Baby G

I've been feeling a lot better lately about my last ultrasound- hoping to see more this coming Thursday which is also my mom's birthday too. I've been back on the baby name debate, and had started to reconsider using our name we had picked out for the last pregnancy, Charlotte Cecilia Rae. I think that name has now been laid to rest. People may think it's silly, or stupid for my reasoning, but this is my beef with that name. That name was for that baby. When I thought about using that name again, and really started to contemplate it, I started spotting this pregnancy. I don't know if any of you have seen the movie or read the book, Heaven is For Real, but I have. The part that struck me the most in that movie was when the little boy was in heaven, an older little girl came up to him and wouldn't stop hugging him. He asked her what her name was, and she didn't have one. (I'm bawling right now as I type this). Anyway, the little boy's parents had a miscarriage before they knew what gender the baby was- it was early on. I could go on and on about how that breaks my heart, but I won't, and how the movie goes on after that, but you will have to read the book, or watch the movie for yourself. Anyway, all I can think about is this little being up in heaven with no name, and us giving her name to another baby. I can't do it. I'm not going to go on and on about our baby Charlotte- we don't even know what the baby was, but I do know that name that was reserved for that baby, will not be used for this baby. I want that baby to at least have a name up in heaven even if they do not have anything showing they were here for how little of time it was. I feel bad I threw out almost everything- the pregnancy tests, the balloons from that pregnancy. But, I did save the announcement cards I had with my final blood draw. I just could not bear to have those things I tossed to remind me of something that ended so terrible. This time, I tucked the tests away in the cedar chest along with Hayleigh and Reids tests, and all my charts and treatment stuff. I already have a new name picked out- it just keeps coming to me- kind of like when you try on your wedding dress, you just know that it's the one. I just have to convince my husband of this name now, but I think we can compromise on it. This baby, I can already picture in my mind. I see a little girl with brown hair- I might be proven wrong on hair color, but I see a sweet little girl with brown curly hair. Either way, this is my Georgie baby- so fitting as to the antique baby doll my sister and I fought over my mom had I called baby George. So Georgie is going to make it, we will get to meet them, hopefully her next Spring. And I already have her middle name picked out as well, I will save as a surprise, but the initials also spell something just like Hayleigh and Reid's both do- I have goosebumps!

Late Night Pondering Off the Cloud and On the Ground Looking UP

I've been too anxious to be on here lately. There has been lots of things making me busy and have just been swirling around. My late night ponderings have steadily made me question everything I know. Just Monday, I started spotting. It ended up being a one time bathroom trip deal, but scared me to my core once again and knocked me onto my ass and off of my nice fluffy cloud I have been sitting on. Everything was fine until Wednesday morning, I woke up spotting once again. But this time it wasn't a one time deal- ended up lasting the whole day and evening. I was in a state of panic, thinking back to back in May when I spotted with my last pregnancy. I had booked an ultrasound for Thursday anyway, but had had enough to call in to get checked out that day. I scrambled the whole morning, and ended up having to take Hayleigh with me to the appointment right after she got out of preschool late. Reid was staying with a friend that I am thankful for and thankful I dropped him off before going to Hayleigh's preschool. I was so nerved up that I left my cell phone in the excursion. Hayleigh and I waited what seemed like forever- no phone to tell me what time it was. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her I was scared. She hugged me and told me I was alright that she had me and it would be okay- same thing I tell her when she's scared. I am thankful her class did get out late because my little four year old was there for me. We spent our time talking about her day at school. She told me she had fun and really likes her teacher. She loves playing with the toys there and drawing. I finally got called back, and my blood pressure was through the roof- 130/80.  I knew it would be. Hayleigh got a sucker and we went back to the room. We made small talk with the nurse, and waited forever again for the doctor to come in. She was very dry, and quick, and short. Not what I was needing right then. We saw the yolk sac and the sac, just not a baby yet. All we can do is go back in a week and see how things have progressed. I left feeling just as worried as before. The new receptionist didn't help in taking 10 minutes to figure out how to schedule my next appointment and cancel my one for the next day. I ended up finally making it home with both kids and taking a long nap, relaxing the rest of the night. I did consult the Internet and found that what I saw was very common, and I most likely ovulated very late this time. So, I haven't spotted today, and I'm trying to keep optimistic and as positive as I possibly can.

