Reflecting on the past year

So, today after I got my internet, cable and phone provider switched..yes, I know I haven't even had the other a week, I jumped onto iTunes, since my last internet provider was very very slow. On there, I was listening to Brooks and Dunn, and the one song that gets me every time. Cost of Living. That song came out right after Allen was laid off from his job, and makes me cry every time I hear it. I downloaded it- I really love the song, it hits the nail on the head for how we felt just before Allen got his job, and we moved. There is nothing happy about not having a job, especially when you know your husband bent over backwards and risked his life just to do the job. Going on 3 hours sleep a night, and running illegal logs, just to do the job of hauling livestock, being on time, and ready for the job every day stressed both Allen and I out to no end. He was tired, and I worried the whole time he was driving- that something would/could happen to him, then what would I do without him? I still worry no matter what he is doing about something happening to him, and leaving us without him in our lives. Scares me to no end. I don't know how I could do it all without him- he is the only person that gets me. We've been together since we were 16 years old, and I couldn't imagine life with anyone else. What really scares me is it is always the people that are happy together that end up getting robbed of years together, than the ones who are miserable. We are really happy, and I just hope and pray that we can have many good years to come together. Even though Allen is not always with me here at home all of the time, just talking to him on the phone is all it takes for me to feel better.

Anyway, while listening to the song, I was thinking back of what all has happened in the last year, and wow. A LOT. We celebrated Hayleigh's first birthday, Allen shot the best he ever has competing in NCAA shooting competitions, Hayleigh has grown soo much, crawling, to walking and talking, we've lost friends, and made new, and discovered in our bad times just who was there to help us make it through. We've had lots of downs, but lots of ups... Christmas was sad, with Allen not working, but we still managed to have a nice Christmas together, We celebrated our 8 year anniversary of being married, and 12th year of being together- still cannot believe it will be 13 years this September. We've removed some people from our lives for the better, and let others in. We both celebrated our 29th birthdays this past spring- I'm holding from here on, and watched Allen leave us for 2 months to go to a job 19 hours away. We just packed up everything we could of our lives, and moved out of state- 14 hours away from the only home we've ever known- born and raised in the same place, and had to say goodbye to our family and friends, to try to make a new start, while Allen works 14 hours away from us. A lot of hard things we have done this year.. And, least I not forget, we found out we were expecting again- complete shock. I still cannot believe it happened, after all we went through to get Hayleigh, this one has been soo easy, and will complete our family of soon to be four. It is scary to think back 3 years ago, when we were struggling just to start a family that not too much longer we would be going on to a family of 4! Blows my mind.

I like reminiscing back- helps me see where I'm going, if I can understand where I've been. I think back to things I wish I would have known, and think how naive I was then, but it is all for the best. Without all of the experiences, I would not be who I am today. We make wrong assumptions of people, and our first impressions are not always correct. But, our gut feelings are from what I've found- are right on the money every time. I just need to learn to listen to it more, and not be such a nice welcoming person sometimes. Save me a lot of headache and heartache in the long run. I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them love you, and for that matter if they do love you, they may love you just as much as you love them, but they may not show it as much as you think they should. I think that has been the big lesson in my life- mainly after my parents divorced, I struggled with that for quite a while. Also, no matter how good of a person you are to other people, people take advantage, and take you for granted. Probably why I don't have a lot of close friends- I have high expectations. If I'm willing to do anything for you, you should do the same for me without a question.

Being a wife.. I've had 9 years of practice on this now, I think I've got the hang of it. Always take the time to make time for each other, don't fight unfairly, don't yell at each other, say I love you too much, take the time to fall in love with each other over and over again, appreciate each other, don't criticize your spouse, don't put them down, be united in parenting, and in marriage- it's not his money or my money, it's our money together, because we are a family. I don't necessarily believe in divorce. I know it is there, but it is not a fix all to all problems, and I do not threaten it at a whim. Divorce to me when I was a kid was worse than having two parents fighting- complicates things from there on out, and always is hurtful no matter how long it's been since the divorce was finalized. It's not that I don't believe in it, but it is not an option for us. We both said until death do us part, and I know we both meant it. We can make it through anything if we both try. We cannot give up on each other. I know I'm not the same person that I was when we were 16, or even 20- when we were married, but, I've learned to grow up with my husband, and he is still my best friend.
Because in the end, the best gift we can give ourselves and our kids, is to love each other, and have a good solid marriage for our kids to learn from- something I wish my parents could have given me and my sister.

On being a mother...umm you learn as you go. Some things come naturally, but some you just have to learn the hard way. Not everyone will think that you are doing everything right, but there is no real right way to do things with kids. Just as long as they are healthy, happy, and have everything they need to thrive in live, you are doing the right thing. It doesn't matter if their outfit matches everyday, or some days, you all stay in pajamas, and lay around the house. I've been criticized over and over for some of the things and ways I parent, because I'm not doing it someone else's way, but it is my lesson to learn. Like I said, there is no "right" way, or manual for kids.. everyone has a right way to do things, they just might be not even close to the same as everyone else.

Anyway, I think I am happy with where we are in our lives, just scares me on how fast it is all going now. I know we will have more highs and lows to come, but together we can make it through it all.