Worried and Scared to Death, Yet Thankful

I can't explain why, but with this pregnancy with Reid, I've worried about him and Hayleigh both more than I ever dreamed I ever would. When I was pregnant with Hayleigh, I didn't really worry about anything, but her coming home from the hospital with us. That was it. I didn't worry about SIDS, or much of anything except for other people driving with her in a car.

 Now, I see all of these babies and small children in the obituaries, and it breaks my heart. I guess that now I know things can happen. You don't always have a happy ending with your babies. I worry about something happening to Hayleigh- many things have happened to other children her age, and it just scares me to no end. I really think that because of all of this worrying, that has been what has really pushed me to get us to do the VIA Cord program.

I read about the things that can go wrong, women losing their babies at 38, even 40 weeks, with no signs of problems before. Since all of those feelings have been getting worse, every time Reid jabs me, or kicks really hard, I don't complain. Many people would give anything to have that. When Reid kicks, Hayleigh and I talk to him, so does Allen. We tell him to be nice, and rub my belly, kind of like we are giving him hugs. Hayleigh kisses my belly, and I just know he knows we love him so much already.

Just the other night, I was talking to Allen about traveling back to Illinois- he is extremely worried about me and Hayleigh. Mainly he is worried about me traveling and being far along pregnant. I wasn't honestly that worried about it until I got off of the phone with him. Then, my mind started to wonder, and worry. I then worried for the rest of the night about our plane going down... about Allen feeling like he should have stopped us, and how angry he would be with our families for wanting us to go back, and if they would have just come out here, none of that would ever happen. I could see in my mind, the look in Hayleigh's eyes as our plane was having trouble, and I couldn't tell her it was going to be okay. I see things like this all of the time. It scares me to no end. I worry about Allen flying every couple of weeks. He doesn't so much anymore, but I can't honestly breath until he is safe on the ground again. I don't even dare breath a word to him of my worries of us flying- he already worries about me being home with just Hayleigh, and something happening with this pregnancy, and me being alone with Hayleigh, and him so far away, unable to do anything.

I worry entirely way too much, and I know it. Life can be taken away just like that, and there is nothing we can do about it- it just happens. All I do is pray that if anything does happen, that it happens to me, not to Allen or our kids. I know he would disagree with me on that, and say he would rather it be him- but that's the way it works. We love each other so much and our family so much we would give our life just so that they would be okay.

I'm actually kind of relieved that I will be staying home with both of our babies now. I know everyone feels that their babies are the safest with them. I feel more in control. I don't know if I could even tolerate anyone else besides Allen or I driving our kids anywhere. That is just how scared I am. Our families and friends love our kids, but nothing near what love Allen and I have for them. It's a parent's love.

I think a lot of the worrying about everything is what has actually mellowed me out on other things. I don't care as much for everything to be spotless. It's okay if Hayleigh writes on the couch with her crayons- it washes right off. I don't yell as much, and I hug and kiss every time Hayleigh is upset- even if she got into trouble. My family is my life, and without them, I don't know what I would do.

I was wanting to start back to school for my nursing degree just as soon as Reid was almost a year old, but now I want to wait. I want to enjoy both Reid and Hayleigh as much as I can- school can wait. One thing I keep thinking is that since Allen is missing so many things from working so far away from us, I never want to miss anything of theirs- when they start school, I will be there every program, sports event, parent volunteer day, etc. I'm not going to miss any of it. I want them to remember that we tried, and I was there for them no matter what. I don't want them to look out into an audience, and feel let down that not one of us was there to watch them, yet so many other parents were. I had days like that when I was little, and those days you remember, and they don't feel good. I want them to feel pride, knowing that I was there, and I was cheering them on, and so proud of them too. I don't want them to think they did not do good enough for me. Just them being here, is more than enough.

I'll leave this on a positive note. Because of all of this worrying I do, I think it just makes me that much more grateful for what we have. I am so thankful to have a healthy, happy, yet sometimes cranky 2 year old daughter, that I love more than life it's self. I'm thankful for the life I'm carrying everyday, and dreaming of the day we get to meet him for the first time, seeing both Allen and Hayleigh fall in love with him just that much more. And, finally, I am ever so grateful that I followed Allen home that day from school, and have had the privilege to be his best friend, his wife, and mother to his kids. Because, ever since those days, he has been my everything as well, and life with him has been so much better than I ever imagined it would be.

 I'm also ever so grateful for our families that have helped us along the way, and have been there for us through the good times and bad, along with our friends that have managed to stick around for it all too. Thank you!!~