's why I wasn't in a hurry to test.

Well, then, we stopped past my mom's house, and out came all of the baby loot! We started talking about the biggest baby shower that would be hitting Richland County in the months to come- I never got a bridal shower, so I have declared that I do not care if I have to do everything my self for a baby shower, but it will be equally as great as the one on Father of the Bride II - mom says I can't have storks though :( Anyway, I was sooo content... then everyone wanted to know.. WE couldn't tell anyone without telling Allen's family first, and we had decided to wait to tell most of them until after going to the doctor's office. So, began the week of hell.

Monday, I had to lie to everyone, telling them I did not take the test. Deep down I wanted to have a big hat and banner exclaiming the news. I had my first big wave of nausea, that morning. I started getting nausea on Saturday in the truck. My psoriasis was going away, I could SMELL everything! I about gagged to death browning hamburger Monday morning. I was getting a cold, and needed soup, and was hungry for chili. Everytime I poked my head out to let the dogs out, both of our neighbors were constantly checking on me. It made me sooo proud to hear them call me "mama". Finally, I was normal- I was not the odd ball without a family started or on the way.

Tuesday, I slept all day it seemed like.. dreamed of diaper bags, baby showers, and the nursery I would build... believe me- I had this all mapped out right down to the stores on where the stuff would come from. In the back of my mind I had to keep tapping the brakes... not soo fast!

Wednesday, was my last night of work- I took off Thursday night just to get a nice weekend. I had a "friend" give me a really hard time on the phone.. the same friend I needed to be there for me, and should be the one to understand, seeing first hand what all of the doctor appointments was like. It really upset me, she never apologized to me fully. I felt awful. I sat and pet the fur babies to help keep me relaxed and calm. I worked that night, and was soo excited for the next morning.

Thursday, that morning, I took another test... still positive!!! I just didn't feel that great- kind of funky, but I thought it was my cold I had. My symptoms just were not as strong. I began to get that what if in the back of my mind... my "I know" was starting to slip. I stenciled lettering on my neighbors boat, that afternoon, only took me a half hour. After finishing the stenciling, I went back home to relax. I went to the bathroom, and noticed I had begun to spot. My heart dropped down out of my chest and went straight through the floor... WHY??? I got my self picked up and went down stairs to the recliner, and just kept yelling why over and over again, hysterical with tears gushing out of my eyes. I tried to call Allen over and over and over again... where is he? I kept asking myself. I was sooo angry with everyone.. me- it is my fault. I didn't have to do ANYTHING! Allen and I had just wasted a thousand dollars on this. I had wasted it! Allen finally called, and talked me off the edge of the cliff. He is the only one I can talk to when I am that hurt. He is my best friend, and the only one who really knows me. He kept asking if I was okay.. I just mumbled I guess. He talked me down, it was just spotting, not full flood gate of hell. I could still be. We would just have to wait and see. I decided to wait to call my RE until we saw how it would shake out. I woke up after barely sleeping Friday morning early, to full on cramps and flood gates of hell. I called the RE, they told me that as long as I was able to keep the bleeding under control for 30 min at a time between changing pads, and there were not any large clots, dizziness, or anything of that sort, to call Tuesday, and come in to be checked out. There really was nothing they could do, besides monitor me. I went ahead and rode with Allen, no matter how stupid that was, to ride with him to haul pigs. I really didn't care at that point. I did not feel "pregnant" anymore. My boobs didn't hurt, I was not sick to my stomach, my lower abdomen did not pull. Just really bad cramps in waves, with bad bleeding. I needed Allen there with me, I didn't care what I had to do just to be with him. I was very emotional. I also just found out that a old friend of my sister's was having a baby girl. I wanted to feel soo happy for them- they are a really good couple and deserve this... but what about me too?

The cramps subsided after around noon. I was just numb from everything. My eyes burned from crying, my nose was stopped up, and my head hurt.

Saturday was nothing special. We just mainly laid in bed all morning, listening to it rain. I just kept thinking to myself, at least someone up above is crying for me today. We got out of the house, and went to the popcorn festival with our neighbors.. we had to do something to keep it off our minds. Everyone was there with their little kids. I just kept thinking to myself, someday we can do this too.

Sunday, the bleeding stopped. I decided to take a test just to see, even though I really knew deep down what the answer would be. It was def. a NO big fat NO. I showed it to Allen. We both couldn't believe how dark the 2nd line had been on the first test compared to the blank spot on that test. We just cooked supper, just the two of us, and relaxed the rest of the night.

