About Me

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Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

From Hell and Back

I started this post last week- on Thursday, my second blood draw day....

You know after I finally had Hayleigh, followed shortly by Reid, I never thought I would ever feel the way I did when we were trying to get pregnant with Hayleigh. Rage. Anger. Helpless. Losing My Faith in God. Some of my darkest days were after our first failed IUI in August 2009. I was so angry with EVERYTHING, and I do mean everything. Allen and I fought more just because I was like a bomb- getting ready to go off at the slightest thing. I was very angry with God- pretty much lost all of my faith- I still haven't really gotten back to where I was before all of this started. This went on until November 14, 2009 at 1:30 am when I was completely in denial those two weeks before that the second round of IUI would even work. When I saw those two pink lines show up on that test, I was in shock. My fighting was over. Then when we first saw Hayleigh on our 5wk, 7wk, and 9wk ultrasounds, and got to hear her heartbeat, all of that pain and anger was pretty much gone.

When I found out I was pregnant again on April Fool's Day, without Allen home with me since he had just started his new job with Halliburton in ND, I was in udder shock. My faith came up even more, and God finally had a sense of humor and this was my reward for all of those years of nothing, and all of the heartache. I never worried about anything being wrong with Reid in the beginning. I just knew everything would be just fine. I did have to fight other demons with my family instead, since we were moving away. I lost a lot I had gained in my relationship with my mom the day Hayleigh and I told her Hayleigh was to be a big sister. We had a few scares with Reid along the way, including the moment he was born he was purple blue because the cord was wrapped so tightly around his neck. I still worry about how that affected him to this day. I know he is just fine, but I still worry for him.

Fast forward to almost 5 years later, on this past Tuesday, those feelings of anger, rage, helplessness, and being very angry with God resurfaced. Like I said, I didn't think I would feel that way or could feel that way again with having a failed pregnancy again.

I worried about this pregnancy and I found myself praying constantly for this baby to grow strong and healthy. I would rub my belly with my budding baby bump and talk to it, sure that that was our little girl. She would grow to be my mini me. Strong and sassy, not as girly as her big sister Hayleigh, but she would be the final piece and I could see the three of them all playing under a blanket fort giggling like Hayleigh and Reid do now. She would be my Charlie girl. Even if Hayleigh didn't want to do sports or hunt, my little Charlie girl would, and she would have such a great relationship with Hayleigh and Reid. They would all three love each other and look out for one another. That all changed Tuesday when I walked into that doctors office, just having a feeling that something was wrong.

