tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42624496228914904452024-03-12T17:28:24.811-05:00Following The Yellow Brick Road To Parenthood Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.comBlogger350125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-63463376860252747822015-09-18T18:54:00.000-05:002015-09-18T19:42:14.038-05:00EnoughI know...MIA, I know. There has been lots of changes in the past 4 months. Eva can roll over, we moved into a new house, I'm expecting again- yes you just read that right, Allen survived another layoff, and Hayleigh has started Kindergarten. Whew!!! That's a lot of changes. <br />
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One of the other changes I've been pretty quiet about and have had lots of time to think over it is a change in our family. I don't know if anyone else out there has ever had to disown part of their family, or their extended family, but that is something new we finally had to do in our household. I think when enough is enough, and you've had all you can take, it just naturally happens. <br />
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About once a month I get notified about more mud slinging. It's funny how some people can act like they care so much on social media, but behind closed doors, it's a completely different story. If you know me, and know me well, I'm very protective of our family, and everything in our little circle. If you had someone attacking your family, how would you handle it? It would probably depend on what was happening, and what all was involved right? For the past few months, I've been accused of being a spiteful, hateful, mean mother/wife that wants nothing more than to make others miserable. I've had so many mean and hateful things said about me from people who act like they know me, but are just mere acquaintances. <br />
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This all stems from a misuse of social media by a relative. I have one and only one rule for this person. ABSOLUTELY NO Sharing of my personal pictures of the kids on social media for this person. What does this person do every 3 months? Goes on a sharing spree because she wants pictures to appear on her personal profile page, not understanding that those pictures do not stay put there and will move. We would have a talk about not sharing, because this person would play dumb and act like they had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, and swear they would not do it again.... 3 months later, shared pictures..... <br />
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The problem I had with this is not that the pictures are on social media. This person friends everyone and their dog- people she doesn't even know. She really reminds me of the essurance commercial with the old lady taping pictures on her living room wall and going on about how easy it is, and not having a clue that's not how things work- you've probably seen it. If not, get on youtube and check it out. Anyway, a couple of years ago a person approached this relative in the hospital and went on and on about my kids. The relative had absolutely no idea who the person was, and how they could see the pictures... come to find out that person had been friended and was seeing pictures that had been shared, thus the sharing restriction was put into place. This whole forgetting and playing dumb has been going on for the last few years. The comments that would be put with the pictures had absolutely nothing to do with the pictures- full of weather reports, time, temps, trips to Walmart, etc... you get the idea. <br />
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This past May, the 3 month cycle came to an end and pictures were on a sharing spree yet again. So, instead of fighting this anymore, I decided to just block the relative, and act like my account was closed- end of the problem... or so I thought. WELL another relative decided to jump in and make it all her number one business as well. This person called me nasty names on social media, cussed me, and then proceeded to call my house, my cell, and my husbands cell like a crazed stalker. I went ahead and blocked that person as well- there is no point in arguing with a person who is so narrow minded they are unwilling to negotiate, and try to come to a solution to a problem, instead attacks and blaming and cussing. <br />
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We were going to give it all a few weeks to blow over and go from there. That was put on a halt when this person that went crazy made a post on social media that she had done the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her whole entire life and block her son on social media. How can blocking your son on social media be the hardest thing you've ever done???!!!! If you've been following, yes this person that had been attacking our family was indeed my mother in law. sigh... If you're lucky you are gifted with a great mother in law who keeps her nose out of your marriage, doesn't make snide remarks about you or mean jokes about you, she is supportive, and wants what makes her son happy. Not mine. She's hated me from day #1 along with the other person who was restricted from sharing- her adoptive mother, and also my estranged sil. They've tried to get my husband to leave me when we were dating, after my husband proposed, they all made snide remarks and tried to talk us out or rather him out of getting married to me. As you can imagine this has not been an easy deal- loving someone so great, and their family over stepping their bounds. There is a time to cut the cord, and as read during our wedding, the two shall leave their mother and father and become one. I think they both seriously were asleep for that part. <br />
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To go back and see where this is all going and to see why the decision we have made was made, I'll give as short of a briefing as I can. For the past 15 years and into our marriage there has been fights, bullying, snide remarks about our fertility, parenting, and everything that should not be said has been said to us. We've turned the other cheek and went on- for the entire time with no apologies made. <br />
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We wanted our kids so badly and struggled and waited so long for them. For some reason they fail to see this. My husband's half sister is included in all of this ( the estranged sil). So for the past 12-13 years some of these family members have endured physical and emotional abuse, and one has initiated it to her daughter that just happens to be the same age as Hayleigh. That is sick to me. Every time concern was given from us about both, it got swept under a rug like it was nothing to worry about. Apparently being beaten and abused is not as important as staying with your mother just because that person birthed you. Beating and cussing a 4 month old baby was apparently acceptable- I look at Eva that will be 5 months old this weekend and it makes me shudder and cry to think of calling her an fing *B and spanking her repeatedly. The abuse has went on and on with that child to the point to hand prints were completely left on her poor legs.<br />
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The other family member has been emotionally abused in front of me, and I've heard countless stories about it all the night her husband was arrested for physically assaulting his sister the night Reid was born. This person has a rap sheet of assault and anger issues stemming back to when he shot his own son while missing his ex wife- went to prison over that one. The person who is married to the abusing guy still is and will not leave him probably because of the "church" they are involved with- trying to fix the issues themselves when none are trained licensed professionals. We do not care for him- he gives a bad vibe and with his given record, we really do not want him anywhere around our family. <br />
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The child abuser has also neglected her daughter- smoking in a car with her, doesn't give her proper fitting clean clothes, bathes, and a steady home, hopping from couch to couch, letting anyone watch her child while she strips at a local strip club that is shady. There was a recent report that the little girl had head lice for over 2 whole weeks before it was taken serious enough to take care of it.<br />
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With just that stuff alone, we just cannot allow that around our family, especially our kids who we love and protect. I do not understand how a mother that has gone through cycles of abuse her whole adult life from bad relationships would want her kids and grand kids to be involved in another abusive bad relationship. It is her choice to stay- we've tried to help her out of the relationship, but she will not leave. What is just as sickening is her own daughter abusing her daughter. Not surprising from being brought up in a home with abusive relationships I guess. <br />
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Anyway, with all of the bullying on social media, posts being made about them being victims and how I am keeping the kids away from them unfairly, we just cannot allow it anymore. These people whine how they miss the kids sooo much, and would do anything for them, but have they once tried calling, or even sending mail or reaching out and trying to make nice to see them? NOPE. Instead, they have been attacking me for the most part on posts with all of their friends and their extended and adopted families jumping in like a pack of dogs smearing me and my husband. Do any of them even know us personally, or even know everything that has been going on? NO. But all are so quick to jump on the band wagon calling me a crazy stupid *B, and going on about my poor husband and the kids, and how my husband needs to grow balls and stand up to me when he made his own decision for himself.<br />
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Would ANYONE in their right mind let people who are bullying, name calling, slandering, and living abusive lives around their family? I can answer that one... a big F* NO! I do not care who you are, but when you start attacking me or my husband or kids, you will NOT be included on anything in our lives. Is that bat shit crazy, or is that just called being a protective parent/wife/husband???? The thing that drives me the most bananas is the restricted social media person trying to guilt my husband into giving in... she's dying, or she just cannot live without seeing the kids, or you should call your mom because she still cares for you..... Yeah, she cares enough about you to attack your wife and you on social media. She cares so much for you that she gave you away when you was only 3 weeks old. SMH... it's all a big mess and this restricted person is chanting in on these bullying posts cheering her on, sharing pictures with her, and going on about prayers being answered. Where I'm from that's called being a two faced joker with a shit stirring stick. <br />
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I am at my whit's end with it all right now. We have enough going on with the economy trying to stay alive up here and my husband still have a job, this pregnancy, Hayleigh's school, and we are still not done unpacking into our new house. Last thing I want to do is have my husband who is worried enough about everything else to have this stupid crap to worry about- the restricted person does a good enough job at messaging and calling him while he's a work enough.<br />
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All we want is to be left alone and just everyone move on. BUT... that cannot happen when they keep posting rants on social media attacking me/us going on they would tell us these things to our face, but they won't even attempt anything off of making a pity me post for attention. Bottom line is if you want to be a grandparent or aunt, act like one. Have respect for your son's marriage and for his family. Don't say hateful things, and most of all, do not attack them on social media. How hard is that??? <br />
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So if you're wondering why I haven't updated the pictures on my blog, or what has been going on, there you go.... wading through shit and trying to get shit done...Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-78893501130562245342015-06-24T23:38:00.003-05:002015-06-24T23:38:59.863-05:00FIrst O-town visit with the trioYes, I am very aware I am WAAAAAAYYYYY behind on my updating. My pregnancy flew by entirely way too fast, and I know a lot of catch up posts are in order so I can have Eva's birth story on here as well.<br />
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We are currently nearing the end of our visit here in O-town right now. I find myself missing home more and more each day, and trying to squeeze my time in with people I have wanted to see in person in what seems like forever into a few days and hours. sigh... it is what it is, and Friday is looking like I'm going to need an energy drink. <br />
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Something high on my list besides a few people I'm wanting to see is spending one on one time with Hayleigh and Reid. Those two haven't had me to themselves since I cannot tell you when. I'm planning on taking Reid to see Jurassic World on Friday night, and getting pedicures with Hayleigh as well. <br />
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Reid has been testing and testing me lately here- everything is different here, and he is trying to get as far as he can here. <br />
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The humidity here sucks. Just down right is awful- something I definitely do not miss one bit. I feel like such an outsider in some places. Some people we've lost our click with, others it is still going strong. Makes me sad, but it is part of life. I just know I don't fit in here anymore. I thought I really didn't fit in Williston, but after just a few days here, it was blatenly clear that we, or I do fit in back home more so than I do here. Funny isn't it? Out of all the places I miss right now, that would be Colorado, even though Williston has really become our home. I miss our friends we left behind there because our likelihood of traveling back there much is slim, even though I would love to just go back there. Basically I miss our family and friends here in O-town, but not the area, and I miss both the area and our friends back in Colorado. Williston I just miss our routine and it's home now. <br />
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Allen and I 've been talking about where to settle down. To buy a house, or not to. I think we've settled on not to buy in Williston for now- scares the crap out of us if it goes bust there, or everything moves- then we are stuck. We are wanting to check out Cody, WY though, but in all reality, our home will be where Allen's work is for the next 5-10 years. I know we went 9 years apart, and only 8 months together, but I really don't think we could go back to being apart again. If we had to - then yes, but want to, NOPE. <br />
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Back to our visit... it's been a pretty interesting visit to say the least. Some things have surprised me, some things never change, I've been emotional over other things, and finally ready to say goodbye to others. People we once clicked with, but don't now, I'm ready to let go of and just say goodbye for now, and others it absolutely amazes me how we are still able to still get each other even though we are miles away. Seeing our families getting older really saddens me in ways. Everything around here seems to stay the same except people are growing older. My grandparents I always have pictured in my head are growing a lot older. It is a real possibility every time we see them and say goodbye, it could very well be the last. My grandpa has really gotten forgetful - part of getting old. I told Allen after our visit that I didn't want to get old. <br />
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We did get Reid and Eva baptized during Saturday night's mass. It was very emotional walking up that same aisle I did growing up- I was the first girl server in that church and served for quite a few years there, my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary there, I was baptized there, had my first communion & confirmation there, I've been in weddings and attended funerals there. Hayleigh was baptized there, and I prayed countless times for our family that seemed like it would never start there. That is home for me. With each step we took up that aisle, my eyes were tearing up carrying Eva, walking along with Allen and our kids. The pitcher used to baptize the kids had once belonged to Grandma Weidner.. it felt like everything was just meant to be. Reid was not too sure of everything, and I was proud of him and proud of his Godparents we picked for him. We feel truly blessed to have them in our family for not just Hayleigh, but also with Reid. If I ever had any couple to look up to for inspiration on how to raise a family, it would be them. <br />