Monday, labor day.. the day I was instructed to test by my RE. I was sooo looking forward to this day. To tell them I told you! They really did not want me to do the IUI, with the risk of multiples and "MY AGE". Now, I didn't really care who was right or wrong. It had worked, and just didn't stick for what ever reason that was. N

Now, I am just sitting here waiting for the RE to call, I left them a message on the events, and just waiting for a call back for an appointment or what they want me to do from here. We cannot try another IUI until October. We have been contemplating it, if we do go through with it, there is no deer hunting for me, we probably cannot afford to go to California in November for Thanksgiving to visit Jack and Lauren, my in laws. We would really like to just save the money, but, we know that we would have a better chance on the 2nd IUI if we did it in October too. So, right now, it is up in the air.

I am okay mentally, I knew from the beginning, that this could be a possibility. We knew the risks, and knew what we were up against. We both know we really want to be parents, but what is this going to cost us, since we are on hold prior to the IUI and after, holding our breath... afraid to even breath. I can go through the day without being too upset, just keeping busy, so that I can't think about what all has happened. I sat at work last night, feeling sooo empty... kind of like a Christmas tree after Christmas feels after everything has been stripped off of it. I finally had a small taste of what is to hopefully come sometime in the near future. I just hope that we can hold on long enough for it to happen. Bellow is the only pic I took of the first test. I don't know if you can see it, but there really is 2 lines there.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Update of the week

So, you are probably wondering what has been going on lately? Well, I am sure of what lies ahead for us.. I just cannot say what it is... whether it is another round of shots and doctor visits, or pure baby bliss. I have a blog waiting to fill in the cracks, but I need to wait and see how this week shakes out first. I hate to keep anyone on a cliffhanger, but this week will be over soon enough... I promise! So, I will not be making any posts until Thursday or Friday. Wish us good luck! ;)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm going crazy just thinking about you baby

That is the soundtrack song of my life right now.. KC and JOJO's Crazy song, minus the break up. Just me going crazy.. The only part stuck in my head to this song is I'm going crazy crazy crazy, just a thinkin about you lately...

I have started to loose it this week. I was doing really good, not really worried about anything.. until now. I am just sick of being a zombie waiting to find out what the news is at this point. My dreams do not make ANY and I do mean ANY sense at all. They started last week with Michael Jackson trying to kill me, now, I couldn't even begin to tell you anything about what I had just dreamed! Does this get worse??? Stay tuned and we will find out! I sleep all day, but I do not really get "rested" because of the crazy dreams and the anxiety.

It seems like my days go as followed..
6:30am - go home from work
6:45am - feed Daisy and check mail
7am - however long I stay up... usually 10am surf the Internet, look at message boards, research everything I can on every symptom, etc., and watch shows on DVR recorded from prev. night, and Discovery Health Channel
10am or whatever time I stayed up till- go to bed, try to sleep.. wake up around 2-3pm and call Allen.. I usually call him every few hours to see how he is doing
2-3pm clean around the house, feed Missy and Toby, make lunch... wonder around the house anxious
6-7pm take shower,go back to bed, to try to get some quality sleep to no avail.
12am get up and get ready to get ready for work- reset alarm until it is 12:30am... then I get up get dressed and leave for work
1am - 630am work


This has been my schedule for the last few days.... I know I should do something to keep busy, but, I cannot mow the yard- huge de-stresser for me, I get bored doing anything else too...

I know sometime in the future I will look back on this and think whoa!! WHat the hell was going on in my head!?? Truth is I don't know right now! Hopefully the cloud will lift sometime soon.. or I might just be on it here in a week or so when we find out if we are preggers or not!

This is all probably just scrambled up, if you can follow this all, you are a whole lot better than I am right now!

Monday, August 24, 2009


Well, it seems like everyone is trying to help me not get my hopes up now.. I am okay! Just a bit emotional anymore. I just have a calm sense that this is going to work out somehow. I swear somedays, I "feel" like I'm pregnant... somedays, I think I am losing my mind, making up these "feelings" in my head, and making myself physically have them. Who knows? Right?

I rode with Allen this morning after I got off work to "help" him load pigs. I just stood by the gate on the outside and watched basically. He has gotten very protective of me. It's kind of cute really. If anyone knows me, it is very hard for me to let someone do anything for me. I just feel guilty and lazy. I can do it! Well.. I have backed off this.. I cannot think of just myself anymore, until we find out if we are expecting or not. Everything is still surreal.

On another note, I have been so dang gone hot! I run the air conditioners on full blast, I sweat like a pig when I sleep at night, and, I have the weirdest dreams!

