About Me

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Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

From Limbo to Possibly Slamming into High Gear

For the past week, it has felt like we have been stuck in limbo between the future - we are heading to that will be a huge change for us, and starring into the present, and past that is the normal what we are used to but just doesn't seem like normal anymore. We are in transition, preparing for what is to come, and I'm trying to hang onto "now", trying to enjoy being here.

Friday, we told my mom what the plans are for the months to follow. She was angry, and I can't say that I blame her. She looked like a truck just hit her. I just kept telling her that I was sorry, but we didn't know what else to do. She hung onto Hayleigh about to cry. Hayleigh had her picture of her and Santa from this last Christmas out, pointing at Santa, saying, "Ho, HO, HO!" My mom told Hayleigh that she was never going to see THAT Santa ever again. I know how she feels- when I feel helpless, I get angry too. I told my mom, this is not good bye for good- we can make plans for just Hayleigh and I to fly back for things like that through the week sometime. I can get plane tickets cheaper, if we can buy them well enough in advance. I told her this, and told her she can always come and see us too. I also told her the part that makes me cry about Hayleigh not being with my mom, is Hayleigh has her own room at my mom's house, and Hayleigh won't be there every week anymore, playing, or spending the night. She will have to make many changes, just like everyone else this is effecting. Mom will have to get internet, xbox, and a kinnect. We use ours to talk for free and video chat- kind of like skype with Allen's dad and step mom- we open gifts together at Christmas, and just visit. Hayleigh gets to see and hear her grandparents, and they get to see her show off and play.

Many people close to us are angry... angry at us, and at the world, angry for us having to leave. I can't blame them. I feel like I'm sitting on a fence post, torn between two worlds. On one hand, it is exciting- moving to a new area that is just beautiful, there are many things to do and enjoy, hunting that I've only dreamed about, and living by the mountains with NO HUMIDITY!!! All of this with us making a good living and life for our family. On the other side sits our families back home here, sad, hurt, and angry, and ALONE. My sister lives a couple of hours away from home as well, and tries to come back every month or so for the weekend. After we are gone, my mom will be ALONE- no us, no Hayleigh to make her happy. Magen will still be coming home to visit with her boyfriend Brad, but, we won't be here, and she won't get to see Hayleigh, we won't get to go out to Joe's for pizza late on Friday night, and laugh at what cute things Hayleigh is doing. Allen's grandparents only have us here as well. Fridays are their day with Hayleigh. I bring her over bright and early before I go to work in her pajamas- they all play and have a good time. Allen and I come by after I get off of work and visit for the afternoon, and then we sometimes go out to eat. Hayleigh has her stuff over at their house as well- things she has to see, or do when she is there, Grandpa's windmill, that is his and Hayleigh's to watch and treasure. She gets excited when she sees any of them, jumping up and down, smiling, and raising her arms in the air, wanting picked up. Just seeing them all light up because of her- that HURTS the most. Of course I'm sitting here thinking about all of this crying, I guess it is how I cope with it all.

I hate feeling torn. The most important thing we have to keep thinking, and remembering is we are doing this for our future, for Hayleigh- not to hurt everyone. We are not just picking up and moving because we want to- it is because we have to go to make our future better.

I know once we get out to Montana, we should be fine. It will be very hard, but I know in my heart we can do it, and will make it work. Allen is planning on going the middle of April and staying for a few months working, making sure this will work, and will be house hunting with me over the phone, and online. Hopefully by the time he comes back to get us and our stuff- we will have a place ready to move into, and Allen will have adjusted to a new job. I know that no matter how hard we think this will be after we move, it will probably be the hardest on us while Allen is in Montana, and we are still here in Olney, waiting to make sure this will all work out. Allen will be away from us for a month and a half most likely. If everything goes to plan, we are planning on leaving just after Hayleigh's birthday- literally after that weekend. This is all based on if everything goes how we think it will, and will probably change a million times until then.