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While I am eager to get back home, I am not eager for time to keep running by so stinking fast. We get back, I have to start potty training Reid, and get ready for Hayleigh to start Kindergarten. I am not at all thrilled about either of those things, along with Hayleigh turning 5 years old next Tuesday morning. I just wish everything would slow down and be easier on me. I swear the older we get, the harder everything gets. I've quit thinking in 10 years I'll have this all figured out, we will have things done we want to get done, everything will roll out easy... in 10 years, Hayleigh will be getting her driving permit, and I'll be 42... I think I'm finally smart enough to realize now that nothing will get easier, and I'll probably still be having a midlife crisis then. Turning 35 seems like it will be hard, but I know 40 is coming and it will be harder to swallow. So, I'll just sit here trying to keep taking everything in, and enjoy it all while I can. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-40904206744550402722015-01-31T18:01:00.001-06:002015-01-31T18:01:48.346-06:00What keeps me up at night before Benadryl kicks in. With the added popping out of my bump lately, there have been other things popping up that worry me. Some I have no control over and I know I cannot do anything but ride them out but others I know I can do something about them and they leave me searching for the best choice.<br />
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#1 and foremost. OIL or rather the price per barrel. I know we are fine now but I worry about it going down- way down. Right now we are okay until April- conveniently the month I'm expecting Eva and the busy month above all. I just hope and pray everything gets steady and calm.<br />
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#2 our kids. They have been doing soo good. I haven't spent hardly any time away from them. We've been talking about getting a sitter BUT I'm picky and that's quite alright to be picky about who watches them. Some people I just sit and worry or cringe thinking about what they would do with our babies. I know non parents wouldn't understand this as much or as fully but those kids are my life or rather our life. I miss our Kim sooooooo much it isn't funny. She actually played with them, the time she spent was focused on them not on the bare minimum she had to do with them. She cared is the biggest thing and that is very hard to find- someone who actually cares and enjoys spending time with your kids. I worry about people not caring while I'm out trying to enjoy myself for a few hours. I feel guilty without them with us wondering how awful of a time they are having or how poorly they are taken care of while we pay for it. I'm worrying about going to the hospital and I'm half tempted to just take them with me. I know it's not ideal but it is what it is.<br />
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#3. Birth photos. I obviously cannot have the baby and take the pictures at the same time. Right now a clone would be the perfect answer to the child are and photography honestly. I'm looking at hiring out just the birth only. I'll get the recovery on after. I don't want Allen to have to take them and I think my mom will have to be doing the child care. She's not great at taking pics anyway so I do to want to make her nervous operating my camera. The biggest problem is I just cannot hand my camera to someone and expect the same as what I can do. It's not a point and shoot for one, and two taking pictures is not just something you just do. Your creativeness shines through on this. There is a big difference in positioning yourself right and settings you adjust. So I'm hoping to be able to hire someone that isn't an arm and a leg to help me out on this.<br />
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#4 keeping up around the house with meals, cleaning, and just taking care of everyone and thing. I've started not being fully capable of carrying baskets of clothes up or down our long flight of stairs. I'm nervous about falling since I can't hold the basket like I usually do. So I have to rely on Allen to help me with this now. The dogs have been driving me crazy-especially Ellie.<br />
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#5 I worry about Eva. All I want in the end is everyone to be happy and healthy. Reid was born into a scare - he wasn't breathing. The hospital staff did a great job of keeping calm and both Allen and I didn't fully realize what was happening until he was in the clear. I just sang a smooth non complicated labor and delivery. All of us happy healthy and go home just fine.<br />
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#6 I lastly worry about not only Allen's stress from his job but me bring able to handle everything on my end myself. It's a lot what I will be taking on, ANC I can't add a lot of it onto Allen's plate. I had a good cry to him last night about this. Ellis has been difficult on the potty in her crate and just chewing in general. Some days I really hate her. Yesterday was one of those days. I don't want to bed the mom that yells all the time about everything. So the shock collar will be coming out on Monday for Ellie.<br />
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Anyway, I'm trying to prepare and adjust the best I can for things to come and things already happening now.<br />
I still feel like I've failed pretty much most days with what all I wanted to do or get done - mainly with the kids. But I know I'm doing the best I can and that's what matters most.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-70666197997830846602015-01-28T21:52:00.000-06:002015-01-28T21:52:04.735-06:0026 weeks - Cue Body Pillow So we've been trucking right along with this pregnancy. I'm already 26 weeks!! As about like click work I've started to get uncomfortable sleeping. I have more round ligament pain and someone's been having a tumbling session. The past 2 nights I've had to have my pillow and Benadryl to fight insomnia. My back hurts of course and its a 3 step operation turning in bed not even counting arranging pillow and blankets. Last night I had a heck of a time with my boppy pillow, trying to get it just right, then the sheet and duvet wouldn't cooperate and go over the top. I was panting and huffing catching my breath while Allen snored away. I ended up elbowing him to help me. He laughs and says you wanted this. I replied with no I wanted a baby, not to be uncomfortable. Funny how you forget how that part is when baby fever hits.<br />
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I've begun the kick count or rather kick watch to make sure Eva's moving like she should be. My belly looks kind of like a waterbed now. Ones our with a butt sliding across with a lump moving around then a shake from what ever she does in there. The kids are fascinated with it of course.<br />
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We go in a week from Friday for glucose test and ultrasound then we are set to go every 2 weeks for the next 2 months then a week by week basis unless anything changes.<br />
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I've started slowing down once again this week. I'm now getting worried about keeping up with everything- meals in particular since I just had about aonth span of having energy once again.<br />
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I know we will manage. I just hope that the oil settles down and goes back to normal. I really don't want to be moving anywhere especially right before Eva's born.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-49631268030369399222015-01-28T18:22:00.000-06:002015-01-28T18:22:18.708-06:00Remembering the Storm to Appreciate the Rainbow So I've been getting pictures and everything rounded up to start working on Ms Eva's birth announcement video. I've been thinking about how I'm going to present this one, what things need to be in it, and I can't help but think of Charlie.<br />
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For those who just started following along last April, we found out we were expecting baby #3. Everything was going smoothly- I even managed to keep the secret from Allen that I had found out we were pregnant for 4 whole days. The kids and I arranged to pick him up at the airport and give him the big news all on video. Reids pregnancy announcement to him was over the phone and Hayleigjs was at 1:26am, so I wanted this last time to be special. I got an appointment made for 10-1/2 weeks for when he would be home again, so he could go to the first appointment for this baby since he missed both Hayleigh and Reids. As you can figure out right about now, that appointment was the closest to hell on earth I've ever experienced. It went south really fast. No heart beat could be seen. After many blood tests and just trying to get out of there, followed by more blood test, being blown off by my fill in OB, switching OBs and finally getting a D&C done, I found peace. As you've noticed, Ms Eva was called Georgie from day #1. With that pregnancy it was Charlie. We were planning on calling the baby Charlie if boy, Charlotte if a girl. Same with Georgie, but Allen wouldn't jump on the Georgina band wagon, so we agreed on Eva- I'm still trying to sneak Georgina in for the middle name with no success so far. Anyway for a while there I had nightmares about the baby we lost. The only thing that kept my head out of the fog was to focus on what we could do. I knew I couldn't sit snd wallow in the pit of depression over that baby we lost and I wouldn't let that one event be the end of us having kids- the decision would not be made for me in such a bad ending with what ifs. So, I talked Allen into actually trying for another- if it didn't work out within the next 6 months, then I could be at peace knowing we were done. I was told after my d&c the next 3 months would be the best chance of I had one. It took me over 6 years with treatment to get Hayleigh and 18 months with no treatment to get Reid. The baby we lost was 9 months. So I didn't have my hopes set sky high, but I would give it a real go at this- all in or nothing. A month after I had the go ahead from my OB, I got the faint pink line on a pregnancy test. I immediately called and woke Allen up because of how planning has worked out in the past. After that I flirted with the name Charlie again, and I started having nightmares and started bleeding. I stumbled upon watching God is For Real, and bawled on the part the boy tells his parents about his sister with no name. I could not let a baby I've never met not have a name, so Charlie is that baby's name. Since coming to terms with that I haven't bled any or had nightmares.<br />
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Fast forward to today, I still have a pit of worry in my stomach while trying to enjoy this pregnancy. We had the trisomy 18 scare and go back for follow up ultrasound on the 6th. Ever since Charlie my sense of cloud 9 no wrong can happen has been shattered even though I've witnessed my friends lose babies- in the beginning of their pregnancies or at the end of term. You never really get it until it happens to you and rocks you to your core. Anyway, Charlie will be remembered with Eva's birth to which I hope goes smoothly with no complications. It's just been hard thinking and celebrating how Eva's birth will be when Charlie did not get that. But if Charlie would have been born back in December, there would certainly be no Eva. I know you could never choose to not have any of your children no matter how long they were here, but it is bittersweet in being thankful for a storm you have weathered that did take one dream but brought you through to a rainbow of another new dream only because of that storm. So today, Charlie has been on my heart and Eva's been kicking and bouncing reminding me of my rainbow soon to come.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-76729153742698004632015-01-23T21:03:00.000-06:002015-01-23T21:03:36.385-06:00Grouchy Mama BearTonight I'm trying something new, and posting from our ipad instead of the laptop. I need to vent tonight and I don't really feel like fighting the computer, so I'm doing the poke n type.<br />
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I haven't been in the greatest spirits or mood today. I got the info to get Hayleigh's pre-registrations one here in 2 weeks. Not happy about that at all. I've had people irritating me with mooching and weirdness, and I'm going to have to go grocery shopping solo next week - shoot me now. On top of all of that, we've been potty training Ellie still. I'm soooooo over puppies.<br />
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I'm just really not in a good mood and even Eva knows it from her protests or kicking and thumping me.<br />
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On a different note, I'm fed up with photography, yet kind of relieved or excited to be doing our own newborn/maternity pics this time around. I'm even getting geared up for a maternity boudoir session just for me since I can do this with just me and Allen in the comfort of our own home. I've been getting props ready, ordering new for Eva and studying up on editing and shooting newborns again. On the fed up part, I'm glad I've stepped back from the business end and really I'm just done taking pics for others in general. There is soo much time and effort I put into it all that I really don't get back anything in return. Just easier to do just ours and save my time and stress with it all. I know it sounds not so nice of me but I just don't want to do it anymore. I've never had anyone go out of their way for me on things like this and I'm just sick of giving over and over again I guess. Someone else can take time to learn buy and edit in my opinion.<br />
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In the midst of being grouchy I guess you can call it, I did some much needed cleanup of my friends list on Facebook. There's people who aggravate me or drive me crazy and people who creep that don't say a word until I post something that really upsets me then they put their 2 cents into it against what's making me upset. Please just stay in your little muddy hole and don't speak like you have been doing for the past 4 months. Just continue to be a silent troll. That's what I wish anyway. My hormones right now can't take someone being opposed difficult putting their 2 stupid cents in with me right now without me ready to kill said person.<br />
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I'm slightly worried and stressed about oil right now which doesn't help the situation and if someone is opening their mouths about oil that is pretty much a stick of dynamite with me right now. Besides the oil talk there are people my husband works with I could really strangle some days as well. I'm just glad this week has ended on a better note than it started with. I kind of wish he didn't tell me as much as he does- which I've learned is a lot more than what majority of husbands tell, but if he ever has a heart attack or stroke because of the stress and stupid from work, I want to know who I need to go after. I'm Mrs Jack the Bear after all and if everyone thinks my husband is the mean bear I'm sorry to say they are wrong. Some days I think about my mom and how everyone fears her for what she would do if they really made her mad. I've come to the conclusion that when it would actually come to really doing something I'm either more hard headed than her or more spiteful to actually carry it out. Allen laughs and calls me little Sue when I get mad. Boy you can tell how grouchy I am tonight talking about my levels of meanness.<br />
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Ending on all of that, I think it's time for some much needed ice cream, cookies, and a good sad movie for me tonight with hopes of rolling out of bed tomorrow in a better mood.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-27727587595518998792015-01-20T00:15:00.001-06:002015-01-20T00:15:43.107-06:00Hanging on by a Thread and Baby Blues before the Baby While lying here in bed in the complete quietness of both kids asleep in bed, no tv, and no snoring husband lying beside me, I've had the chance to spend some time tonight enjoying Eva. While watching my swollen belly move around like a waterbed, I sit here tonight thinking back to doing the same thing with both of my other babies. Before I was ever pregnant, I imagined pregnancy as this big comfy
hibernating being I would become. Pregnant women look so comfy with
