Say Cheese to the New Baby!

I know it's been a really long time since I've last been on here. We have been busy, and I haven't really had much to say. 

Last Fall, Allen forbid me from setting up another photo session with another photographer. He was sick of paying out the wazoo for pictures to be taken and sick of me whining about how unhappy I was with either the quality of the pictures/editing we were getting for the amount we were paying- not to mention how much it was to purchase pictures out here was ridiculous. $40 for ONE 5x7 print. ONE... And having the deadlines of having to order within 2 weeks or have to pay a fee to have the pictures archived. SMH... sick of it all. 

Well, Allen got a well bonus finally again last month. First on the list since it was my birthday- a new DSLR camera to put an end to the price gouging pictures. I do have to say I know people work very hard on editing and taking pictures but when your price for a 5x7 is 13 times marked up from what I order the same quality from the same lab is getting a little absurd. I know time is money, and people value their time, but why make your customers go broke over ordering pictures? 

Anyway, off track. I had my eye on a Nikon D7100 DSLR. LOVED it- but the price. It runs $1100 for the body only right now. I am just learning on my first DSLR, and felt that we should not put that much into a new camera when I could upgrade in a few years if I really enjoyed taking our own pictures, and my skills improved to support the idea of upgrading to an more expensive camera. I did more researching and came up with the Nikon D5200. I settled upon this one since it was a notch bellow the D7100 and there were not many differences between the two that I would be able to notice since I am just learning all of this. We ended up finding the best deal at Sam's club of all places. They are running a bundle for the camera body with 2 lens, a SD card and camera bag for only $899. We checked on Best Buy and they were $749 for the camera body with 1 lens- no SD card or extra lens and bag. The same lens that was included in the bundle at Sam's was over $200 at Best Buy- that sold the deal.

 Allen went back to Sam's and came home with my new camera. I have never been so excited or nervous in my life but for a few other times I can remember- bringing Hayleigh home from the hospital being one of them. This new camera after all was like having my first new baby home. I had the manual, but just setting it all up was a little nerve racking. I didn't want to break this thing! After going through my hoards of pinning on DSLR cameras and mine specifically, I started experimenting with it. I even bought 2 new backdrops with a backdrop stand- not having a clue what size I really needed to order when ordering my backdrops. I learned how to shoot in RAW with JPEG- a lot harder figuring out settings with the camera in hand over just reading about it all thinking how simple it all would be. 

I'm still learning a lot, and still have a desktop that we will need to purchase- going with a MAC of course, and I also need to add Photoshop to the list since using Picasa for the time being is just okay- but does a decent job for now. 

I sat down for 5 minutes with Hayleigh and one of the backdrops today to just try it out. I have never been so proud of myself- especially when starting something so new. I'm grateful for those high priced photographers- and for me paying attention to what they did- using natural light with backgrounds being one of them. Now, I have a new hobby I really enjoy that benefits our family- saving money with the possibility of taking pictures on the side for additional income especially when both kids get in school in a few years. I now can continue to add memories onto our walls without using my iPhone and save us lots of money! Today I captured 29 pictures after editing I was very happy with. Today's session if I would have went to someone back in Illinois would have cost us at least $60 and a wait time of a week at least. I did it for free- or deduct amount from camera price and backdrops stuff, and did it in 5 minutes with an hour of my time to edit on my own. 

I'm really hoping this can blossom into something just a little bit more- something for me to grow into and be proud of someday. I have been contemplating business names, creating a wish list for props and backdrops, and just excited for what I can do for my close friends and family. 

The two names I have so far is Ashley McCann Photography, or Sweetpea McCann Photography/ Sweet P Photography... I don't know, and for the time being I'll focus on just learning as much as I can and taking as many pictures of my favorite people enjoying it all. If one of those names does stick out as a good name, please let me know- everything I come up with in my head sounds silly. Please help me get this baby named! 

It's Good Enough in the Hole

Today has already started out rocky. It all started to waking up with a headache, then getting yelled at, screamed at, peed on, and it doesn't end there. We took a bag of clothes to a family in need this morning- something that should make you feel completely wonderful, but my balloon has been busted for the day I'm afraid. We got home and I checked the mailbox. We got a few Christmas cards, and 2 packages. One was Hayleigh's anywhere chair cover that I've been anxiously awaiting, the other a sweater for Missy. Neither one was the right size, and of course when I got online I found that I had been the one who ordered wrong. Oh, and it doesn't end there.