I'm getting ready to lie down now for a nap.. I will get my sleep later on tonight when the sun goes down.. otherwise, I just cannot really REALLY sleep.

Well, baby M, or babies, I hope if you are in there, you are okay, and are growing and getting stronger everyday. Soon you will no longer be a secret... you will never know how much we love you!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

So, Do you FEEL Pregnant???

So, do you feel pregnant?? That has been the most popular thing I have been asked from this whole week. I don't know.. should I feel pregnant? I guess I do, but, I am still in denial of what we had done on Monday. It is still kind of surreal. When will I finally start saying.. I could be pregnant? I don't know exactly how soon to start feeling "pregnant". But, I have had false pregnancy feelings before, and I think that I am just not wanting to set myself up for a disappointment.

So, Tuesday, was the first day my boobs really REALLY started to balloon up and hurt. My lower stomach has hurt since Monday, but only really hurts now when I get to really moving around.. kind of crampy, but not like menstrual cramps, but kind of like a somewhat constant pain. Dizziness- I started feeling dizzy on Thursday, when I was out with Allen hauling pigs to Beardstown, and it just lasted a few minutes. On about Wednesday, I noticed that I can run the air conditioner in our bed room at full blast, and still be hot- raised body temp. I don't know if it is from me drinking more, but not excessively more, but I have to pee twice as much as normal- this could be due to my uterus swelling up. Last, I have small food cravings, this could be normal though.

So, lets count them up...
1. boobs swelled up and hurting -Allen loves this one
2.Crampy ache in lower back and lower abdomen
3. Dizziness
4. Higher body temperature
5. going to pee more
6. food cravings?
7. Nausea
8. Even though I did not list this, fatigue- I don't know if I really will notice this- I can always take a nap- it is my hobby.

My legs have been cramping up, even though I have been eating plenty of bananas,and taking my prenatals.. so I should be getting plenty of potassium.

The only symptoms missing are spotting, missed period, and a positive blood test.

I have a little bit to wait yet, a week from this coming Friday, is the day I am waiting for to take the test.. September 4th. Everyone has been getting soo excited and anxious, but me, I think. I know when it gets closer to test day, I will be a bit more excited, but, for now, I am just trying to relax and take everything in.

My in-laws are talking about being here for test day. I love them both, but I am really afraid of disappointing everyone, with a negative result. Then, who knows how I am going to react... I just would feel really guilty for anyone to make a special trip here, all the way from California, to see me a total wreck.. I am hoping that this does not happen, but, I would rather expect the worst, and hope for the best. It is strange though, I am not really worried, just kind of a sense of everything is going to be fine, and work out, is what I have really felt lately.

On a good note, I have been taking it really easy. I will not lift anything over 10lbs, Allen mowed the yard yesterday, and will be taking care of it until we find out if the IUI was successful. I am still taking my prenatals, and drinking plenty of grape juice, eating healthy, and not drinking anything with alcohol, or caffeine. I have also avoided anything with chemicals in it- strong cleaners, etc. Ohh, and I have been rubbing my tummy and relaxing as much as I can. So, I think that I have been doing everything possible to do everything right on promoting a healthy pregnancy, if I am pregnant right now.

It is funny, everyone who has been following us, is now not just wishing 1 baby on us, they are all wishing twins on us! Twins would be perfect!~ they all say.. done in one round.... But, I want to really be pregnant 2 times, not just one, so, if twins or how ever many do happen to be there, I guess our number of children we wanted to have orig. will possibly be going up. Who knows what the future holds? All I can do, is relax, and keep researching on the internet as much as I can stand.. researching is the first thing I do when I get home from work in the morning. Big Planner here!

Monday, August 17, 2009

THE Day!

Well, if you have been following all of this, you would know that today was THE day for our IUI (Intrauterine insemination). What is IUI you ask? IUI is a fertility treatment that uses a catheter to place a number of washed sperm directly into the uterus. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome)...I don't always ovulate, and Allen has a lower count, so without an IUI our chances of getting this done the "old fashioned way" are next to nothing.

