Wish Lists, Hopes, and Dreaming of Labor and Delivery

St Mary's Hospital - Grand Junction, CO

This is one view of the hospital where we will hopefully- if everything goes as planned, have our baby. We drive by it almost every day that Allen is home- and  you can't miss it looking across the town ( It's the tallest building in the town). Every time we drive by it, I sit there, staring at it, wondering what it will be like in a few months to actually be in there having a baby. Gives me goosebumps! Often when I start daydreaming about it, I am picturing an easy labor and delivery, followed by Hayleigh coming into the room before everyone else to meet her new baby brother or sister, smiling from ear to ear. I start tearing up over this and wake back up to reality. I know from what happened last week at the doctor's office, Hayleigh will not be smiling, she will most likely be scared of what all is going on, and start crying. And, I realize I will probably have another hard labor- since I have a 30% - 50% chance of developing preeclampsia once again, so bring on the pitocin again! Yay Raw! I just hope that the baby is healthy, we can all go home together, Allen is there, and nothing crazy happens.

 It really does scare me to think that not very much longer- quicker than I think anyway, we will be checking into that place, and I am just hoping that after having labored and delivered one baby before, that I am better prepared this time around. I have been doing my prenatal pregnancy yoga- not very much, but trying to. Kind of hard with Hayleigh yelling no, wanting Mickey back on- so after she goes to bed, I try to do it, but most of the time, I'm heading to bed myself. 

I think I have different views of what I want to happen this time around. I know that if I have another long labor with pitocin, I will be getting another epidural if I need it- I don't care if you think you are super woman, going without drugs for 19 hours is crazy to lie there miserable for hours, wearing yourself out, making it harder to push when it is time. If I would have had a short labor- under 10 hours, I think I could have made it the last time. Pitocin is a mean and nasty drug- I despise it- but I know in all reality, I will be saying hello to it again. Really the only person I really want in the room this time is Allen. I want this time around to be more, I don't know, me relying on him to help me through it. I just want him more involved this time around. Besides, he got me into this mess, he's gonna help me get out of it. lol. I just worry about what Hayleigh's going to be doing the whole time I am in there laboring, who will be taking care of her- because I honestly do not trust very many people with her- or just driving her in general. Makes me a nervous wreck when I see how people drive when I'm in the car with them, wondering how they would drive with just Hayleigh in there- she is very distracting, and some people do not need any more distractions because of their driving abilities. Also, operating her car seat correctly... 3/4 people do not correctly install or secure babies/children in their seats correctly. I am scared to death that someone else will get into an accident, and Hayleigh will be the only one hurt. I just feel like if I am there with her, I would have done everything I feel is right on getting her into her seat, since I know how to use her seat, have had lots of practice, and feel like I know how to operate it correctly. So, I guess if I am not comfortable with anyone driving Hayleigh to and from the hospital for us- here especially, then I guess, Allen will be making a trip home to pick her up and take her back. I know it will be hard on her right after the baby is born, with Allen staying the night with me in the hospital- we may have to change our plans on that one. No mommy or daddy home with her- I'm sure she will be very confused. I know everything will be fine- and Hayleigh will be okay a few days away from us, or just me. 

The only other thing on my wish list this time around, is that we get to come home with the baby, and at night, it is just Allen, Hayleigh, me, and the baby here. Just for the first night. I don't know what it is about the first night home- your hormones are high, you have been cooped up in the hospital with people constantly coming in the room. I think it is just the need to finally relax with your baby/family by yourselves that break you just need from everyone, knowing it is just you and the baby- no nurses checking in, taking the baby, it is all you. Because, let's face it, no one ever truly sleeps in a hospital... well, at least I didn't last time, and I think after all of the excitement, and people in and out of my room, I was completely ready to just be alone at home. To me there is nothing more relaxing than being in your home by yourself, being able to walk around the house how ever you would like- naked, shirt & underwear, bra & underwear... you get the idea. If I want to go into the living room to let Allen sleep, and breastfeed the baby in my bra and underwear, I would like to at least not have to worry about giving anyone a show, or disturbing anyone else in the middle of the night. I just want a relaxing peaceful experience is all. Everyone can come and visit all they want through the day, and I would greatly appreciate all of the help anyone would offer, but I want the nights to be ours. There are plenty of motels around in the area for everyone to have their own room and bed- we don't have a lot of room here at all, and once the baby makes it here, we have no spare room. I don't want people to have to sleep in the living room, and then try to find a place for their things through the day while we get visitors. 