We just found out today that Allen will be only getting his one week off- making traveling back to Illinois impossible. Not only is it impossible, but Allen really doesn't want to spend his whole week traveling for just a day and a half to 2 days to relax for Christmas, and we are both at our wits end with having traveled back there 5 times this year, and none of our family traveling out here for us. Makes me feel real special. Traveling with 2 kids under the age of 3 is hard- so hard I don't think anyone really understands this especially since 4 out of the 5 of those trip were me solo. Flying has been the worst, but driving is tiring and the kids get stir crazy over the 19 hour drive one way. Not only is this all tiring, but it also gets expensive too, and Allen absolutely HATES me having to travel by myself, or that I'm doing all the traveling for everyone else. I understand that we moved here away from everyone else, BUT this is our home. Even IF I drove back with the kids by myself, and had Allen fly in, he would still only get 4 days with us for Christmas and I hate to see what airline tickets would even begin to cost now, and he is absolutely set on not traveling the whole week of Christmas to not get to enjoy it with the kids.

 I don't think many understand that we would love for them to come and visit us- Hayleigh would love to show her room off, and do things here since there are lots of things to do. But we sat here Thanksgiving with no family- just a few friends we have made here, and it will be the same with Christmas as well. It really would be nice for us to have our own Christmas in our own home.

I'm just ready to hide in a hole today. Nothing I have done lately seems to make anyone happy or seems to be good enough. I'm stretched beyond myself now, and I'm washing my hands of it all. I can only do so much, be so many places at once, and just be myself. If that is not good enough for everyone, they will just have to deal with it, because I'm tired of carrying it all on myself. I've sent emails with links to this since trying to tell everyone over the phone today would just result in people being mad and cranky with me. I really can't do anything about this all, I know how much it throws a kink in everyone's plans, but PLEASE for my sake of my sanity do not make this any harder on us than it has to be. The only thing we can do is to rearrange plans and move forward because I really don't want to spend the rest of the Christmas Season with people mad at us, and us sitting here trying to put on happy faces for the kids when our spirit isn't into it.

A Thankful Heart

Okay, it has been a REALLY LONG time, I know! I know! Since the time has passed, we have had a visit to Illinois, I have started using Plexus and selling it, Reid has turned 1 whole year old, Allen and I celebrated 10 years of marriage, and we have been preparing for Christmas. I know I missed ALL of November.

We have been soo busy, that the blog was the one that suffered. I've been looking and pinning soo much on Pinterest lately to make Christmas really great this year. I have crafts upon crafts for the kids to do, random acts of kindness in progress, and purchased our first Elf on a Shelf- plush edition one.

The kids and I have already been watching Christmas movies, baking cookies, and cleaning. Allen will soon be home in the morning, and it's like Christmas for me! We have really missed him, especially Thanksgiving. I have the Macy's parade recorded for him to watch with us- our tradition. This was the very first Thanksgiving we have ever spent apart. Last year Reid was just born, so we were able to be together since he was already home for Reid. Next year I believe if he is working, we will be bringing Thanksgiving to him. I thought of this of course the morning of Thanksgiving, otherwise we could have packed up and headed up to him.

We have our 3 Christmas trees up now, and the house is soo festive! This year I have been more at peace with things, and the Christmas spirit has really been strong for me. I'm getting excited over our random acts of kindness we will be doing. I have an infant coat with a couple of shirts on the Mom Swap page for our town, looking for someone in need right now. We donated to Salvation Army bell ringer at Walmart last night at Walmart when we went to leave. Of course Hayleigh and I had a talk with Reid- he's still young for this. Hayleigh and I talked about how other mommies and daddies of kids are having hard times right now, and don't have much food, warm clothes, and toys, and how donating the change we usually put in the piggy bank could help out, and help give Christmas to other kids and families. Makes me cry about it now as well as it did then. She was very concerned about other kids not having Christmas, and being cold and not having much food. Makes me soo proud of her for caring about others. I gave each of them the money we had saved, and we went straight up to the bell ringer. I first held Hayleigh up, and she put the money into the red pot, telling the bell ringer "There you go!" and he told her Thank you, to which my polite little gal gave him a hug and told him You're Welcome. I picked Reid up out of the cart, and helped him. He was very amused with what was going on, and both were happy to receive candy in return for their good deeds. Hayleigh the whole way back to the car was telling me about the mommies and daddies getting food, clothes, and toys. She was gabbing about Christmas for kids, and let me tell you I wanted to bawl right then. She has such a big heart! Reid was content with his new sucker and kept holding it up to me to show me it.

I swear, the older I get the more I cry happy and sad tears. I think I cry every day. I am soo proud of our kids, and how they treat others. It really breaks my heart to know that other kids out there the same age as ours are going without. Some are going without because they have a single parent that is working all that they can but cannot afford much. Some are obviously on drugs and neglecting their kids. All the same, it really makes me really sad. We saw a guy standing on the corner of a stop light, holding a sign in the cold rain close to dark. Hayleigh asked me what he was doing. I told her he was begging for money- that he was in need. Of course I couldn't stop and give to him with just me and the kids in the car. I feel sorry for these people, but I am not risking our family's safety. Maybe when Allen gets home we can order a couple dollar menu sandwiches and give those out with him with us.