their bellies poked out, comfy maternity clothes, just lounging and
eating.... until you feel a hard jab from the tenant inside to your ribs
that is...With Hayleigh I got to enjoy it all very much. That pregnancy lasted a good while and I felt so vibrant and uncomfortable, but most of all not ready to take the plunge into caring for a baby when the time came. Allen and I celebrated each kick, hiccup, and just really loved on my growing belly with our dreams of what would come. With Reid, I had 2 year old Hayleigh running around, and I tried to enjoy being pregnant as much as I possibly could. That pregnancy went by fairly quickly. Allen only saw me every two weeks, and we would enjoy kicks from him every night Allen was home. Now, here I sit doing the same once again, knowing all fully this is the last of the bump, the last of the kicks, hiccups and pregnancy to enjoy. I find myself loving my maternity clothes more, my growing belly more, and just the full of life while feeling drained as much as I possibly can. <br />
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My youth is slipping away faster and faster anymore, and it will not slow down. In less than a month, I turn 32 years old. I don't even really know what to say about it really except it just keeps moving faster and faster. I'm almost afraid to shut my eyes and wake up to being 40. I really just cannot believe I just typed that... 40. Forty is coming for me whether I'm ready or not. When I turn 40, we will have a 12 year old, a 10 year old, and an 8 year old. How the hell did that happen??!!! <br />
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Back almost 2-1/2 years ago, I was lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors, drugs, and ivs, thinking to myself while laboring with Reid, "this is the last time I will have to do this"... that actually brought me more comfort than you will know. Afterward, it brought me great sorrow. I got angry about growing up- you could say Eva has been my midlife crisis as you will. Allen and I had agreed Reid was it, we were done- one boy, one girl..DONE.... Then, Allen got a mowhawk at work, one of my friends was pregnant, and I refused to give my youth up and say I was done. Lead me out to pasture like an old show horse.<br />
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My babies grew up way too fast. Hell, they are still growing way too fast, and I really do not like it one bit. When we started trying again, it was like I had a hold of my youth by a hair... by God, it was not leaving me yet. I was not done. Now I fully understand why the Duggars have 19 kids... it's hard to admit you are done growing a family, and to just move on and away from that stage in your life. When I got pregnant with Eva the first month after my D&C, I thought ha! take that old age! My body has finally figured out what to do and to do it right without having to be prompted with drugs and charts. But in that same moment of seeing those two pink lines, I knew that would be the last time I would have that rush, to be experiencing the excitement of new life to come, and that moment turned very bittersweet for me. Allen could care less how many kids we have- he would go to the ends of the earth with me, and a brood of 10 kids, if I really wanted to have 10 kids. He is happy when I am happy.<br />
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So, I sit here tonight, clinging onto 25 weeks with Eva, and knowing full well in 3 short months and a week or two give or take, it will all be gone. The special little kicks, hiccups, rolls, and the bump will all be a distant memory as we go into sleep deprivation once again with a newborn, and get Hayleigh ready for kindergarten. I will miss the snotty nose I get every.single.time I am pregnant, the big boobs, the uncomfortable parts that we all forget once we hold that sweet bundle of joy, and most of all that magical bump. That bump that makes you feel so motherly, womanly, sexy, and just full of life. Just wish my hair would be lovely like it was with Reid, but alas, my belly will be an empty shell of what brought life into this world, and my voluminous wavy curly hair will return along with the normal dreams. Yet, life will never be the same again once Eva enters this world. We will question what life was really like before her because you can no longer imagine or remember what life was like without her in it. <br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-86419737941256868302015-01-11T20:40:00.001-06:002015-01-11T20:40:40.756-06:00Preparing for Christmas with Grandma Sue's visit, and Our Visit to O-town, and Our Big MoveI just realized I completely missed Halloween or even to mention we moved 3 months ago as well. Well, to catch that end up, back end of September, right around the time of my 8wk appointment, Allen finally got promoted to Supervisor on his crew. That has been both a curse and a blessing. The blessing being we qualified for company housing- a townhouse or a regular house owned by Halliburton. We ended up with the townhouse- that was a big to do deal and moving was as well. We ended up choosing the townhome over the house because all utilities and cable, etc.. everything was included in our rent which at the end of the day was only $200 more than we were paying for our house we were renting in Colorado- but ended up being balanced out from Allen's rent of his company shared townhouse just right around the corner from us now. We are now saving over $1000 a month with this move, I no longer worry about Allen driving 14 hours or more twice a month, and we get to see him every day.<br />
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There was an adjustment period of getting used to him being with us- the kids have been elated and so have I, but I no longer get my lazy days of cooking just mac n cheese or hot dogs for us for supper. I now cook a full meal every.single.day. Which is good- we all sit down together as a family every night instead of a week out of each month. <br />
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One of the bad things is we were not able to get Hayleigh enrolled in Pre-K up here. They are all full, so we have been working on the Pre-K stuff ourselves every day at home. Kindergarten shouldn't be a problem getting into.<br />
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The move was a pain in the butt. Our landlords were MIA the whole month leading to our move after multiple attempts to get in contact with them to go over the final details. Our final walk through of the house was a nightmare- everything that had been blemished on the house before we got it they tried to pin onto us, and despite the house being completely clean, nail free, carpets cleaned, etc., they still held almost half of our deposit for carpet cleaning and stupid little things even though they did not do any of those things for us before we moved in, and told us we got it as is. SMH... <br />
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Our townhome came fully furnished, and I mean everything down to towels, beds, bedding, etc... so storage has been a problem here even though we have more room. We are having to store 3 queen beds, a second table and chairs, love seat, and couch we are not using. They are in places all over the house- in the closet under the stairway, the garage, and Reid's bathroom to his room.<br />
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The only downside to moving here has been Allen gets phone calls all the time from the other crew and his service leader. I have no idea just how the crew he came off of when we moved here functioned before him... well actually I do know- he was there for the 3 months prior and did everything then. The current supervisor is incompetent, and can not lead his crew so he calls Allen at all hours asking random stupid questions that he should know. <br />
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My mom made a trip up here for a week and a half long visit for Halloween and to help us get settled in 2 weeks after we moved here. We had a great time, and got the Christmas stuff up just after Halloween since she was here to help me- it is still up and fixing to come down this coming week- I hope. We ended her visit with celebrating Reid's 2nd Birthday just a week early, and saw her off. We are still not completely done unpacking- and hopefully that gets fixed this week as well when we get a storage unit. <br />
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We then had my doctors appt. which is on the Catch up with Baby Georgie post you can read all about, celebrated Thanksgiving with me fixing a whole Thanksgiving meal for Allen's crew, delivering it in a blizzard with the kids. <br />
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We also made a trip back to Illinois for Christmas this year as well. We left on the 20th of December, and made it in after spending the night in Eau Claire, WI on Monday the 21st. We had a nice busy visit, and mainly just got to see our family for the whole visit. I wish we would have had more time, but we honestly only got to sit and relax 2 nights while we were there the whole almost 2 week visit. We attended Christmas Eve Mass at my church from my childhood- to which I was disappointed in the no trumpets, no baby Jesus being brought up to the nativity, and no incense- its a big Catholic deal for special occasions. Going to mass still made my night- yes I did tear up when the choir sang O Holy Night. Eva kicked me during the whole service and the kids behaved like angels. Allen didn't even give me any dirty looks about being there as well. I bought a maternity navy blue dress just for the occasion to wear with my off white pea coat, and all was perfect in the world. <br />
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Christmas morning came, along with Santa Claus... had a good time helping my mom help Santa after midnight mass- was a first I had ever seen her helping Santa out. The kids got more than they asked for, and were on their best behaviors. Mom and I prepared Christmas dinner, and Allen went hunting afterwards and ended up getting a doe. <br />
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We also spent a day seeing Santa Claus at the mall- gag.... I would just about drive 13 hours to see our old Santa from the 2 years prior. We did our first build a bear experience, and it did not go as I had envisioned, but we made it out $80 later with two cute reindeer. <br />
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The rest of our trip we had Christmas with my mom's family at a party that ended with one of the littles going through their plate glass wall, we celebrated Christmas with my dad, and got together with other family members for the rest of the trip. <br />
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We ended up leaving a day earlier than we planned due to a weather system that was due to hit North Dakota. The plan was to stop that first night around Fargo, ND, but as we drove on we knew that system was going to hit sooner than we expected, so we drove the whole way in, arriving to iced over Williston at 4am. Allen got up before I did that same morning and checked the road conditions for the state, and they were all in red, and iced over. The kids did fantastic the whole trip - Hayleigh only had an accident on the way to Illinois. Our trip to Illinois ended up being only a 19 hour drive, but the way back was 22 hours- we had both dogs and the kids with us through it all. I have absolutely no desire to travel anywhere out of town for a while I know that. <br />
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We still have no idea when we will be visiting Illinois again- probably not until Fall if we are lucky this year. We have people asking us to come back in April or May, but Eva will be coming at the end of April, so there is no way in hell we will be traveling with 3 kids- with one being newborn anytime soon after she is born just so a few people can see her in person for a 3 day visit since Allen's vacations are already planned for this year. CRAZY to think we would do that in the first place. I swear I really don't know what people think we are, because we sure in the hell are not super heros, or crazy stupid to make a trip like that anytime soon, when none of them are even willing to try to travel to us. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Buzz Lightyear and a Spooky Cat </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I even dressed me and Eva up at 13 wks with the x-ray shirt with a baby on bottom</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daddy got to see us off on our way for the trick or treat downtown- which was really a big hit! </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Right before we took Grandma back to the airport</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Setting up the tree a week before Grandma left </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our Townhouse</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Matching Christmas PJs from Our Elf, during advent </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T4qZUluG29M/VLMwg5YD75I/AAAAAAAACTI/QrL46RqnMRI/s1600/DSC_0501.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T4qZUluG29M/VLMwg5YD75I/AAAAAAAACTI/QrL46RqnMRI/s1600/DSC_0501.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These are only a few of the pictures I have- 90% of them I shot in Raw format on my camera and have yet to process them into jpegs.... lesson learned on that one- shoot both raw and jpeg for this kind of stuff. </td></tr>
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-72924186298440016802015-01-11T19:36:00.000-06:002015-01-11T19:36:00.615-06:00Do You want to Build a Snowman? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Part of our advent activities for December was to build a snowman. Our Elf, Santa Baby and her pet reindeer, George, brought a snowman kit to the kids. Luckily we got a good snow to build a snowman with. The kids absolutely loved the whole process, and making snow angels. I made a point to get my butt out with my camera and actually take pictures for once, and ended up using the pics for our Christmas card this year. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-64262023470911498862015-01-11T19:18:00.000-06:002015-01-11T19:18:04.849-06:00Catching up with Baby Georgie I know it has been a long time since I've been on here. We've all been doing fine- including baby Georgie. I finally had my first appointment with my OB on the 3rd of December- which was about all canceled. My OB I was assigned was out on an emergency, so they wanted to cancel my appointment after we arrived. I told them I needed to see someone since my last appointment was just with the nurse and financial advisor in October. They set me up with another OB there. I was prepared for just a normal regular belly check appointment followed later by anatomy scan ultrasound. I ended up getting another pap done, blood draw, and first round of glucose test done. <br />
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This whole pregnancy I've been pretty lean- I started over 10lbs less than where I had with my three previous pregnancies, but yet this OB that was the same size as me told me we should reschedule my anatomy scan for 2 weeks out since I was healthy in the middle. Yep, she really did say that.... I was 18 weeks 4 days at the appointment. I told her I was more lean than I had been with Hayleigh and Reid at that point, and we did not have any problems, and on top of that we would be out of state until the 3rd of January. She agreed to let me go ahead and do the ultrasound, and if we could not get good measurements we would then follow up with another scan when we got back. <br />
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The ultrasound went very well, kids behaved very good. We did get a good look at Georgie, the ultrasound tech was very nice. Everything looked great, and we managed to get 3D/4D images of Georgie, whom we found out is a GIRL we have decided to name Eva. I wanted to kick that OB in the ass after we got out of there- of course she was no where to be seen. We went home and announced Georgie aka Eva was a Girl from news of our Elf Santa Baby.<br />