Another thing I will keep in mind... I will not over do it this time after the baby comes. I will not be outside mowing the yard, or trying to do everything. I will accept people's offers for help, and let them do what they offered to do, no matter if it is the way I do it or not. Yes, I'm that kind of a freak- folding towels, sweeping, moping, etc....  I have to worry about feeding the baby first and foremost, and will put my focus that I have to share with Hayleigh, to breastfeeding this time around. I want to be a milk cow this time- being able to pump to my heart's content- not struggle to get 4 ounces. My boobs have gotten huge this time- and they had better have for a reason- to provide lots and lots of milk. I have to remember to drink plenty of water- I will be forcing myself to keep drinking it- I hate drinking water, but it is a must to produce milk. I'm even bringing my pump I bought after Hayleigh was 8wks old to the hospital with me- it is a medela pump in style- double pump. I even got adapters to work with me pumping into our Tommee Tippee bottles so I can store, or feed with the bottles. I realize this time around, if I'm pumping to feed the baby over the baby not feeding off of me directly, it is just fine. Breast milk is free, and better than formula, and helps your body bounce back to pre-pregnancy too. I need to remember to order replacement kit for it as well too. But great pump!! I'm going to give this the best try I can from day one- I will try pumping after I attempt to breast feed the baby- I want lots and lots of milk, and this is one way I know that could help. - makes me want to go and drag out all of the baby gear right now! 

Well, I'm going to end it on that note- I'm heading out to the garage to reorganize the boxes and get the baby gear in the house to go through it. I love doing that- getting out the stuff for the new baby, especially knowing we get to use it all soon too! 

Tuesday Tidbit Trip to the Pool!

Yesterday, I took Hayleigh to the Fruita Community Rec Center- here where we live. Let me just say WOW! This place is huge with a gym, indoor basketball court, child care for $1 per hour, a library- that is free, indoor play area, indoor pool, and outdoor pool. I wish we had something like that back home. Outside there is also a skate boarding area like what we had back home, but just what is available to do here is amazing.

I signed Hayleigh up for the next 2 weeks of the Wee Wet Wigglers Program. It is a swim introduction for babies 6months up to toddlers of 3yrs of age. It is a 2 week program that has a parent in the water with their child, getting them acquainted with being in the water, and working on swim basics. I am very excited about this except for the part of being up there at 8:30 in the morning. If anyone knows us, Hayleigh takes after her mommy...ummm we are not morning people. When the sun gets too bright in Hayleigh's room, around 6-7am, she hollers for me, and I go and get her out of her crib, get her tippy, and we go back to my bed to sleep in for a few more hours. She and I both wake up happy, and well rested. We are both grouchy when we are tired, and watching her be like that is kind of cute... me- not soo much. Anyway, Allen will get to see Hayleigh do her swim lessons for 2 mornings the week he is home- we will have to miss one morning because of the baby gender ultrasound, that is at 8:15am.... sigh... the next 2 weeks we will not be sleeping in at all!~

I got everything rounded up for going to the pool yesterday, and just happened to try on my maternity swim suit... it was aweful! I have never really liked how this thing has fit, so, off to Target we went. I had to get Hayleigh swim diapers- they are required to go to the pool, so we ended up getting the reusable one for Hayleigh, and a maternity swim suit for me. I like it a lot better, and feel a lot more comfortable in it too. After leaving Target, we took off back toward home. Now, I had googled the address of the community rec center, and ended up on a wild goose chase for the next half an hour. I finally got fed up, and stopped and parked in a local parking lot, to bring the address back up on my phone. I found out that I had not been going far enough on the main road, and saw exactly where I needed to turn. So, off we went, finally found the place, right next to the community hospital, and made our way in. I had to sign a waver for Hayleigh anyway once inside for the swim lessons next week, so I was asking all kinds of questions about the place, and ended up amazed at what they had to offer. For $6, we could use any of the areas- Hayleigh was free, but we got full use of the gym, basket ball court, and pools. We went ahead and went straight for the indoor pool- to get Hayleigh warmed up to the pool first. We went ahead and found the changing rooms- very nice! Got us both dressed and ready to go, and out to the pool area we went. They had a huge array of things to do- a current swiggle part of the pool, very large hot tub, slide, diving boards, lap areas, a huge alligator floating in the middle for kids to play on, wadding areas, geysers in the 6" deep area, a toddler area, with jets of water streaming out, and a play area for small kids with water moving through it - kind of like a mining operation. They had locker areas, foam water weights to use, floating boards, and a first aide office all inside. We ended up checking everything out except the hot  tub- since I can't get in it, and the slide- Hayleigh cannot ride on it or go off of the diving board since it all is over 8' of water.

