Another Draft From June... Through Good Times and Bad, We've made it through together~

Today was a good day. I laughed, cried happy tears, and got some stuff done. I'm feeling more upbeat today which feels so much better than grouchy blah. I heard from a friend that I've been emailing back and forth, and spent quite a bit of time playing with the kids. I did everything from reading up on the Saints to debating over getting holy water in the house to help get this cloud looming to move.

Tonight we decided to watch a different set of shows for a change- wedding gown search. While watching the shows it had me thinking back to when Allen and I got married going on 11 years this November. To think that the wedding was the big deal. Now, looking back it was just a small step in the big things. I definitely wish we had Pinterest back then- I think we would have gotten a wedding that more fit us on our budget- I think that most brides from back 5 years or more all can agree on that. I've been tempted to get out my wedding dress that is in a box preserved. I know there is no way I can fit that dress now which is okay. I certainly don't expect Hayleigh to wear my dress when she gets married someday, but what I do want is for her parents to still be in love and still married.

When we got married we thought that this marriage business would be a piece of cake. How hard could it be when we already took care of one another, supported one another, and after all we really loved each other and were best friends. No one tells you just how hard that first year is regardless of what your relationship was before. No one tells you how hard after that first year it will be and continue to get. I guess it's not that being married is hard. Life gets hard. Between bills, money, jobs, trying to even have kids, to having kids, working and working 13 hours away from your family... that's the hard stuff. I think it's the deciding that no matter what happens you will stick it out for each other, you will fight for each other, you will celebrate life and mourn it together. It's not easy, but you do it.

This past week I know I've told my husband at least a hundred times that I'm sorry for not being happy. I know he's hurt as well over the loss, but I think what hurts him most is that he cannot make the hurt of the loss go away or make it any less. I know on Tuesday when I was at that doctor's office by myself getting the D&C done that he wished he could be there to help me through it. He was scared for me- how it would change me, or hurt me. I made it out of it all just fine- better than I even thought I would but I think it was mainly because I had my mind set on the fact that I had to. I had to be okay not only for me, but for him and for the kids. I didn't have time to breakdown even if I wanted to. My husband relies on me to hold our home together while he is away working. It's nothing he has told me or we have talked about, but it's something I have to do for us and for our family.

I was looking at our wedding picture earlier thinking we looked like a newborn baby does. It is a fresh start. From that point on everything is new. Eleven years later we have plenty of hard times, and plenty of great times. Some of the hard times could have broken us- some almost did. But, during it all you learn to change with what life's throwing with you, and you cling to your partner while changing course. Having babies has been the most emotional parts of us being married by far. While we have had our share of fights, I think the hardest fights were us fighting ourselves. We tend to fight more when we are battling ourselves because it's hard to focus on your other half when you cannot even focus or get to terms with yourself. The other things life has thrown at us have been tough, but it was so much easier for us to cling to each other than the self battles we faced. All you can do when those battles hit is be there for your partner, and not leave their side no matter what, even if you have to take a step back and let them have their space you always stay there.

It really just amazes me how far we've come, how much we've changed, and how loving each other through the tough times seems to get easier as time goes by. I know it won't always be that easy to love one another, more hard times will come, but we look forward to the good times to come...Watching our kids grow up together, and being there together for them. I don't know what the future holds for us, but one thing I count on is us being together, still best friends and growing old together. I look forward to watching our kids someday get married and us being there together remembering the day we said our vows and hoping our kids have a strong marriage like we have had.