So, Allen and I left the house at 6am this morning, after I hurried home from work early. We arrived at the doctor's office at 7:30am, and was first in line. The office opened up at 8am, and we signed in, along with the other nervous people - I think one other couple was doing a IVF cycle, because they had a cooler with them. Anyway, Allen had to go back first and do his thing. We both had to go back and sign the consent form for the IUI procedure, and Allen had to show ID- that way I couldn't just bring the neighbor, or delivery man in. Allen got a kick out of that- he said I could get him a UPS uniform, and he could be "the delivery man". Well, I went back to the waiting room, and let Allen be. When Allen came back out, he said he looked around the room they had him in, and there was a cabinet with a folder in it with old "fun bag" magazines, he said he just put it back and thought that was disgusting- didn't know what all was on those. lol.. anyway, he came back out to the waiting room, and we were free to go eat breakfast for 45 min., then we were to go back for my part.

We didn't even go eat anything, I guess we were just to nerved up about it to really eat anything, so we drove a big circle around Evansville, and just went back to the clinic. Well, Kara, the nurse practitioner I really liked, called us back and told us to look under the microscope. I was thinking something was really wrong or something.. why would we need to look at something? I looked and it was Allen's swimmers, just a sample of what she had prepared. I asked her if something was wrong, and she said no, just most people like to see them, to know how mobile and healthy they look. It was really neat to see, and know that they belonged to Allen. I know, gross, but it was pretty neat.

So, she instructed us to go into the room next to us. I had my instructions, and Allen just sat down, and observed. Kara come back in the room, and showed me the vial, containing Allen's swimmers. The whole procedure was a lot like a pap smear. The thing they use to do the procedure some what like the thing they use for a pap smear, but this one had a built in jack to open my cervix. Belive me, it was pretty uncomfortable. While this was all being done, Kara asked us if we did anything interesting over the weekend. I recapped the HCG trigger injection at Bush Stadium with my neighbor, Reagan, in the bathroom stall. Turns out that Kara is a really big Cardinals fan too, so that made me feel good, that this is really going to happen - how can it not without the stories we have now? Before she started, I asked what my follicles looked like, since the ultrasound bitch wouldn't tell us. Kara said that we had a couple really good ones.. NOT 5. That made us feel a whole lot better. Anyway, she then stuck the catheter up, felt like it was coming out my ear, but, I was okay. She injected the swimmers up, and then, took all of the equipment..aka jack thing, out, and lifted the table top up that turned into an elevated ramp thing for me to relax on for 20 min. She gave us the post IUI instructions... basically, I cannot do much of anything for a while. When the timmer went off, we were free to go.

20 min. came and went.. the whole time I laid there, I just kept thinking about how this did not really seem like we were really doing this.... we have been waiting for this day for a few years now, and it was finally being done! I kept thinking of our wedding day, how it was soo surreal, just like today. I was in disbelief that I had just went through all of this, and that from here on out, if everything works, we will be having a baby, or babies, next early summer! Of course, I am an emotional person, especially with all of my hormones being hopped up and bouncy - I thought I would cry or something through this whole appointment. .... Still waiting to cry.. It is just to surreal right now. I'll let you know when I finally do break down- it will probably be a week or so.

So, we left the clinic, and decided to get something to eat for lunch, but, this was 10:30, so not many places were open, so, we decided to eat at Long John Silvers at Mount Carmel, and take the senic route home. Funny, everything big we have done, Long John's has been the place we eat at.. maybe this is a good sign. We realized this after we left Long John's. I rode the whole way with the seat reclined all the way back... it hurt to laugh, or anything like that, and I had been making a few phone calls to let people know how it all went. My dear friend Mia, had me laughing about her trip to the pool with Holden... I had to make it a short conversation, it just hurt too bad to laugh.

Ater getting back to Olney, we had to go to the store to pick me up some fresh pineapple and grape juice, per advice from Jamie :)... We went home, and I hobbled the whole way into the house and down to the couch, where I remained until about an hour ago. I had to take Allen in to his truck, so he could leave out tonight, so he could pick up piggies tomorrow.

I am still crampy, my back hurts, and I move very slow... better to under do it, than to over do it. I'm not complaining, I am enjoying being sore for the first time, and I am refusing tylenol.. it is the only thing I can take. I want to remember all of this, no pain, no gain - right?

I'll have some pics and recap up tomorrow about the Cardinals game from Saturday. In the mean time, keep us in your prayers! It is all in God's hands now!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

It's MY Life!

Well, Saturday was an interesting day... It was my most emmotional day so far that is. Allen and I got up and left the house at 6am on Saturday morning, Allen stopped and picked me up some breakfast on the way to Evansville, to help settle my nerves. We arrived a half hour early, so we had time to sit and read, while we waited for the staff to arrive at the clinic. We went ahead on in, and signed in when they opened the doors.. This was Allen's first visit with me to this clinic. I got right in for my blood work. My blood pressure was soo low, it took over 3 min. from the time I was stuck, to get a vial of blood. They were going to check my estroegen levels to gauge how many follicles would develop into mature eggs.