After spending about an hour in there, we headed out to the outdoor pool. The sun felt soo good- a nice 83 degrees outside with a slight breeze. We got our area set up and snacks out- since you cannot have them inside, and made our way to the shallow part of the pool. They had a basketball hoop set up with 2 orange balls to play with, a lap area roped off, a diving board area, and then a deeper end roped off. Hayleigh loved it outside- it was less crowded, and warm out there. She wanted to be on her own- in the area she could walk in that was chest deep, she would take off- then slip, and ended up going under the water, I would pull her back up, and she would come back out of the water laughing. She loved going out to the deeper water with me holding her up, telling her to kick her feet- she looked like a little frog out there- and wanted me to let go- but I wouldn't. She didn't understand how much deeper the water was there. Anyway, after taking a break to snack, and going back inside, we left 3 hours later, checking out the library on the way out. We plan on going back today to at least get our library card, and checking out a few things. We finished the evening by checking out an eating joint called Munchies- ordered two hot ham and cheese sandwiches with fries to go, and took them back home to relax for the rest of the night.

Recap of the Week & Change in Plans...

We had a great week this last week with Allen home, and hated to see him leave early this morning. I just wish he could be here more, but I know he has to go and be at work for us. I don't think we hardly sat still all week- we had soo much to do, and so much we wanted to get done.

Monday, Allen got home that morning. We ended up getting ready, showing him everything we had gotten done since he had left last time, and went to the mall to get his hair cut. We ended up getting lunch first, and tried out Sonic, and it was a big hit! I think it is now our favorite fast food place to eat at- besides my beloved McDonald's french fries. After eating, we then finally went to the mall, and hunted for the place to get Allen's hair cut. I think we were really successful- following Allen's barber from home, my cousin, Mark, it was a tough order, but, I think we got a close cut. While in the mall, I took back a top I had purchased from Motherhood Maternity, and exchanged it for a shirt that Allen picked out for me. I looked everywhere for my receipt, and could not find it anywhere, so after getting the new shirt 1/2 off, I ended up with a gift card with the difference for the store- I know I will be back. Let's see, then we ended up going to game stop, traded in one of Allen's games, and picked up a few others, and then went home and relaxed, then went out to eat at the Flying Roosters restaurant. We went home after that and relaxed for the rest of the evening.

Tuesday, we decided to hang around the house for most of the morning, Hayleigh and I got the trash out to the curb, and let Allen sleep in. I made spaghetti for lunch, Hayleigh fed herself and did a really good job using her fork and spoon! She didn't even hardly make a mess either! I cleaned the kitchen up, Allen played a few games, and I finished laundry up, and got Hayleigh down for a nap. After she got up, Allen decided to find the DMV, and then we went to Cabela's and sold one of his guns. The DMV was a total bust- busy and completely packed- we ended up leaving, and decided to return on Thursday. We spent a while in Cabela's, waiting on them to run to the bank to get Allen's money, and finally left, with Allen treating us to Red Lobster for supper. We made it home, and Allen went with a co-worker up to one of the local bow shops to get his bow ready for this fall for elk hunting. Hayleigh and I stayed at the house for the few hours he was gone, and watched a movie and had popcorn. 

