About Me

My photo
Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Copy Cat...

I was wondering when this would start in again, I'm pregnant, been pregnant for 4 months next week, and it's about time for someone else to pop up pregnant again... sigh... why can't she just let me have ONE pregnancy to myself. ATTENTION, that's why. No one else can take the light away from her and her drama. I'm just waiting, but I've caught on to what is going on today, and once again, I will say it. Babies are not accessories, or like having dogs. They are a life long commitment. Babies complicate relationships and marriages, so if you are not in a good place with your relationship with a boyfriend, or husband, or ex husband, you have no business trying to make a baby. I wonder if the new cow doesn't want any kids, or can't have any, so that's why she is running back home? Kind of funny that right after I got pregnant, she had some problems, and my guess is did not tell anyone she had her IUD removed. I just wish that Barbie could back the you know what up and away. I hope that mother nature has different plans for her this time around, and it doesn't come so easy this time.... I know many other  people will agree with me on this one. So, Miss Copy Cat... go do something on your own that no one else is doing, because I won't keep quiet about it this time around if the stork does drop by your place, just because you had to get pregnant once again after hearing I did. That is definitely one person I would wish a little bit of infertility on. If she wants to copy me, let her see just how hard it is going through all of the shots, pills, poking, ultrasounds, waiting, and stress, and let downs that come along with it. It would do this world some good if everyone could get a taste of what that is like to a degree. Makes you more grateful for what you have, and enjoy what you have a lot more, than not going through that.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Reflecting on the past year

So, today after I got my internet, cable and phone provider switched..yes, I know I haven't even had the other a week, I jumped onto iTunes, since my last internet provider was very very slow. On there, I was listening to Brooks and Dunn, and the one song that gets me every time. Cost of Living. That song came out right after Allen was laid off from his job, and makes me cry every time I hear it. I downloaded it- I really love the song, it hits the nail on the head for how we felt just before Allen got his job, and we moved. There is nothing happy about not having a job, especially when you know your husband bent over backwards and risked his life just to do the job. Going on 3 hours sleep a night, and running illegal logs, just to do the job of hauling livestock, being on time, and ready for the job every day stressed both Allen and I out to no end. He was tired, and I worried the whole time he was driving- that something would/could happen to him, then what would I do without him? I still worry no matter what he is doing about something happening to him, and leaving us without him in our lives. Scares me to no end. I don't know how I could do it all without him- he is the only person that gets me. We've been together since we were 16 years old, and I couldn't imagine life with anyone else. What really scares me is it is always the people that are happy together that end up getting robbed of years together, than the ones who are miserable. We are really happy, and I just hope and pray that we can have many good years to come together. Even though Allen is not always with me here at home all of the time, just talking to him on the phone is all it takes for me to feel better.

Anyway, while listening to the song, I was thinking back of what all has happened in the last year, and wow. A LOT. We celebrated Hayleigh's first birthday, Allen shot the best he ever has competing in NCAA shooting competitions, Hayleigh has grown soo much, crawling, to walking and talking, we've lost friends, and made new, and discovered in our bad times just who was there to help us make it through. We've had lots of downs, but lots of ups... Christmas was sad, with Allen not working, but we still managed to have a nice Christmas together, We celebrated our 8 year anniversary of being married, and 12th year of being together- still cannot believe it will be 13 years this September. We've removed some people from our lives for the better, and let others in. We both celebrated our 29th birthdays this past spring- I'm holding from here on, and watched Allen leave us for 2 months to go to a job 19 hours away. We just packed up everything we could of our lives, and moved out of state- 14 hours away from the only home we've ever known- born and raised in the same place, and had to say goodbye to our family and friends, to try to make a new start, while Allen works 14 hours away from us. A lot of hard things we have done this year.. And, least I not forget, we found out we were expecting again- complete shock. I still cannot believe it happened, after all we went through to get Hayleigh, this one has been soo easy, and will complete our family of soon to be four. It is scary to think back 3 years ago, when we were struggling just to start a family that not too much longer we would be going on to a family of 4! Blows my mind.