Today, I looked at what the community had to offer, events, facilities, the library, etc. I also looked at the schools, and was completely overwhelmed. Like I've said before, I have had Hayleigh's school figured out since before she was born- she was going to St Joe- here in town. We wanted smaller classes, with numbers proving that students there came away with a better education. I looked at the Catholic schools there in Billings today, and it immediately depressed me. In our area, our Catholic school is very laid back, and simple, along with the church I grew up in. I guess the way to best explain it all is there are churches that are very hard core and strict, and some who are more easy going. To get a baby baptised at their church, Godparents have to be no younger than 16, live close, parents have to go to church as much as they see fit, and must show that they will continue to go and be active in the church. They have a big tank- pool to baptise adults. This is all very different, and I do not like it at all. We do not have a tank to dip adults into in our church, Hayleigh's Godfather is not 16, and is the PERFECT person to be her Godfather. I do not like any of it at all. Of course, I am not what you would call a full blown, full time Catholic- don't judge me. There are things I do not agree with, but here, it is tradition, and it is what I grew up with. Wendelin is home to me. I'm not going to go on and on with what I believe or don't believe in, but, this all completely turned me off. I would be completely happy if we could do things online for Hayleigh, and celebrate things here at home for her instead. If this could really happen, I would be elated, but, I doubt it can.-

 All of this was written on Monday... I didn't have time to finish, so here is from today-

On a brighter note- Allen has an interview via phone tomorrow for a job in North Dakota for Haliburton. Haliburton is one of the top companies Allen had on his list of who he wanted to work for. Things could be moving a whole lot faster than planned..... we will see how tomorrow goes! Fingers Crossed! So, tomorrow is a really big day for us. Allen may be leaving a few weeks from now. Scary to think! I think I'm too anxious now to even attempt to finish this- I've lost my train on it, so....

 to be continued..............

A Glimpse of HOPE

This is one of the videos that Allen showed me last week. I'll be honest, the guy in this that is at the Walmart, talking about having a good job for 10 years, and for it to just go away, and wanting to make his girls proud of him, made us all cry. He is someone out there just like us. Looking for HOPE. This is just part of the news story.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Wagons West!

Well, after many weeks of thinking, talking, and planning, I think I can finally say what we have decided  for our future. One thing is clear, we do not have a future in our hometown or even in the area around it. There is nothing here to sustain us, or to grow with. Allen has been job searching now for 6 months. He was laid off of work from the farmer he worked for, for over 2 years, had them sign a letter stating he was laid off of work, and then had to fight for unemployment for months, only to be shut out after appealing all that he could after they kept denying him unemployment. We have struggled to understand how someone could want for a person or family for that matter not to be able to survive, and approve the unemployment. After all, Allen and I have both worked our whole adult lives, and have not and will not make it a job out of living off of unemployment. It is something we pay into and should be there if we should ever need it. I don't I don't think I have ever really said that on here, but that has been soo stressful for us. Some people have told Allen to just find a job, any job, but why work somewhere just to pay half of a check to gas, and another chunk to a sitter for Hayleigh, and then just barely get by? Allen wants to stay at a job and retire from. We want to provide Hayleigh and any other future children with the best future, and life we can give them. Unfortunately it is not in Olney.

 I know many people are upset about us relocating. Trust me, this has made us sick for the past months. We are planning on relocating to Billings, Montana this June, if not sooner. Allen is planning on going up at the end of April- mainly because of weather, and time to get arrangements made at home. I know this will be very hard for us to do- leaving all of our family,friends, just EVERYTHING behind. I'm so nervous about having to find all new doctors, starting new insurance, and not to mention a new home.

To be quite honest, I cried when I finally realized that Hayleigh's pediatrician would not be her doctor much longer- he was there from the start, and he was my pediatrician too. I cried about lots of things, some silly, some not. I have cried over not having our future children at the same hospital, in the same hospital room- I dreamed of this, or over when we first looked at our house with the real estate agent, I could see us bringing our baby home to this home when we pulled into the driveway. I cried over holidays to come- will we be able to be together with our family, to future birthdays for Hayleigh. I've even cried over my lawn, and the countless hours and labor I put into it, and have been trying to come up with a solution on how to take a few plants that are really special to me, like Hayleigh's butterfly bush she got when she was born. I mainly cried, and still cry over our family not being close to see Hayleigh, to let her spend the night over at her grandparents houses, or spending time with Aunt Magen, and Uncle Brad, or Hayleigh's godfather, Garrett.

 I'm scared about not having my routine, my same old job, just everything. Yesterday was my 5 year anniversary at UPS, I was given a plaque and given gratitude for working there this whole time, and right now sit staring at the plaque, wondering what I want to do for my future. I have been researching schools near Billings, and thinking this might be my best chance to finish my degrees that I have put off. I worry about where Hayleigh will go to school at- I've had that planned since the day she was born, holidays at home, and Hayleigh's future birthdays. How will everyone be together for all of this?  I realize that these things we are having to start over with are big changes, but we can do it, and some will not be as bad as I think they might be. There are planes, trains, and automobiles, and Internet, this is not saying good bye and never seeing anyone again.

