Another Draft From June... Through Good Times and Bad, We've made it through together~

Today was a good day. I laughed, cried happy tears, and got some stuff done. I'm feeling more upbeat today which feels so much better than grouchy blah. I heard from a friend that I've been emailing back and forth, and spent quite a bit of time playing with the kids. I did everything from reading up on the Saints to debating over getting holy water in the house to help get this cloud looming to move.

Tonight we decided to watch a different set of shows for a change- wedding gown search. While watching the shows it had me thinking back to when Allen and I got married going on 11 years this November. To think that the wedding was the big deal. Now, looking back it was just a small step in the big things. I definitely wish we had Pinterest back then- I think we would have gotten a wedding that more fit us on our budget- I think that most brides from back 5 years or more all can agree on that. I've been tempted to get out my wedding dress that is in a box preserved. I know there is no way I can fit that dress now which is okay. I certainly don't expect Hayleigh to wear my dress when she gets married someday, but what I do want is for her parents to still be in love and still married.

When we got married we thought that this marriage business would be a piece of cake. How hard could it be when we already took care of one another, supported one another, and after all we really loved each other and were best friends. No one tells you just how hard that first year is regardless of what your relationship was before. No one tells you how hard after that first year it will be and continue to get. I guess it's not that being married is hard. Life gets hard. Between bills, money, jobs, trying to even have kids, to having kids, working and working 13 hours away from your family... that's the hard stuff. I think it's the deciding that no matter what happens you will stick it out for each other, you will fight for each other, you will celebrate life and mourn it together. It's not easy, but you do it.

This past week I know I've told my husband at least a hundred times that I'm sorry for not being happy. I know he's hurt as well over the loss, but I think what hurts him most is that he cannot make the hurt of the loss go away or make it any less. I know on Tuesday when I was at that doctor's office by myself getting the D&C done that he wished he could be there to help me through it. He was scared for me- how it would change me, or hurt me. I made it out of it all just fine- better than I even thought I would but I think it was mainly because I had my mind set on the fact that I had to. I had to be okay not only for me, but for him and for the kids. I didn't have time to breakdown even if I wanted to. My husband relies on me to hold our home together while he is away working. It's nothing he has told me or we have talked about, but it's something I have to do for us and for our family.

I was looking at our wedding picture earlier thinking we looked like a newborn baby does. It is a fresh start. From that point on everything is new. Eleven years later we have plenty of hard times, and plenty of great times. Some of the hard times could have broken us- some almost did. But, during it all you learn to change with what life's throwing with you, and you cling to your partner while changing course. Having babies has been the most emotional parts of us being married by far. While we have had our share of fights, I think the hardest fights were us fighting ourselves. We tend to fight more when we are battling ourselves because it's hard to focus on your other half when you cannot even focus or get to terms with yourself. The other things life has thrown at us have been tough, but it was so much easier for us to cling to each other than the self battles we faced. All you can do when those battles hit is be there for your partner, and not leave their side no matter what, even if you have to take a step back and let them have their space you always stay there.

It really just amazes me how far we've come, how much we've changed, and how loving each other through the tough times seems to get easier as time goes by. I know it won't always be that easy to love one another, more hard times will come, but we look forward to the good times to come...Watching our kids grow up together, and being there together for them. I don't know what the future holds for us, but one thing I count on is us being together, still best friends and growing old together. I look forward to watching our kids someday get married and us being there together remembering the day we said our vows and hoping our kids have a strong marriage like we have had.

Rainbows - a post from July I've kept in my drafts until now

Funny how I thought the days of wanting a baby so very badly were gone. Here I sit once again 5 years later from the first time I was in the trying to conceive camp. I have to wait until this Sunday to test, and it is now Thursday. Only 4 people know about this right now, and let me tell you I'm going crazy waiting. I've joined 3 support groups just to vent and have left all 3 within the same week because everyone is soo focused on every single thing. Every possible symptom has me on edge. I know it is not likely that I'll get a positive test, but my hopes are sky high.

I used to not really worry a whole lot while pregnant or getting pregnant that something would be wrong with the baby. Now, I'm scared to death. I just want a happy and healthy baby. That's it.. just ONE more. Now granted if someone upstairs thinks this is funny and gives us two, then I'll still take it. I absolutely hate having to wait to find out. Hate it.