I am very Thankful for everything we have, the warm nice home to stay in, warm clothes to wear, and the food in our pantry. I am glad our kids are growing up being thankful and giving as well.

Knocking the Pedestal Out

I really hate writing things like this.
Things that make me really sad.

I know my family is split up. It's something that has taken me a LONG time to get over, lots of tears, and anger. I have finally come to terms that it was for the best, even though I could not see it for quite a while- going on 15 years this winter now.

I've seen other families like mine- one of the parents remarries, the kids hate the new step parent, and it all just goes apart from there. There have been others that can blend a family and you would never know that there had ever been hurt, tears, or divorce in that mix. I wish I had the latter of the two personally.

My family is the one where our relationship with our dad was pretty much gone after the first few years after the remarriage. It doesn't mean that we did not try, or attempt to keep a relationship with our dad. After all, after having kids, I wanted my dad to be a part of their lives, and thought that with the kids, it would kind of rekindle the fire.

Some people may be reading this that know me, and our family, and not understand how I can look at my dad like this, like I should be grateful to have my dad in our lives. Or that he is such a great guy, he couldn't possibly be like that- she's just burnt, and taking it out on the poor guy.

WELLLLLLLL... NO.

When I got married to Allen, we basically had to a year before we originally planned to because my dad decided to just get married, and it was either I live in the garage, or move out. I was moving out to the garage- trying to make it work. I come home the night that Dad had come back from his wedding/honeymoon that did not include my sister or I, to the whole garage full of my stuff from my room- just thrown out. From there, we planned our wedding in 30 days while I stayed with my mom. I didn't even get the chance I was willing to try to make. So, I walked down that aisle to marry Allen by myself.

Fast forward to 6 years from then, I was trying to move past what they had done. They were all included in what was one of the most important times of our lives- I was pregnant with Hayleigh. At the hospital in labor with her, I was on pain medication after giving in 9 hours later. I sat there feeling soo drunk, but pain free. I was goofy, and talking out of my head. My mom ended up making them leave after they had been doing nothing but making fun of me, and my mom thought it was getting out of hand. Of course I don't remember this, but Allen says it really happened.

Things went okay, until after Hayleigh turned a year old- Dad finally calls us and tells us he is done, he is sorry, and he is getting a divorce. Of course after telling my dad we loved him, and supported him, he changes his mind.

Things have yet to be the same. I now understand why some kids decide to distance themselves away from their parents after a divorce. When a parent doesn't put their kids first, and decides to just start a new family since it is easier not to make his bride unhappy, you can chose one of two things. You can sit there and try to suck it up, and make an effort for your parent who is not willing to do the same for you, or just quit trying.

We all want our parents to be proud of us- we want to please them. One of the greatest accomplishments in my life has been bringing our kids into the world. I would like to think that it would be something really celebrated by the new grandparent as well.

Well, after today, I finally got it. I finally just let it all go. It is not my job to keep anyone in our lives. I can put forth effort, but if the effort isn't returned, or it is just an after thought, then I have to cut my losses. I've been slowly coming to terms with this is the way things are, and to move on and be happy. I am happy- really happy. It just makes me sad to a point when my dad calls to see what we are up to, and I go over the plans for the next few weeks, which include a visit back in Illinois. Now keep in mind I talk to this man at least once every 2 weeks. I have told him things and he has acknowledged them. But when I tell him about celebrating Reid's birthday, and he asks if he is turning TWO.... I shake my head, and smack my forehead with my hand. NO it will be Reid's 1st birthday. I'm sure people I don't even talk to know this. Then after I correct him, he asks how old Hayleigh will be....are we even on the same planet? We talk a little longer, and he forgot Hayleigh was potty trained- has been for almost a year now.

I know that this is not very nice, but I've had enough. I'm sick of a lot of my mom's family still holding him up on  a pedestal when this is all going on, and he is telling them things about my sister and I he has absolutely NO CLUE what he is talking about. My kids deserve a lot better in their grandpa. I don't know who would openly say that it would not bother them that their dad cannot remember anything about his only 2 grandkids. He doesn't even know them, and to miss out on two great kids like Hayleigh and Reid is just sad.

It's not my fault, and I will not be the one with regrets one day.

Leaving the Cave

I swear time has been sprinting right by us lately. The day is already a new now, as it is 1 am as I type. I feel as though I have to ramble on and on about different things just to keep up on here. Pictures are falling to the wayside, as it is a pain to upload them on here, since I'm either on my iphone, or Allen's ipad most of the time anymore. This to me is quite funny because I hated his ipad when he got it last Thanksgiving, and I mean I HATED it. Now, I'm missing it while he is gone, and dreaming of getting one of my very own, or his handed down to me along with my new camera and other snazzy gadgets to come.