Wednesday was a BUSY day! We ended up at Best Buy, then went to McDonald's for a quick lunch, and then headed over to our first Baby Doctor appointment. I filled out the mounds of paperwork, then waited while Hayleigh had fun entertaining everyone in the office. They finally got me called back, first we weighed in... ughh! I was NOT looking forward to this since I had not weighed in since I was 6 1/2 wks along, and have been eating like a horse. Good news! I have lost 4 pounds since I was 6 1/2 wks along, making a total of 8 pounds total pregnancy- I had lost 4 pounds when I had to go to the doctor when I was 9 wks along with a bad sinus problem. So Yay! I'm to where I started when I was pregnant with Hayleigh, and I'm almost 1/2 way there! My blood pressure ended up being a little high, but I am sure it was from being soo nervous. When we got back to the room, I had a special bag waiting on me full of goodies, and magazines. Hayleigh had fun with that. I sat there with the nurse, while she gathered basic info from me, while Allen and Hayleigh sat there watching. I got a lovely gown, and the nurse made small talk and joked a little bit, when we were comparing my pregnancies. Apparently, I am not the only pregnant lady craving McDonald's fries! After the nurse left, I got my gown on, and was ready for my midwife, while Hayleigh played with the rolling stool. My midwife, Anita, finally came in. We were going to go ahead and do a pap test, and of course screen for STDS. I ended up not having to get the pap done, since I have had the same partner all of my life,  so I only have to get one every 3 years :)))) Yay! So, we did the other test, she asked questions, and then we got to listen to the baby's heartbeat....makes me want to cry every time. I guess I forget sometimes that I'm not just fat, and there really is something in there moving around. I feel this baby move, but not near as much as I did Hayleigh when I was this far along. The heartbeat was 160bpm. My guess is girl, but we are still hoping for a boy. Hayleigh was completely scared to death of what was going on with mommy on the table, and that swushy swish noise that was coming from the machine being pressed against mommy. She was crying, and we tried to comfort her, trying to tell her what we were listening to. I then found out that since I had preeclampsia with Hayleigh, I had a 30-50% chance for it happening again. And, they will not induce unless medically needed before 39 wks...so as much as I do not want to be induced again, I am now hoping that we have the same situation happen with this baby as we did when I was in labor with Hayleigh.. Allen was home, and I was dilated, and I started getting preeclampsia, so they induced at 37wks.. Otherwise, I am afraid Allen will not make it in time, and I will have a 10lb baby if I go full term. Anyway, after that, we got our next appointment scheduled- the gender ultrasound!!! I then got blood drawn, and that was it. I was exhausted after all of that- soo much excitement! We ended up going home, and eating left overs, relaxing the rest of the evening. 

Thursday, we went back to the DMV first thing, and was still waiting for 2 hours, before leaving with Allen passing his hazmat test, and us having to come back with birth certificates- my original was not good enough, and since we moved from Illinois, they would not accept our driver's licenses as a valid id- LONG STORY about Illinois being 1 of only 6 states that doesn't follow proper federal guidelines. SO, now we wait on that until Allen is back home again. He had to order a new birth certificate anyway. Then, we went and got lunch- I was starving! We decided to go home, and get Hayleigh a nap. After Hayleigh was up from her nap, we were going to go grab supper, but the truck would not start. After doing a lot of research, and phone calls, Allen found the problem, and since it was after 5pm, we would have to wait until the next day to get the part he needed. So, instead of going out, we cooked pork tenderloin with all of the fixings, and stayed in. 

Friday, Allen got up early, tracked down the part, had one of his co-workers stop by and take him to the parts store, and bring him back. It ended up being a fuel pump control module- with Allen fixing it himself, we ended up saving over $300. He got the part for $106 with tax- when Ford wanted $150 to diagnosis and $150 for the part, not counting the tow bill we would have had. Allen got the part on, I helped him jack the spare tire back up- it was under the spare, and started up the truck without a hitch. We then headed into town, to get some grocery shopping done, and gathered some stuff up to make a dessert to take to a cook out we were invited to that evening. We ended up getting lunch at Sonic again- surprise surprise... hit Lowes, to get weed killer, and bolts, to bolt our sectional together, since it wants to slide on the hardwood floor. After getting home, Hayleigh got her nap in, Allen sprayed weeds, I got the groceries put away, and we took care of the sectional. We relaxed for a few hours, and then got ready for the cook out. Had a good time at the cook out- got to meet a few more people- always a plus! Hayleigh had a great time in the small kiddie pool, and ended up hamming it up with everyone- being the cute stinker she can be. I swear my mom has ruined her! She spent majority of the time picking up sticks.... sigh.. Anyway, had great food and company, and went home to relax the rest of the evening. 