On Tuesday, everything was going well. We checked on getting Allen some new tires for his truck since he really needed new ones. He checked on some new rims and got a great deal at over 50% off of a set that someone had ordered, then didn't like and didn't end up buying. We left the truck at the tire shop to go get some lunch and then go to my 10wk checkup we had waited a month for. From the time we got to that place everything felt off. The ultrasound tech came and got us, and from the very first word she said, I knew her attitude would make the whole appointment not very fun. We got back into the room, I started to get our camera ready to video so all Allen had to do was push record- the tech proceeded to jump my butt and tell me NO! Not until I make sure everything is okay. That hit me like a rock, and from that moment I knew something was going to be really wrong. She wanted to do above the abdomen to start with- I just knew we would not be able to see anything because I have never had one on my abdomen that early. I was right, and she told me we would do the internal. I knew we were heading in a downward spriral at this moment. She only took 5 minutes with the internal- shortest one I've ever had. She did not say a word the whole time, just kept sighing as Hayleigh and Reid entertained themselves by the curtain. We saw a glimpse of the baby, but she then ran off to get Dr. King, and told us she would have him come in. That was it. I knew it was very bad- Allen just looked at me you could see he was wanting to know what was going on since he was watching the kids mostly in the brief amount of time she was doing the ultrasound. I looked at him and told him this was not good at all. Of course Dr. King didn't have the decency to even come in, and back came the bad mannered ultrasound tech. She just told me that he was too busy, and he was putting in a blood test for HCG for that day and two days out, with a follow up ultra sound in a week. She didn't say anything else, didn't act anything but like we were taking up her time and like the plague needed out of her room. She then pointed out the lab to me, and escorted Allen and the kids out to the waiting room. I sat in that lab room for 10 minutes by myself before anyone ever did come in. This butterflies and gumdrops bouncy lady came in and sat down to rub my knee and ask if anyone had explained what was going on to me yet. Trying to hold it together, I told her no, but I was not stupid and after going through IUI with my first, I knew what going after HCG levels meant. I was all to well informed on how this all worked. She then left and told me Danielle would be in, in  a minute to draw my blood. I sat for another 10 minutes there just thinking to myself, going through everything I knew about what was going on, trying to grasp it all. I just wanted to get out of there, hold my kids, and Allen. I kept mumbling to myself "come on" trying to get Danielle to hurry up. Danielle finally shows up- not a care in the world. Then doesn't know what color to use for the tube to collect my blood- has to go off and double check while inside I'm scream growling just to take the f'ing blood and let me out of there. She finally figures out what end her head and ass are on, and draws the blood, then tries to start to tell me what HCG means, and I just bluntly tell her I am well educated on it all, I just want to leave. So she then points me to the check out. I go up to the only booth to check out. There, checking out is a lady that cannot speak a lick of English, with the receptionist translating. I stand there for 5 minutes waiting and waiting while they laugh about the check out lady being skinny and what diets to try. The papers I had to fill out when I first got there are burning in my hand. I'm ready to beam fire at these people. I JUST WANT TO LEAVE. The translating receptionist finally notices me in the middle of their diet talk, and offers to check me out. I take the clip board to her and she asks when I want to schedule my next appointment. I just looked at her wanting to scream, cry and yank her head off. I pulled it together and told her our appointment did not go well, I am just getting blood work done, and we will see when we get some news on that. She just stared at me. I handed her my paper work, and asked if I needed to pay my copay or anything, and she told me I needed to finish filling out my patient history papers- apparently the one I thought was office work on 2 pages was not. I just looked at her and asked if I could wait to do those. I just wanted to get out of there. She looked at me, I told her if they could be filled out later if my pregnancy was still progressing I would do them at the next appointment. She just looked at me then panicked and told me that was fine. I grabbed Allen and the kids and pretty much ran out that door. we made it to the excursion with Reid tripping the whole way over everything and anything he could. I got him strapped into his car seat, and jumped into the passenger seat and just looked at Allen, trying not to bawl right then. He grabbed me, giving me a hug and I lost it- not completely, but I bawled. We sat there for 5 minutes while I just kept thinking that today was going good, this was not how it was supposed to go at all. We talked for a few minutes, then I calmed down and we went to go check on his truck- Allen concerned if I was able to drive home or not. I drove home and just sat numb.

How was I back to this dark place, and now with both of our kids concerned because Mommy was sad. I laid on our bed, just letting it flow out of me. All I could think was we just lost Charlie. She was gone. Everything I thought or had pictured of that little girl was all gone. For the better part of the evening that is the main thought that swirled in my head. Of course I wanted to go back in time, but I knew that would do no good, because we would just lead up to here again. I had so many people expressing their thoughts and prayers were with us. While I appreciated all of it so much, I was so hurt that God had not listened to me or them at all. People say God has a plan. In my mind in those dark moments it is when praying for the baby to me was just wasted air. God had a plan all along. For that baby not to live. So why do I bother to pray for a baby that already had a plan the whole time?

Wednesday, I was just kind of numb. I tried my best to put on a good face for Allen and the kids. I called the OB back and got my numbers from the day before after they acted like I was stupid for asking and didn't know what they would mean. The number was low, but in range. I became slightly hopeful that the tech didn't have a clue what she was doing, and missed something. I prayed for those numbers to go up. I had hope, but somehow I knew deep down that I was not going to get my prayers answered.

Thursday, I went in and got my blood drawn again. The lab managed to give me a bruise that is still horrible looking today (Wednesday morning). Long story short with Thursday, my OB blew me off, and proceeded to tell me that they would be out on Friday, and if I wanted, I could call back and see if the doctor on call would go over my numbers and call me. I went up to the hospital to medical records and got my results Friday morning, and my HCG number went down by 4,000. I knew then that this was over. I began checking with a different OB to see if I could get the ball rolling on getting something done. I spoke with my mom, and she didn't have any words of comfort, just told me that she was canceling her 3 day vacation out here for Hayleigh's birthday since I didn't know if I would be up for traveling back with her and the kids. I then felt as if the whole world was deciding that I was a lost cause, and to jump ship.