So, I then went back with Allen for my ultrasound, to check the number of follicles I had maturing. The lady giving the ultrasound, was not very nice at all. She acted like I was taking her Saturday away from her. I doubt if she has ever went through any of this treatment personally...prob. a fertile myrtle! ugghhh! Anyway, the last lady I had perform the last ultrasound I had done, was really nice. Of course, she was helping fill in from Indy- just my luck not to get her again! The lady started the ultrasound, I asked her how many follicles was too many to have. She bluntly stated "We will discuss this after the ultrasound." She then turned the monitor away from me, and then went on to say that I had 2 follicles on my right side- she was on my left... so now you know how much faith I have in this lady. She also said that I had 2, or 3 on my left,(really my right). She thought there was a 3rd behind the second one on my (right). Anyway, she printed off the pictures of the ultrasound, not even showing them to me. Hormones are about to rip her head off right now, because I am feeling soo pushed off right now.

I got dressed, and then just walked out into the hallway, she never said where she would meet me. She then said that we should probably wait a cycle since I am sooo young and responded soo well to follistim injections, and they would lower my dose the next cycle, even though she knows that this is all expensive, and didn't want to bankrupt us with babies. UHHHHH!!!! What does she know about our finances????? I wanted to say, it is okay for you to just waste our money praticing then, since you knew I have PCOS, and with PCOS, I would respond better than others, why did you start me on a higher dose? - don't worry, I'm okay now- Anyway, she said with my age, this would be the RESPONSIBLE thing to do. I then told her we had been trying for over 5 years now- she then says, "ohhh, well that's going to help." She then asked what Allen's count was, I told her that the doctor in Effingham, told us that it was around half. This whole time- she is making the diagnosis- not the DOCTOR! Anyway, she says it is on the chart for 35 million- which was from 2 years ago. She then gets us out of the office, by me writing out the check for $494.00, and says she would call us in a few hours with my estrogen levels, to know how many follicles are likely to mature.

Needless to say, I left there a mess! One would think she would have the decancy to be nice, or, to just let my doctor talk to me. So, we rode home the whole way from Evansville with me sick, and upset. I just kept calling her a bitch the whole way home. We got to mom's to get the smaller needle for the HCG injection- for IF we got to do it. I gave her the recap, she was mad- she said she is not the doctor, and has no right to offer a diagnosis, and she shouldn't have said anything. So, after mom made me feel better, we ran home. I saw that the clinic had called just right before we got home, so I listened to the message. I was sooo upset, she told me that the level was too high, and the chance that all 5 would fertilize and mature would be 10%. I then called her back, acted like I had not heard the message, she then recaped what she had said on the message. I then asked her what the chances of multiples were right now... she could not give me a number, would not give me the estrogen level, or tell me the size of the follicles. I asked if it was my call to go ahead with the iui, we fully understood from the beginning what we were facing for risks of multiples, and were okay with it. She then changed her tune,and told me that fetal reduction could be a possibility. I told her we understood, and would deal with it IF we had to deal with it. I know that if it is a thing that has to be done, it has to be done. She then gave me the instructions on when to take my HCG trigger injection- which would have to be done at 8pm that night- while we were at the Cardinal's game in St. Louis. We were then all set for Monday morning. Whew! I know that is a lot to take in, but that was my start of Saturday!

I then, after I was okay again, called my mom, and told her we were on, and called Allen's dad, and his wife and gave them the recap. They are all soo excited. Ohh, Allen just had to tell his grandma and grandpa what was going on- (they only "like" me because Allen and I are married.) Of course, his grandpa says this is something we should "think about". PLEASE!!!!!! DO YOU THINK WE HAVE NOT THOUGHT ABOUT ANY OF THIS? HONESTLY!!!!!! sorry hormones coming out....

Long story short, we went to St. Louis with our neighbors, had a great time. Reagan gave me the shot in the bathroom at Bush Stadium at 8pm... Cardinals won! Life is Good! Let's just hope that everything else goes this good! I'll get on here later and recap the trip to St. Louis with some pics, since it is too long to keep rambling on about right now.

So, everyone hope for the best! We could be parents to be after tomorrow!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Butterflies- Make way for baby!

Well, today is the last day of my follistim injections. Yay! I don't know if my stomach has been getting more tender, or what the deal is, but, yesterday's injection hurt a little more than it usually does.