It's funny how all I ever worried about was getting pregnant. Pretty much, I didn't worry really as much as I do now to sustaining a pregnancy. I'm scared I am getting older, so my eggs are probably getting ehhh, I have joked to Allen that my uterus is now hostile. Used to, once that stupid stick had 2 lines or said positive, you were golden. Now.. I'm almost afraid to sneeze. It really amazes me how bedside manner is lacking in an area that is very sensitive. I am very anxious to switch to a midwife as soon as everything checks out. My past experience with OBGYNs has not been too great. My first tried to tell me I was too young to worry about infertility- I was young and it would happen- stupid MALE asshole. Second one was all up for diagnosing my infertility but his office had a crappy way of doing things- would not bill my insurance for diagnostics covered by my insurance and wanted me to pay in full up front over a thousand dollars. The specialist were great I dealt with, then I moved on to my first midwife. I LOVED her- she always remembered what we talked about- took great notes and care to know her patient. I had to see a OBGYN then before delivering just to have one on standby in case of surgery- she was cold, short, and dry. My midwife stayed the night with me laboring- not in the room, but checked on me often, and was there a few hours after I had Hayleigh. With Reid when I found out I was pregnant, she ordered tests, and followed up with me to make sure everything was fine. I moved out here to Colorado, and got another midwife- she was good- not as good as my first, but I was happy with her. Then I got pregnant in April, and my midwife was no longer here, so I decided to go with an OBGYN in her office that was on maternity leave. Decided to see an associate there- MALE doctor for my first couple appointments. Well, we can remember how that went. He blew me off, never even called or checked my charts or blood work he ordered- took a Friday off, and I still had to call him. I watched this same doctor that blew me off deliver a baby a little over a week ago. It was weird, and I didn't breath a word. I then went back to the same doctor that had been good to me and took care of business of what Male Dr. could not do, and she was very cold this time. I don't know where the personable part of being a doctor has went with all of these people. It is really sad that I'm guessing that their jobs have turned into just that a job... I'm just hoping and praying in the meanwhile that I make it though this all and get to switch to a midwife after we move.

I miss living on that cloud of not worrying or having to really worry about anything going wrong. Truth is I had been very lucky. Once we fall or have something bad hit us hard, it's hard to get back up and look at things the same way ever again.

Hayleigh's First Day of Pre-K

In all of this new baby, new to pre-k, possibly relocating, and crazy busy with photo sessions, I have managed to forgot to post about Hayleigh's first day of Pre-K.

Hayleigh's first day of Pre-K was hard...we got up early, got her ready with her new backpack. I had everything laid out from the night before, even the camera with all of her supplies. I almost bawled, she was so excited until we got there, and then she just stood still like a statue. Reid on the other hand made friends immediately, playing with 2 other boys with dinosaurs. He was beyond upset when we went to leave. Just having Reid home with me for the few hours made the house sooo quiet! We sat on the floor and played, then I finished a few edits from a previous session while updating everyone via phone about how Hayleigh did. When we did manage to pick Hayleigh up, she was very talkative, and exclaimed "MOMMY!" when she saw Reid and I in the doorway. She is getting better at it, and has become less shy with every day. She is such a big girl already, and it makes me so sad knowing this all went by too fast. I guess at least I still have Reid and then this baby on the way for me to finish soaking up all the baby days I can, while I still can. 

It really does scare me how it will all be someday when all of the kids are out of the house. I envision one of those moms on a movie that is so clingy, embarrasses the kids, and goes through extreme empty nest syndrome. I have pretty much given everything up just to be a mom, and stay at home with my kids.. photography has become the outlet to help try to keep from becoming clingy mom, and do something for myself.

 

 

Secrets, Hopes, and a BIG FAT TRAITOR! - Draft from October 2013...

Well, if you are reading this post, I did end up publishing it for a good reason.

