About Me

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Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Well, today was a day for no sleep... The phone rang off the hook today. Just different people wanting to catch up, and me just wanting to sleep. So, the one call I screened ended up being Dr. Gentry's office- my RE called me from a different # on my cell phone, and I did not recognize it, so, with me being tired, I let it go to voicemail. My RE said they have reviewed my chart from this last cycle that didn't stick. The next cycle we choose to do, I will be taken down from 75 to 60 of follistim, and kept on femera, just like the last cycle. I went ahead and called my RE back, and left a message on my concern for me being put on estrogen after the next IUI, and asked for the details on when I need to call, for next cycle date we choose to do.

I am sooo not looking forward to all of the injections and pills once again... at least I know what to expect for the next round. At least this time when we video the first injection, I will not be whining, or scared.. it will be just like plucking eyebrows.. hurts a little, but nothing out of the ordinary anymore.

It is still up in the air on when we will actually do the next cycle. A part of me wants to wait until after Christmas- enough stress through the holidays.. and the other part of me really wants to do it next month. If we wait until after Christmas, I can hunt this fall. Allen has decided that I am not doing ANYTHING at all for the next cycle but lie around like a bump on a log. NO climbing a tree stand, just to sit and watch, no sitting in the cold, no going up and down stairs more than a few times a day, and the list goes on, and on....

Only time will truly tell what we are going to do. We plan on keeping the next cycle a hush hush thing. This last went smooth, except for the end when all of the drama started, following me miscarrying. The drama came from someone who knew that we were in the middle of the cycle, but, did not even consider it when it came time for them to throw a fit over nothing. So, I am going to keep to myself, and be a hermit for the next cycle. Until the next cycle though, I am unrestricted from lashing out and bitch slapping someone. lol... like that will really happen, but, you never know.

On a different note, go figure, I have a wisdom tooth trying to come down again. This stupid tooth has dropped, started to break through, then went back up, waited 6 months, and done the same thing over. Needless to say, I am fully expecting it to be a problem when the time comes for us to go through another cycle. Yes, I am a big baby, and do not want to have it cut out quite yet. So, it will just be in limbo until I finally decide I can't take it anymore.

I am just kind of waiting for this all to work, and the birds start chirping, and the world to start smiling... It just feels like the race has once again started, and we blew an engine or something... now we are out of this race. Everyone loves the underdog though?? right?? So, with that being said, this next round, I will be the underdog that has to win.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Moving on

I know it has been a while since I have made a post. I am doing much better. Last week was the week from hell. The week that would not end. This week has been much better. I have been keeping busy around the house with cleaning and starting back up on my yard work. Saturday was kind of a okay day.. The one thing that I had bought on ebay before we found out that I miscarried arrived. It was the Boyd's bear "baby on board" bear. To my surprise, Allen did not give me a hard time for being on Ebay for once.

Today, I was cleaning out my email, I still have been getting the Baby Center "your baby at week..." I finally unsubscribed to that, and got on my account and deleted the pregnancy from my calender. It still showed where I would be right now... 6wks, would be on 7 wks Friday. It was a painful reminder of what would have been. I am still okay. Just taking this all a day at a time, and planning for the next cycle.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Auto Pilot

Auto Pilot is exactly what I am on right now. Today the anger and emotions have really started to set in. It is just very hard knowing I had something sooo great, only to have it ripped from me. I feel cold and angry. I try to stay on top of this and not let the negatives in and win, but, it feels like I am just slipping more and more.

It really hurts, and I know everyone knows it.. it will get better, even I know this. I know there is no use worrying over it, or being angry, it is done.

I just feel like an empty shell right now. I know I need to keep my spirits up, and just trudge on through, but I can't.

Everyone has been so very supportive- I could not ask for any better friends or family that are keeping the light lite for me. I guess this is all just part of the grieving process. I am still okay, just in a slump right now. I just found out that a 16 year old girl at the high school is pregnant. I want to scream at God and ask why not hers instead of mine? She doesn't want it, who knows if she will even keep it? Life is not fair, and there is a plan, even though we cannot see the plan. I just have a problem with little things like this.

I want to scream, cry, and just lie here sometimes. I was supposed to be going to the doctor this week for good news, not this. It is funny how the week you are the most excited about living, turns into the week you would like to die. Thank God I have a job that helps me not think about this stuff quite sooo much.

I just keep thinking back, only last week I still had it... why can't I go back??? I want to feel it again. I don't know if I can explain this to anyone... I felt it. I really did. I could feel that small bump in my stomach to where my uterus had swelled up, I would just hold it, and smile last week, and on before that. Now, it is back to normal. NO bump.

Allen and I have agreed that we would try until we reached 30.. we really wanted to be done by now. If by the time we are 30, and things are still like the way they are now.. I just don't see us going on with this much further. I knew this was going to be hard. This has been harder than my first miscarriage. The first one happened after we had only been married for 6 months. Allen did not understand. We were not trying to prevent it back then. But, now, I think the reason this one has been sooo hard, is that we REALLY REALLY wanted this to happen this time. It's not that we didn't the first time, but, we really did not have as much put into the first one as we did this one.