On one of the sites I joined there was a bit about rainbow babies. I'm not big all of these deals they all do- baby dust and all of that, but this did make me sit still and cry for just a minute. It perfectly describes what I feel like now- what I am hoping for. That hope is what has been keeping me going.
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.♥

I read that yesterday evening. Then, last night while lying in bed a thought struck me. (I was not even thinking of the rainbow baby poem. If we do get a baby, it will be considered a rainbow baby) My grandma always used to write in all of our birthday cards: ~"May there always be a rainbow in your heart to help make your dreams come true"... I'm really hoping Grandma was trying to tell me something last night.

I still have this little being pictured in my mind of who we are missing. We are still missing our Charlie. Plain and simple. Now whether we will ever get that little being is not determined yet that we know of. But I hold hope of my little Charlie bug for someday.

**While I was not pregnant after all in that moment in time, it is happening right now. I was so on edge and focused on too much- and it didn't happen. It never has for me when I've been so focused on every little detail. This past month, I made a point to keep myself busy- stressing over every single thing does not help you out one bit. I learned that after my second round of IUI that resulted with Hayleigh after spending the whole month avoiding all pregnancy related stuff. I just made sure I followed my drugs and the schedule, and did not stress over it all.  This time I completely threw myself into my photography- did the trick! Now, I'm just praying everything runs smoothly, but wanted to share this**

Dear Baby

To Our Sweet Little Angel,
It has almost been a whole week since we have found out that you are really there. While I'm so excited and anxious to get to see you on an ultrasound monitor and hear the sounds of your precious heartbeat, I worry for you and pray for you each and every day. I'm scared for you, and don't want to lose you like I did with the last baby back in June.. But if we wouldn't have lost that baby, there would be no you.  I've been watching what I eat, and taking my vitamins like I should and try to take it easy just for you. I've been dreaming of who you will be, and what you will look like. I'm sure you will probably look a lot like your brother and sister do- they look a lot alike, I'm still holding out for you to have dark hair like me like I dreamed about before Hayleigh as born. It doesn't really matter who you will look like- you are already loved so much. As anxious as I am to watch you grow, you are my last baby. I want to enjoy all this time with you as much as I can, because it will all be gone in a blink of an eye, and you will be walking and talking just like your brother is now- who grew up way too fast for me. Feel free to kick, bounce and roll around as much as you can while in my belly, because that will be one of the first things I will miss when you make it out here. I'm sure by the time we are in the final weeks of you making your grand appearance, I'll be changing my mind on this, but I mean it- bounce around all you can just so you can help me stay relaxed knowing your are doing just fine, and your brother and sister can see and feel you moving around too. I'm planning on getting a fetal Doppler so we can listen to your hiccups and heartbeat every day. Both Hayleigh and Reid are so excited- Hayleigh gives you hugs and kisses every morning and night. She says she will take care of you- help feed you, change your diapers, and play with you. Reid gets so excited saying Baby and pointing to my belly where you now live. Your Daddy is also so excited, but worries for you and me both, hoping you are healthy and everything goes smoothly. We are hopefully getting ready to relocate very soon to be with Daddy all the time- it will be nice to have Daddy home with us every day getting to watch you grow, and my belly grow, being able to go to our appointments, and not having to worry about him missing your grand entrance into this world. I know I've said I hope you are a girl, and feel deep down you are a girl, but if you come out being a boy, I'll love you just as much- even though dresses and girly stuff are more fun. I already have your crib, and car seat picked out, and your name if you are a girl. Above all, I hope and pray you are healthy, and keep growing and developing just fine and I can see you thriving in there very soon!

Love you to the moon and back~ Mommy

And there were 5.....

The day I've been waiting for... to spill some big beans. I'll go ahead and say it, then catch everyone up to speed second. We're expecting again!! Due April 2015.

So, basically since we lost the last baby the 2nd of June, and I had to go in for a D&C, we have been trying for another. It's not to replace the baby we lost at all. Right now, my hormones have been optimal for this, so it was do or die.. We have set a new record or trying for only 2 months- which to me is a huge shock. The past 2 (Reid and the baby we lost took 1-1/2 years and 9 months) We are both elated, and I really couldn't keep this in any longer. We found out exactly 5 years to the day we went in for our first round of IUI- kind of neat huh?

While I am so excited, I really am scared shitless. Since losing the past baby, it kind of sucked some of the joy out of finding out with this one. I'm still in denial this is happening. I did order Reid his big brother book, and have shirts for both of the kids, that I just could not bring myself to order last time. I'm determined that I will be thankful, joyful, and optimistic no matter how scared I feel deep down. I will be as happy with this one as I have with all of my pregnancies. This is a blessing, and no matter how scared I am of it going away, I still want everyone to know about a precious blessing/life that is starting now. I could have waited until I made it to 12 weeks, but that would be living in fear the whole time. Until the baby is born and is healthy and thriving outside of the womb, it is always a possibility that something can go wrong. Anyway, I have my first ultrasound on the 4th of September, and until then, I think I'll be on pins and needles. As much as I want our whole family there for that moment, it is not going to happen. Allen is gone until the 15th- to which I can schedule another follow up ultrasound... nothing like hearing the miracle of a baby's heartbeat.