We had a long day yesterday. I rode with Allen to haul pigs to the processing plant, Smithfield, which is up around Galesburg,IL. Of course, I only took a two hour nap, so by the time we got home, which was around 8:30 last night, I was exhausted. Our neighbor stopped us at the door, and we went over to their house to visit. Yesterday was his birthday, and we are going to a Cardinals game on Saturday afternoon, to celebrate. So needless to say, by the time we got back to the house, it was 9:30.. I still had to take my follistim injection for the day. So, while Allen was taking his shower, I went upstairs to get ready for bed, take my prenatals, and my injection. By the time I went to take my injection, Allen had snuck up the stairs and watched me give myself the injection. When I was finishing, I looked up across the bar, and there Allen was smiling at me, and telling me he was proud of me. I guess I never noticed him sneaking up and standing right there, because I was focusing soo much on giving myself the injection on a spot that I had not stuck yet. It is funny, I have found that I have less sensitivity on my left side of my stomach.. I thought this was a little weird. Anyway, I am heading to bed, and Allen decides he wants something to snack on first,(he is off for the weekend and Monday). He fixes chicken noodle soup, and then he decides to let me go to bed while he eats downstairs. I through a small fit.. partially from being soo tired, and knowing I would have to get back up, and go to work at 12:30.
I got home from work this morning and just laid in bed all day- until about 2pm.. I was wipped out!

So, now after recapping all of this, we are contemplating what we want to get for supper- we are both starving of course! We are thinking Joes Pizza- a local pizza place by the high school we graduated from. Supreme pizza loaded down with everything except hot peppers, bosco sticks.. YUM YUM!!

It is kind of bittersweet, today being my last injection day. Everything has moved so fast, and we are already almost there! I am hoping that this will be the only injections I have to take, so I am looking at this like the close of a chapter... keep your fingers crossed! Tomorrow we go to Evansville for an ultrasound, and blood work. They will be checking my folicles and my LH hormone levels. I will then be instructed on when to take my trigger injection, and then we are off to St. Louis! I am already getting tired just thinking of how much running we will be doing tomorrow!

It is exciting to know that in just a few weeks we will know if this was all successful, and we will be parents! I am sure that this will be the longest two weeks of my life up until now!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Infertility is a pain in the butt- literally!

Well, today is day #4 on my follistim injections. Yes, I have finally gotten used to them. Today was the first day that it actually hurt. I don't know if it is that I have been bloating or that I just ate fresh peaches heated up with ice cream on top that made me stuffed, or what it was, but, today's shot actually hurt somewhat.

I have finally also started to notice some side effects of the drugs... I have a small breakout on my face, and I am a little sore in the lower abdomen. I know it is not from the injection sites, because it is on lower, and more in line with my ovaries. The other side effect has literally kicked me in the butt, or feels like it at least. Joint pain- in my hips and butt today! It feels like I have done squatt thrusts all day, in all reality, I have laid around the house all day, so I know that it is not the result of working too hard. At least I have not gotten any of the other side effects - unusual vaginal bleeding, fever, mood swings...etc... YET anyway.

I have two more follistim injections- Thursday and Friday. Then, Saturday morning, we go back for an ultrasound to check my follicles, and blood test, to check my LH levels, so the nurse can instruct us on when to administer the HCG trigger injection. Let's just hope that I am not an over achiever on this whole deal, and my follicles are over stimulated- if that were to be the case, we would not go through with the IUI procedure on Monday morning.

I know the chances are not high that this will be successful the first try, but everything feels right, as of right now. I have made myself not think of the "what ifs" with this weekend approaching. I need to be in the best state of mind for this to be a success. At least we have our age, and the known reason of infertility on our side. For us, it is just I don't ovulate all of the time, and have PCOS. Allen, on the other hand, as far as we know- from the last semen analysis, just has a lower count. When his analysis was done two years ago, the doctors at Effingham said that everything looked good- just he had a lower count- about half of what a "normal" fertile myrtle has. If that is the case, then our odds are pretty good. I just keep trying to visualize the whole process as a success. Mind over body - right? So, the best thing I can do, that I have control over, is keeping myself stable and content. I have been on the wonderful internet for the last month.. where would we have been 10 years ago without all of the sites and chat rooms on here? The success stories from the chat rooms on success on the first IUI attempt, have been getting my hopes up. It has to happen to someone, right? Might as well be me! We've paid our dues- 5 years trying... so we should be in the front of the line- according to me, and Lauren, my MIL, of course!