Saturday, we got around and had lunch at the other Flying Rooster location, with some friends, and then ran around town, then made our way out to the Fruita Dessert. Had a good driver, then it was back home, to get Allen packed up and ready to leave out early this morning. 

In the midst of the week, we decided to push Hayleigh's birthday party, and us going home back a month. Just from Allen's schedule, and wanting everything to flow just right, we decided it was the best thing to do. I know people are upset with this, but we cannot walk on water, and this is just the way it has to be. Allen is moving camps again this weekend, and his schedule is not set on when he will be in, so, it was best to wait until we have a set schedule to buy plane tickets to go back to Illinois. I don't think some people fully understand just how hard this is to do, going back to Illinois, or realize what all is involved in being back for the week- ends up being 4 days there after traveling. I am pregnant, we will be driving 3 1/2 hours to Denver as soon as Allen gets in to fly out, and we have a toddler. Allen will not get time to relax, because as soon as we are back, there will be a mountain of to do things waiting, people wanting to visit with us, etc.. I realize 4 days is not good enough for most people back home, but it is all we have. I just wish they all could quit complaining, about the amount of time we have, and be happy we will just be there, after all of the work that goes into just spending 4 days there. The other thing that makes me upset, is my mom cannot accept the fact we are here, and we are happy- adjusting, but happy for the most part. There is a lot less stress here, and things move at a more relaxed pace- people drive 55 mph on the highway- the speed limit is 55 mph... Mom is worried that Hayleigh will not remember her, or anyone else, or that everyone is missing out on seeing Hayleigh. Like I've said before, there are planes, trains, and automobiles... everyone can come to us- just as easy- maybe even easier than us coming to them. Why should we be the ones that have to do all of the traveling, when we are trying to settle, and take care of our family, and new baby on the way. Mom's concern and apparently a few other's is that I should have stayed in Illinois with Hayleigh, and made Allen fly back and forth- making it easy for them, and harder on Allen. I feel it is not fair to Allen, just to make it easy for everyone to see Hayleigh, and come and get her when ever they want. I am sorry, but besides the cost and time required for Allen to travel, is ridiculous, and we are MARRIED. We will go with Allen where ever he is- or where ever we need to be to be closer to him. Our priority is OUR FAMILY- Me, Allen, Hayleigh, and the new baby. I am getting sick of hearing from my mom everyone else's complaints about us moving- when they won't  say anything to us about it. Really!?? Thanks for supporting us! I know everyone wants us to come back to Illinois, but I don't think that will happen- if ever. Allen was off for 6 months looking for a good stable job- was there any? NO. Is there plenty of jobs out here??? YES. Does this all mean we will never go back to Illinois to visit? NO, but we are also not in another country as well. While we miss everyone from back home, Colorado is now our home- whether anyone likes it or not. Colorado has brought us here through opportunities, which some may not get, but it is our home, and we really like the area- and do not miss the O Town drama not one bit! 

Night Time Tidbits, pregnancy, friends, toddlers....

Well, tonight, I cannot sleep, once again. So, I'm anticipating a busy week ahead- Allen will be home in the morning and be here all week, I am guessing my blogging will probably be MIA for the week.

Today, Hayleigh decided it would be fun to decorate a few walls by herself, with my ink pen.... it has not all come off yet, and I'm thinking this week, while organizing the garage, I will be looking for the extra paint left over to touch up the walls- I scrubbed soo much on them, the paint was starting to come off. I usually do try really hard to keep ink pens out of reach and sight for Hayleigh, but this time she crawled up on top of the bar stool, and got the diaper bag off of the middle of the bar, got into my wallet, took the pen, and $10 in cash - the pen and the $$ have not been located yet, but the cap has been found. While cleaning up the mess, Hayleigh comes up to me jabbering about her work, I get firm with her, telling her just how mad mommy is at her for what she done, and she is not to do that again. She pouted, and rubbed her eyes, like she was crying- this is a new thing if I get after her, I can tell that mommy really has hurt her feelings. She was fine after a few minutes, and of course, it kills me for her to be like that- smart girl... Anyway, I did hug her and tell her I love her, she then proceeded to show me 2 other walls she wrote on as well. I did ask her where the pen and the money were, but she would not budge on those. So, sometime this week, the toys will be gone through, and my closet- the last two places I think she was after the crime, and I did find the cap in the play room by the toys- I just didn't want to let her out of my sight again. Funny- she did this all while I was in the kitchen, and she was just on the other side of the wall. I thought she was just rubbing the night light against the wall. Ohh well... I'm sure there are worse things to come.

