Dreams, Pondering, and Feeling Surreal at 21 Weeks

With the time passing by soo quickly anymore, I have been thinking a lot lately of what is to come, and about how far we have really come in the last year. A year ago, we had no plans of trying to start a family - going to a specialist. Last year, I was worrying about what flowers were going in my flower beds for the year, and what color of mulch to switch to. Last year, I had no idea that we would be anywhere near where we are now. November seems like years ago to me now. The night we found out we were expecting.. I would love to go back and live that over again - since this has all flown by sooo fast! It is kind of funny, in November I was ready to be where I am now, 21 weeks, feeling the baby move when I wake up. Now, I would love to live it all over again, except the hung over feeling. I think I would try to savor it all more than I did, even though I really tried to live every moment of it all. All my married life, I have been waiting to make a test pop up with two pink lines, failing everytime. Now, we have passed that point, obviously, and now, I am waiting for stronger kicks,and that ultrasound on Friday! It is scary how fast your life can change in a year. I feel like I have mellowed into some sort of an anchor point in my life now. I am where I am supposed to be. Yet, I keep wondering where we will be in a year, 5 years, 10 years, and so on. When I was 12 years old, I dreamed of my life as something quite different. I thought I would move away to college, have an apartment, with a cat, get married, and that would be that. I never dreamed it would turn out like this, or be this sweet. I have a husband, who loves me despite any of my flaws, and I love him just as much. I never imagined that I would be soo in love still, or that I would have as strong as a marriage with my best friend as I do. I am pretty content with the way things are right now, even though there are a few bumps every now and then. I know everything will work out, as long as I have Allen by my side, and he has me.

The only other thing I have been thinking and wondering about lately, is how our future will be with both my parents, and Allen's parents being divorced with a new baby entering the picture. I know my parents never had to deal with things that Allen and I will with having divorced parents and your own family to raise. Allen feels the same way. It seems like there is no guide out there for how to blend a family with divorced grandparents to be. I wish that there was, so I could hand it out to a few people. I wonder about how they will interact with our kids, and what kind of a relationship they will have later. I have faith that they will be civil in front of the grand kids, and just really wonder what this will all be like later on. There are just some things that cannot be celebrated twice, their birth, graduations, birthdays, first communions, to Christmas. I just guess that I, we, worry about someone holding their pride above the grandchild that is before them, and miss out on special events in that child's life. I guess I hope that they will see what is fair for our kids, and not about who is at an event, to bringing up past events that do not matter now. I guess that my wish for the future is that everyone gets along, and no matter what happens, everyone keeps to heart what is fair and best for Baby M, not what they think is best for themselves. I know with some of the past months events that have happened, it makes me worry more and more about the future. I just don't want Baby M, or any future children to miss out on anything because, "Grandma", or "Grandpa" did not want to come, because they would have to spend time with the one they divorced years before.

I hope for the best like any other parent does, along with Allen for our child's future. I just hope it turns out better than I expected it would in the end.

Baby M this week:

How your baby's growing:
Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.