It has been a dream of ours to live in Montana, back in 05-06' we had the chance to travel the country- Allen drove a truck, and I am soo happy we had the chance we did. Throughout the traveling, there were soo many places we were lucky enough to get to see- and there was nothing tying us down. When the chance came to go out west with the company Allen was driving for - we got to make a few trips out west. Let me just say it completely took our breath away. BEAUTIFUL. We got to travel through Idaho, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Oregon, Washington, Colorado, and Wyoming, and MONTANA, on one trip in the middle of the fall out there. We decided right then and there, that if we could ever live anywhere, it would be Montana. Well, six short years later, we have that chance. There is opportunity that we cannot ignore there. There is hope for us to have a life we want to have not only for us, but for HAYLEIGH.

I feel like we are pioneers in a way, going on the Oregon Trail, or something of that sort, but kind of mixed in with the trail of tears at the same time- because a trail of tears is what we will be dragging behind us all of the way out there.

One of our couple friends with a little boy that is just a few months younger than Hayleigh, are planning on making this jump with us. They are about like us- they see no future in our area, and are trying just like us to make a better life for their family, instead of struggling here. At least we will have each other to lean on and keep company when it gets tough being away from the only place we have all ever lived- and grew up around.

So, the question of will it work? Allen has spent a month researching the area we are moving to, and it is very promising. If everything works out the way we think it can, we can provide for our family and not have to worry about everything we are now. Having an argument over something silly would be nice instead of having little arguments over not having enough money to cover bills, things we need, and just being stressed out and agitated from that would be soo nice! Right now, we don't have anything to lose, but much to gain from this. Our family comes foremost. We cannot sit here just barely getting by, if that, just to keep everyone happy we are close by.

Tomorrow, (Friday), I am really dreading.... I have to tell my mom when I drop Hayleigh off with her the news... I hate making everyone feel like we have been scheming this all the whole time, and want to get as far away as possible. I hate the feeling of thinking I will cause a lot of heartache and loneliness for people. I hate that Hayleigh's room at my mom's house will be empty with no Hayleigh there every week to play in it, while my mom watches her for me while I'm at work. I hate that we will not be able to just go out and have dinner together with our family just because it is Friday night, not just because it will only be when we are in town. I HATE all of that, but, I HATE not being able to make a living for my family the most. So, when you see us around, if we are acting excited about moving, it is what we HAVE to do- we have to be positive about what could come, and not think about the negatives. I saw a quote today that made me feel better about this whole thing, it said, "there is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in."

Time will only tell if this will all work or not- all we can do is HOPE for a better tomorrow.

Friday, January 20, 2012

For Better or For Worse...

Friday is finally here! This week has been sort of a stressful week, Allen and I were both trying to build up a plan for our future- what we are going to do. Should we stay here in Olney, move somewhere else? I cannot tell you just how stressful this decision is, and can honestly say we are no closer to coming up to the answer to that question anymore today, than we were a few days ago. I would say within the next few months, that answer will come to us- by then we should have a pretty good idea what is going on....I HOPE.

The last 6 months have been very crazy and stressful. I don't think we fully enjoyed Christmas, even though it was one of my favorites. Hayleigh made everything so much happier. I have learned more in the past few months about my family than I think I have ever known-mainly all at Christmas. I wasn't too happy with what I had learned- most of it was sad, and I wish things were different.

I really don't know what we would do without Hayleigh in our lives, that little girl has been such a life savor! Every time we are having a hard time with something, here comes Hayleigh with a smile, trying to get you to smile for her.

The past few months has not only taught me many things about my family, but a lot about lessons in life. Things that I once thought were soo important in life, are not such a big deal to me now. I know that I have said this once before, but when you are going through a tough time, those who really care for you shine. The others drop by the wayside. Some of my family and friends have brought me much grief, and I am ashamed of them.

There are things in life I will never understand, and I think I am finally coming to terms with that- Infertility taught me that all too well over 2 years ago now. Through the loss and disappointments in life, we can find hope and guidance. I know I never thought we would have a family, but now, here I sit, typing this with an 18mo old running back and forth from her room to the living room stirring pretend food in her cooking pot.

I believe  you have to look through the darkness, and hurt to find yourself. I cannot say that I don't want these bad experiences in my life- they are what has built me,and made me who I am today. They have also made me even more thankful for what I have in life. Because of infertility, I believe I am a better mom, and I appreciate Hayleigh that much more. I also value my friends that have stuck with me through it all, and let me be myself. I am the person I want to be, not who everyone else would like for me to be- and if being me is not good enough for them, they can take me as I am, or leave. I really did use to care about what others thought of me. I am a sensitive person, and wear my heart on my sleeve. I am either all in, or all out. I am honest with what I think, and will tell anyone what I think about anything. I would love the honesty from others just as much. I will do anything for those that I care about, as long as they do the same for me. Not everything is happy go lucky- there are good times, and bad. If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. That is ME.

