Being Brave...Well, Trying....

Okay, it's been a few days since I've been on here. I have been been staying away on purpose. Every time I think about blogging, I'm not in a good place. I miss home.... I know that this is something I HAVE to try to make work, not for just me, but for Hayleigh, the baby, and Allen. It has been really hard only knowing 1 person here. Sometimes, I think that making new friends is next to impossible in an area this size, without having work or something to kind of spur it along. Hopefully all of these future trips to the library, and gymnastics, and pool lessons will help that. I call home to at least one person daily. That makes everything soo much harder for me. Hayleigh does not want to talk on the phone, and everyone on the other end wants her to just chat up a storm to them about how much she misses and loves them. You have no idea how many times a day I wish I could just swap her places for a day. Just one day to not worry about everything. I had no idea just how hard this weekend would be. I am so grateful I have family coming tomorrow to visit, to at least help me take my mind off of it all.

We went to the circus today, and I just sat there with Hayleigh, wishing Allen could have been there for her first pony ride. She LOVED it! The rest of the time, we watched the circus, and people were bringing stuff around trying to sell it all. Hayleigh saw one of the balloon dolphins, and it like to have broke my heart to tell her no. I kept thinking if Grandma Sue, or any of the other grandparents were there, Hayleigh would have one. But, we were with other little kids, and I don't think it is fair to buy one and sit there with your kid with the toy, and nothing for them... Those cheap toys they were packing around were $20, and I thought that was ridiculous, and she would forget about them within 5 minutes. Things like that, that make me think of someone else at home, what they would be doing if they were with us makes it incredibly hard.

 I can honestly say that I had no idea what we were getting into, and no idea just how hard this would be. I thought that we could do it- Allen used to be gone for a week at a time, and be home on the weekend, so we could make it two weeks, and see him for a week. I didn't realize at the time the thing that made it easy at home was our family and friends that kept me occupied. Here, I have Hayleigh, the dogs, and the one person I know with her girls- Mandy. Mandy has her family and friends around, so I can't just glue myself to her- that is not fair or right. I have to stand up on my own two feet and do this. I'm scared most of the time. Not of being here- the house is very nice and so is the area, but, I do not know anything about this place except where Walmart, Target, places to eat, and Mandy's house are. I try to stay upbeat about all of this most of the time, for Allen and Hayleigh, but sometimes, I don't know if I can do it or not. I feel bad calling home to my friends, I try to keep a good face on for them, but, they don't know just how many times I wish they were here at night, or just any time. When I talk on the phone with them, I kind of don't want to hang up.. I just wish people would leave me on the phone and let me listen to everything back home. I know everyone misses us soo much. I talked to my mom tonight- I hate calling her. I think this has been just as hard on her, as it has been on me. I know she misses me to a degree, but she is still mad at me for taking Hayleigh so far away from her. I want to tell her soo  much that at least she has her friends there, and everything else to help her out. Me... well I just have Hayleigh.... THAT"S IT. Everyone and everything I know are there with her, not here with me. Sure, everything in the house here is from home, but, I don't have anyone here from home.

Before we moved, I had a few people tell me I should just make Allen fly home, and stay there. Just how fair would that be to Allen? I'm pretty sure he would feel worse than I do now.

I'm trying to make this work for all I'm worth. I know that this will take time, and before I know it, we will have a routine, and people that know us. What I'm scared to death of is failing. None of that happening. Me being miserable here with two kids, no friends or family. I've been completely taken out of everything I know... I've never been a stay at home mom, or wife, I've always worked- and to be pregnant on top of that  is just the cherry on top. I worry about having the baby here, being by myself, if I will be a good mom to two kids, and give them everything they need, without having anyone to rely on that is here with me. I worry about Allen coming home to me being miserable, and hate coming home to us. I worry about being too clingy... which I know I am on the phone to an extent. I worry about not getting Hayleigh enrolled into preschool in time, and I worry about where we will be in a year.

I know that finding a church will help. In fact I just thought of that, and googled it just now... I laughed to what I found popped up... St. Joseph... There is also one here in Fruita as well- Sacred Heart. It would probably be the better choice only because Fruita is a LOT smaller than Grand Junction- so not soo many people would be there. So, I guess next Saturday night, we will be checking out the smaller church, in hopes of making some new friends and possibly meeting some people with small kids that live close to us. I guess that is what I have to hope for now. I'm not a very religious person, but, I'm up for anything that could help. Thanks Kathy and Tonya, for popping up in my head just a few minutes ago- I really needed that! So, now, I have something to focus on since it is already past mass time tonight, and tomorrow, we have family coming, next weekend we have something to look forward to- not sitting at home. I can tell you one thing. Our church, Holy Cross in Wendelin is a beautiful church, and I have been spoiled with it. The other churches I see, kind of depress me compared to Wendelin- it lifts your heart up when you walk in.

I cannot tell you just how much better I feel now- getting that all off of my chest. What a load that is now off of my chest. I know going to activities with Hayleigh will help with us making friends, but, I can't just stalk people around- most of the time everyone is ready to leave, and since Hayleigh can't really talk to make her friends, so I have to talk to other mommies, that just makes it harder for now. I know everything will get better, and we have to do this for our own good. So, don't worry about me for now- I have somethings to look forward to this week...Family tomorrow, gymnastics Monday, library Tuesday morning, CABLE Wednesday, and new church on Saturday, Sunday or Monday, Allen will be home, and the following Wednesday, we go to our first baby doctor appt.

I'm just thankful I hear voices - just like the country song, performed by Chris Young... when I absolutely do not know what to do, and just about give up, I hear what I know people would be telling me to try. So no one thinks I'm nuts, here is the song, just for reference, and I promise to have a happy blog next!

Ohh, here is the link to the church we will be going to next Saturday...
http://sacredheartfruita.org/