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A little over a week later, we had a Trisomy 18 scare. On the ultrasound, they found a cyst on her brain that is commonly associated with Trisomy 18. I had called my OB office after I was notified via email my lab results were in, but were not posted. I figured I had failed my first glucose test (they do 2 here- an early and a late one). I was not notified prior and did not feel like taking the same test back to back on monthly visits. I received a phone call back from the nurse and the nurse whom my husband is now upset with proceeded to give me the run down about Trisomy 18, and how we needed further testing. That was all she told me, so instead of doing an amnio I went with the simple blood test first to see what the results would bring back- if they were not good, I would follow up with an amnio. I went in that same day- this was approx. a week after my appointment and had them draw my blood. I was told it would take 2 weeks to get results back, so I was figuring on Christmas or after. I was really worried about it all since Allen's half brother after him was born with Trisomy 13. (different dad). I did a lot of researching about Trisomy 18, and found that the other markers for it were low growth rate, organs not developing correctly, etc. Eva was ahead of the mark on growth, measuring a week further out, and her organs looked perfectly healthy. I decided for the hay of it I would call the OB up before we left for our trip back to Illinois for Christmas, to see if they received the results. The receptionist was of no help- made a big deal about the nurse should have called me with results like that they received 2 days prior. So, there I sat for 10 minutes waiting for the nurse to call me back. There really should be a book or training for OBGYN ettiquite towards patients. The nurse called me back promptly, and told me the results were negative for Trisomy 18, and we were indeed 100% sure having another girl. <br />
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So, anyway, everything with Eva is going just fine. She's been kicking and squirming a lot, and does not like the fetal Doppler I have we use to check on her from time to time- usually kicking it off of my belly. And, I've also had Braxton Hicks contractions since 16 wks pretty intense some days as well. <br />
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I am now 24 weeks, 1 day with Eva who should be measuring between 1-1/2 to 2lbs right now. My next appointment is tomorrow at 1pm. I'm planning on asking for another scan to make sure the cyst has gone away, which in cases like mine over 90% of them do. The following are some of the pictures we have of Ms Eva. I'll follow this post up with a Christmas post over our visit back to Illinois. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">kids announcing Evas a Girl</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">19wks</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">from my 8wk 4 day ultrasound Sept 30th </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Heartbeat was 174 bpm </td></tr>
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20wks </div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-77455753960631089912014-09-06T14:18:00.003-05:002014-09-06T14:18:18.003-05:00Baby G I've been feeling a lot better lately about my last ultrasound- hoping to see more this coming Thursday which is also my mom's birthday too. I've been back on the baby name debate, and had started to reconsider using our name we had picked out for the last pregnancy, Charlotte Cecilia Rae. I think that name has now been laid to rest. People may think it's silly, or stupid for my reasoning, but this is my beef with that name. That name was for that baby. When I thought about using that name again, and really started to contemplate it, I started spotting this pregnancy. I don't know if any of you have seen the movie or read the book, Heaven is For Real, but I have. The part that struck me the most in that movie was when the little boy was in heaven, an older little girl came up to him and wouldn't stop hugging him. He asked her what her name was, and she didn't have one. (I'm bawling right now as I type this). Anyway, the little boy's parents had a miscarriage before they knew what gender the baby was- it was early on. I could go on and on about how that breaks my heart, but I won't, and how the movie goes on after that, but you will have to read the book, or watch the movie for yourself. Anyway, all I can think about is this little being up in heaven with no name, and us giving her name to another baby. I can't do it. I'm not going to go on and on about our baby Charlotte- we don't even know what the baby was, but I do know that name that was reserved for that baby, will not be used for this baby. I want that baby to at least have a name up in heaven even if they do not have anything showing they were here for how little of time it was. I feel bad I threw out almost everything- the pregnancy tests, the balloons from that pregnancy. But, I did save the announcement cards I had with my final blood draw. I just could not bear to have those things I tossed to remind me of something that ended so terrible. This time, I tucked the tests away in the cedar chest along with Hayleigh and Reids tests, and all my charts and treatment stuff. I already have a new name picked out- it just keeps coming to me- kind of like when you try on your wedding dress, you just know that it's the one. I just have to convince my husband of this name now, but I think we can compromise on it. This baby, I can already picture in my mind. I see a little girl with brown hair- I might be proven wrong on hair color, but I see a sweet little girl with brown curly hair. Either way, this is my Georgie baby- so fitting as to the antique baby doll my sister and I fought over my mom had I called baby George. So Georgie is going to make it, we will get to meet them, hopefully her next Spring. And I already have her middle name picked out as well, I will save as a surprise, but the initials also spell something just like Hayleigh and Reid's both do- I have goosebumps! Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-45323450377731287202014-09-05T02:04:00.001-05:002014-09-05T11:51:38.794-05:00Late Night Pondering Off the Cloud and On the Ground Looking UPI've been too anxious to be on here lately. There has been lots of
things making me busy and have just been swirling around. My late night
ponderings have steadily made me question everything I know. Just
Monday, I started spotting. It ended up being a one time bathroom trip
deal, but scared me to my core once again and knocked me onto my ass and
off of my nice fluffy cloud I have been sitting on. Everything was fine
until Wednesday morning, I woke up spotting once again. But this time
it wasn't a one time deal- ended up lasting the whole day and evening. I
was in a state of panic, thinking back to back in May when I spotted
with my last pregnancy. I had booked an ultrasound for Thursday anyway,
but had had enough to call in to get checked out that day. I scrambled
the whole morning, and ended up having to take Hayleigh with me to the
appointment right after she got out of preschool late. Reid was staying
with a friend that I am thankful for and thankful I dropped him off
before going to Hayleigh's preschool. I was so nerved up that I left my
cell phone in the excursion. Hayleigh and I waited what seemed like
forever- no phone to tell me what time it was. She asked me what was
wrong, and I told her I was scared. She hugged me and told me I was
alright that she had me and it would be okay- same thing I tell her when
she's scared. I am thankful her class did get out late because my
little four year old was there for me. We spent our time talking about
her day at school. She told me she had fun and really likes her teacher.
She loves playing with the toys there and drawing. I finally got called
back, and my blood pressure was through the roof- 130/80. I knew it
would be. Hayleigh got a sucker and we went back to the room. We made
small talk with the nurse, and waited forever again for the doctor to
come in. She was very dry, and quick, and short. Not what I was needing
right then. We saw the yolk sac and the sac, just not a baby yet. All we
can do is go back in a week and see how things have progressed. I left
feeling just as worried as before. The new receptionist didn't help in
taking 10 minutes to figure out how to schedule my next appointment and
cancel my one for the next day. I ended up finally making it home with
both kids and taking a long nap, relaxing the rest of the night. I did
consult the Internet and found that what I saw was very common, and I
most likely ovulated very late this time. So, I haven't spotted today,
and I'm trying to keep optimistic and as positive as I possibly can.<br />
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It's
funny how all I ever worried about was getting pregnant. Pretty much, I
didn't worry really as much as I do now to sustaining a pregnancy. I'm
scared I am getting older, so my eggs are probably getting ehhh, I have
joked to Allen that my uterus is now hostile. Used to, once that stupid
stick had 2 lines or said positive, you were golden. Now.. I'm almost
afraid to sneeze. It really amazes me how bedside manner is lacking in
an area that is very sensitive. I am very anxious to switch to a midwife
as soon as everything checks out. My past experience with OBGYNs has
not been too great. My first tried to tell me I was too young to worry
about infertility- I was young and it would happen- stupid MALE asshole.
Second one was all up for diagnosing my infertility but his office had a
crappy way of doing things- would not bill my insurance for diagnostics
covered by my insurance and wanted me to pay in full up front over a
thousand dollars. The specialist were great I dealt with, then I moved
on to my first midwife. I LOVED her- she always remembered what we
talked about- took great notes and care to know her patient. I had to
see a OBGYN then before delivering just to have one on standby in case
of surgery- she was cold, short, and dry. My midwife stayed the night
with me laboring- not in the room, but checked on me often, and was
there a few hours after I had Hayleigh. With Reid when I found out I was
pregnant, she ordered tests, and followed up with me to make sure
everything was fine. I moved out here to Colorado, and got another
midwife- she was good- not as good as my first, but I was happy with
her. Then I got pregnant in April, and my midwife was no longer here, so
I decided to go with an OBGYN in her office that was on
maternity leave. Decided to see an associate there- MALE doctor for my
first couple appointments. Well, we can remember how that went. He blew
me off, never even called or checked my charts or blood work he ordered-
took a Friday off, and I still had to call him. I watched this same
doctor that blew me off deliver a baby a little over a week ago. It was
weird, and I didn't breath a word. I then went back to the same doctor
that had been good to me and took care of business of what Male Dr.
could not do, and she was very cold this time. I don't know where the
personable part of being a doctor has went with all of these people. It
is really sad that I'm guessing that their jobs have turned into just
that a job... I'm just hoping and praying in the meanwhile that I make
it though this all and get to switch to a midwife after we move. <br />
<br />
I
miss living on that cloud of not worrying or having to really worry
about anything going wrong. Truth is I had been very lucky. Once we fall
or have something bad hit us hard, it's hard to get back up and look at
things the same way ever again. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-6929498658134349112014-08-27T17:30:00.001-05:002014-08-27T17:30:38.649-05:00Hayleigh's First Day of Pre-KIn all of this new baby, new to pre-k, possibly relocating, and crazy busy with photo sessions, I have managed to forgot to post about Hayleigh's first day of Pre-K. <br />
<br />
Hayleigh's first day of Pre-K was hard...we got up early, got her ready with her new backpack. I had everything laid out from the night before, even the camera with all of her supplies. I almost bawled, she was so excited until we got there, and then she just stood still like a statue. Reid on the other hand made friends immediately, playing with 2 other boys with dinosaurs. He was beyond upset when we went to leave. Just having Reid home with me for the few hours made the house sooo quiet! We sat on the floor and played, then I finished a few edits from a previous session while updating everyone via phone about how Hayleigh did. When we did manage to pick Hayleigh up, she was very talkative, and exclaimed "MOMMY!" when she saw Reid and I in the doorway. She is getting better at it, and has become less shy with every day. She is such a big girl already, and it makes me so sad knowing this all went by too fast. I guess at least I still have Reid and then this baby on the way for me to finish soaking up all the baby days I can, while I still can. <br />
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It really does scare me how it will all be someday when all of the kids are out of the house. I envision one of those moms on a movie that is so clingy, embarrasses the kids, and goes through extreme empty nest syndrome. I have pretty much given everything up just to be a mom, and stay at home with my kids.. photography has become the outlet to help try to keep from becoming clingy mom, and do something for myself. <br />
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-26247248198836458202014-08-22T17:49:00.001-05:002014-08-22T17:49:53.326-05:00Secrets, Hopes, and a BIG FAT TRAITOR! - Draft from October 2013... Well, if you are reading this post, I did end up publishing it for a good reason.<br />
<br />
I have a secret..or rather secret HOPE<br />
<br />
For the past week and a half, I have felt like I haven't felt in almost a year- 10 months to be exact. I have had a lot of signs pointing in one direction, and from what at first freaked me out, turned into a secret hope that only Allen and I share until we know for sure.<br />
<br />
Can you guess what it is? Well I'm sure you know by now, because I am planning on not publishing this until we announce the big news. So, for right now, September 28th, on a very late Friday night, I think, and have thought I am pregnant once again.<br />
<br />
Yes, I realize Reid is only 10 months old. Yes, I realize that we said we were done. Yes, I realize we already have one boy and one girl. And, YES, I realize that I can potentially be crazy right now.<br />
<br />
BUT, I can't help but hope that we were wrong about our family being complete, and we are making room for one more tiny sweet soul in our family.<br />
<br />
Right now, I should almost be 4 weeks, and I know it is very early. I am having to wait to take a pregnancy test. I can smell everything, I'm bloated deluxe, my boobs look like I've had a boob job done, and I have been crampy, I'm craving chocolate, my nose is slightly stuffy, I'm exhausted, I have headaches all the time, with a few other tell tale signs... If I don't end up being pregnant, you will not be seeing this, and I will utterly feel completely crazy with this staying on hold in my drafts! So, if you are reading this, I am probably one of the happiest people in this world right now.<br />
<br />
I realize with one more baby, it will mean one of the kids will have to share a room. At first, I was feeling down about this. BUT, we will not be living in this house in three years time, and we can find a house with 4 bedrooms to settle into by then. The kids can bunk up- after all my sister and I did until I was in 4th grade. We even shared a full sized bed, to which I am leaning towards if we have a girl, and after she is ready to come out of her crib. If it's a boy, we can get bunk beds, and we're set!<br />
<br />
While this was not in our plans, I kind of feel like my heart has lead me here. Right now I am trying to come up with great things to do if that test turns positive to surprise Allen with, and other ways to tell our family- to which I am praying they are all excited and HAPPY about. I know with talking it over with the possibilities with Allen that we both have our hopes up for a baby to really be on the way. I think to us our kids are the most precious things in life we have. Well, they are not things, but are beings, but to us, they are the greatest treasures/gifts in this life that we have right next to our marriage.<br />
<br />
On a different note. I am a traitor. I am a big fat traitor if you are reading this my fellow inferitiles. I am no longer an infertile. One, okay- with Hayleigh, I was, but now 2 kids - well one here, and one on the way.... Yeah, I feel like a total hypocrite, traitor, etc. I can no longer classify myself in that category. I have dealt with infertility, but it was just to get Hayleigh. I realize that I am a happy ending to infertility, and this does happen to other people all the time, but I just cannot help but feel for the ones I've left behind on this. I know others out there are struggling to get pregnant, and I didn't have to these past 2 times. I know that that is a real blessing, but... I don't know. I know it is very bittersweet for me is all.<br />
<br />