I know that time heals all wounds. I cannot even remember the date that the first one happened. I remember the day, just not the date. I know that this rounds dates I will remember. I have my instruction sheets from the doctor, the meds, and the pictures to remind me. I wanted to keep everything, just so that if it worked, I can show it all to our kids someday. I will still keep everything. I am thinking of getting a small box to put it all in- kind of like a memory box. I'm thinking that it will help me get some kind of closure from this all.

I am soo sorry to make anyone else upset or feel really bad too. That is the last thing I wanted.

We are sooo lucky to have great friends and family who really do care about us. I am soo lucky to have a husband that understands, and is taking care of me- I am usually the caretaker. Giving up the caretaker role has been hard, but, I am just finally sliding over, and letting myself be the one to accept the help.

This will always be a sad week for me to remember.. I just know that there will be several great weeks to make that bad week not soo bad to remember.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'm gonna take that Mountain

I know I am such a sensitive person, but I do get inspired by even the smallest things. Music really reaches out and touches me, country music touches my soul. It reminds me of when I was young, and growing up, it was like they were writing about me... So with that comes the song that I am going to stick into my head, and get through this period of time. If you don't like country music I am sorry. The song is "I'm gonna take that Mountain" by Reba

Passing the test, just to Fail the Course

I'm sorry that it has taken me sooo long to get back on here. It has been a very VERy rough few days. I wanted to post on here sooooo bad what happened last Sunday. So, I guess I will just have to recap it all- this may be long.. okay it will be long, but I will not leave anything out.
Sunday morning: get up at 5:30am to pee on stick. Peed in cup-just in case I would have to retest. Left the stick on the counter in the bathroom and sat in the dark in the living room, watching the clock. I rocked in that stupid rocking chair for what seemed like an hour. I got up and went in and checked the test, flipping the light on, half blinding me - Allen didn't know I was even up yet. I squint and strain my eyes... there are two lines!!! One faint one, and one really bright line, showing the test had worked correctly. There was 2 lines though! At 5 days before the anticipation of AF, there were 2 lines! I went ahead and stuck the 2 test in the cup, stirring it like soup to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Waited 3 min. again... 2 lines! POSITIVE!!!!! What was weird, was I was not that excited it was soo surreal, but,.. deep down I knew the whole time- I felt it. No one could tell me there was not anything in there- I could feel it.

I got Allen up, he looked at the tests, and he was skeptical. He thought you would be able to see something where the 2nd line appeared anyway... So, we went back to bed, and then got back up and marched over to our neighbors. I showed Reagan the tests- she says, "that is definitely a positive!!!" I finally breathed a sigh of relief, and told Allen I knew it. It was sooo nice to have someone finally excited about this. Jeff and Reagan had us stay over for a celebration steak lunch. I just couldn't believe it was that easy... okay it hasn't been that easy, but first try with IUI. After we left the neighbors, we stopped by Walmart again, and picked up 3 more tests. I had taken 2 First Response test that morning- they have the best consumer rating. So, we picked up an EPT test and another box of 2 First Response for later in the week. I waited until we got home - I had not peed in almost 4 hours, so I tried the EPT test... it came back positive! Allen, now believing me, after seeing the new test, and how blank they were, started to get excited. I just kept telling him I knew it all along, that's why I wasn't in a hurry to test.

Well, then, we stopped past my mom's house, and out came all of the baby loot! We started talking about the biggest baby shower that would be hitting Richland County in the months to come- I never got a bridal shower, so I have declared that I do not care if I have to do everything my self for a baby shower, but it will be equally as great as the one on Father of the Bride II - mom says I can't have storks though :( Anyway, I was sooo content... then everyone wanted to know.. WE couldn't tell anyone without telling Allen's family first, and we had decided to wait to tell most of them until after going to the doctor's office. So, began the week of hell.

Monday, I had to lie to everyone, telling them I did not take the test. Deep down I wanted to have a big hat and banner exclaiming the news. I had my first big wave of nausea, that morning. I started getting nausea on Saturday in the truck. My psoriasis was going away, I could SMELL everything! I about gagged to death browning hamburger Monday morning. I was getting a cold, and needed soup, and was hungry for chili. Everytime I poked my head out to let the dogs out, both of our neighbors were constantly checking on me. It made me sooo proud to hear them call me "mama". Finally, I was normal- I was not the odd ball without a family started or on the way.

Tuesday, I slept all day it seemed like.. dreamed of diaper bags, baby showers, and the nursery I would build... believe me- I had this all mapped out right down to the stores on where the stuff would come from. In the back of my mind I had to keep tapping the brakes... not soo fast!