I like reminiscing back- helps me see where I'm going, if I can understand where I've been. I think back to things I wish I would have known, and think how naive I was then, but it is all for the best. Without all of the experiences, I would not be who I am today. We make wrong assumptions of people, and our first impressions are not always correct. But, our gut feelings are from what I've found- are right on the money every time. I just need to learn to listen to it more, and not be such a nice welcoming person sometimes. Save me a lot of headache and heartache in the long run. I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them love you, and for that matter if they do love you, they may love you just as much as you love them, but they may not show it as much as you think they should. I think that has been the big lesson in my life- mainly after my parents divorced, I struggled with that for quite a while. Also, no matter how good of a person you are to other people, people take advantage, and take you for granted. Probably why I don't have a lot of close friends- I have high expectations. If I'm willing to do anything for you, you should do the same for me without a question.

Being a wife.. I've had 9 years of practice on this now, I think I've got the hang of it. Always take the time to make time for each other, don't fight unfairly, don't yell at each other, say I love you too much, take the time to fall in love with each other over and over again, appreciate each other, don't criticize your spouse, don't put them down, be united in parenting, and in marriage- it's not his money or my money, it's our money together, because we are a family. I don't necessarily believe in divorce. I know it is there, but it is not a fix all to all problems, and I do not threaten it at a whim. Divorce to me when I was a kid was worse than having two parents fighting- complicates things from there on out, and always is hurtful no matter how long it's been since the divorce was finalized. It's not that I don't believe in it, but it is not an option for us. We both said until death do us part, and I know we both meant it. We can make it through anything if we both try. We cannot give up on each other. I know I'm not the same person that I was when we were 16, or even 20- when we were married, but, I've learned to grow up with my husband, and he is still my best friend.
Because in the end, the best gift we can give ourselves and our kids, is to love each other, and have a good solid marriage for our kids to learn from- something I wish my parents could have given me and my sister.

On being a mother...umm you learn as you go. Some things come naturally, but some you just have to learn the hard way. Not everyone will think that you are doing everything right, but there is no real right way to do things with kids. Just as long as they are healthy, happy, and have everything they need to thrive in live, you are doing the right thing. It doesn't matter if their outfit matches everyday, or some days, you all stay in pajamas, and lay around the house. I've been criticized over and over for some of the things and ways I parent, because I'm not doing it someone else's way, but it is my lesson to learn. Like I said, there is no "right" way, or manual for kids.. everyone has a right way to do things, they just might be not even close to the same as everyone else.

Anyway, I think I am happy with where we are in our lives, just scares me on how fast it is all going now. I know we will have more highs and lows to come, but together we can make it through it all.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Tuesday Tidbits

This past weekend, Hayleigh and I tagged along with Mandy and her girls to the circus that was here in Grand Junction. We had a great time. My favorite thing we got to do is get Hayleigh her very first pony ride. I'm pretty sure I talked about this in my last post. We had a good time though, and Hayleigh loved the pony and the tigers. She kept saying "Meow" to them, and "kitty, kitty, kitty" in her shreal little voice when she thinks she's trying to coax something to her.

There has been soo much going on back home from our move, stuff is missing, no one is coming forward, and I am done with it all. I know people are mad and want to keep dragging it on, I've even had to block people on my cell phone. No one gets that we are done talking about it. I don't need the stress anymore. There are more important things going on right now, and I am sure that the stuff is gone for good.

In other news, we started potty training today........ sigh.... I think I would rather go through labor without drugs again, then to potty train a kid. I know this will take some time, but, potty training dogs seems to be sooo much easier.

Hayleigh loves bread now. I don't know where that came from just out of the blue, but at least she is getting her fiber!

The weather here has been fabulous! I love the tempatures, but the dryness not soo much. Hayleigh coughs a little in her sleep, I've set up a humidifier to hopefully help solve this tonight.

I've been feeling the baby move for a few weeks off and on now, and I've been getting excited about everyone else being able to feel the baby move too, mainly Hayleigh. The past few nights, I've even waken up a little bit feeling the baby doing flips or dancing in there, kind of weird. Our first baby appointment is a week from tomorrow. Which I will be 15 wks tomorrow by the way. :)

I cannot wait for my package from amazon to get here today. I've got the only child lock for our back patio door coming, since all the others will not work. Hayleigh's days of sneaking out are almost over now! hehehe!~

We did manage to lock ourselves out of the house a couple of days ago. I had not put a key outside until after this had happened- it was the first thing I did after getting back into the house. Luckily we run a swamp cooler here, and you have to have windows cracked, so it will work. The window next to the patio door just happened to be the one I cracked, and I managed to take the screen out, and slide Hayleigh through the window. I told her to open the door for Mommy, and she acted like she did not want to- surprise, since she wants to open it all of the time. Well, I finally got her to open the door, and we unlocked the door, and hide the key immediately. ( Our door when locked, the inside handle still moves like it is not locked) After just typing this, the UPS man showed up with my lock! It works well so far, and is now keeping Hayleigh in the house.

