Painting the Truth..

Disclaimer: Okay, I have been working on this blog post for a few days now, trying to think of what I want to do with my blog... Between working overtime this week at work, to sleep insomnia, and the non-stop kicking and moving of this little girl, I have been completely exhausted. So, if this sounds like I was not in the best mood when I wrote this, it is coming from 8 hrs of good sleep since Saturday for me, along with trying to get all of my other errands done along with this too. Work has been driving me nuts, people have been driving me nuts, the dogs, and lack of sleep have just all gotten to me. So, here it goes.....

I wish that I could be more graceful sometimes, and just smile and let things roll off my back, but, that is not the person God made me to be. I wish that I could just let stuff go, venting about it, and for people just to realize that, my opinion is my opinion, and that is just what I think about things... but, people don't. There are so many things that go on in my life I would love to just spout off about, but, I can't. Why???? Because, I am not the only one who gets the feedback from what has been said. My husband does. I am really thinking of turning my blog into a private matter just so I can go back to what this blog was really started for, or start a new one, and have it for my 2 cents, and have it available by invite only. But, this blog was really made for one thing.. FOR ME. For me to be able to write about my feelings and about what all is happening in my life, battling infertility, and life. I hate having to worry about what other people think. I do not disclose names of the people that should be left private on here. After all this is my blog. There are soo many great things that do happen in my life that I would love to gush over and let the whole world know about, along with the things that upset me. After all, I am only human, and pregnant with raging hormones and now lack of sleep. I really am getting heartburn over all of this just as I type this right now, but, things in life are just flat out not fair.

Because of the things that go on in my life, I really do question my faith more than I probably should. It just is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. I find myself going over that quote by Eleanor Roosevelt quite often.. thinking of the people who are not willing to bend for me, but, are asking for me to bend over backwards for them, even though they may not even realize they are doing so. I really wish there was a manual for divorced families on how to get along. I hate being made to feel like I have to "chose" a side, even though it has been 10+ years since the divorce. I hate having to act like one is better than the other... come on you are our mom and dad.. our ONLY mom and dad, why do we have to chose between you? Why is it that when something is given to us, no matter what the occasion, or for what ever reason the gift was given, that it turns into a resentful competition? Why is it that you cannot even stand to be in the same room together, and do it for us? Did you ever really just think of me, or my family to be, before you acted like that, and just swallow your pride, or forget about what happened a long time ago, no matter who was at fault? I understand that this is all a new thing, not like the past, when everyone's parents were still married, but, please for our sake figure this out without dragging us in the middle of everything. If you cannot find it in yourself to do it for us, think about this little girl coming into the world in a short amout of time from now, and how you would like for her to see things in this world.

I realize that there are some people who do a lot for me, but, I really hate it when they hold it up over my head, like I am in eternal debt to them. Believe me, I am really really grateful to have you in my life and to have your help. I also hate it when people tell you or your spouse that you really don't want to do something, or question if you are really any good at something, even though it is something that makes you happy in life. We are supposed to build our loved ones up, not smack them down. Dreams are there for us to try to reach, don't rip them away from us! I know when Allen and I got engaged, we were young...19 years old. I can tell you from our first kiss, I knew Allen was the one I would spend my life with,I felt it. When we got engaged, no one was happy about it. NO ONE. After all, what did they all expect? We had dated for 3 years, known each other since the 4th grade, and were good friends for the whole year before we even started dating. So why was it such a big deal that we wanted to get married? We both had jobs, and could take care of ourselves after all. Yet, there are people all over the world that do things "backwards" to me anyway, and nothing is ever said about those people. I still to this day resent a whole lot that was said to us, and wish that people could have been more happy for us, and told us they were. There were some that tried to talk us out of even getting married the day after we were engaged. There were no congrats to us then, which really made me worry about when we were going to tell everyone that we were pregnant, even though we had been married for 6 years, and together for 10 years. I did not want a repeat of what had happened over 6 years before that. To my surprise we did have a lot of congrats, and everything went smooth for a while. Things have moved on now, obviously, and I guess now everyone can rest, knowing that our marriage was a good thing, and we have a happy and fulfilling marriage that gets stronger every day. We have been building our marriage up slowly, but, surely, now finally getting to start our family. I do want to say that I am grateful that we had all of the time that we did together before jumping into parenthood. Not a whole lot of people have to wait 5 years after getting married to start a family. But, to each his own.
There are things in life that really frustrate me, that I know I have no control over, and know I shouldn't be upset over, but, there are certain things that do get to me. I know one thing I am not alone with is my issues with becoming a parent. I have a few friends that have rode on that infertility roller coaster and know exactly how I feel about this. I guess that unless you have to work for something soo special, you really don't realize how special something is. I know that we are most likely more grateful for Hayleigh, than some people would be about having a child they did not wait years to get. I guess that it is all about living the experience. Unless you were there, you wouldn't understand. There are other things in this world that I just don't get, that really makes me question my faith too. I don't understand how in this world we can put someone on the moon, and still need a place like St. Jude's Children's hospital. Why is it that there are all of these children growing up without parents, either because they are foster children, or their parents just flat out do not care enough to be with their kids, and yet, there are people out there that would give a child a great stable home, would make great parents,but, cannot have children of their own? Why anyone could kill a baby through abortion, because they were either not careful, or the pregnancy is an inconvenience for them. I don't understand how or why in this country someone can work their whole lives and not get anything for it, but, the people that do not work, get a check for staying home and not working. After all, even though I work part-time, I work everyday, and there is money coming out of my check every week to go to someone who could physically be working, but, would rather stay home and just collect a check. I do not understand why the people that I work with, reward or baby the people who do not want to work yet pile it all on the people who do, do the work. But, these things happen.

There is a whole list of other things that get to me, probably just the same as a lot of other people, but, I would be here all night listing them off, I am sure. Anyway, you get the point. Some things just hit closer to home, and I just cannot talk about them on here because some people do not share the same views as I do, and cannot respect my opinion on my blog.

So, the dilemma is still out there.. separate blog, or private blog... you tell me what you think I should do, since I am having a hard time deciding for myself.

Please leave me a comment with your 2 cents, so, I can decide what to do with mine...