About Me

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Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

50 Shades of Blue

If I could sum up this month it would be 50 Shades of Blue for me. My left arm is still black and blue from the lab drawing my second HCG levels. If you could see me on the inside it would go from bright red from anger to black/blue from how sad I am.

These two pictures I have a love hate relationship with right now.. They are the last bump pictures I took. While I'm grateful I have them, they hurt to look at them at the same time. I absolutely LOVE Hayleigh's expression in the first. I couldn't pay that girl to do that in a picture while I was pregnant with Reid. This time, she was constantly loving on the bump..hugging, kissing, playing peek-a-boo with the baby. She was really excited. I don't think she has completely figured out that the baby is gone yet. She still wants to hug what's left of my belly, and kiss it. I tell her the baby is gone, and she replies without missing a beat don't worry, she will get me a new one. I love that little girl to pieces.

I have been doing better about the whole baby loss aspect of things, it just seems like everything else has been hitting me lately and I just am tired. Very, very tired of fighting. After cleaning up poop everywhere yesterday, and I do mean every where, today started out much better- no more poop and I got a room done. Then I decided it was a good idea to order pizza from Munchies and go and pick it up. It all went down hill when I went to put the car seats into the excursion, and Hayleigh's won't lock- it will buckle in, but the back will not snap down. Then the fridge and dirt bike decided to not want to let go of my car doors, got everyone in, and forgot that Allen has swapped out the switch in our vehicles since the part that went out of his that controls the fan speed would take a week to get in. Basically it will only run on high fan. It started to rain, my low fuel light come on, and then the battery light on the dash popped on....... I swear. I managed to pick up the pizza and make it back home- I knew I had plenty of fuel to make it back but I did not feel like stopping past a parts store to have them test the batteries which are both less than a year old along with the alternator. I'm hoping it's throwing the code since that switch part is not working correctly. Tomorrow is the last Friday the 13th with full moon until year 2049, and I'm half scared to get out of bed in the morning. I will not be doing much of anything- I can promise that much.

I know people have been wondering if we will be even trying for another baby or not. Allen was after all going to get fixed. I just cannot end it all on this note. Because we lost a baby we would put an end to it all- I just cannot do that. So, we are just letting it all roll, and settle down before we make that decision. If we are blessed with another life, we will be grateful and end it on that note, otherwise I don't know how long we will wait. I think just to the point that we are both at peace with the decision.

I absolutely HATE feeling so tired and grouchy, I can say that. That's what I feel like most of the time- tired and grouchy. I just don't have the patience or energy to let things roll off of me, and I don't have the energy to fight it at the same time. So, I'm just here grouchy and tired, but moving on for the better as much as I can. I've already stopped bleeding from my D&C from Tuesday, so that is at least done and over with. The kids and I are feeling a lot better- no more puking or diarrhea after it felt like we had a poop factory here- poop everywhere.

I finished Hayleigh's room finally after over a week of getting Hayleigh a new bedroom suite. Finally I have something done that we can all see that is done. Now, if I could only just get the rest of the rooms in the house done I would be happy.

Tonight, I've decided I'm skipping my Grey's and reading a new series I've had in my nightstand for almost a year. The Sylvia Day Crossfire series. Hopefully that will help since I haven't had the nerve to be able to move my What to Expect When You're Expecting book or change the headline pic on here or my profile info. Maybe that series will be just what I need to kick me just a little be more.

As you can see all I have managed to do is ramble on little bits and pieces of what's going on. It's still dark, but I think I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. I'm hoping that this might be all of the darkness and anger I have with babies, or my kids. I couldn't imagine losing one of them at all, and hope that I never do. At least we are stronger as a family because of this, and the kids give me the reason to get out of bed and try to make it a better day. They make me laugh, and growl- especially this morning when they snuck off to Hayleigh's room and got into hot pink lip gloss and fingernail polish. But, I know without those moments, my day would be completely empty without them here to fill it up.   They are my little bucket fillers, making sure they fill my bucket up each and every day.  ~check out the children's book Have You Filled a Bucket Today?  It is our most favorite book for bedtime.

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