Other than trying to settle in, I've been on hydro drive getting everything ordered for Hayleigh's birthday party. Scary to think next year, I will have 2 birthday parties to plan, and I'm not even thinking of my or Allen's 30th birthday's- I'm holding 29 from here on out anyway... I've got Hayleigh's birthday banner ordered, balloons, her birthday dress, and the invitations are being processed, if the lady would hurry up... I also went ahead and ordered wrapper covers for Hershey bars- we are doing a Minnie Mouse theme for Hayleigh's 2nd birthday, and I've left complete control to my sister to come up with Hayleigh's cake, and cupcakes this year. I'm hoping everything turns out great, we have a good time, and it is not miserably hot this year. I haven't even begun to think of what to get Hayleigh for her birthday present yet...I have absolutely no clue what to even get her! I couldn't hardly remember what we even got her last year- but it was her little pink car with the wagon. Just now remembered. Pregnancy brain on that one.

Anyway, cable comes tomorrow- THANK GOD!!!!! I am soo sick of Mickey Mouse- Thank you to my aunt, uncle, and cousin Ruth for bringing some new Dora the Explorer movies for Hayleigh! We've been watching those, and I cannot wait to watch adult programming, like Discovery Health, and HGTV, or anything else!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Being Brave...Well, Trying....

Okay, it's been a few days since I've been on here. I have been been staying away on purpose. Every time I think about blogging, I'm not in a good place. I miss home.... I know that this is something I HAVE to try to make work, not for just me, but for Hayleigh, the baby, and Allen. It has been really hard only knowing 1 person here. Sometimes, I think that making new friends is next to impossible in an area this size, without having work or something to kind of spur it along. Hopefully all of these future trips to the library, and gymnastics, and pool lessons will help that. I call home to at least one person daily. That makes everything soo much harder for me. Hayleigh does not want to talk on the phone, and everyone on the other end wants her to just chat up a storm to them about how much she misses and loves them. You have no idea how many times a day I wish I could just swap her places for a day. Just one day to not worry about everything. I had no idea just how hard this weekend would be. I am so grateful I have family coming tomorrow to visit, to at least help me take my mind off of it all.

We went to the circus today, and I just sat there with Hayleigh, wishing Allen could have been there for her first pony ride. She LOVED it! The rest of the time, we watched the circus, and people were bringing stuff around trying to sell it all. Hayleigh saw one of the balloon dolphins, and it like to have broke my heart to tell her no. I kept thinking if Grandma Sue, or any of the other grandparents were there, Hayleigh would have one. But, we were with other little kids, and I don't think it is fair to buy one and sit there with your kid with the toy, and nothing for them... Those cheap toys they were packing around were $20, and I thought that was ridiculous, and she would forget about them within 5 minutes. Things like that, that make me think of someone else at home, what they would be doing if they were with us makes it incredibly hard.

 I can honestly say that I had no idea what we were getting into, and no idea just how hard this would be. I thought that we could do it- Allen used to be gone for a week at a time, and be home on the weekend, so we could make it two weeks, and see him for a week. I didn't realize at the time the thing that made it easy at home was our family and friends that kept me occupied. Here, I have Hayleigh, the dogs, and the one person I know with her girls- Mandy. Mandy has her family and friends around, so I can't just glue myself to her- that is not fair or right. I have to stand up on my own two feet and do this. I'm scared most of the time. Not of being here- the house is very nice and so is the area, but, I do not know anything about this place except where Walmart, Target, places to eat, and Mandy's house are. I try to stay upbeat about all of this most of the time, for Allen and Hayleigh, but sometimes, I don't know if I can do it or not. I feel bad calling home to my friends, I try to keep a good face on for them, but, they don't know just how many times I wish they were here at night, or just any time. When I talk on the phone with them, I kind of don't want to hang up.. I just wish people would leave me on the phone and let me listen to everything back home. I know everyone misses us soo much. I talked to my mom tonight- I hate calling her. I think this has been just as hard on her, as it has been on me. I know she misses me to a degree, but she is still mad at me for taking Hayleigh so far away from her. I want to tell her soo  much that at least she has her friends there, and everything else to help her out. Me... well I just have Hayleigh.... THAT"S IT. Everyone and everything I know are there with her, not here with me. Sure, everything in the house here is from home, but, I don't have anyone here from home.