Once again, I find myself looking to the past- what has pulled me through tough times.. friends, family, and inspiration from others- along with this one song.. It always helps me make it through it all.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Almost Wordless Wednesday...Little Mommy

Hayleigh for the first time in front of Allen and I played "house" with her baby doll, Owen. She slaved over a hot stove in her play room, stirring up special food just for baby Owen- we could hear her making quite a commotion in her play room, pots making a racket. She then came out into the family room with a small skillet, a spoon, and her baby doll, Baby Owen. She sat down, and started feeding the doll, I jumped up and ran upstairs and grabbed the first camera I could get to with a charged battery- not the video camera, so the footage is not the best quality, but it is better than nothing at all.

 After watching Hayleigh play "Mommy" to baby Owen, it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. This is something I've waited soo long for, and was worth everything we went through to get here. I never really knew before Hayleigh what I was missing out on. This is truly what being a Mom is all about :) Hayleigh is such a good little Mommy!

Saturday, January 14, 2012


Hayleigh and her new Hooty house shoes from
 Aunt  Magen and Uncle Brad
Hayleigh loved her new boots for Valentine's Day

Since Monday, Hayleigh now can say my name, and Allen's name. It really aggravates me, but I know she does not know better, so we are working on fixing this with Allen and I calling each other Mommy and Daddy. We figure we call each other by our names in front of her so often, that it was really easy for her to pick up. She can also say "I love you", "Missy doggie", and Toby is just "Baby doggie", "kitty cat", and when pointing at stuff she does not know, she says "This". There are many more words, and I am amazed when she starts saying more new words each week. 

My sister and her boyfriend were here visiting last weekend, and brought Hayleigh her Valentine's presents. Hayleigh got some really cute pink boots, window gummy clings, and peeps- my personal favorite. We put her new boots on her, and she pranced around my mom's house like a little show pony. 

 Hayleigh can now count to 4 and say her ABC's to the letter D. Her favorite number is 2, when you prompt her to count she likes to count 2 the most.

About a month ago, Allen taught Hayleigh how to sit on his foot and hang onto his leg while he walked. This is now fun, and irritating at the same time. I can be walking through our living room, picking up toys, and Hayleigh will come and sit down on my foot, grabbing hold of my leg, wanting a ride

Hayleigh is a gummy bear junkie. We usually do not give her candy. This all started a week ago, Hayleigh takes the gummy Flintstones vitamins, and does not like just getting one. If she can see them out on the counter, she shouts "this" over and over. We have tried hiding them, but the problem got to be when we would give her a vitamin, she would start yelling "more". You cannot reason with an 18mo old. So, a week ago, we were at the store, looking for gummy snacks for her, just to help out. We could not find the kids snacks, Allen picked up some plain gummy bears, and said we would come back and look again when Hayleigh was not ready for a nap. Since that day, she has become a gummy bear junkie.

Until the past day, Hayleigh could say "hello", but when it came to bye, she would just wave. This was particularly funny when she would be talking on the phone with someone, and we would tell her to say bye to them.We haven't tried the phone out again, but she has started to say bye when waving in person now.

Last night while playing in her playroom, I heard Hayleigh chattering up a storm, and beating on something. I walked up to the doorway, and Hayleigh was wielding a skillet, beating it on her kitchen set, all of her baby dolls, and toys were everywhere. I stood there for a minute, watching, she finally notices me there, turns and smiles, and says "awwww". She knows she is cute, and knows just what to say to express her being cute.

Apparently Hayleigh has caught onto some of my OCD. Every morning, she brings in all of her cups from her kitchen set, along with the salt and pepper shakers, places them on the end table in the family room, stacking them all- even the salt and pepper shakers. She has also been doing this upstairs in her room with her tea set. The cups to that tea set have saucers attached to the bottoms, I don't know how she does it, but every time I go into her room, they are stacked as well.

Playing with Uncle Brad 
In Hayleigh's room at my mom's house, playing with my old doll stroller

Friday, January 6, 2012

Piggy Tails!!!!

PIGGY TAILS!!!! ~ I cannot tell you just how LONG I've waited for Hayleigh to get enough hair to make pig tails! Today, I got the wild hair to try yet again, and succeeded! Here is the proof- the pictures are not great, but she would NOT hold still- a girl on the go!