The part that makes this the worst, and I mean the worst, was I was on the pill. I felt funny, and thought I might just be, and I stopped taking my pill after the date the baby would have been a done deal. I jinxed myself when I got off the mirena, after they asked me not once, not twice, but FIVE times if I was sure, and I kept saying put me on the pill light dose, I'm not Fertile Myrtle..... Inserting Foot in BIG fat Mouth! So, if I am pregnant, and you are reading this, we are waiting to see if I have the baby c-section or not. If I don't, Allen will be getting scheduled in right after baby is born to get fixed, otherwise, I will be getting fixed. I'm not even going to say a word about chances of either happening or anything- I've learned my lesson from the Mirena. So, yeah... I don't know what else to say. I just know that I wanted to say something now, before we knew exactly if it was a yes or no kind of deal. I wanted to remember what I felt right this moment. I feel completely anxious, hopeful, and extremely fearful that I am crazy- I'm imagining this all, and I am completely stupid to think otherwise. Because, if I really am not, I don't know if I can go back on that pill now.<br />
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All I can say is that I am really HOPING and PRAYING to be able to carry a sweet life once again- it is one of the biggest miracles in this world. To bring life into the world. I think when I've been pregnant, it has been the greatest feeling in this world to me, despite how uncomfortable, or in pain I have been at times. I feel the most beautiful pregnant - swollen ankles, belly and all. After all, bringing life into this world is the greatest thing I have done with my life. Those babies can change the world someday, and will bring love and happiness into this world as well.<br />
<br />
If you are reading this, I know that someday this special life will also be reading it one day in the future. Just know you was loved from the moment we thought you was a real possibility and you was not once a regret or a mistake. You was made with love, and brought into a loving home, and we will love and cherish you every single day of our lives. See you soon- most likely in end of May, since neither your brother or sister wanted to wait to meet the world.<br />
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We love you sweet angel. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Love, Mommy </div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-42185937228213837392014-08-22T17:38:00.000-05:002014-08-22T17:38:12.048-05:00Another Draft From June... Through Good Times and Bad, We've made it through together~Today was a good day. I laughed, cried happy tears, and got some stuff done. I'm feeling more upbeat today which feels so much better than grouchy blah. I heard from a friend that I've been emailing back and forth, and spent quite a bit of time playing with the kids. I did everything from reading up on the Saints to debating over getting holy water in the house to help get this cloud looming to move. <br />
<br />
Tonight we decided to watch a different set of shows for a change- wedding gown search. While watching the shows it had me thinking back to when Allen and I got married going on 11 years this November. To think that the wedding was the big deal. Now, looking back it was just a small step in the big things. I definitely wish we had Pinterest back then- I think we would have gotten a wedding that more fit us on our budget- I think that most brides from back 5 years or more all can agree on that. I've been tempted to get out my wedding dress that is in a box preserved. I know there is no way I can fit that dress now which is okay. I certainly don't expect Hayleigh to wear my dress when she gets married someday, but what I do want is for her parents to still be in love and still married. <br />
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When we got married we thought that this marriage business would be a piece of cake. How hard could it be when we already took care of one another, supported one another, and after all we really loved each other and were best friends. No one tells you just how hard that first year is regardless of what your relationship was before. No one tells you how hard after that first year it will be and continue to get. I guess it's not that being married is hard. Life gets hard. Between bills, money, jobs, trying to even have kids, to having kids, working and working 13 hours away from your family... that's the hard stuff. I think it's the deciding that no matter what happens you will stick it out for each other, you will fight for each other, you will celebrate life and mourn it together. It's not easy, but you do it. <br />
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This past week I know I've told my husband at least a hundred times that I'm sorry for not being happy. I know he's hurt as well over the loss, but I think what hurts him most is that he cannot make the hurt of the loss go away or make it any less. I know on Tuesday when I was at that doctor's office by myself getting the D&C done that he wished he could be there to help me through it. He was scared for me- how it would change me, or hurt me. I made it out of it all just fine- better than I even thought I would but I think it was mainly because I had my mind set on the fact that I had to. I had to be okay not only for me, but for him and for the kids. I didn't have time to breakdown even if I wanted to. My husband relies on me to hold our home together while he is away working. It's nothing he has told me or we have talked about, but it's something I have to do for us and for our family. <br />
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I was looking at our wedding picture earlier thinking we looked like a newborn baby does. It is a fresh start. From that point on everything is new. Eleven years later we have plenty of hard times, and plenty of great times. Some of the hard times could have broken us- some almost did. But, during it all you learn to change with what life's throwing with you, and you cling to your partner while changing course. Having babies has been the most emotional parts of us being married by far. While we have had our share of fights, I think the hardest fights were us fighting ourselves. We tend to fight more when we are battling ourselves because it's hard to focus on your other half when you cannot even focus or get to terms with yourself. The other things life has thrown at us have been tough, but it was so much easier for us to cling to each other than the self battles we faced. All you can do when those battles hit is be there for your partner, and not leave their side no matter what, even if you have to take a step back and let them have their space you always stay there. <br />
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It really just amazes me how far we've come, how much we've changed, and how loving each other through the tough times seems to get easier as time goes by. I know it won't always be that easy to love one another, more hard times will come, but we look forward to the good times to come...Watching our kids grow up together, and being there together for them. I don't know what the future holds for us, but one thing I count on is us being together, still best friends and growing old together. I look forward to watching our kids someday get married and us being there together remembering the day we said our vows and hoping our kids have a strong marriage like we have had. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-88300349589255895912014-08-22T17:16:00.001-05:002014-08-22T17:16:41.712-05:00Rainbows - a post from July I've kept in my drafts until nowFunny how I thought the days of wanting a baby so very badly were gone. Here I sit once again 5 years later from the first time I was in the trying to conceive camp. I have to wait until this Sunday to test, and it is now Thursday. Only 4 people know about this right now, and let me tell you I'm going crazy waiting. I've joined 3 support groups just to vent and have left all 3 within the same week because everyone is soo focused on every single thing. Every possible symptom has me on edge. I know it is not likely that I'll get a positive test, but my hopes are sky high. <br />
<br />
I used to not really worry a whole lot while pregnant or getting pregnant that something would be wrong with the baby. Now, I'm scared to death. I just want a happy and healthy baby. That's it.. just ONE more. Now granted if someone upstairs thinks this is funny and gives us two, then I'll still take it. I absolutely hate having to wait to find out. Hate it. <br />
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On one of the sites I joined there was a bit about rainbow babies. I'm not big all of these deals they all do- baby dust and all of that, but this did make me sit still and cry for just a minute. It perfectly describes what I feel like now- what I am hoping for. That hope is what has been keeping me going. <br />
<strong>"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.♥</strong><br />
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I read that yesterday evening. Then, last night while lying in bed a thought struck me. (I was not even thinking of the rainbow baby poem. If we do get a baby, it will be considered a rainbow baby) My grandma always used to write in all of our birthday cards: ~"May there always be a rainbow in your heart to help make your dreams come true"... I'm really hoping Grandma was trying to tell me something last night. <br />
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I still have this little being pictured in my mind of who we are missing. We are still missing our Charlie. Plain and simple. Now whether we will ever get that little being is not determined yet that we know of. But I hold hope of my little Charlie bug for someday. <br />
<br />
**While I was not pregnant after all in that moment in time, it is happening right now. I was so on edge and focused on too much- and it didn't happen. It never has for me when I've been so focused on every little detail. This past month, I made a point to keep myself busy- stressing over every single thing does not help you out one bit. I learned that after my second round of IUI that resulted with Hayleigh after spending the whole month avoiding all pregnancy related stuff. I just made sure I followed my drugs and the schedule, and did not stress over it all. This time I completely threw myself into my photography- did the trick! Now, I'm just praying everything runs smoothly, but wanted to share this**Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-65185147830577769412014-08-22T16:28:00.000-05:002014-08-22T16:45:40.217-05:00Dear BabyTo Our Sweet Little Angel,<br />
It has almost been a whole week since we have found out that you are really there. While I'm so excited and anxious to get to see you on an ultrasound monitor and hear the sounds of your precious heartbeat, I worry for you and pray for you each and every day. I'm scared for you, and don't want to lose you like I did with the last baby back in June.. But if we wouldn't have lost that baby, there would be no you. I've been watching what I eat, and taking my vitamins like I should and try to take it easy just for you. I've been dreaming of who you will be, and what you will look like. I'm sure you will probably look a lot like your brother and sister do- they look a lot alike, I'm still holding out for you to have dark hair like me like I dreamed about before Hayleigh as born. It doesn't really matter who you will look like- you are already loved so much. As anxious as I am to watch you grow, you are my last baby. I want to enjoy all this time with you as much as I can, because it will all be gone in a blink of an eye, and you will be walking and talking just like your brother is now- who grew up way too fast for me. Feel free to kick, bounce and roll around as much as you can while in my belly, because that will be one of the first things I will miss when you make it out here. I'm sure by the time we are in the final weeks of you making your grand appearance, I'll be changing my mind on this, but I mean it- bounce around all you can just so you can help me stay relaxed knowing your are doing just fine, and your brother and sister can see and feel you moving around too. I'm planning on getting a fetal Doppler so we can listen to your hiccups and heartbeat every day. Both Hayleigh and Reid are so excited- Hayleigh gives you hugs and kisses every morning and night. She says she will take care of you- help feed you, change your diapers, and play with you. Reid gets so excited saying Baby and pointing to my belly where you now live. Your Daddy is also so excited, but worries for you and me both, hoping you are healthy and everything goes smoothly. We are hopefully getting ready to relocate very soon to be with Daddy all the time- it will be nice to have Daddy home with us every day getting to watch you grow, and my belly grow, being able to go to our appointments, and not having to worry about him missing your grand entrance into this world. I know I've said I hope you are a girl, and feel deep down you are a girl, but if you come out being a boy, I'll love you just as much- even though dresses and girly stuff are more fun. I already have your crib, and car seat picked out, and your name if you are a girl. Above all, I hope and pray you are healthy, and keep growing and developing just fine and I can see you thriving in there very soon! <br />
<br />
Love you to the moon and back~ Mommy Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-31711585602843189052014-08-19T15:29:00.001-05:002014-08-19T15:29:40.573-05:00And there were 5.....The day I've been waiting for... to spill some big beans. I'll go ahead and say it, then catch everyone up to speed second. We're expecting again!! Due April 2015. <br />
<br />
So, basically since we lost the last baby the 2nd of June, and I had to go in for a D&C, we have been trying for another. It's not to replace the baby we lost at all. Right now, my hormones have been optimal for this, so it was do or die.. We have set a new record or trying for only 2 months- which to me is a huge shock. The past 2 (Reid and the baby we lost took 1-1/2 years and 9 months) We are both elated, and I really couldn't keep this in any longer. We found out exactly 5 years to the day we went in for our first round of IUI- kind of neat huh? <br />
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While I am so excited, I really am scared shitless. Since losing the past baby, it kind of sucked some of the joy out of finding out with this one. I'm still in denial this is happening. I did order Reid his big brother book, and have shirts for both of the kids, that I just could not bring myself to order last time. I'm determined that I will be thankful, joyful, and optimistic no matter how scared I feel deep down. I will be as happy with this one as I have with all of my pregnancies. This is a blessing, and no matter how scared I am of it going away, I still want everyone to know about a precious blessing/life that is starting now. I could have waited until I made it to 12 weeks, but that would be living in fear the whole time. Until the baby is born and is healthy and thriving outside of the womb, it is always a possibility that something can go wrong. Anyway, I have my first ultrasound on the 4th of September, and until then, I think I'll be on pins and needles. As much as I want our whole family there for that moment, it is not going to happen. Allen is gone until the 15th- to which I can schedule another follow up ultrasound... nothing like hearing the miracle of a baby's heartbeat. <br />
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I know this is kind of choppy, but I'm sitting here literally waiting for Reid to wake up so I can finish the pictures without blabbing it beforehand on facebook. It's just really nice to know that every night I prayed for this baby, and God answered that prayer. Both of the kids are excited, and Allen and I are over joyed for this new miracle. <br />
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-23173002722289236202014-08-05T03:12:00.000-05:002014-08-05T03:30:42.293-05:00Should I stay or should I go....I have a problem that has become clear. It is 1:30 in the morning and I am not in bed enjoying snuggling with my hubby. It is hot in our bedroom, he is sweaty, snoring, and I love our bed- but not with him in it right now... what the hell has happened here??? Well, with him being gone for 2 weeks, and home for 1 week, I have grown accustomed to having the WHOLE bed to MYSELF. When it is just me in there it is cool, the bed curves to me only and I am soo snuggled in, blankets all stay in one place with sheets all staying tucked in hospital corner style. I also don't cook much anymore- only a few times a week do I with just me and the kids- I'm talkin mac n cheese, spaghetti, meatloaf or goulash are a BIG deal here. I cook and clean every day Allen is here, and frankly I've gotten to where I don't know how other "moms" out there do it every.single.day.... Something is really wrong with that.... <br />