I know this is kind of choppy, but I'm sitting here literally waiting for Reid to wake up so I can finish the pictures without blabbing it beforehand on facebook. It's just really nice to know that every night I prayed for this baby, and God answered that prayer. Both of the kids are excited, and Allen and I are over joyed for this new miracle.

 

 

Should I stay or should I go....

I have a problem that has become clear. It is 1:30 in the morning and I am not in bed enjoying snuggling with my hubby. It is hot in our bedroom, he is sweaty, snoring, and I love our bed- but not with him in it right now... what the hell has happened here??? Well, with him being gone for 2 weeks, and home for 1 week, I have grown accustomed to having the WHOLE bed to MYSELF. When it is just me in there it is cool, the bed curves to me only and I am soo snuggled in, blankets all stay in one place with sheets all staying tucked in hospital corner style. I also don't cook much anymore- only a few times a week do I with just me and the kids- I'm talkin mac n cheese, spaghetti, meatloaf or goulash are a BIG deal here. I cook and clean every day Allen is here, and frankly I've gotten to where I don't know how other "moms" out there do it every.single.day.... Something is really wrong with that....

Let me take you back a day on this all. Sunday night I think Allen and I reached an epiphany. He is now driving back here by himself, no partner to help drive back and forth since his partner got switched to another crew/rotation. Now, Allen has to make the 12-13 hour drive in GOOD weather by himself. This used to not even be a problem. When we first moved out here, there was a direct company flight that left here on Sunday morning, and flew in on Monday afternoon at 2pm. It was wonderful- picking him up here at our airport in the private plane sector. His crew got split up- he is the last original guy left on Silver Crew from his Grand Junction crew. They moved the flight to just Denver around the time Reid was born since they lost people from here, and people on the flight. Now, Allen can drive to Denver to catch that flight if he wanted- it doesn't get into Denver until 6pm- which puts him home around 930-10pm on Monday night in good weather across the slope, and he leaves out 7 am-ish on Monday morning. It's a hassle, and he loses time here with us with it.

So, where does this all lead us.... to somewhere I swore we would never go. After Allen was leaving North Dakota after working all day, we were both expressing how much we hated his drive. Then I think we both kind of just broke down on it all. Our lease is now up- we are free to move around. We love this area a lot but.........He's gone 2 weeks, then driving 30 hours round trip to and from us. We are fine with the schedule- we make it work. What if we gave up a few things for making some things not so hard though???

Halliburton has housing for families, and just workers. They have man camps- basically a dorm like setting that is free for employess to live there. It is noisy, people coming and going at all hours- it's kind of like a dorm/hotel deal. A "maid" comes and cleans your room, so you have no real privacy. But it's free- which is great. They also serve food for free- cafeteria style- after a week you're burnt out. 

Then, they have the townhouse housing for employees to share- that is what Allen does. For $275 a month, you can have you're own private master bedroom with bathroom- has a lock key card like a hotel to get in- so it stays locked, they share a garage, kitchen, 2 living rooms, and a dining room, laundry room, and outdoor patio. All utilities are paid- including cable and internet, and it is fully furnished with 4 guys living there. It is really nice- we visited Allen's back when he only had 1 room mate. Right now his townhouse is full- but they are all clean, and cook together. I joke one of the guys is Allen's work husband- he keeps the place stocked up with scented candles and air freshners, brought in more curtains, and rugs. I promise the guy is not gay- he is just pretty picky on what he likes. They all share 2 grills they have brought there, and grill out a lot. It's nice and Allen really likes it over the man camp even if he has to do his own cooking. The only thing they do not like is they have cleaners come every other week that go into their rooms- just to vacuum and mop the bathroom floor. With these guys, it is not needed, and the people who do this snoop and spy on the guys- the maintenance guy was thought to have come in on a day he was not on, and $400 cash went missing from scented candle guy's room. It was a big to do, and the ladies were called in and were complaining how guys up there had hookers, and were messy, had drugs.... which we know for a fact was not going on in this townhouse. sigh.... anyway......

