What keeps me up at night before Benadryl kicks in.

With the added popping out of my bump lately, there have been other things popping up that worry me. Some I have no control over and I know I cannot do anything but ride them out but others I know I can do something about them and they leave me searching for the best choice.

#1 and foremost. OIL or rather the price per barrel. I know we are fine now but I worry about it going down- way down. Right now we are okay until April- conveniently the month I'm expecting Eva and the busy month above all. I just hope and pray everything gets steady and calm.

#2 our kids. They have been doing soo good. I haven't spent hardly any time away from them. We've been talking about getting a sitter BUT I'm picky and that's quite alright to be picky about who watches them. Some people I just sit and worry or cringe thinking about what they would do with our babies. I know non parents wouldn't understand this as much or as fully but those kids are my life or rather our life. I miss our Kim sooooooo much it isn't funny. She actually played with them, the time she spent was focused on them not on the bare minimum she had to do with them. She cared is the biggest thing and that is very hard to find- someone who actually cares and enjoys spending time with your kids. I worry about people not caring while I'm out trying to enjoy myself for a few hours. I feel guilty without them with us wondering how awful of a time they are having or how poorly they are taken care of while we pay for it. I'm worrying about going to the hospital and I'm half tempted to just take them with me. I know it's not ideal but it is what it is.

#3. Birth photos. I obviously cannot have the baby and take the pictures at the same time. Right now a clone would be the perfect answer to the child are and photography honestly. I'm looking at hiring out just the birth only. I'll get the recovery on after. I don't want Allen to have to take them and I think my mom will have to be doing the child care. She's not great at taking pics anyway so I do to want to make her nervous operating my camera. The biggest problem is I just cannot hand my camera to someone and expect the same as what I can do. It's not a point and shoot for one, and two taking pictures is not just something you just do. Your creativeness shines through on this. There is a big difference in positioning yourself right and settings you adjust. So I'm hoping to be able to hire someone that isn't an arm and a leg to help me out on this.

#4 keeping up around the house with meals, cleaning, and just taking care of everyone and thing. I've started not being fully capable of carrying baskets of clothes up or down our long flight of stairs. I'm nervous about falling since I can't hold the basket like I usually do. So I have to rely on Allen to help me with this now. The dogs have been driving me crazy-especially Ellie.

#5 I worry about Eva. All I want in the end is everyone to be happy and healthy. Reid was born into a scare - he wasn't breathing. The hospital staff did a great job of keeping calm and both Allen and I didn't fully realize what was happening until he was in the clear. I just sang a smooth non complicated labor and delivery. All of us happy healthy and go home just fine.

#6 I lastly worry about not only Allen's stress from his job but me bring able to handle everything on my end myself. It's a lot what I will be taking on, ANC I can't add a lot of it onto Allen's plate. I had a good cry to him last night about this. Ellis has been difficult on the potty in her crate and just chewing in general. Some days I really hate her. Yesterday was one of those days. I don't want to bed the mom that yells all the time about everything. So the shock collar will be coming out on Monday for Ellie.

Anyway, I'm trying to prepare and adjust the best I can for things to come and things already happening now.
I still feel like I've failed pretty much most days with what all I wanted to do or get done - mainly with the kids. But I know I'm doing the best I can and that's what matters most.