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Let me take you back a day on this all. Sunday night I think Allen and I reached an epiphany. He is now driving back here by himself, no partner to help drive back and forth since his partner got switched to another crew/rotation. Now, Allen has to make the 12-13 hour drive in GOOD weather by himself. This used to not even be a problem. When we first moved out here, there was a direct company flight that left here on Sunday morning, and flew in on Monday afternoon at 2pm. It was wonderful- picking him up here at our airport in the private plane sector. His crew got split up- he is the last original guy left on Silver Crew from his Grand Junction crew. They moved the flight to just Denver around the time Reid was born since they lost people from here, and people on the flight. Now, Allen can drive to Denver to catch that flight if he wanted- it doesn't get into Denver until 6pm- which puts him home around 930-10pm on Monday night in good weather across the slope, and he leaves out 7 am-ish on Monday morning. It's a hassle, and he loses time here with us with it. <br />
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So, where does this all lead us.... to somewhere I swore we would never go. After Allen was leaving North Dakota after working all day, we were both expressing how much we hated his drive. Then I think we both kind of just broke down on it all. Our lease is now up- we are free to move around. We love this area a lot but.........He's gone 2 weeks, then driving 30 hours round trip to and from us. We are fine with the schedule- we make it work. What if we gave up a few things for making some things not so hard though??? <br />
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Halliburton has housing for families, and just workers. They have man camps- basically a dorm like setting that is free for employess to live there. It is noisy, people coming and going at all hours- it's kind of like a dorm/hotel deal. A "maid" comes and cleans your room, so you have no real privacy. But it's free- which is great. They also serve food for free- cafeteria style- after a week you're burnt out. <br />
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Then, they have the townhouse housing for employees to share- that is what Allen does. For $275 a month, you can have you're own private master bedroom with bathroom- has a lock key card like a hotel to get in- so it stays locked, they share a garage, kitchen, 2 living rooms, and a dining room, laundry room, and outdoor patio. All utilities are paid- including cable and internet, and it is fully furnished with 4 guys living there. It is really nice- we visited Allen's back when he only had 1 room mate. Right now his townhouse is full- but they are all clean, and cook together. I joke one of the guys is Allen's work husband- he keeps the place stocked up with scented candles and air freshners, brought in more curtains, and rugs. I promise the guy is not gay- he is just pretty picky on what he likes. They all share 2 grills they have brought there, and grill out a lot. It's nice and Allen really likes it over the man camp even if he has to do his own cooking. The only thing they do not like is they have cleaners come every other week that go into their rooms- just to vacuum and mop the bathroom floor. With these guys, it is not needed, and the people who do this snoop and spy on the guys- the maintenance guy was thought to have come in on a day he was not on, and $400 cash went missing from scented candle guy's room. It was a big to do, and the ladies were called in and were complaining how guys up there had hookers, and were messy, had drugs.... which we know for a fact was not going on in this townhouse. sigh.... anyway......<br />
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Then for families, there are 3 types of housing. There is Halliwood- the apartment complex everyone has dubbed the name Halliwood. It is a huge apartment that has 3 bedrooms- all with their own bathrooms. The key card has been disabled from all of the doors- it was orig. set up like the townhomes, but so many families were moving up there, so the apartments switched to family only. They cost around $1200 a month. It is a cesspool for gossip, colds, and just drama. That's what I hear anyway since I would say 90% of the women are stay at home wives. I believe their utilities are included except for cable/internet there. They do have a garage area- one car slot and is open, not private to all who live there. It is actually right across the field from Allen. <br />
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They then have 2 levels for mainly supervisors and service leaders- the townhomes and houses. The townhomes are supervisors for the most part with their families. I believe they run the same as the apartment, and some utilities are included. I think the same as the apartments- but not completely sure. They do not have a fenced in yard- basically they are unfurnished versions of Allen's, but just a family occupies it instead of room mates. They are 3-4 bedroom and have their own bathrooms I believe as well. They have a park right in the neighborhood- something we do not have here, and a dog park as well. <br />
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Then there are the houses. Those are service leader only. They are very limited, but have their own fenced in backyard, and I believe run the same as the townhouses- just a house. Same deal with them on utilities as well I believe. <br />
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So, as you can see we have an option here... no, not the apartment. Allen's supervisor title should be done and through when he goes back up this Sunday. We are currently checking into getting into a townhome as it seems. This is where our talking lead to. I know we've went on about how much harder it would be to live with Allen- he is on a night one week/day the next work rotation. The kids would have to stay quiet, and he would not get to see us but a few hours a day. That was our main reason for staying here- it was just easier- we had our own schedules. But... the bedrooms are all upstairs, unlike the apartments to which the bigger problems with noise really are with bedrooms being on the same level with a family. The kids really don't get loud through the day and Hayleigh will be in kindergarten next year. It would be nice for Allen not to have to take the extra time to cook and do his laundry- getting up earlier for those- I would already have them done, and we would get more than 30 minutes a day on the phone talking. We really do love it here in Colorado- not saying we would never come back. We have plans in our near future- 2-3 years for Allen to switch gears and move up. We are living in our rent house as a temporary thing... and quite frankly it's getting pretty old here. We need way more storage than what we currently have- there is hardly much, and it is very small- but cheap on rent for here. I really do not like our neighborhood, but it's not terrible. People just really do not take care of their places here, and I HATE that neighbor's barking dog that apparently no one can do anything with. I think pretty much the only things we do not like here are our house, the area the house is in, the time away from Allen, and the drive. We do not have family here, there is no longer a company flight, and Allen's crew is not all here- like it was when we first came here- our reason for moving here to begin with. Now, we do love this area- the city, the amenities, the scenery, things and places to do and see, and it has 3 great hospitals. It is very clean for it's size, and has great private schools. The parts we like, we would be giving up. The grocery shopping, just shopping availability in general, the restaurants, and things and places to see/do would be cut. The closest place to go to a mall and Sams club is a 2 hour drive- about like back in Illinois what we had there. But, we would gain seeing Allen every day, him not driving almost 2 days worth every month, we would save over $800 a month without the double rent and the travel expense, not to mention the wear and tear on a vehicle with the insane mileage that is being put on it. Allen would have meals already cooked for him, see us, have his laundry done, and not being spending time driving and missing us. <br />
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What to do..... After saying the things we would gain out loud Sunday night, I kind of got sold on the townhome deal. IT IS NOT PERMANENT. That is what I keep thinking over and over again. The kids and I really don't get out much at all. I don't go to the mall hardly at all- mainly when Allen is home- but once every 3 months or so. They do have bad winters up there, I go back to tornado area- we do not get them here and I LOVE that, the town is still growing- they have a new rec center that is open all year round, new bigger hospital, but eating out is not good- service is horrible, the traffic is thick and crazy, shopping at Walmart is like shopping in a third world country- everything is left out on pallets all the time. I have Amazon, and at least do not go shopping much, and we already don't get out much. Some of Allen's crew live up there, and I could have more friends there that are on the same rotation, and same company/line of work. My photography business could be moved with no problem as well, since I am not established here yet. The only things I really worry about is the school situation- we would do private, and the doctor situation. I know there will be more dog walking, and bundling up. But to me the trade off would be better than what we have now. AND I would get used to sharing a bed once again...<br />
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Nothing is set, and nothing will be happening soon. I'm sure there is a waiting list- but it's all who you know up there and who you are. Allen is moving up very fast there, and his second level service leader really does help Allen get things moved along. So, who knows what will happen. I'm sure we will probably be spending Christmas here, and maybe much more time than that, but at least we are free from a lease and free to make changes if we would like to. <br />
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~ just some late night thoughts coming from she who does not share a bed well...... Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-26673111773419352492014-07-30T23:18:00.002-05:002014-07-30T23:18:29.086-05:00If You Don't Know Me By Now..... Today, I said some things on social media I've been holding in. I know I've posted about it all on here- goes to show how much people listen to what I have to say- and I am okay with that. The people that know me best- the three girls I am proud to call my best friends all live in Illinois. LONG way away from me here. It doesn't mean I don't have any other friends though. But I think everyone can agree I am a bit outspoken at times. I try to be honest with everyone, and I don't like things sugar coated, or fluffy. The next person that tells me they ALMOST bought a plane ticket to come see me, but couldn't find the time to write me or call me instead, I'm going to cut. Seriously, why would you out of the blue come to my front door without telling me first? It would be a grand surprise, but if it was to be here for me when I needed it, say like a month ago, and you could not fly to me, or was not going to fly to me, couldn't you just send me a little message, call me, or text me somehow and tell me you are at least thinking about me? <br />
The things about me you probably already know: I'm outspoken at times, and I deal with stuff the best I can by myself. I deal with stuff by myself not because it's easier, but mainly because no one is here to help me. I'm not good at asking for help at all- I can't cry to Allen wanting help... he can't just beam here and fix what needs fixing, but if he HAD to if it was really important, he would. My D&C I had done first of June, he would have come, but I didn't want him to lose time at work- he's in the middle of a big promotion, and I have to be able to take care of stuff at home for him. I did it all for me and for him. I did call for help at least that time- had a friend here take care of Hayleigh and Reid for me while I was getting the procedure done, and to drive me to and from the appointment. That was really such a life savor. <br />
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If you are one of my friends, or just someone who actually reads my blog out of the 20-30 people who do, you pretty much get the picture, and get most of what is going on here. I don't hide much, you get me at 100% or nothing. <br />
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I'll go ahead and put out there that I am hoping for baby #3 to come along. We are putting forth effort, so I don't want to ever hear if it happens again about "Oh, wow, 3 you'll have your hands full" or " Wow guess you know how that works now". IT's not funny and YES I would like to think we know how this all works, and better than most do after our extensive learning we went though 5 years ago with the whole infertility card. <br />
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I've also found that maybe I need to get some happy pills to help take some of the edge off- but of course you cannot take them while pregnant. Let me just say that I have not had any of these happy pills to this day. And now I know how every other mother out there keeps their calm and happy faces, while my hair is doing a fuzz bing into the air with smoke rolling out of my nose and ears. I might actually have to look into these someday, but I've made it this far without going bat shit crazy happy pill free. Be amazed....lol. <br />
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This has turned into a bit of a rant - 2nd one of the day. I just do not understand why people are shocked or surprised about something I've said. I'm pretty straight forward. I'm a talker- I talk through my stuff. I will always have a ear to listen- thanks to the 3 gals back in Illinois, and God forbid my husband at least. I usually do not bore him with social media unless we have absolutely nothing to talk about since we talk about everything already. <br />
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Anyway, I'm tough for a reason, and I guess I expect the women around me to be tough too since I don't like holding someone's hand while crying over coffee.. We will be out doing something productive while mourning at the same time. The Band Perry's song, Chainsaw, would be mine had I ever had a boyfriend besides Allen, or maybe some Miranda Lambert songs... I love hard, I pray hard, I work hard, play hard..and I just don't do easy. Plain and simple. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-29512276460826422722014-06-12T23:50:00.003-05:002014-06-12T23:52:42.967-05:0050 Shades of Blue<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If I could sum up this month it would be 50 Shades of Blue for me. My left arm is still black and blue from the lab drawing my second HCG levels. If you could see me on the inside it would go from bright red from anger to black/blue from how sad I am. <br />
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These two pictures I have a love hate relationship with right now.. They are the last bump pictures I took. While I'm grateful I have them, they hurt to look at them at the same time. I absolutely LOVE Hayleigh's expression in the first. I couldn't pay that girl to do that in a picture while I was pregnant with Reid. This time, she was constantly loving on the bump..hugging, kissing, playing peek-a-boo with the baby. She was really excited. I don't think she has completely figured out that the baby is gone yet. She still wants to hug what's left of my belly, and kiss it. I tell her the baby is gone, and she replies without missing a beat don't worry, she will get me a new one. I love that little girl to pieces. <br />
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I have been doing better about the whole baby loss aspect of things, it just seems like everything else has been hitting me lately and I just am tired. Very, very tired of fighting. After cleaning up poop everywhere yesterday, and I do mean every where, today started out much better- no more poop and I got a room done. Then I decided it was a good idea to order pizza from Munchies and go and pick it up. It all went down hill when I went to put the car seats into the excursion, and Hayleigh's won't lock- it will buckle in, but the back will not snap down. Then the fridge and dirt bike decided to not want to let go of my car doors, got everyone in, and forgot that Allen has swapped out the switch in our vehicles since the part that went out of his that controls the fan speed would take a week to get in. Basically it will only run on high fan. It started to rain, my low fuel light come on, and then the battery light on the dash popped on....... I swear. I managed to pick up the pizza and make it back home- I knew I had plenty of fuel to make it back but I did not feel like stopping past a parts store to have them test the batteries which are both less than a year old along with the alternator. I'm hoping it's throwing the code since that switch part is not working correctly. Tomorrow is the last Friday the 13th with full moon until year 2049, and I'm half scared to get out of bed in the morning. I will not be doing much of anything- I can promise that much.<br />
