One of the things I think we tend to forget about is that we are teaching our children how to have a relationship- how to be a husband or wife and a mom and dad, on a daily basis. Every time we bad mouth, or criticize our spouse, our children see this, and it teaches them it is okay. I was raised in a household like this. My dad was messy in the house, but not in his work shop. My parents bickered a lot, and criticized each other whenever the other annoyed them. When they would argue, they would yell. What did this teach me? Well, to say the least, it taught me what not to do after lots of work with a very patient guy- Allen. I've learned not to yell when we argue- he can hear me just fine not yelling. Sometimes, I do slip a little, and raise my voice, but I'm still working on it. On criticizing each other- it tends to slip now and then. I get agitated in the kitchen when it is messy, after Allen has just fixed us a fabulous dinner, and laundry isn't always finished, or put up, and we get annoyed with this.
The thing we have learned is to work on how we communicate to each other. I know the last thing we all want in this world is a failed marriage with children. My parents divorced when I was a freshman in high school, and I declared after the whole family went through that, I NEVER wanted to go through that ever again. I realize things don't always work out- but for me, it was not going to be an option. Anyway, Allen and I have learned in the past 9 years of being married to TRY to let the little things go between us, be nice, don't criticize, always kiss each other everyday, and say "I LOVE YOU" and mean it. We don't get to spend much time together anymore, so what time we have together, we have to take full advantage of it, balancing time together as a family and time together just as a couple. We have to nourish our relationships of both being husband and wife, and mom and dad to not just one kid now.
Anyway, now that I've put my two cents in, please read what Jaimi wrote this morning. I think it hits the nail right on the head. You can go over to her blog here if you would like to read more.
As the mother of a son, there is great responsibility on my shoulders: I must raise a man while considering that he might one day become a husband…one day WAY down the road…and maybe even a father. Yet, he is still my little boy today. I have a husband to help me in this-THANK THE LORD-so the weight is on his shoulders as well to set an example of what a man, husband and father can be.
Just considering my role, as the mother of a son sharing an example of a wife, I got to thinking…
Why is it that when women get together we often complain or joke about our husbands? I have on occasion been with a group and taken part in this little, “Can you believe what he did/does?” conversation. I have shared a story or two. It is always one of those moments where the ‘filter’ fails and my mouth moves faster than my brain, and in the end I wish I could hit rewind. I thought about what my participation in this sort of sharing might set as an example for my son (and of course my daughter). If I love my husband, I should want to lift him up, not tear him down. (I am working on it!)
I overheard a couple of women (each old enough to be my mother) declaring to each other that their husbands did not have a right to tell them they did not need, or could not afford, smart phones. “What right did he have,” one woman went on, “to tell me what I can’t have!” Their resolution was to decide that if they wanted new phones they were going to get them and no man was going to tell them what to do. In my house, my husband has free reign to offer his thoughts on what I might purchase, and he always asks me whether I think he should buy what he thinks he wants/needs. We share; we each think the other has a say. I respect him, so I WANT his opinion.
In the moment of hearing these two women, I thought about the mothers of their husbands: Would the mothers be happy that their sons were being disrespected? Did the two women have sons? Would they want the wives of their sons to treat them the way they treated their husbands in that conversation? I thought of my husband…and then my son.
How does it feel as a man, as a husband, to be belittled by your wife? My guess is that it feels just as bad as if I as a wife/woman were publicly ridiculed by my husband-not very nice. So, in that moment, my mind replayed my own rants about clothes not making it into the hamper or my husband not reading my mind when I was upset-no one can read minds, why would I expect that he possessed that power?
Sometimes I am very petty and not a very good wife. I have asked God, and will continue to ask, for forgiveness for this. I set an example in my home of how a wife acts-sometimes a good example and many times not. I want my son to expect respect, consideration, love, patience, support; I want him to learn that these qualities are what make a good wife. I don’t want my son to expect ridicule or belittling. I want my son to marry a woman who loves and respects him-that requires him to learn to love and respect as well.
What we learn to expect of ourselves
is what we learn to look for in others.
I must display these traits to my husband. I certainly will not always agree with him-I do have my own brain-but, we can keep our disagreements within our home and not share them out in public. Disagreements happen, and when resolved through respectful means are healthy-we don’t hide them from our children.
Love is patient, kind and humble. I can be patient, kind and humble...well, I am working on it anyway.
I do not need to belittle my husband or brag about him. God chose him for me. I want that to be taught to my children. (Like I said, I am working on it!)
Posts
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment