I Just want to Cry

Today, I just want to cry. In fact, I've spent the better part of the early morning after Allen left, crying myself back to sleep after a quick bath. I HATE Sundays. I've never been a fan of them, and now that Allen has to leave out on Sundays, I really despise them.

I'm not in a good mood today, if you couldn't tell. I'm angry, tired, sad, and just blahh. I'm entitled to be like this every now and then, right?

It must have really showed how I felt this morning, when I was helping Allen pack up and get ready to leave. I'm not a good liar apparently. He kept asking me if I was okay, and even called just after I finished my quick bath. The truth is I can't tell him how horrible I feel when he leaves, or that I worry about him and us like crazy, how angry I am with people being selfish back home, etc. If I told him the truth, then both of us would be worried, and miserable. He is already miserable enough away from us, I'm not going to add to the pile for him.

I know tomorrow will be a better day, but today, I just don't want to talk to anyone but Hayleigh, or anything. It will take all of what I have in me to keep a good face for her. She has started being concerned with everyone around her- if they are sad or hurt. I don't want to worry her either. So for tonight, if the phone rings, and it is not Allen, I'm not answering it- plain and simple.

Right now, all I want to do is lay in bed snuggled up and just stay there all day. I'm so angry with people right now, I could either beat their heads together, or throw my hands up in the air. We are done with getting people out here to visit. I guess they will just go longer periods of not seeing us, because after this trip back to Illinois, we won't be back until sometime late next year. I- we are not traveling with 2 kids- a 2 year old and a newborn cross country for a 3 day visit, and hurrying back so Allen can go to work. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN- so what ever dreams or ideas someone has of this happening, they can just shake it out of their heads now. Next year, if we were to travel, I would have to drive 4 hours with 2 kids in the car by myself, purchase 3 tickets to fly at full price, just to spend 3 whole days in a place we don't really want to go to. Apparently someone just does not get this, because they keep wanting us to go regardless.

I think it is completely sad that our family and friends are making excuses to not come out when Reid is born. But, to each his own I guess. Just means less chaos in the house, and more alone time for us as a family of 4.

I know as far as the holidays are concerned, we will be spending them here this year. Once again, to make us travel with a newborn and a 2 year old is ridiculous, just so someone who is afraid of flying, doesn't have to.

I know I sound really mad, and I am in ways. I guess I'm just disappointed in people in general. I really have no desire to return back to Illinois the closer we get to going. 7-1/2 months pregnant, flying and doing all of the traveling with a two year old- really nice. I'm slowing down now- getting more tired every week, and I hope that people are not expecting us to be all happy, doing flips, and what not. If people are not willing to travel for us- whether that means jumping on a plane for a 3 hour flight total, or riding on a train, after I am making the effort to travel at 7-1/2 months pregnant, against my husband's will, that just really makes me not want to even go back one bit. And to add injury to insult, there are other people I hope I do not even run into when we get there, in fear I will end up in jail for wanting to smack the crap out of them, or just flat out yelling obscenities at them for what pieces of crap they are. Classy I know.. At least things worked out this last week, so I will most likely not have to see these people again.

So, now that I've vented what is wrong this morning, without upsetting Allen, I'm going to go and de-stress myself and play with Hayleigh, then go through Reid's stuff and organize it all. Going through all of his baby stuff really puts me in better spirits. Reid is our little miracle, along with Hayleigh, and just those two alone make life better for us. So, when I go through Reid's stuff, I'm looking forward to having him here soon, and just trying to savor this little time we have getting ready for him trying to get everything ready and perfect for him.