Before we moved, I had a few people tell me I should just make Allen fly home, and stay there. Just how fair would that be to Allen? I'm pretty sure he would feel worse than I do now.

I'm trying to make this work for all I'm worth. I know that this will take time, and before I know it, we will have a routine, and people that know us. What I'm scared to death of is failing. None of that happening. Me being miserable here with two kids, no friends or family. I've been completely taken out of everything I know... I've never been a stay at home mom, or wife, I've always worked- and to be pregnant on top of that  is just the cherry on top. I worry about having the baby here, being by myself, if I will be a good mom to two kids, and give them everything they need, without having anyone to rely on that is here with me. I worry about Allen coming home to me being miserable, and hate coming home to us. I worry about being too clingy... which I know I am on the phone to an extent. I worry about not getting Hayleigh enrolled into preschool in time, and I worry about where we will be in a year.

I know that finding a church will help. In fact I just thought of that, and googled it just now... I laughed to what I found popped up... St. Joseph... There is also one here in Fruita as well- Sacred Heart. It would probably be the better choice only because Fruita is a LOT smaller than Grand Junction- so not soo many people would be there. So, I guess next Saturday night, we will be checking out the smaller church, in hopes of making some new friends and possibly meeting some people with small kids that live close to us. I guess that is what I have to hope for now. I'm not a very religious person, but, I'm up for anything that could help. Thanks Kathy and Tonya, for popping up in my head just a few minutes ago- I really needed that! So, now, I have something to focus on since it is already past mass time tonight, and tomorrow, we have family coming, next weekend we have something to look forward to- not sitting at home. I can tell you one thing. Our church, Holy Cross in Wendelin is a beautiful church, and I have been spoiled with it. The other churches I see, kind of depress me compared to Wendelin- it lifts your heart up when you walk in.

I cannot tell you just how much better I feel now- getting that all off of my chest. What a load that is now off of my chest. I know going to activities with Hayleigh will help with us making friends, but, I can't just stalk people around- most of the time everyone is ready to leave, and since Hayleigh can't really talk to make her friends, so I have to talk to other mommies, that just makes it harder for now. I know everything will get better, and we have to do this for our own good. So, don't worry about me for now- I have somethings to look forward to this week...Family tomorrow, gymnastics Monday, library Tuesday morning, CABLE Wednesday, and new church on Saturday, Sunday or Monday, Allen will be home, and the following Wednesday, we go to our first baby doctor appt.

I'm just thankful I hear voices - just like the country song, performed by Chris Young... when I absolutely do not know what to do, and just about give up, I hear what I know people would be telling me to try. So no one thinks I'm nuts, here is the song, just for reference, and I promise to have a happy blog next!

Ohh, here is the link to the church we will be going to next Saturday...

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Still Here... Random thoughts of a pregnant insomniac lady

So, as you all know we did manage to get moved, and for the most part, today I can say we are settling in just fine. I have 1 girl friend here, to which my pregnancy brain has kept her name from me to say the least. How sad is that? So, Swisher's wife, if you just happen to read this, I AM SORRY!! The only friend I have besides Hayleigh and the dogs, I cannot remember her name??? sigh.... Anyway, this is going to be a bunch of rambling randomness, so if you don't follow completely, I understand.