I have a secret..or rather secret HOPE

For the past week and a half, I have felt like I haven't felt in almost a year- 10 months to be exact. I have had a lot of signs pointing in one direction, and from what at first freaked me out, turned into a secret hope that only Allen and I share until we know for sure.

Can you guess what it is? Well I'm sure you know by now, because I am planning on not publishing this until we announce the big news. So, for right now, September 28th, on a very late Friday night, I think, and have thought I am pregnant once again.

Yes, I realize Reid is only 10 months old. Yes, I realize that we said we were done. Yes, I realize we already have one boy and one girl. And, YES, I realize that I can potentially be crazy right now.

BUT, I can't help but hope that we were wrong about our family being complete, and we are making room for one more tiny sweet soul in our family.

Right now, I should almost be 4 weeks, and I know it is very early. I am having to wait to take a pregnancy test. I can smell everything, I'm bloated deluxe, my boobs look like I've had a boob job done, and I have been crampy, I'm craving chocolate, my nose is slightly stuffy, I'm exhausted, I have headaches all the time, with a few other tell tale signs... If I don't end up being pregnant, you will not be seeing this, and I will utterly feel completely crazy with this staying on hold in my drafts! So, if you are reading this, I am probably one of the happiest people in this world right now.

I realize with one more baby, it will mean one of the kids will have to share a room. At first, I was feeling down about this. BUT, we will not be living in this house in three years time, and we can find a house with 4 bedrooms to settle into by then. The kids can bunk up- after all my sister and I did until I was in 4th grade. We even shared a full sized bed, to which I am leaning towards if we have a girl, and after she is ready to come out of her crib. If it's a boy, we can get bunk beds, and we're set!

While this was not in our plans, I kind of feel like my heart has lead me here. Right now I am trying to come up with great things to do if that test turns positive to surprise Allen with, and other ways to tell our family- to which I am praying they are all excited and HAPPY about. I know with talking it over with the possibilities with Allen that we both have our hopes up for a baby to really be on the way. I think to us our kids are the most precious things in life we have. Well, they are not things, but are beings, but to us, they are the greatest treasures/gifts in this life that we have right next to our marriage.

On a different note. I am a traitor. I am a big fat traitor if you are reading this my fellow inferitiles. I am no longer an infertile. One, okay- with Hayleigh, I was, but now 2 kids - well one here, and one on the way.... Yeah, I feel like a total hypocrite, traitor, etc. I can no longer classify myself in that category. I have dealt with infertility, but it was just to get Hayleigh. I realize that I am a happy ending to infertility, and this does happen to other people all the time, but I just cannot help but feel for the ones I've left behind on this. I know others out there are struggling to get pregnant, and I didn't have to these past 2 times. I know that that is a real blessing, but... I don't know. I know it is very bittersweet for me is all.

The part that makes this the worst, and I mean the worst, was I was on the pill. I felt funny, and thought I might just be, and I stopped taking my pill after the date the baby would have been a done deal. I jinxed myself when I got off the mirena, after they asked me not once, not twice, but FIVE times if I was sure, and I kept saying put me on the pill light dose, I'm not Fertile Myrtle..... Inserting Foot in BIG fat Mouth! So, if I am pregnant, and you are reading this, we are waiting to see if I have the baby c-section or not. If I don't, Allen will be getting scheduled in right after baby is born to get fixed, otherwise, I will be getting fixed. I'm not even going to say a word about chances of either happening or anything- I've learned my lesson from the Mirena. So, yeah... I don't know what else to say. I just know that I wanted to say something now, before we knew exactly if it was a yes or no kind of deal. I wanted to remember what I felt right this moment. I feel completely anxious, hopeful, and extremely fearful that I am crazy- I'm imagining this all, and I am completely stupid to think otherwise. Because, if I really am not, I don't know if I can go back on that pill now.

