Once an infertile always infertile?

Okay, it is quarter till midnight now, and I am STILL up, wide awake. When Allen is not home to make me go to sleep, I find my nights after Hayleigh is asleep, scouring the internet. Today, in my free time, I went back to the first blog I started following, which in turn, prompted me to start my own. The author struggled with fertility, in different ways than I had. I'll be honest- mine was a walk in the park compared to what she went through to get her first born. But, one thing is sure, us infertile people kind of stick together. Infertility has brought me two really great friends. We all know too well the struggles of trying to become a mother- ready to make it through hell or high water. Anyway, after reading past blog posts from the blog I had followed, it really made me think. The author or the blog was on her second pregnancy at the time, via IVF, and was re accounting her experience at a 2 hour what to expect while pregnant seminar that was required by the hospital she was going to. She was telling about the young teen mom to be and her boyfriend, and some others in the class with her, rolling her eyes over and over again. I know some people would not understand this at all- she was not being stuck up.. it is just an infertility thing. Once you have experienced it, it changes your life forever. It can make you bitter, and grateful all at once. When someone you know, or don't know just gets pregnant, you are very judgemental. Your views of others getting pregnant just like they went to the store, and got a free gift just for going- if they did not have to endure shots, needles, drugs, probing ultrasounds, catheters that look like a dip stick for checking a car's oil, lots of people in a room with your bottom naked on a table in stirrups.... you get the idea. You don't mean to be that way, but you feel like you had to do a hell of a lot more work to get there too, and they have no idea how grateful they should be about it just happening for them.

Well, the thought that hit me tonight- I'm not one of those people anymore- infertile. I didn't have to go through all of that again- got pregnant the good ole fashioned way. Didn't have a clue... I felt bad. It is hard to explain... I guess that since I did not have to go through all of the chaos again this time, I feel like I cheated, or left the "infertile club". I guess it is kind of like being in a line with all of my infertile buddies, and a cashier opening another line, just letting me through, leaving the others behind. Guilt is what I have. WHY did it have to be this easy this time??? Why couldn't this have happened 8 years ago? My only answer to this is to make me more grateful for what I have now. If I wouldn't have had to go through all of that circus of trying to get pregnant, I don't think I would have been as thankful for all of the small things I experienced. I was happy to get morning sickness when I got pregnant with Hayleigh- probably one of the happiest pregnant ladies you would have met. And, tonight, after eating a buster bar from DQ, I felt soo sick- probably the Big Mike burger I had at Hovey's with french fries, with Hayleigh and my mom at supper. The Big Mike comes with coleslaw on it... enough said with that. Anyway, I contemplated whether I wish I would just get it over with and throw up- even though I had just taken my prenatal, antibiotic, and sinus medicine just before while enjoying my ice cream, or whether I should just sit there and enjoy being sick... what is wrong with me??? I guess it all stems from guilt. I didn't have to go through anything to get this pregnancy- so in the back of my mind, I am thinking "suck it up you big baby! there are other people out there right now at this minute who would do anything to be sick from indigestion from being pregnant. So... I just sit there, and took it all. I ended up not throwing up, feeling much better, and reading on the blog once again.

 I have nothing to complain about. Sure, we are moving in less than 2 weeks- out of state, over 1,000 miles away, and I have to get it all packed and ready for Allen to just come home and drive us. I am also not working this time, and even though I complain about Hayleigh being a busy body, and making packing harder, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in this world. If you would have told me three years ago, that by now, we would have a healthy, busy, 22 month old beautiful girl running around, kissing my belly, and patting it, saying "Baby", I would have thought you had fallen off of the deep end. But, here we are.... Our marriage has also grown from infertility. I think that going through all of the hoops to get pregnant the first time, really did make Allen and I closer together. We really loved each other before, but, I think it made us more grateful for each other, and we had to rely on each other in ways we never had to before. We are more grounded now, and I think more grateful for what we have.

It is truly incredible that we are where we are now... I cannot believe we did not have to go back through all of the hell again. As crazy as it sounds, I was planning on going back next year, and was looking forward to going through what I knew.... this is definitely something I don't know. It just happening... I was looking forward to both of our kids having the same books- I made one for Hayleigh of us trying to get pregnant with her- our charts, ultrasound pictures, I even kept the kits from the follistim injections, and pill bottles from the femara. I kept it all, and now, this baby will have a totally different book. I worry about our kids fighting in the future about Hayleigh being planned, and the other one not... We wanted them both- equally as much. I know I am truly blessed, and beyond LUCKY to be here now.

 To my fellow infertiles out there, hang in there. It doesn't always happen like this, no matter what anyone says. I just got lucky... I'm still one of you, and I always will be. Just because my body worked this time without drugs, doesn't mean that it changed me back. Kind of like blood sisters...infertility sisters forever.