Things I like about living here in Fruita:
the house:
-1 level :))))))) no more stairs!!!!
-garbage disposal- don't know how I managed to survive without one
-again, 1 level- back yard is right there, no deck to worry about Hayleigh falling down, we go right out and play
-the yard only takes 5 minutes to mow!~ seriously I LOVE mowing, but being pregnant, and having a toddler, having 1 acre to take care of is out of the question for quite a while now. SO, I love our little grassy backyard, and the rocked in area with the small fish pond with waterfall, grapes, and ohh soo delicious strawberries we sampled last night
-hardwood floors. Makes me really see what hides in carpet, and makes me cringe. The whole house is hardwood floor, except the 3 bedrooms, and bathrooms. Bedrooms are a nice plush carpet, and the bathrooms are a really nice laminate floor- not cold like tile
- the washer and dryer are right in the middle of the house- all on 1 level again...
-we live in a cul de sac in a subdivision just outside of Fruita, 15 minutes to anything I could possibly want to eat, or shop at- very convenient for me! I never knew what I was missing in a small town
- humungous hospital! Makes me feel better being soo far away from home
- Cabelas... need I say more?
- sitcom neighbors... really if you have ever seen bad teacher- the wife is the goody teacher, and her husband is the short bald guy from the princes's bride.. together they look and act like sitcom couple- too funny. They are also incredibily nice- the husband helped Allen unload 3/4 of the moving truck the morning after we got here, and ironically he works for USPS, and I did not breath a word about where I used to work at before moving.. kind of like water and vinegar....
- everywhere you look, there are mountains EVERYWHERE. I shut my eyes, and open them thinking I will be looking at Southern Illinois scenery... talk about culture or scenery shock.
-I may have only 1 friend here, 2, if you count the husband that Allen is buddies with and works with here. Kind of nice to be able to find another couple we all can enjoy each other's company.

Okay, enough with the Pros... the cons- there are only 2 of them..
- 1200 miles from "home", family, and friends
- everyone thinks I come from Alabama from my accent
- I HATE our dishwasher.... I know I said only 2, but there are 3..

Okay, now for random ramblings...
Hayleigh has been talking in sentences now to me. She tells me, "Mommy, I am done now", and random stuff like that.. weird. Her newest word is cereal, and she is my mini me, following me all over the house, trying to "help" me unpack. She gives her baby brother or sister to be kisses and hugs everyday- almost makes me cry every time, and refuses to talk on the phone anymore. She come out of her play room, or the new baby to be's room, pushing her shopping cart, and baby doll in the seat on the top of it, going through the kitchen, saying "buy" and toting around her purse, with my used up gift cards- easier than giving her money. She is ultra sneaky... she sneaked out of the back door today 3 times on me. The door knobs are lever style, and do not lock in place on the inside- just on the outside. She found her rubber boots earlier, and put them on all by herself, and every time I caught her out there, she was in those boots.... tomorrow we are going to Walmart to get the childproofing kits for 2 of these doors- the one to the back yard that is completely fenced in, and the other to the garage.

We just got internet and our home phone set up today, and I feel like a teenager must feel after being grounded for a week.. I think I've talked on the phone for 3 hours today, and have been on the internet ever since I successfully hooked it all up all by myself- YAY me! I missed it sooo much! I called to set up our dish, but their system was down, so I will have to call back tomorrow...

Allen, Hayleigh, and I took a trip driving around on this last Saturday, and just happened to stumble upon the road to where we wanted to get to- Colorado National Monument Park. We ended up getting a year pass to go back, and plan to visit it much more. Beautiful! I love the weather here- it is not humid at all!!! Except my hair is not a fan... It is now flat, and thick... I have to wash it every other day, instead of every 3 days now. I know some of you might think that is gross, but I would have an affro back home if I washed it every day.

Fact of the day: I am now 14 weeks along with this baby, and tomorrow I will be scheduling an appointment for when Allen is home with a midwife I got a referral from- from guess who? Ohh, that reminds me- Back when I was 2 years old, I had a friend, whose name was hard for me to pronounce, Veronica.... My grandma was taking me home, and we went past Veronica's house. Grandma asked if that was where my friend lived, and I said yes, and she asked what her name was... I sat there for a minute trying to spit it out, then finally frustrated, told my grandma, She ain't got no name... lol Just remembered that one! So, Mrs. Swisher ain't got not name, just Mrs. Swisher, or Swisher's wife.... ohh my!

We, well, Hayleigh, and I are going to the circus that is in town on Saturday morning this weekend with Mrs. Swisher, and her family- 3 girls! So, there will be 6 of us girls, plus the other people going with us that are meeting us there that are Mrs. Swisher's friends. Monday, I am planning on tagging along with Mrs. Swisher and her girls to their gymnastics with Hayleigh to see if Hayleigh is the least bit interested, and hopefully be enrolling her soon- mainly to make her happy, and to burn energy! Tuesday, we are tagging along once again to the library for pajama day reading, then who knows after that? I need to make more friends.... I feel sorry for Mrs. Swisher! I know Mrs. Swisher, there I go again, goes to Gold's Gym, so maybe I'll have to join that too- they offer babysitting, and have a spa... hmmmm not bad! Oh, and she (Mrs. Swisher) has also set me up with a private babysitter,and house cleaner if I want...To everyone at home, I MISS you!