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I know people have been wondering if we will be even trying for another baby or not. Allen was after all going to get fixed. I just cannot end it all on this note. Because we lost a baby we would put an end to it all- I just cannot do that. So, we are just letting it all roll, and settle down before we make that decision. If we are blessed with another life, we will be grateful and end it on that note, otherwise I don't know how long we will wait. I think just to the point that we are both at peace with the decision. <br />
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I absolutely HATE feeling so tired and grouchy, I can say that. That's what I feel like most of the time- tired and grouchy. I just don't have the patience or energy to let things roll off of me, and I don't have the energy to fight it at the same time. So, I'm just here grouchy and tired, but moving on for the better as much as I can. I've already stopped bleeding from my D&C from Tuesday, so that is at least done and over with. The kids and I are feeling a lot better- no more puking or diarrhea after it felt like we had a poop factory here- poop everywhere.<br />
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I finished Hayleigh's room finally after over a week of getting Hayleigh a new bedroom suite. Finally I have something done that we can all see that is done. Now, if I could only just get the rest of the rooms in the house done I would be happy. <br />
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Tonight, I've decided I'm skipping my Grey's and reading a new series I've had in my nightstand for almost a year. The Sylvia Day Crossfire series. Hopefully that will help since I haven't had the nerve to be able to move my What to Expect When You're Expecting book or change the headline pic on here or my profile info. Maybe that series will be just what I need to kick me just a little be more.<br />
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As you can see all I have managed to do is ramble on little bits and pieces of what's going on. It's still dark, but I think I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. I'm hoping that this might be all of the darkness and anger I have with babies, or my kids. I couldn't imagine losing one of them at all, and hope that I never do. At least we are stronger as a family because of this, and the kids give me the reason to get out of bed and try to make it a better day. They make me laugh, and growl- especially this morning when they snuck off to Hayleigh's room and got into hot pink lip gloss and fingernail polish. But, I know without those moments, my day would be completely empty without them here to fill it up. They are my little bucket fillers, making sure they fill my bucket up each and every day. ~check out the children's book Have You Filled a Bucket Today? It is our most favorite book for bedtime. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-75981371724492821862014-06-11T03:01:00.003-05:002014-06-11T03:01:29.976-05:00From Hell and BackI started this post last week- on Thursday, my second blood draw day....<br />
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You know after I finally had Hayleigh, followed shortly by Reid, I never thought I would ever feel the way I did when we were trying to get pregnant with Hayleigh. Rage. Anger. Helpless. Losing My Faith in God. Some of my darkest days were after our first failed IUI in August 2009. I was so angry with EVERYTHING, and I do mean everything. Allen and I fought more just because I was like a bomb- getting ready to go off at the slightest thing. I was very angry with God- pretty much lost all of my faith- I still haven't really gotten back to where I was before all of this started. This went on until November 14, 2009 at 1:30 am when I was completely in denial those two weeks before that the second round of IUI would even work. When I saw those two pink lines show up on that test, I was in shock. My fighting was over. Then when we first saw Hayleigh on our 5wk, 7wk, and 9wk ultrasounds, and got to hear her heartbeat, all of that pain and anger was pretty much gone. <br />
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When I found out I was pregnant again on April Fool's Day, without Allen home with me since he had just started his new job with Halliburton in ND, I was in udder shock. My faith came up even more, and God finally had a sense of humor and this was my reward for all of those years of nothing, and all of the heartache. I never worried about anything being wrong with Reid in the beginning. I just knew everything would be just fine. I did have to fight other demons with my family instead, since we were moving away. I lost a lot I had gained in my relationship with my mom the day Hayleigh and I told her Hayleigh was to be a big sister. We had a few scares with Reid along the way, including the moment he was born he was purple blue because the cord was wrapped so tightly around his neck. I still worry about how that affected him to this day. I know he is just fine, but I still worry for him. <br />
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Fast forward to almost 5 years later, on this past Tuesday, those feelings of anger, rage, helplessness, and being very angry with God resurfaced. Like I said, I didn't think I would feel that way or could feel that way again with having a failed pregnancy again. <br />
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I worried about this pregnancy and I found myself praying constantly for this baby to grow strong and healthy. I would rub my belly with my budding baby bump and talk to it, sure that that was our little girl. She would grow to be my mini me. Strong and sassy, not as girly as her big sister Hayleigh, but she would be the final piece and I could see the three of them all playing under a blanket fort giggling like Hayleigh and Reid do now. She would be my Charlie girl. Even if Hayleigh didn't want to do sports or hunt, my little Charlie girl would, and she would have such a great relationship with Hayleigh and Reid. They would all three love each other and look out for one another. That all changed Tuesday when I walked into that doctors office, just having a feeling that something was wrong. <br />
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On Tuesday, everything was going well. We checked on getting Allen some new tires for his truck since he really needed new ones. He checked on some new rims and got a great deal at over 50% off of a set that someone had ordered, then didn't like and didn't end up buying. We left the truck at the tire shop to go get some lunch and then go to my 10wk checkup we had waited a month for. From the time we got to that place everything felt off. The ultrasound tech came and got us, and from the very first word she said, I knew her attitude would make the whole appointment not very fun. We got back into the room, I started to get our camera ready to video so all Allen had to do was push record- the tech proceeded to jump my butt and tell me NO! Not until I make sure everything is okay. That hit me like a rock, and from that moment I knew something was going to be really wrong. She wanted to do above the abdomen to start with- I just knew we would not be able to see anything because I have never had one on my abdomen that early. I was right, and she told me we would do the internal. I knew we were heading in a downward spriral at this moment. She only took 5 minutes with the internal- shortest one I've ever had. She did not say a word the whole time, just kept sighing as Hayleigh and Reid entertained themselves by the curtain. We saw a glimpse of the baby, but she then ran off to get Dr. King, and told us she would have him come in. That was it. I knew it was very bad- Allen just looked at me you could see he was wanting to know what was going on since he was watching the kids mostly in the brief amount of time she was doing the ultrasound. I looked at him and told him this was not good at all. Of course Dr. King didn't have the decency to even come in, and back came the bad mannered ultrasound tech. She just told me that he was too busy, and he was putting in a blood test for HCG for that day and two days out, with a follow up ultra sound in a week. She didn't say anything else, didn't act anything but like we were taking up her time and like the plague needed out of her room. She then pointed out the lab to me, and escorted Allen and the kids out to the waiting room. I sat in that lab room for 10 minutes by myself before anyone ever did come in. This butterflies and gumdrops bouncy lady came in and sat down to rub my knee and ask if anyone had explained what was going on to me yet. Trying to hold it together, I told her no, but I was not stupid and after going through IUI with my first, I knew what going after HCG levels meant. I was all to well informed on how this all worked. She then left and told me Danielle would be in, in a minute to draw my blood. I sat for another 10 minutes there just thinking to myself, going through everything I knew about what was going on, trying to grasp it all. I just wanted to get out of there, hold my kids, and Allen. I kept mumbling to myself "come on" trying to get Danielle to hurry up. Danielle finally shows up- not a care in the world. Then doesn't know what color to use for the tube to collect my blood- has to go off and double check while inside I'm scream growling just to take the f'ing blood and let me out of there. She finally figures out what end her head and ass are on, and draws the blood, then tries to start to tell me what HCG means, and I just bluntly tell her I am well educated on it all, I just want to leave. So she then points me to the check out. I go up to the only booth to check out. There, checking out is a lady that cannot speak a lick of English, with the receptionist translating. I stand there for 5 minutes waiting and waiting while they laugh about the check out lady being skinny and what diets to try. The papers I had to fill out when I first got there are burning in my hand. I'm ready to beam fire at these people. I JUST WANT TO LEAVE. The translating receptionist finally notices me in the middle of their diet talk, and offers to check me out. I take the clip board to her and she asks when I want to schedule my next appointment. I just looked at her wanting to scream, cry and yank her head off. I pulled it together and told her our appointment did not go well, I am just getting blood work done, and we will see when we get some news on that. She just stared at me. I handed her my paper work, and asked if I needed to pay my copay or anything, and she told me I needed to finish filling out my patient history papers- apparently the one I thought was office work on 2 pages was not. I just looked at her and asked if I could wait to do those. I just wanted to get out of there. She looked at me, I told her if they could be filled out later if my pregnancy was still progressing I would do them at the next appointment. She just looked at me then panicked and told me that was fine. I grabbed Allen and the kids and pretty much ran out that door. we made it to the excursion with Reid tripping the whole way over everything and anything he could. I got him strapped into his car seat, and jumped into the passenger seat and just looked at Allen, trying not to bawl right then. He grabbed me, giving me a hug and I lost it- not completely, but I bawled. We sat there for 5 minutes while I just kept thinking that today was going good, this was not how it was supposed to go at all. We talked for a few minutes, then I calmed down and we went to go check on his truck- Allen concerned if I was able to drive home or not. I drove home and just sat numb. <br />
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How was I back to this dark place, and now with both of our kids concerned because Mommy was sad. I laid on our bed, just letting it flow out of me. All I could think was we just lost Charlie. She was gone. Everything I thought or had pictured of that little girl was all gone. For the better part of the evening that is the main thought that swirled in my head. Of course I wanted to go back in time, but I knew that would do no good, because we would just lead up to here again. I had so many people expressing their thoughts and prayers were with us. While I appreciated all of it so much, I was so hurt that God had not listened to me or them at all. People say God has a plan. In my mind in those dark moments it is when praying for the baby to me was just wasted air. God had a plan all along. For that baby not to live. So why do I bother to pray for a baby that already had a plan the whole time? <br />
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Wednesday, I was just kind of numb. I tried my best to put on a good face for Allen and the kids. I called the OB back and got my numbers from the day before after they acted like I was stupid for asking and didn't know what they would mean. The number was low, but in range. I became slightly hopeful that the tech didn't have a clue what she was doing, and missed something. I prayed for those numbers to go up. I had hope, but somehow I knew deep down that I was not going to get my prayers answered. <br />
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Thursday, I went in and got my blood drawn again. The lab managed to give me a bruise that is still horrible looking today (Wednesday morning). Long story short with Thursday, my OB blew me off, and proceeded to tell me that they would be out on Friday, and if I wanted, I could call back and see if the doctor on call would go over my numbers and call me. I went up to the hospital to medical records and got my results Friday morning, and my HCG number went down by 4,000. I knew then that this was over. I began checking with a different OB to see if I could get the ball rolling on getting something done. I spoke with my mom, and she didn't have any words of comfort, just told me that she was canceling her 3 day vacation out here for Hayleigh's birthday since I didn't know if I would be up for traveling back with her and the kids. I then felt as if the whole world was deciding that I was a lost cause, and to jump ship. <br />
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Saturday, we spent the day driving around. It felt soo good just to get out. We cooked supper and went to bed. Sunday, I woke up feeling awful- throwing up all morning thinking I had severe morning sickness kicking me back on the way back down. Allen ending up leaving to go back to work, it stormed, and our power went out for 2 hours, while I was in the bathroom getting sick for the last time that day. The power came back on, I felt better and actually ate something and kept it down. Took a bath with Hayleigh, and told her she could sleep in our bed since I didn't want to be alone. 2am, she started getting sick, and I realized we had a flu bug. I tended to Hayleigh all Monday morning and afternoon, and tried to get a doctor to do something. Of course the first office never returned my calls, the second one I called back to try to make an appointment. The receptionist told me 3 weeks. I screamed at her I was already 11 wks and I did not want to carry a dead baby for 3 more weeks. By 5 pm after not knowing what to do, the second OB called me back. After being confused and thinking the nurse was from the first OB, we got everything straightened out, and nurse Kerri got me scheduled for a D&C for Tuesday- the next day at 1pm. I scrambled around and made arrangements for the kids and for me. I was nervous, but finally felt a sense of relief. <br />
