Grateful for What We Have

I wanted to write about how I cannot believe Reid is already a month old. But, today I find myself writing about what I don't want to put in his baby book for current happenings among other things.

I am finding myself stumped at what to put in Reid's baby book for current events. I know that someday, both Hayleigh and Reid will learn about what happened last week. I'm hoping not for a long time. We all want our kids to have hope and wonder in this world, no matter how awful it really is.

Reid has been a very difficult baby. So difficult that in the middle of his screaming and crying for an hour straight, with Allen and I not being able to soothe him, I have said a few things about how hard Reid has been that I feel so guilty about. I know there have been a few swear words leave my mouth a time or two in moments of dispair...there's nothing like sleep deprivation and a crying, screaming baby to make you on edge a bit. Usually, once I get Reid to calm down, I feel awful for what I've said, or for feeling the way I did- pleading with Reid to stop crying, and telling him to stop, and asking him what does he want Mommy to do? I know getting aggravated does neither one of us any good, but sometimes you just cannot help it.

Once Reid has calmed down, I watch him sleep, thinking about those poor kids in Connecticut and how their parents must feel. That is what makes me feel like a big pile of crap. I know any one of them would trade me places in a heartbeat, and would be happy to have the screaming and crying of a very gassy baby.

Everyone in that tragedy was shot at least 3 times. THREE TIMES! All I can do when I'm not keeping busy with Hayleigh, Reid, and Allen, or any housework, is think about those poor kids trying to get away from that SOB, and seeing them huddle together, not knowing why it is all happening, and just wanting to go home to their families and have Christmas.  I really wish my mom would quit talking about it, but I join right in on it all. I don't think anyone can help it. We all are grateful it was not us, but are sick to death for the ones it did happen to. Last night, I was talking to my mom, she was watching the news... I REFUSE to watch it. She was telling me about how they now are saying the guy forced entry into the school, his mom did not work at the school, he had mental problems-obviously. She also was telling me about them telling the ambulances they could leave because they had to investigate the crime scene- so all of those babies laid there dead, for a few hours, while the parents at the fire house were being reunited with their kids, or sitting there in agony just wanting to hold their babies that were gone. Those families will not get to celebrate Christmas with their kids from now on. The presents they have all wrapped up under their trees that had great anticipation of being unwrapped Christmas morning to a little kid just beaming will never happen. Now those gifts just sit there- never to be enjoyed, but are now a burden. I see this happening to me- like I'm living it, wondering what would I be doing if I was them.

 I don't think any of us knows for sure what we would do. Being a parent makes things like this more real to you- you worry a lot more about your kids- as if you don't already enough. So, tonight, and every night after, when I feel like I'm about to pull my hair out with both kids screaming and crying, in the back of my mind I'll be grateful for what I have, no matter how stressful it may seem at the time.