The past few nights have been exhausting. Reid is cutting 2 new teeth right now- both up on top. He has been really fussy and grumpy throughout the day. I've been giving him pain medicine and benedryl along with Hayleigh since the weather has been changing here, and our allergies are all flared up. Such a different baby Reid is than Hayleigh. They are both night and day as far as babies go. Hayleigh was my perfect little angel that slept through the night from 5 wks on, never fussed unless something was really bothering her, and was always a happy baby. Teething wasn't even an issue. We woke up and she had teeth.. that was it. Reid....my little Reid. Ummm... he is up at least once through the night still. Teething has been a challenge. He's not as bad as some other babies I've heard of had been, but he's difficult. His fussiness for not being able to do what he wants has been very difficult. When we go out to eat, or just in public, unless he is sitting next to Hayleigh in one of those car carts, he is moody. He has been trying to feed himself lately, and it is a mess. Complete mess. He is a very messy little boy. He tries to experience food all that he can I guess. You hand him something to eat, trying to put it straight into his mouth, he spits it out into his hands to study it. He then is mushing it with his hands, feeling the texture, then he attempts to put it back into his mouth, usually missing. I realize he will have to learn this all on his own, but the pile he is leaving for me to pick up at each restaurant is getting ridiculous.

Reid for the first time last night, asked for his ba ba. I almost cried right then. He is growing so fast, and I cannot slow it down at all. He is already almost 11 months old, and I'm not even close to having his birthday party planned, and I'm starting to wig out about it a bit. I am sure I will go into panic mode within the next few weeks and try to get everything ready. I still have no clue where we will be having it, since unlike Hayleigh's big first birthday, I'm kind of wanting something more small. I always get a little carried away with parties, so I'm sure I'll have a big party before I'm done...or parties I should really say. We will be doing one back in Illinois, and one here in Colorado, since Allen will be working during the Illinois one, and we plan on having his party here on his actual birthday when Allen will also be home.

Other than trying to keep the kids happy, I'm trying to keep me happy. I've been making friends~ YAY! We have been getting out of the house more than a once a week- that is real progress! I'm trying, trying really hard. I've got the doctor visits set up, and dance lessons scheduled to start for Hayleigh. I've been trying to get everyone up and dressed, and makeup on me as well everyday.. something to help keep the blahs away.

Christmas shopping has been in the works- little by little. I'm finding that Reid is very hard to shop for compared to Hayleigh. I swear his age is really a hard age to buy for- and I still have to buy or figure out what to get him for his birthday that we either don't already have, or he will actually like. I'm stumped right now. For Hayleigh's first birthday, we got her a cozy coupe in pink. There is a truck that I love, but I don't think he is ready for yet- Hayleigh didn't start using her car until she was almost 2. We just bought him an activity table, and moved his jumper out. He plays with a lot of Hayleigh's toys, so I just don't know what to get him without getting him girly things he tries to steal from his sister's room that are just neat to him. I think the whole appeal in the girly stuff lies within Hayleigh yelling at him in her doorway not to come in her room, and not to take her toys when he is already in her room.

In the past few weeks, we have managed to go on walks, to school playgrounds, to Fall Fest in Fruita, and I scored a like new play house for the kids for $50 that costs $200 new. Allen bought a dirt bike, and has been learning how to ride it along with finding new accessories for it as well. We've rented a few movies- The Croods has been our favorite so far. We have also had our second set of friends over to the house as well for supper. Last year we didn't have anyone over, so I'm getting excited about future cookouts and parties. Ohh! How could I forget we got our first light snow that didn't stick. But, we have been AC free for the past 2 weeks now, and have had the heat on for at night as well. It's been nice and chilly here- in low 30s at night and 50s-low 70s through the day... I LOVE IT! We also made our first trip to Montrose and through Olathe this past week to attend a cookout of one of Allen's old coworkers. We also went on a trip to Glenwood Spgs to meet up with my aunt and cousin, and got to see the caves and ride some neat rides. I brought home some souvenirs and the kids each picked out something as a gift from my aunt and cousin. Hayleigh picked out a cocker spaniel stuffed dog. She loves it, and has slept with it every night since getting it. It is her #1 toy to cuddle at night now amongst the many toys she fills the other half of her bed with. Reid got a moose hat that is simply adorable, and he loves to sit and pet his head with it on. We also got to attend one other house warming cookout with our friends- minus Allen after our Glenwood trip. We had a great time, and Hayleigh managed to hug and kiss everyone good bye before we left. I swear she is pure sugar somedays.

Anyway, I'll try to get on a computer soon, and get some pictures of the kids posted. We have been busy at least, and have almost 2 whole weeks before Allen gets to come back home to us. I'm ready for him to get here, since I've had a pumpkin patch trip planned for weeks now.