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Tuesday, I woke up happy for once. I got stuff ready around the house, and was ready for my appointment. My mom sent me a text asking what time my appointment was and who was taking the kids. She didn't ask if I had someone to take care of me or anything. My dad called, and couldn't have made me feel any better than he did. He told me he was sorry that this baby didn't make it, and that I was right that we did have 2 healthy kids even though it didn't make anything better. He made sure I had someone to take care of me, then bragged on how much of a sweetie Hayleigh was and how well mannered both of the kids were. He told me I was a great mom, and I was strong and could make it through this, and to call him after we got home. I got ready, even managed to shave my legs, and tried to eat a banana. I made it to the new OB, and I felt so a peace. Everyone was extremely helpful and personable. I was just happy and felt like a pile of bricks was off of me. I could finally move on now. We did another ultrasound and this time my new doctor did it. She told me measurements, and basically found the baby and sac quit developing at a little over 6 wks. She was very sympathetic, and I was okay. She gave me two options, one of them being the D&C and the other to go back home since there wasn't a lot of tissue. I opted for the D&C just to be done with everything. Kerri my nurse and Dr. Simms got me ready, and started the procedure. It wasn't near as bad as I was expecting it to be. We joked and talked about wine, and what all I would be drinking that night. I immediately felt better once they were done and the cramps subsided once the procedure was done. I laid there in total peace relaxing while they let me rest. I had closure now. Everything had been laid to rest like a funeral. <br />
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I finished up, and still felt great. I made it back to the kids, and my friend took us home. The kids did great the whole almost 3 hours I was away. It was still great to walk through that door, and both of them light up yelling Mommy to me, and Hayleigh telling me she missed me. We made it home and took it easy the rest of the evening, which leads us to right now. Almost 2 am, and I can't sleep. I've caught up on 3 episodes of Grey's and I just finally felt the need to finish this post. <br />
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I know I left out a few things, but I just wanted this done. I wanted to share this so that if anyone else goes through this, they know they are not alone, which I found this past week. I'm grateful for everyone who stuck by me even when it was hard, and I was in a bad place. I'm happy now, and looking forward to the future, and just glad many stuck by my side. I did end up unfriending quite a few over this, but it was mainly if they could be there in the good times for me, but couldn't even show me they were there, they were gone. I just don't have time for it anymore. <br />
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Anyway, now I feel so much better and relieved and at peace. We are planning for future things to do, and it's great I can put my mind to those things instead of remaining stuck on what happened last week. All I have left is an appointment to go back in two weeks for a follow up and I'm cleared and FREE. <br />
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You never fully know just how strong you are until you have to be that strong. Over the past 5 years, just when I think I cannot handle anymore, something comes in and makes me even more stronger. At least I'm learning from it all and gaining perspective on things better than I did 5 years ago. This is not the end, it is making way for something even better even though this was really bad. So, if I'm meant to have another baby, all I can think is this will make me just even much more better of a mom, to be more appreciative in the small things, and remind me that life is fragile and it can go at any time. So, for now, I am thankful for all the things and people I have in my life, and grateful for the 2 healthy kids I can hug and kiss every day. Because without them or Allen, I know I would be a complete mess. <br />
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-63470203057420901032014-05-29T00:31:00.002-05:002014-05-29T00:39:20.923-05:00First day out in a week results in AC crapping outWe had a fabulous day today- first day we have gotten out of the house in a week. But, of course the only day we get out our AC decides to stop working. sigh.... Anyway, I should be cleaning the house right now, and setting my alarm to call my landlord at 7 am, but I'm trolling facebook, and craigslist. Basically I'm coming up with every excuse not to get off of my couch right now. It is at least not bad in the house right now, but we are headed for another 90 degree day tomorrow, and my landlord will probably not be able to do anything about the AC until tomorrow evening after he gets off of work. After this and having problems with our furnace over the winter wanting to be finicky, I've about had it. Our house is only 10 years old. Our lease is up first of July, and with baby #3 on the way, I'm searching for another option to not be completely cramped in our 1200 sqft house. I've found one option I'm also calling about tomorrow. A much bigger home with a much bigger garage for not much more than what we are already paying with 4 bedrooms. I don't know what will happen, but go figure the one day we leave the house, the AC decides to stop working. <br />
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I really do not want to have to move at all. Packing everything up and unpacking it all. BUT we really need more space, and it would be nice to have a yard that does not need a complete weed overhaul over every other week. (it needs more gravel and new weed barrier) I really do not hate our house- it has grown on me, I do hate these little hiccups. The ac is now out, the furnace had fits all winter, the hot water heater went out and dumped 40 gallons of water into the kitchen, the garbage disposal does not work half the time, and the sprinkler system is a joke, the only ceiling fan in the living room sounds like a propelled plane, there is a weird noise in our 2nd bath all the time like a ball bouncing in the plumbing or vent, don't even get me started on their choice for or not for edging in this yard- terre cotta edging in the front that doesn't even match up and then the divider of our yard and the neighbors to nonexistent in the backyard, not to mention the screen door for the slider is in horrible shape and I haven't got to use it from day one, ohh and I almost forgot that stupid barking dog of the neighbors behind us along with all of the weird neighbors but the ones to our right. Okay, so I listed quite a few.. It's not a bad house, it's just not a great house I guess. <br />
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We had a lot of fun at the pool today, and Reid did not want to leave after protesting and crying for the first 2 hours. He cried, he wailed, he hung onto me like he was about to go over a cliff. The water was really warm- it was indoors and had a toddler area that they all ended up loving. I imagine given the circumstances, tomorrow we will be going back to escape the heat, and will be finding somewhere for Missy to go to stay cool as well. <br />
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Just a tiny tidbit of our day today. Now I must clean up this house before bed since my landlord will be here tomorrow, and I would rather the house be in tip top shape. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-53527794089123394112014-05-22T01:37:00.001-05:002014-05-22T01:37:39.140-05:00Tidbits on Current Happenings After I got off of my soap box, I figured I should maybe say something about what all has been going on lately. Schools just finished up here today, and the pools have now opened. We are planning our first pool outing for Friday- going to Fruita where they have both an indoor and an outdoor pool. <br />
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We are currently a little past half way on our time away from Allen. It has been really hard, and has dragged on and on. 4 weeks is really tough to hack. The kids have been extra rowdy, resulting in lots of late night Grey's Anatomy on Netflix time for me. I've contemplated re-reading my 50 Shades of Grey, but that won't help me missing Allen anymore. <br />
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They say every pregnancy is different. I think this one most reminds me of my first with Hayleigh. My nose gets really stuffed up at night- I finally learned to take 2 Benadryl every night before I go to sleep, otherwise I wake up gaging and trying to get my nose and throat cleared up like I did with Hayleigh and I then find myself sick, so if I take the Benadryl, I skip that part of my morning. I worry a lot more with this pregnancy- not just because I'm closer to 35 now, but I've had 2 successful full term pregnancies with 2 healthy babies. I know my odds are dwindling down on this. It could very well happen that something bad happen. I worry about stillbirth, miscarriage before 23 weeks, or something going wrong during delivery. I try not to worry, but I'm a natural worry worm, so I think of the worst possible scenario all the time. Last week I about fell over when I found blood on my underwear before flying into the bathroom to discover I had bumped a scab from shaving the night before. I liked to have had a heart attack. I worry about this baby because I already love this baby so much. I feel like this baby is a girl, and I already know her, what her name is, and what she will be like. I don't think I'll be satisfied until I get far enough along I can use a fetal Doppler at home- I will be purchasing one soon for not only the kids but for me to use and aid my need for the feeling of some sort of control. <br />
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My moods have leveled out somewhat. I feel sometimes like I'm back to where I was before Hayleigh- ready to spit fire some days. I find myself yelling more than I like, but I think that just comes with being so tired for the time being. <br />
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I have already welcomed out my maternity clothes, and have been happily lounging in them every day. I really do not know why some do not want to even wear them, but I LOVE them, and would love to make a tummy slimming pant styled like the maternity pants are. Having a baby bump is so beautiful to me anyway, just something about looking round and full of life I guess. <br />
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Even though this is my third pregnancy, I've been reading all I can yet again on successful breastfeeding. I've only lasted 3 months with each Hayleigh and Reid. My goal is at least 6 months this time. I have many questions for my OB for when she returns from her maternity leave on getting a prescription for lactation. <br />
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We did get a new kitten this past week. Her name is Figaro, and she is a orange tiger stripped long hair kitty. Hayleigh is over the moon for her, and she has earned me some good brownie points as well. I won't lie, she is getting annoying. She has never been outside, until now, and that is where she will be living. So, for now, she plays some through the day in the house, gets put outside whenever it is day time and she's not inside- which is about 6 hours through the day time, and then she gets put in a crate for bedtime. She is getting better at being outside, and it helps with the kids being outside playing as well. <br />
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I had a dermatologist appointment today. I'm not a big fan of going since I takes 4 months to schedule out in advance and my derm has a big ocd germ problem. They all have some weird quark about them all I've found. I don't think she is comfortable around kids after watching her with my kids who were well behaved today. She was counting them, and telling me I will have a posy of kids when this one is born. At least I don't have another appointment until after I'm done breastfeeding this baby after it is born- so hopefully not for a full year!<br />
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4262449622891490445.post-81985505498787421432014-05-22T00:16:00.002-05:002014-05-22T00:16:52.516-05:00Pregnancy BEFORE Marriage PLANNED... not a taboo thing of todayI've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and talking with a few of my friends about babies of course. The subject that always comes up is teen pregnancies, and now how much they are planned now. Maybe I'm a little old fashioned but I'm not at all warming up to the idea of a planned pregnancy in high school, or just right after before you are even married. I do realize that some do happen- play with fire, you get burnt. It happens. BUT, I've been watching 16 and Pregnant and of course, nobody is ever on any birth control, or they don't think it will happen to them, blah blah blahhhh. Sigh. <br />
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Back when I was in high school it was a very very bad deal. If you were pregnant, you was labeled a whore. It was just the way it was. No one was worried about how you would handle it, or how good of a mom you would be, you was just labeled with a big fat red scarlet letter W for whore. There was no glow, they all tried to hide it as long as they could. They didn't celebrate in the hallway with feeling the baby kick, or pass out invitations to baby showers. They did have a program that I thought was total crap where if you became pregnant your junior year, you could graduate at the end of that year. Now I don't know exactly what was involved, but to me back then it was just a thing- don't want to go to school, get knocked up... I know that is really harsh. Still pregnancy before getting married back 10 years ago was not a good thing- often really looked down upon- especially in my family even though it had happened. I cannot tell you just how much of a relief it was on our wedding night, thinking "Thank God !! We made it, now it does not matter if we do or don't." Now a days, people don't have to get married at all- it's not considered a bad thing. Having a baby whenever isn't a bad thing- whether you are 16 or 23... I just really do not understand it at all. I do know one thing is for sure and I do not want my kids thinking that these current ways are okay at all. If you cannot legally commit to someone besides telling someone you will spend your whole life with them, you do not need to have kids together. Spending your lives together and planning on not getting married is one thing. Having a baby.... well you are stuck with that other person for life. Doesn't it just make sense that those two things go together? What keeps the other person from just getting a wild hair one day and leaving you besides their word? Marriage is not just a legal piece of paper, and it is very sad that not many people view it that way anymore. To me, the day you are married, is the day your family starts. It grows with children and pets, but it is a family. You have declared that you are a union that will work together and be there for each other in good and bad times. <br />
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I know what many are thinking now, well then many people get married thinking well if it doesn't work, oh well, I can get a divorce. I don't mean to be standing up and lecturing right now, but no. If you cannot say with great confidence that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you love them, and no matter what happens, you will stick together. Divorce is the last thing you want in your life, maybe you should not get married. Marriage is something that has been taken from something being sacred to something that you order in a drive thru, #3 sounds great to me, how about you? The first big fight a couple has, divorce is threatened and thrown out there like a curse word. They make plans for when things do go sour- to have an escape plan. It's all very sad. <br />
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The point of this all is that it has been making me sick to see that I am so "old fashioned" in just 10 years since we were married. I do not want my kids growing up where teen pregnancies are a planned and celebrated thing, and getting married to someone is just something extra you do. If babies are not regarded as something special, you wait until you are older for, they turn into pets- like a puppy or kitty. If you get sick of them, send them to Grandma's to raise so you can go party since you had to give up so much, when all you had to do was to WAIT. I am personally thankful that babies did not come soon for us. I know at 26 when I did get pregnant with Hayleigh, I was a lot more grown up than I was at 20 when we were married, even though I felt grown up at the time we were married. There is much to learn in life, and some things are worth waiting for- you don't have to rush through milestones in life so quickly. <br />
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I want to make it clear that I'm not looking down at people, because this has all become the new "norm". It just makes me incredibly sad to see that so many morals and values have been thrown out in the past 10-12 years so easily. Makes me scared to see what our future holds as a every day norm. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09701021188702945141noreply@blogger.com0