This Time Every Year....

When August comes every year, I start to get kind of emotional, and tend to go back to reading my first posts on here before the kids- back when we were trying soo hard just to get pregnant. I think it's all part of being grateful for how far we have come. On the 17th, it will be 4 years ago since our first IUI attempt. Four years ago today, I posted this video that I have re posted several times. It never seems to fail to make me cry- even though we now have kids, and we are completely happy and in love with both of them. My heart aches for the other thousands of couples out there that are now in the shoes we were once in. 

Even though our first attempt at IUI was unsuccessful just like many others are not for other people, we did manage to survive through it all, and did end up with our own sweet little family after it all. These days, I reminisce back to before the kids, to the bittersweet time when we were trying for all we were worth to just get a baby. I miss those days in a way- funny, but I would love to live those days all over again, knowing what was in store for us. I would love to see those 2 pink lines for the first time all over again, and go through that miscarriage from the first IUI over again, knowing Hayleigh would soon be a reality. Just to hold Hayleigh again for the first time... 

It is amazing that we didn't have to go through all of the treatments all over again for Reid.. He just happened against all odds. Both kids are our miracles- one planned and longed for, for so long, and the other a complete shock of a surprise of what we wanted and were getting ready to start planning treatments for. Back after Hayleigh was born, I figured we would have to go back and start all over once again. I in a way wanted that, thinking our kids would be mean to each other someday and say I was planned, and Mommy and Daddy wanted me. I also thought I would feel bad because we had such early ultrasound pictures of Hayleigh, and not of Reid. Hayleigh we have from 5 wks along with her, Reid starts at 8 weeks- the same time I was discharged from the infertility clinic with Hayleigh. At least both of them were born into loving arms of parents who really longed and wanted them both. While my views on infertility will stay with me for my lifetime, I hope that both Reid and Hayleigh don't have to go through it all as well someday. I would wish infertility on my worst enemy and best friend, and I know that sounds wrong. BUT, I am the mom I am today because of it. I try not to take things for granted with the kids, I think sometimes to myself to suck it up- the "me" before kids yelling at me to do better for them. Because of our experience I'm a better mom, and with the way society is today- all the teen pregnancy, single parent pregnancies, etc, it would be good for our society to experience that. Maybe then, the birth of a baby, or even a pregnancy would be seen as a miracle instead of a burden. 

I know a lot of people are out there hurting now- watching everyone and their dog get pregnant and have babies like it's nothing. Those people going on about how easy it was, while you are trying everything you read that could possibly help you get pregnant. Trying to smile for others while holding someone else's newborn baby...IT's hard! 

Even though infertility is not a life threatening disease, it is a very hard thing to battle. Expensive, emotional, and exhausting. 

To all the hopeful future parents out there- hang in there. Even if it feels like you are in a dark hole all by yourself, you're not. There are many others out there struggling just like you out there.