Besides that, and fighting with my dishwasher and washing machine about them not working correctly- my landlord will be getting another nice message about them again this week... We mowed the back yard tonight, filled the pond up with water again- a weekly must, and did laundry. I've tried to get the house clean and ready for Allen to see, since he hasn't seen it with everything put up and organized yet.

I'm getting really excited about our first doctors appointment on Wednesday- hopefully we can find out what we are having! I'm rounding out in the middle now, and you know to tell you the truth, if I could be this pregnant all of the time, I would be completely happy! No nausea, no aches or pains really, I can still be sort of limber, I look pregnant- not just fat, I can eat just about anything I want, and I can feel the baby move. It is great! When I'm this pregnant, I feel soo much more beautiful. There is just something about being nice and round, while growing a baby, that makes you feel soo good- must be the glow or something... Anyway, I love looking like this- no need to suck it in, or think dear God, I look awful, and just fat- no baby in there= no excuse. Well, I have an excuse, and it is a really good one. So, I would love to be like this all of the time- let the belly all hang out! lol. I realize that this time around, since I was soo stretched out with having Hayleigh- I carried her high, that this time around I would show a lot earlier than I did with her. I'm to the point now that I don't care. I'm happy, the baby is healthy, and Hayleigh is happy. Allen is also happy, least I not forget, and I'm just trying to cherish this all, because this is 99.9% the last baby we will have. That makes me really sad when I think about it. Makes me feel old, not thinking of having more babies... I want to have sanity, and I know me, and I know that being a mother of more than 2- would really be pushing me thin... I do not have the patience for that many, even though we originally wanted to have 3. But, I know I would be a better mom if we just stopped at 2. I'll have a 16wk photo on Wednesday, with Allen here to take a picture for me. Don't judge me! I'm happy and fat, and round... I'm probably carrying a potential 9 lb baby... I'm thinking this one will be big, and right on time- probably with the help of being induced will be my guess. I know after the baby gets here, I have to take care of myself, and I will get into better shape than I did after Hayleigh- hopefully like I was right before Hayleigh.

Did I mention just how excited I am that Allen will be here in the morning??? I know! It seems like he has been gone for a month this time! These past few weeks dragged on and on.. and I think it was just about as hard as not seeing him for almost 2 months. I know it will get better once we get into a routine, and we meet more people- which I'm excited to say, I've meet another couple... well, kind of . I meet the husband, and have been texting the wife. Long story is all I have to say, but Allen will have a hunting buddy, to help him with elk hunting, and everything else out here, and I will have a fellow mom friend with an 18 mo little boy, that is in the same boat I am in here- a long way from home, no friends or family here, our husbands both work for the same company, and just someone else to relate to. I'm excited about meeting her in person, but from what I can tell by texts, she is a lot like me too. Meeting people, really helps with being here alone most of the time. Most of the time, I am not motivated to be out doing all kinds of stuff, because I know come 4-5 months from now, I will be soo busy, wishing I had the chance to lounge around, being sleep deprived, and just frazzled is what my guess is. I'm just thankful that this baby will be coming at the end of fall, beginning of winter time- we will be cooped up in the house anyway, so, I won't feel soo bad not going outside with Hayleigh all of the time, or her missing out on doing activities, because we are stuck at home with the new baby. I'm scared of taking a newborn out with a two and a half year old. I doubt if we will go many places, unless Allen is with us. I can already imagine it all now- and it is scary. I know people do it all of the time, but, I feel safe, secure, and comfortable at home, and that is probably where we will stay most of the time.

I know we will be okay- it will just take time to adjust to it all, just like it is right now. Rome wasn't built in a day.....