Besides drama going on with our old neighbors, I think that is pretty much all that this boring stay at home momma has for now....

Monday, May 7, 2012

What We've Been Up To....

Hayleigh and My Sister before the Wedding

Hayleigh and her Godfather, Garrett in the pool at the party

Mom and Garrett trying to coax Hayleigh into the pool- she would not take her dress off for anyone, but me

My Sister, My Grandma- turned 90 today, and looks fabulous!, My mom, me, and Hayleigh. Hayleigh would not sit on any one's lap but Grandma Sue's 

Hayleigh and I when we first arrived- Hayleigh had to warm up to all of the people there

My Beautiful Grandma Weidner at her 90th Birthday Party. Hayleigh and I are the only ones who share my Grandma's middle name in our family

Right before Uncle Brad, and Aunt Magen had to leave- Hayleigh and her Uncle Brad

Hayleigh and her Auntie and Uncle

Hayleigh making a face at my sister after she blamed Hayleigh for pulling a whole flower with bulb out of the ground. In all reality, Hayleigh tried to pick it, when Magen tried to help her get it, she ended up pulling the whole thing out of the ground. 

One of my favorites of those two - Hayleigh is soo HAPPY! 
Well, from all of the pictures, you can guess we had a BUSY weekend.

 Friday started off with my sister arriving into town, we all went and ate El Ranch, went to Walmart, and then to Chilly Willy's for ice cream before heading back to my mom's house for Hayleigh to spend the night. I got to enjoy a nice quiet bath that night, but did not sleep well without Hayleigh there. The house is just too quiet, even though she does not make a lot of noise all of the time.

Saturday, Hayleigh "helped" Aunt Magen with the cake Magen was making for her friend's wedding as a gift- it turned out fantastic! She even made the flowers from scratch- gum paste~
Later on that afternoon, Hayleigh and I went ahead home- we were wiped out! We come home, packed a box, and then I realized that I had left the new milk I got for Hayleigh at my mom's house. So, that evening we went into town just for that. We made it almost to town, and Hayleigh fell asleep in her car seat, and would not even wake up once we made it to my mom's. I watched tv with Mom for about 1/2 an hour, eating strawberry pie, then loaded up Hayleigh's new water and sand play table Uncle Brad had picked up for me, along with the rest of the strawberry pie, and loaded Hayleigh back up still asleep, and headed home. I had just pulled into our driveway, when my mom called.... guess what I had forgot??? THE MILK!!  So, I told her we would just make do without it until the next morning.

Sunday, Hayleigh slept in until 9:30am, we got everything rounded up, and headed into my mom's house for breakfast, and to get ready for my Grandma's 90th Birthday Party. We made it to the party just a tad late, got us a table, and visited with family over lunch. I am simply amazed every time my family gets together, just how grown up we all are now. When I was younger, every holiday we all got together, plus everyone had cookouts and parties, and we all spent the night at each other's houses. We was a close family- my cousins were all my friends, and we had a lot of good times. I often think back to those days, and miss them a lot. Now, everyone has grown up, gotten married, had kids of their own, and a few have moved away. It is just funny to watch all of our kids- all close in age- months is all that separates them, play together, and having fun. If you remember when I was pregnant with Hayleigh, there was 6 of us pregnant at the same time, due a month apart from the next. Hayleigh spent her time running around squealing, dragging a handful of balloons behind her, playing with all of her cousins, before getting into the pool. Of course Hayleigh has 5 different bathing suits, but did I remember to bring one? Nope. I guess I just didn't think she would get in at all. At one point of getting out of the pool, and running around, Hayleigh's diaper was sagging soo much the top of her little butt crack was showing. It was then we decided to just put her in the extra pair of shorts without a diaper, I had in the bag. We had quite a time catching up with Aunts and Uncles, and the many cousins. Everyone was giving us well wishes for the move and for the new baby. After the party, I came home to help the people we sold our tv to, pick it up, and get it out of our house, and visited with my sister, and her boyfriend, Brad, before they had to go back home- 2 hours away. They had quite a hoot with Hayleigh, and Hayleigh had a great time playing with them as well. It's sad that they won't get to see her until her 2nd Birthday, the end of June. I realize it is a month and a half away, but, it still is hard since visits won't be as frequent as they have been- making the future visits all that more special. We ended the day by visiting Allen's grandparents for a hour or two, before heading home after an exhausting day. I know they really missed Hayleigh over the weekend too, but it was very important Hayleigh got to spend some time with my mom, her aunt, and uncle, because time left her is running out.