Wednesday, was my last night of work- I took off Thursday night just to get a nice weekend. I had a "friend" give me a really hard time on the phone.. the same friend I needed to be there for me, and should be the one to understand, seeing first hand what all of the doctor appointments was like. It really upset me, she never apologized to me fully. I felt awful. I sat and pet the fur babies to help keep me relaxed and calm. I worked that night, and was soo excited for the next morning.

Thursday, that morning, I took another test... still positive!!! I just didn't feel that great- kind of funky, but I thought it was my cold I had. My symptoms just were not as strong. I began to get that what if in the back of my mind... my "I know" was starting to slip. I stenciled lettering on my neighbors boat, that afternoon, only took me a half hour. After finishing the stenciling, I went back home to relax. I went to the bathroom, and noticed I had begun to spot. My heart dropped down out of my chest and went straight through the floor... WHY??? I got my self picked up and went down stairs to the recliner, and just kept yelling why over and over again, hysterical with tears gushing out of my eyes. I tried to call Allen over and over and over again... where is he? I kept asking myself. I was sooo angry with everyone.. me- it is my fault. I didn't have to do ANYTHING! Allen and I had just wasted a thousand dollars on this. I had wasted it! Allen finally called, and talked me off the edge of the cliff. He is the only one I can talk to when I am that hurt. He is my best friend, and the only one who really knows me. He kept asking if I was okay.. I just mumbled I guess. He talked me down, it was just spotting, not full flood gate of hell. I could still be. We would just have to wait and see. I decided to wait to call my RE until we saw how it would shake out. I woke up after barely sleeping Friday morning early, to full on cramps and flood gates of hell. I called the RE, they told me that as long as I was able to keep the bleeding under control for 30 min at a time between changing pads, and there were not any large clots, dizziness, or anything of that sort, to call Tuesday, and come in to be checked out. There really was nothing they could do, besides monitor me. I went ahead and rode with Allen, no matter how stupid that was, to ride with him to haul pigs. I really didn't care at that point. I did not feel "pregnant" anymore. My boobs didn't hurt, I was not sick to my stomach, my lower abdomen did not pull. Just really bad cramps in waves, with bad bleeding. I needed Allen there with me, I didn't care what I had to do just to be with him. I was very emotional. I also just found out that a old friend of my sister's was having a baby girl. I wanted to feel soo happy for them- they are a really good couple and deserve this... but what about me too?

The cramps subsided after around noon. I was just numb from everything. My eyes burned from crying, my nose was stopped up, and my head hurt.

Saturday was nothing special. We just mainly laid in bed all morning, listening to it rain. I just kept thinking to myself, at least someone up above is crying for me today. We got out of the house, and went to the popcorn festival with our neighbors.. we had to do something to keep it off our minds. Everyone was there with their little kids. I just kept thinking to myself, someday we can do this too.

Sunday, the bleeding stopped. I decided to take a test just to see, even though I really knew deep down what the answer would be. It was def. a NO big fat NO. I showed it to Allen. We both couldn't believe how dark the 2nd line had been on the first test compared to the blank spot on that test. We just cooked supper, just the two of us, and relaxed the rest of the night.

Monday, labor day.. the day I was instructed to test by my RE. I was sooo looking forward to this day. To tell them I told you! They really did not want me to do the IUI, with the risk of multiples and "MY AGE". Now, I didn't really care who was right or wrong. It had worked, and just didn't stick for what ever reason that was. N

Now, I am just sitting here waiting for the RE to call, I left them a message on the events, and just waiting for a call back for an appointment or what they want me to do from here. We cannot try another IUI until October. We have been contemplating it, if we do go through with it, there is no deer hunting for me, we probably cannot afford to go to California in November for Thanksgiving to visit Jack and Lauren, my in laws. We would really like to just save the money, but, we know that we would have a better chance on the 2nd IUI if we did it in October too. So, right now, it is up in the air.

I am okay mentally, I knew from the beginning, that this could be a possibility. We knew the risks, and knew what we were up against. We both know we really want to be parents, but what is this going to cost us, since we are on hold prior to the IUI and after, holding our breath... afraid to even breath. I can go through the day without being too upset, just keeping busy, so that I can't think about what all has happened. I sat at work last night, feeling sooo empty... kind of like a Christmas tree after Christmas feels after everything has been stripped off of it. I finally had a small taste of what is to hopefully come sometime in the near future. I just hope that we can hold on long enough for it to happen. Bellow is the only pic I took of the first test. I don't know if you can see it, but there really is 2 lines there.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Update of the week

So, you are probably wondering what has been going on lately? Well, I am sure of what lies ahead for us.. I just cannot say what it is... whether it is another round of shots and doctor visits, or pure baby bliss. I have a blog waiting to fill in the cracks, but I need to wait and see how this week shakes out first. I hate to keep anyone on a cliffhanger, but this week will be over soon enough... I promise! So, I will not be making any posts until Thursday or Friday. Wish us good luck! ;)