Well, I will report back tommorrow on what new and interesting finds I have. Allen should be getting in for a long weekend tommorrow evening. It will be nice to have him here to cuddle with at least. So, now I'm off to my favorite hobby for the time being... sleeping! Got to get up for work at 1am, so good night all!

I Would Die for That

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


It is funny how I hear about all of these women experiencing hormonal changes while they are taking infertility drugs, and how horrible it makes them feel. I haven't been in this good of a groove or mood for a really long time! I am currently on my last day of femara, and on day #3 of my follistim injections. It kind of makes me worry that I am not responding to these drugs, just like I had not responded to the mulitple doses of clomid I had taken over 2 years ago. On the other hand, maybe with me just being excited that something is actually going to be done has been making me excited and feel soo great too? I do not know, and it's not that I don't care, but I am really enjoying feeling like this! It is just like a calm has come over me and I just know everything is going to be just fine. I also have not let myself really worry about anything or stress about stuff just for the time being... until we get to take a home pregnancy test.

Yesterday was hopefully one of the last times I will be mowing our yard this year. Poor Allen will be in charge of mowing from this next week on, until we find out if the iui was successful or not. I love mowing our yard, as everyone knows, but I could sacrifice mowing for half a season if we even had the slightest chance of getting pregnant.

Ohh I have way too much time here to think of every little thing!

I took my second follistim injection last night. It wasn't as bad as the first one, but still the whole part of getting the needle stuck in my stomach part is hard. I had to keep telling myself, this will not hurt, over and over while I was sticking the needle into my skin. I know I don't even feel it, but the thought is still stuck into my mind that it will hurt.

Other, than the mowing, and the injection, the only other eventful thing that happened yesterday was I got stung by a wasp for the first time in probably 5 years. I did not even provoke that stupid thing- I walked across the porch, and it attacked, me... So, I went into the garage and got the wasp spray out and procceded to spray that mean ass and then I stomped a mud hole in his butt.

Lets just hope that these good mood vibes hang around for good!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Follistim Injection Day #1

Well, today has finally come... my first injection of follistim. I was very nervous about this whole deal. We decided that it would be best to record this monumental occasion on our camera, so I could remember and hopefully reaccount this all to our children someday. Let me just say that sticking the needle into my stomach was the worst part- the actual sticking part. Once I got it in, it did not hurt at all, going in, injecting the follistim, or taking it out. Tommorrow should be better- I know it doesn't hurt. There is just something about sticking yourself in your stomach that makes your inside say this is not normal.. I am going to stab myself. I am really starting to get tired out. I am on day #3 of my femara, and it has a long list of side effects... among them is tiredness, headaches, etc.. Anyway, the video of today's injection is at the bottom.. I hope all enjoy me whinning until I figure out that it doesn't really hurt!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Simple Saturday

Well, today is day two on my Femara... I start my follistim injections tommorrow. Yay! I am still really nervous about doing that. I feel like a complete retard- I went to take my first dose of Femara last night, and actually- luckily read the bottle first, and noticed I am to take 2 pills per day- not just 1 like what I was on clomid. I know, I know- I just have been soo nerved up that I never looked at the dose to take. I just knew I was supposed to take a pill every day. Well, I am still on schedule, I took both pills last night, so I have not messed anything up yet- keep your fingers crossed!

Allen and I went to Evansville today. We had to run a few errands and I decided that I would show him where we would be going next Saturday- that way if I am really grouchy and tired, he would know where to go without having me yell directions at him. I was really proud of myself today! I have been really mellow- I hope that these drugs have this effect on me! I did not stress at all, and I even drove half of the day too! Big step for me! We were even up and out of the house this morning by 6am! I am not at all a morning person either! It felt sooo good not to be bothered by little things, and I just really enjoyed our time together, and the beautiful day- even though it was 93 out today!

It has been very surreal what all is going on right now.. kind of like time is just paused for us to enjoy before the excitement begins. I really hope that I am not building myself up just for another let down. I know I said I was mellow today, but I did belt out some songs on the drive to Evansville- I am such a baby I swear! I had played some gushy songs- they made me cry, and laugh at the same time.. everything like that gets me going. I am just a really sensitive person on the inside... I don't know where I get that from in my family. Neither of my parents, or grandparents are like this... it is nice though- everyone knows how I really feel about everything one way or another.

Ohh well, feeling kind of tired now- it is a possible side effect of femara... it has just been a really long day today- I really hope I feel like this tommorrow too!

Friday, August 7, 2009

How we got here

Today is the start of my infertility drug treatment. This morning I received the package containing the drugs that will hopefully aide in creating the family that Allen and I have been waiting for, for some time now.