All I can say is that I am really HOPING and PRAYING to be able to carry a sweet life once again- it is one of the biggest miracles in this world. To bring life into the world. I think when I've been pregnant, it has been the greatest feeling in this world to me, despite how uncomfortable, or in pain I have been at times. I feel the most beautiful pregnant - swollen ankles, belly and all. After all, bringing life into this world is the greatest thing I have done with my life. Those babies can change the world someday, and will bring love and happiness into this world as well.

If you are reading this, I know that someday this special life will also be reading it one day in the future. Just know you was loved from the moment we thought you was a real possibility and you was not once a regret or a mistake. You was made with love, and brought into a loving home, and we will love and cherish you every single day of our lives. See you soon- most likely in end of May, since neither your brother or sister wanted to wait to meet the world.

We love you sweet angel. 

Love, Mommy 

Another Draft From June... Through Good Times and Bad, We've made it through together~

Today was a good day. I laughed, cried happy tears, and got some stuff done. I'm feeling more upbeat today which feels so much better than grouchy blah. I heard from a friend that I've been emailing back and forth, and spent quite a bit of time playing with the kids. I did everything from reading up on the Saints to debating over getting holy water in the house to help get this cloud looming to move.

Tonight we decided to watch a different set of shows for a change- wedding gown search. While watching the shows it had me thinking back to when Allen and I got married going on 11 years this November. To think that the wedding was the big deal. Now, looking back it was just a small step in the big things. I definitely wish we had Pinterest back then- I think we would have gotten a wedding that more fit us on our budget- I think that most brides from back 5 years or more all can agree on that. I've been tempted to get out my wedding dress that is in a box preserved. I know there is no way I can fit that dress now which is okay. I certainly don't expect Hayleigh to wear my dress when she gets married someday, but what I do want is for her parents to still be in love and still married.

When we got married we thought that this marriage business would be a piece of cake. How hard could it be when we already took care of one another, supported one another, and after all we really loved each other and were best friends. No one tells you just how hard that first year is regardless of what your relationship was before. No one tells you how hard after that first year it will be and continue to get. I guess it's not that being married is hard. Life gets hard. Between bills, money, jobs, trying to even have kids, to having kids, working and working 13 hours away from your family... that's the hard stuff. I think it's the deciding that no matter what happens you will stick it out for each other, you will fight for each other, you will celebrate life and mourn it together. It's not easy, but you do it.

This past week I know I've told my husband at least a hundred times that I'm sorry for not being happy. I know he's hurt as well over the loss, but I think what hurts him most is that he cannot make the hurt of the loss go away or make it any less. I know on Tuesday when I was at that doctor's office by myself getting the D&C done that he wished he could be there to help me through it. He was scared for me- how it would change me, or hurt me. I made it out of it all just fine- better than I even thought I would but I think it was mainly because I had my mind set on the fact that I had to. I had to be okay not only for me, but for him and for the kids. I didn't have time to breakdown even if I wanted to. My husband relies on me to hold our home together while he is away working. It's nothing he has told me or we have talked about, but it's something I have to do for us and for our family.

I was looking at our wedding picture earlier thinking we looked like a newborn baby does. It is a fresh start. From that point on everything is new. Eleven years later we have plenty of hard times, and plenty of great times. Some of the hard times could have broken us- some almost did. But, during it all you learn to change with what life's throwing with you, and you cling to your partner while changing course. Having babies has been the most emotional parts of us being married by far. While we have had our share of fights, I think the hardest fights were us fighting ourselves. We tend to fight more when we are battling ourselves because it's hard to focus on your other half when you cannot even focus or get to terms with yourself. The other things life has thrown at us have been tough, but it was so much easier for us to cling to each other than the self battles we faced. All you can do when those battles hit is be there for your partner, and not leave their side no matter what, even if you have to take a step back and let them have their space you always stay there.

It really just amazes me how far we've come, how much we've changed, and how loving each other through the tough times seems to get easier as time goes by. I know it won't always be that easy to love one another, more hard times will come, but we look forward to the good times to come...Watching our kids grow up together, and being there together for them. I don't know what the future holds for us, but one thing I count on is us being together, still best friends and growing old together. I look forward to watching our kids someday get married and us being there together remembering the day we said our vows and hoping our kids have a strong marriage like we have had.