Day Dreaming of Baby M #2

I'm up late once again, thinking... it seems to be the only time I can really do this all to my self. I was listening to our iTunes once again, and just listening to songs that make me remember things, usually sets me off and gets me thinking. I was listening to Rascal Flatts tonight, and my play list hit Here, Stand, My Wish, and I Melt.. all four of those songs bring me to important places in my life. I Melt came out right before Allen and I got married- I believe it was #1 on the charts on the day we did get married. On the song Stand, it helped me through one of the most tough places I've ever been in my life- we were trying for Hayleigh, and after 5 years of being married, and one failed IUI round, I about hit rock bottom. I was mad at the world, at God, at my body for letting me down. That song got me through it all- after debating whether or not to go ahead two months later with what would end up being our last IUI round, that song was there in my mind- I had to be strong and make it through, and it paid off. That song still brings tears to my eyes- I listened to it a lot while pregnant with Hayleigh, along with My Wish, and Here. After Hayleigh was born, all of those three songs I really cherished and hung onto.

So, while listening to those songs, I remember back to before I was even pregnant with Hayleigh- while giving myself one of my nightly concoctions of infertility drugs, I sat there wondering what my kids' faces would look like, would we have boys, or girls, or one of each? Who would they act like, and what color of hair would they have? I was sold on dark hair- and ended up being dead wrong on that. Those thoughts continued after we found out I was finally pregnant with Hayleigh, and I caught myself day dreaming about it a lot- I had dreams at night about having a really big baby girl, with dark hair, and lots of it too- all curly. When Hayleigh was born, I couldn't figure out who she looked like- at first we thought she looked like my sister, but later it was very clear she was her daddy's girl over and over. I remember lying there on that hospital bed, looking at her, just after she was born, completely dumbfounded trying to get a good look at her- I was completely exhausted, and excited at the same time, I couldn't concentrate. Everyone kept going on about how perfect she was- I was thinking well, yeah... and I hadn't ever really seen newborns with any strawberries or bruises - they always all looked perfect to me too. After a few months, I saw just why everyone was making all of the remarks they did. I saw pictures of a baby, whose poor face was completely bruised BAD! I then thought how lucky we were she didn't have any marks or anything.

Now, I worry about that, and I sit and wonder if this baby will look like their older sister- Hayleigh, or be kind of what I had hoped for after Hayleigh was born, and we saw red hair. I always wanted 2 girls, but now, I don't know- just another healthy baby would make me completely happy. Anyway, after Hayleigh's red hair, I hoped that whatever we had on our next and last baby, that they would have dark hair and complexion like me. I got that from watching Practical Magic- the women in that family had girls, one red head, and one dark haired. I was sure that would be us.. the next would look like me, since Hayleigh looks like Allen. I kind of laugh now, in anticipation, I think this baby is a boy- I'm just getting fat all over- not like I did with Hayleigh. Anyway, I wonder if we do have a boy, if he will look like me more. Kind of funny, a little girl that looks like her daddy, and a little boy that looks like his mama. So, now I dream of that kind of. To tell you the truth, besides having a healthy baby, I would be tickled to have either a boy or a girl, but girls are soo much fun! The accessories, headbands, painted toe nails, purses, baby dolls, are just soo sweet- boys have GI Joes, and I don't know what ever else is out there now. Not soo exciting for me. I've dreamed of Allen having tea parties with his two girls, and them doing his hair while he is asleep, just like me and Magen did when we were little. But, I remember the fighting that came with having a sister- I realize that it is probably the same with brother- sister siblings, but, we will just have to wait to find out. Anyway, I do know what our little boy will be wearing if I have anything to do with it. At Kohl's they have these little Ralph Lauren Chaps long sleeved plaid shirts and jeans- ohhh sooo cute! I made the remark while shopping for Hayleigh that if we ever did have a boy- I would dress him in those kind of clothes all of the time! Allen would probably have some under armour stuff for him too, or even her is to be expected.

I don't honestly know what we are having- I don't have a gut feeling this time- a lot of people are saying boy, and the way I'm packing, I would guess boy too. I just hope we get to find out this coming Wednesday what we are having, so we can start shopping for this little person. I'm praying for a healthy baby the most right now, because whether it's Pink or Blue, they will be loved just the same.