Which all of this brings us to today... A week from today, Allen will be home, helping me get the final things on the moving truck. I imagine we will be spending the night away from the house our last night, since the moving truck will have everything on it. We are planning on leaving next Tuesday morning, bright and early, so we have 2 days to get to our new home, giving us a day to unload the moving truck before it has to be returned. It is hot and humid- too humid to be exact. Hayleigh and I had to run in a sign I had sold on facebook on the garage sale site earlier- I'm trying to get rid of some of the stuff I don't need, or think I will use when we move. We then went to Dairy Queen for lunch, just us two girls, and actually went inside to eat. About halfway through our meal, we were surprised with a couple of our friends, and Hayleigh's friend, Bentley. We all ended up eating together, and visiting. Then it was back to home! I am planning on taking Hayleigh in an hour to Allen's grandparents, for them to watch her while I try to get really serious about packing the rest of this house up. I have a few people stopping out to pick up stuff they have bought, or I am giving out. But, other than that, I have to get really serious about all of this, without over doing it at the same time. Super Mom! I tell you!

In baby news, I am feeling great most of the time. The mornings I really hate, not from getting morning sickness- which I've had very little of, but from sinus drain... SNOT. I HATE IT! No matter what I take before bed, I still am stuffy in the morning, hacking up junk for a half hour. I know I had this same problem when I was pregnant with Hayleigh, and I think honestly, I would rather be throwing up food, than this. I still crave potatoes... but not as bad as it had been. I think it's partially from me not wanting to crave them all of the time. This pregnancy has been different than when I was pregnant with Hayleigh. I'm a lot more mellow this time..most of the time. I haven't got pelvic pain YET... I'm still waiting on that one, but, I am just as emotional this time as I was the last. I don't know a single pregnant lady who didn't experience that one. Hayleigh has been hugging me and kissing on me- really a love bug lately. She has started to really miss me, and she misses her daddy right now, and has expressed it everyday. I think the reason for being soo mellow lately is I realize that it does no good to worry, if I can help it. I have to focus on our family, and getting us together and in one piece moved over 1,000 miles away. Another reason I think I'm more mellow... I kind of know what to expect with pregnancy, and having a baby now, that I'm a seasoned Mama. I got to see a 8wk old baby on Sunday, of my cousin's. He was sooo tiny. We had a nice talk about that. She said that her little girl that is only 6 days older than Hayleigh looked like such a big girl when she first came to the hospital to meet her new little brother. We both agreed that every time you see a baby younger than your youngest, they look soo small, and it is really hard to remember your baby being that small. Kind of scary to think how comfortable I was handling Hayleigh at a day old, and when I hold a month old baby now, it scares the heck out of me, making sure every limb and piece of their body is carefully handed off very slowly to the next person.

I did purchase a Pregnancy/Post Pregnancy Yoga DVD. The moves really seem to help, and are supposed to help out a lot the further along I get. I can get help with back and pelvic pain this time around, and feel better.

Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough, and I'll just have to put everything else in another post. At least this week, I will be 12wks along, and moving out of the first trimester! I'm excited for this- I can really breathe easier after this, and start looking forward to our future appointments with our trial run of doctors.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Wordless Wednesday...Lounging Around the House

These were obviously taken last week when Allen was home. Hayleigh found the box from her diapers that were delivered earlier that morning I was saving for packing, and decided to make it HERS... We had a good time mainly lounging around and enjoying spending time with each other.. In 12 days we will be getting the last bit of what is left from the house loaded up onto the moving truck, and be busy bodies for the next few weeks trying to unpack. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Once an infertile always infertile?