Saturday, we spent the day driving around. It felt soo good just to get out. We cooked supper and went to bed. Sunday, I woke up feeling awful- throwing up all morning thinking I had severe morning sickness kicking me back on the way back down. Allen ending up leaving to go back to work, it stormed, and our power went out for 2 hours, while I was in the bathroom getting sick for the last time that day. The power came back on, I felt better and actually ate something and kept it down. Took a bath with Hayleigh, and told her she could sleep in our bed since I didn't want to be alone. 2am, she started getting sick, and I realized we had a flu bug. I tended to Hayleigh all Monday morning and afternoon, and tried to get a doctor to do something. Of course the first office never returned my calls, the second one I called back to try to make an appointment. The receptionist told me 3 weeks. I screamed at her I was already 11 wks and I did not want to carry a dead baby for 3 more weeks. By 5 pm after not knowing what to do, the second OB called me back. After being confused and thinking the nurse was from the first OB, we got everything straightened out, and nurse Kerri got me scheduled for a D&C for Tuesday- the next day at 1pm.  I scrambled around and made arrangements for the kids and for me. I was nervous, but finally felt a sense of relief.

Tuesday, I woke up happy for once. I got stuff ready around the house, and was ready for my appointment. My mom sent me a text asking what time my appointment was and who was taking the kids. She didn't ask if I had someone to take care of me or anything. My dad called, and couldn't have made me feel any better than he did. He told me he was sorry that this baby didn't make it, and that I was right that we did have 2 healthy kids even though it didn't make anything better. He made sure I had someone to take care of me, then bragged on how much of a sweetie Hayleigh was and how well mannered both of the kids were. He told me I was a great mom, and I was strong and could make it through this, and to call him after we got home. I got ready, even managed to shave my legs, and tried to eat a banana.  I made it to the new OB, and I felt so a peace. Everyone was extremely helpful and personable. I was just happy and felt like a pile of bricks was off of me. I could finally move on now. We did another ultrasound and this time my new doctor did it. She told me measurements, and basically found the baby and sac quit developing at a little over 6 wks. She was very sympathetic, and I was okay. She gave me two options, one of them being the D&C and the other to go back home since there wasn't a lot of tissue. I opted for the D&C just to be done with everything. Kerri my nurse and Dr. Simms got me ready, and started the procedure. It wasn't near as bad as I was expecting it to be. We joked and talked about wine, and what all I would be drinking that night. I immediately felt better once they were done and the cramps subsided once the procedure was done. I laid there in total peace relaxing while they let me rest. I had closure now. Everything had been laid to rest like a funeral.

I finished up, and still felt great. I made it back to the kids, and my friend took us home. The kids did great the whole almost 3 hours I was away. It was still great to walk through that door, and both of them light up yelling Mommy to me, and Hayleigh telling me she missed me. We made it home and took it easy the rest of the evening, which leads us to right now. Almost 2 am, and I can't sleep. I've caught up on 3 episodes of Grey's and I just finally felt the need to finish this post. 

I know I left out a few things, but I just wanted this done. I wanted to share this so that if anyone else goes through this, they know they are not alone, which I found this past week. I'm grateful for everyone who stuck by me even when it was hard, and I was in a bad place. I'm happy now, and looking forward to the future, and just glad many stuck by my side. I did end up unfriending quite a few over this, but it was mainly if they could be there in the good times for me, but couldn't even show me they were there, they were gone. I just don't have time for it anymore.

Anyway, now I feel so much better and relieved and at peace. We are planning for future things to do, and it's great I can put my mind to those things instead of remaining stuck on what happened last week. All I have left is an appointment to go back in two weeks for a follow up and I'm cleared and FREE.

You never fully know just how strong you are until you have to be that strong. Over the past 5 years, just when I think I cannot handle anymore, something comes in and makes me even more stronger. At least I'm learning from it all and gaining perspective on things better than I did 5 years ago. This is not the end, it is making way for something even better even though this was really bad. So, if I'm meant to have another baby, all I can think is this will make me just even much more better of a mom, to be more appreciative in the small things, and remind me that life is fragile and it can go at any time. So, for now, I am thankful for all the things and people I have in my life, and grateful for the 2 healthy kids I can hug and kiss every day. Because without them or Allen, I know I would be a complete mess.

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