About Me

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Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Rainbows - a post from July I've kept in my drafts until now

Funny how I thought the days of wanting a baby so very badly were gone. Here I sit once again 5 years later from the first time I was in the trying to conceive camp. I have to wait until this Sunday to test, and it is now Thursday. Only 4 people know about this right now, and let me tell you I'm going crazy waiting. I've joined 3 support groups just to vent and have left all 3 within the same week because everyone is soo focused on every single thing. Every possible symptom has me on edge. I know it is not likely that I'll get a positive test, but my hopes are sky high.

I used to not really worry a whole lot while pregnant or getting pregnant that something would be wrong with the baby. Now, I'm scared to death. I just want a happy and healthy baby. That's it.. just ONE more. Now granted if someone upstairs thinks this is funny and gives us two, then I'll still take it. I absolutely hate having to wait to find out. Hate it.

On one of the sites I joined there was a bit about rainbow babies. I'm not big all of these deals they all do- baby dust and all of that, but this did make me sit still and cry for just a minute. It perfectly describes what I feel like now- what I am hoping for. That hope is what has been keeping me going.
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.♥

I read that yesterday evening. Then, last night while lying in bed a thought struck me. (I was not even thinking of the rainbow baby poem. If we do get a baby, it will be considered a rainbow baby) My grandma always used to write in all of our birthday cards: ~"May there always be a rainbow in your heart to help make your dreams come true"... I'm really hoping Grandma was trying to tell me something last night.

I still have this little being pictured in my mind of who we are missing. We are still missing our Charlie. Plain and simple. Now whether we will ever get that little being is not determined yet that we know of. But I hold hope of my little Charlie bug for someday.

**While I was not pregnant after all in that moment in time, it is happening right now. I was so on edge and focused on too much- and it didn't happen. It never has for me when I've been so focused on every little detail. This past month, I made a point to keep myself busy- stressing over every single thing does not help you out one bit. I learned that after my second round of IUI that resulted with Hayleigh after spending the whole month avoiding all pregnancy related stuff. I just made sure I followed my drugs and the schedule, and did not stress over it all.  This time I completely threw myself into my photography- did the trick! Now, I'm just praying everything runs smoothly, but wanted to share this**

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