How did we get here?

Well, after Allen and I were married, we both knew that we wanted to start a family fairly soon.. we both wanted to have our family started before we turned 30. So, within a year of being married, we decided that I would go off the pill. What started as an exciting adventure, soon turned into a long journey with lots of speed bumps and road blocks. I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) last month, after finally seeing a fertility specialist, instead of my gynecologist who minored in infertility. PCOS is something that I will have to live with my whole life, it has no cure, and will have an affect over other parts of my life- not just fertility. 1 in 10 women have PCOS.

This whole experience has been frustrating for not just me, but, our family too. We have been lead on by a gynecologist that did not want to do anything but prescribe me clomid, which come to find out, I did not respond to. He offered procedures, but did not want to bill any of my insurance - for which my insurance covered. We parted ways a little over a year and a half ago with that doctor, and decided to take a break from this whole mess.

Then something special happened... Allen's dad reconnected with us, after years of road blocks. I finally got to meet my father in law for the first time, and completely feel in love with both his dad, and stepmom. With their visit, we grew closer, and the subject of grandchildren was brought up. After talking over all of complications of starting a family, I kind of got bitten with the baby bug once again.

Allen and I talked about trying for a family once again, and decided to try a different doctor. This time, I wanted better results, so I asked one of my friends, who is a phlebotomist at St. Mary's hospital, who she would recomend as a great fertility specialist. She quickly gave me the name of my new fertility doctor, Dr. William Gentry. She had high reviews for him, which in turn, gave me hope. Shortly after talking it over with Allen, I made the first appointment.

A little over a month ago, I started the process of trying to get pregnant all over again. I arranged for my best friend Mia, to go with me this time for support and company for the drive. I was amazed at how fast this new doctor worked, and at how nice his staff all was. I had a good feeling.... After that first appointment, I went back for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to be done the next day! A HSG is an x-ray of your fallopian tubes, uterus, and pelvis. The test will show if your fallopian tubes are open, damaged, or blocked and provide evidence of any structural problems inside your uterus (e.g. scarring, fibroids, polyps). I went to get the HSG certain that my fallopian tubes were blocked, or something was very seriously wrong.... Mia ended up being right once again. She went along with me again to get the HSG done, and was there waiting, when I came out into the waiting room beaming- everything checked out just fine! I started getting excited then, waiting for the doctors instructions on what we would be doing next.

I then got the phone call to which leads me to today. Dr. Gentry had scheduled me for an (IUI) intrauterine insemination procedure to be done, along with some testing prior to the procedure to be done. They quoted me the prices that my insurance would not cover, and ended up being half the price of the OB that I had seen previously. They told me to call back on day 1 of my cycle, and we would go from there. Day 1 finally came, I called Dr. Gentry, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound, to check my ovaries for cysts and to then prescribe my medications. My ultrasound checked out just fine, no cysts, so I was then prescribed Femera, Follistim injections, and a HCG trigger injection. I will be taking the femera, since it was found from my past experience with the last OB that I did not respond to the clomid he had prescribed.

Today, is the first day I am to start taking my meds.. femera being the first one, every day, followed by the follistim injections starting Sunday, every day for 6 days. I am then scheduled for lab work, and another ultrasound on next Saturday, the 15th, to make sure my follicles in my ovaries are not over stimulated. If my follicles are over stimulated, the IUI will not be performed, and we will have to wait a month to start the process all over again. If the doctors were to go ahead with the IUI if my follicles were over stimulated, I could end up like Jon and Kate plus Eight and be at risk for expecting a large number of muliples. If everything checks out ok next Saturday, then I will be instructed when to take my HCG trigger injection, and then return back on Monday, the 17th for the IUI to be performed. Two weeks later, I will be able to take a home pregnancy test. Even though this has been a lot of work, and hours of researching has been done via the internet- thank God we have the technology today- every minute is worth it if we get pregnant.

So, this all brings me to today... my prescriptions are all in hand today, and I will start preparing and hoping for the week to come! I know the medicine will make me an emotional basket case, and I will be in pain, but, if it all works out, and I can show my kids this someday and be happy we did it all. From now on out, I plan on keeping a day by day log of what or how I feel, along with pictures of our progress. Hopefully at the end of this yellow brick road, we will have reached our "Emerald City"... Parenthood!
My schedule for this month- when to take what drug, and appointment dates

If ANYONE is interested in seeing the same fertility specialist as I have, the weblink is below~