Then for families, there are 3 types of housing. There is Halliwood- the apartment complex everyone has dubbed the name Halliwood. It is a huge apartment that has 3 bedrooms- all with their own bathrooms. The key card has been disabled from all of the doors- it was orig. set up like the townhomes, but so many families were moving up there, so the apartments switched to family only. They cost around $1200 a month. It is a cesspool for gossip, colds, and just drama. That's what I hear anyway since I would say 90% of the women are stay at home wives. I believe their utilities are included except for cable/internet there. They do have a garage area- one car slot and is open, not private to all who live there. It is actually right across the field from Allen.

They then have 2 levels for mainly supervisors and service leaders- the townhomes and houses. The townhomes are supervisors for the most part with their families. I believe they run the same as the apartment, and some utilities are included. I think the same as the apartments- but not completely sure. They do not have a fenced in yard- basically they are unfurnished versions of Allen's, but just a family occupies it instead of room mates. They are 3-4 bedroom and have their own bathrooms I believe as well. They have a park right in the neighborhood- something we do not have here, and a dog park as well.

Then there are the houses. Those are service leader only. They are very limited, but have their own fenced in backyard, and I believe run the same as the townhouses- just a house. Same deal with them on utilities as well I believe. 

So, as you can see we have an option here... no, not the apartment. Allen's supervisor title should be done and through when he goes back up this Sunday. We are currently checking into getting into a townhome as it seems. This is where our talking lead to.  I know we've went on about how much harder it would be to live with Allen- he is on a night one week/day the next work rotation. The kids would have to stay quiet, and he would not get to see us but a few hours a day. That was our main reason for staying here- it was just easier- we had our own schedules. But... the bedrooms are all upstairs, unlike the apartments to which the bigger problems with noise really are with bedrooms being on the same level with a family. The kids really don't get loud through the day and Hayleigh will be in kindergarten next year.  It would be nice for Allen not to have to take the extra time to cook and do his laundry- getting up earlier for those- I would already have them done, and we would get more than 30 minutes a day on the phone talking. We really do love it here in Colorado- not saying we would never come back. We have plans in our near future- 2-3 years for Allen to switch gears and move up. We are living in our rent house as a temporary thing... and quite frankly it's getting pretty old here. We need way more storage than what we currently have- there is hardly much, and it is very small- but cheap on rent for here.  I really do not like our neighborhood, but it's not terrible. People just really do not take care of their places here, and I HATE that neighbor's barking dog that apparently no one can do anything with. I think pretty much the only things we do not like here are our house, the area the house is in, the time away from Allen, and the drive. We do not have family here, there is no longer a company flight, and Allen's crew is not all here- like it was when we first came here- our reason for moving here to begin with. Now, we do love this area- the city, the amenities, the scenery, things and places to do and see, and it has 3 great hospitals. It is very clean for it's size, and has great private schools. The parts we like, we would be giving up. The grocery shopping, just shopping availability in general, the restaurants, and things and places to see/do would be cut. The closest place to go to a mall and Sams club is a 2 hour drive- about like back in Illinois what we had there. But, we would gain seeing Allen every day, him not driving almost 2 days worth every month, we would save over $800 a month without the double rent and the travel expense, not to mention the wear and tear on a vehicle with the insane mileage that is being put on it. Allen would have meals already cooked for him, see us, have his laundry done, and not being spending time driving and missing us.

What to do..... After saying the things we would gain out loud Sunday night, I kind of got sold on the townhome deal. IT IS NOT PERMANENT. That is what I keep thinking over and over again. The kids and I really don't get out much at all. I don't go to the mall hardly at all- mainly when Allen is home- but once every 3 months or so. They do have bad winters up there, I go back to tornado area- we do not get them here and I LOVE that, the town is still growing- they have a new rec center that is open all year round, new bigger hospital, but eating out is not good- service is horrible, the traffic is thick and crazy, shopping at Walmart is like shopping in a third world country- everything is left out on pallets all the time. I have Amazon, and at least do not go shopping much, and we already don't get out much. Some of Allen's crew live up there, and I could have more friends there that are on the same rotation, and same company/line of work. My photography business could be moved with no problem as well, since I am not established here yet. The only things I really worry about is the school situation- we would do private, and the doctor situation. I know there will be more dog walking, and bundling up. But to me the trade off would be better than what we have now. AND I would get used to sharing a bed once again...

Nothing is set, and nothing will be happening soon. I'm sure there is a waiting list- but it's all who you know up there and who you are. Allen is moving up very fast there, and his second level service leader really does help Allen get things moved along. So, who knows what will happen. I'm sure we will probably be spending Christmas here, and maybe much more time than that, but at least we are free from a lease and free to make changes if we would like to.

~ just some late night thoughts coming from she who does not share a bed well......