Day Dreaming of Baby M #2

I'm up late once again, thinking... it seems to be the only time I can really do this all to my self. I was listening to our iTunes once again, and just listening to songs that make me remember things, usually sets me off and gets me thinking. I was listening to Rascal Flatts tonight, and my play list hit Here, Stand, My Wish, and I Melt.. all four of those songs bring me to important places in my life. I Melt came out right before Allen and I got married- I believe it was #1 on the charts on the day we did get married. On the song Stand, it helped me through one of the most tough places I've ever been in my life- we were trying for Hayleigh, and after 5 years of being married, and one failed IUI round, I about hit rock bottom. I was mad at the world, at God, at my body for letting me down. That song got me through it all- after debating whether or not to go ahead two months later with what would end up being our last IUI round, that song was there in my mind- I had to be strong and make it through, and it paid off. That song still brings tears to my eyes- I listened to it a lot while pregnant with Hayleigh, along with My Wish, and Here. After Hayleigh was born, all of those three songs I really cherished and hung onto.

So, while listening to those songs, I remember back to before I was even pregnant with Hayleigh- while giving myself one of my nightly concoctions of infertility drugs, I sat there wondering what my kids' faces would look like, would we have boys, or girls, or one of each? Who would they act like, and what color of hair would they have? I was sold on dark hair- and ended up being dead wrong on that. Those thoughts continued after we found out I was finally pregnant with Hayleigh, and I caught myself day dreaming about it a lot- I had dreams at night about having a really big baby girl, with dark hair, and lots of it too- all curly. When Hayleigh was born, I couldn't figure out who she looked like- at first we thought she looked like my sister, but later it was very clear she was her daddy's girl over and over. I remember lying there on that hospital bed, looking at her, just after she was born, completely dumbfounded trying to get a good look at her- I was completely exhausted, and excited at the same time, I couldn't concentrate. Everyone kept going on about how perfect she was- I was thinking well, yeah... and I hadn't ever really seen newborns with any strawberries or bruises - they always all looked perfect to me too. After a few months, I saw just why everyone was making all of the remarks they did. I saw pictures of a baby, whose poor face was completely bruised BAD! I then thought how lucky we were she didn't have any marks or anything.

Now, I worry about that, and I sit and wonder if this baby will look like their older sister- Hayleigh, or be kind of what I had hoped for after Hayleigh was born, and we saw red hair. I always wanted 2 girls, but now, I don't know- just another healthy baby would make me completely happy. Anyway, after Hayleigh's red hair, I hoped that whatever we had on our next and last baby, that they would have dark hair and complexion like me. I got that from watching Practical Magic- the women in that family had girls, one red head, and one dark haired. I was sure that would be us.. the next would look like me, since Hayleigh looks like Allen. I kind of laugh now, in anticipation, I think this baby is a boy- I'm just getting fat all over- not like I did with Hayleigh. Anyway, I wonder if we do have a boy, if he will look like me more. Kind of funny, a little girl that looks like her daddy, and a little boy that looks like his mama. So, now I dream of that kind of. To tell you the truth, besides having a healthy baby, I would be tickled to have either a boy or a girl, but girls are soo much fun! The accessories, headbands, painted toe nails, purses, baby dolls, are just soo sweet- boys have GI Joes, and I don't know what ever else is out there now. Not soo exciting for me. I've dreamed of Allen having tea parties with his two girls, and them doing his hair while he is asleep, just like me and Magen did when we were little. But, I remember the fighting that came with having a sister- I realize that it is probably the same with brother- sister siblings, but, we will just have to wait to find out. Anyway, I do know what our little boy will be wearing if I have anything to do with it. At Kohl's they have these little Ralph Lauren Chaps long sleeved plaid shirts and jeans- ohhh sooo cute! I made the remark while shopping for Hayleigh that if we ever did have a boy- I would dress him in those kind of clothes all of the time! Allen would probably have some under armour stuff for him too, or even her is to be expected.

I don't honestly know what we are having- I don't have a gut feeling this time- a lot of people are saying boy, and the way I'm packing, I would guess boy too. I just hope we get to find out this coming Wednesday what we are having, so we can start shopping for this little person. I'm praying for a healthy baby the most right now, because whether it's Pink or Blue, they will be loved just the same.