Okay, it is quarter till midnight now, and I am STILL up, wide awake. When Allen is not home to make me go to sleep, I find my nights after Hayleigh is asleep, scouring the internet. Today, in my free time, I went back to the first blog I started following, which in turn, prompted me to start my own. The author struggled with fertility, in different ways than I had. I'll be honest- mine was a walk in the park compared to what she went through to get her first born. But, one thing is sure, us infertile people kind of stick together. Infertility has brought me two really great friends. We all know too well the struggles of trying to become a mother- ready to make it through hell or high water. Anyway, after reading past blog posts from the blog I had followed, it really made me think. The author or the blog was on her second pregnancy at the time, via IVF, and was re accounting her experience at a 2 hour what to expect while pregnant seminar that was required by the hospital she was going to. She was telling about the young teen mom to be and her boyfriend, and some others in the class with her, rolling her eyes over and over again. I know some people would not understand this at all- she was not being stuck up.. it is just an infertility thing. Once you have experienced it, it changes your life forever. It can make you bitter, and grateful all at once. When someone you know, or don't know just gets pregnant, you are very judgemental. Your views of others getting pregnant just like they went to the store, and got a free gift just for going- if they did not have to endure shots, needles, drugs, probing ultrasounds, catheters that look like a dip stick for checking a car's oil, lots of people in a room with your bottom naked on a table in stirrups.... you get the idea. You don't mean to be that way, but you feel like you had to do a hell of a lot more work to get there too, and they have no idea how grateful they should be about it just happening for them.

Well, the thought that hit me tonight- I'm not one of those people anymore- infertile. I didn't have to go through all of that again- got pregnant the good ole fashioned way. Didn't have a clue... I felt bad. It is hard to explain... I guess that since I did not have to go through all of the chaos again this time, I feel like I cheated, or left the "infertile club". I guess it is kind of like being in a line with all of my infertile buddies, and a cashier opening another line, just letting me through, leaving the others behind. Guilt is what I have. WHY did it have to be this easy this time??? Why couldn't this have happened 8 years ago? My only answer to this is to make me more grateful for what I have now. If I wouldn't have had to go through all of that circus of trying to get pregnant, I don't think I would have been as thankful for all of the small things I experienced. I was happy to get morning sickness when I got pregnant with Hayleigh- probably one of the happiest pregnant ladies you would have met. And, tonight, after eating a buster bar from DQ, I felt soo sick- probably the Big Mike burger I had at Hovey's with french fries, with Hayleigh and my mom at supper. The Big Mike comes with coleslaw on it... enough said with that. Anyway, I contemplated whether I wish I would just get it over with and throw up- even though I had just taken my prenatal, antibiotic, and sinus medicine just before while enjoying my ice cream, or whether I should just sit there and enjoy being sick... what is wrong with me??? I guess it all stems from guilt. I didn't have to go through anything to get this pregnancy- so in the back of my mind, I am thinking "suck it up you big baby! there are other people out there right now at this minute who would do anything to be sick from indigestion from being pregnant. So... I just sit there, and took it all. I ended up not throwing up, feeling much better, and reading on the blog once again.

 I have nothing to complain about. Sure, we are moving in less than 2 weeks- out of state, over 1,000 miles away, and I have to get it all packed and ready for Allen to just come home and drive us. I am also not working this time, and even though I complain about Hayleigh being a busy body, and making packing harder, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in this world. If you would have told me three years ago, that by now, we would have a healthy, busy, 22 month old beautiful girl running around, kissing my belly, and patting it, saying "Baby", I would have thought you had fallen off of the deep end. But, here we are.... Our marriage has also grown from infertility. I think that going through all of the hoops to get pregnant the first time, really did make Allen and I closer together. We really loved each other before, but, I think it made us more grateful for each other, and we had to rely on each other in ways we never had to before. We are more grounded now, and I think more grateful for what we have.

It is truly incredible that we are where we are now... I cannot believe we did not have to go back through all of the hell again. As crazy as it sounds, I was planning on going back next year, and was looking forward to going through what I knew.... this is definitely something I don't know. It just happening... I was looking forward to both of our kids having the same books- I made one for Hayleigh of us trying to get pregnant with her- our charts, ultrasound pictures, I even kept the kits from the follistim injections, and pill bottles from the femara. I kept it all, and now, this baby will have a totally different book. I worry about our kids fighting in the future about Hayleigh being planned, and the other one not... We wanted them both- equally as much. I know I am truly blessed, and beyond LUCKY to be here now.

 To my fellow infertiles out there, hang in there. It doesn't always happen like this, no matter what anyone says. I just got lucky... I'm still one of you, and I always will be. Just because my body worked this time without drugs, doesn't mean that it changed me back. Kind of like blood sisters...infertility sisters forever.