From Limbo to Possibly Slamming into High Gear

For the past week, it has felt like we have been stuck in limbo between the future - we are heading to that will be a huge change for us, and starring into the present, and past that is the normal what we are used to but just doesn't seem like normal anymore. We are in transition, preparing for what is to come, and I'm trying to hang onto "now", trying to enjoy being here.

Friday, we told my mom what the plans are for the months to follow. She was angry, and I can't say that I blame her. She looked like a truck just hit her. I just kept telling her that I was sorry, but we didn't know what else to do. She hung onto Hayleigh about to cry. Hayleigh had her picture of her and Santa from this last Christmas out, pointing at Santa, saying, "Ho, HO, HO!" My mom told Hayleigh that she was never going to see THAT Santa ever again. I know how she feels- when I feel helpless, I get angry too. I told my mom, this is not good bye for good- we can make plans for just Hayleigh and I to fly back for things like that through the week sometime. I can get plane tickets cheaper, if we can buy them well enough in advance. I told her this, and told her she can always come and see us too. I also told her the part that makes me cry about Hayleigh not being with my mom, is Hayleigh has her own room at my mom's house, and Hayleigh won't be there every week anymore, playing, or spending the night. She will have to make many changes, just like everyone else this is effecting. Mom will have to get internet, xbox, and a kinnect. We use ours to talk for free and video chat- kind of like skype with Allen's dad and step mom- we open gifts together at Christmas, and just visit. Hayleigh gets to see and hear her grandparents, and they get to see her show off and play.

Many people close to us are angry... angry at us, and at the world, angry for us having to leave. I can't blame them. I feel like I'm sitting on a fence post, torn between two worlds. On one hand, it is exciting- moving to a new area that is just beautiful, there are many things to do and enjoy, hunting that I've only dreamed about, and living by the mountains with NO HUMIDITY!!! All of this with us making a good living and life for our family. On the other side sits our families back home here, sad, hurt, and angry, and ALONE. My sister lives a couple of hours away from home as well, and tries to come back every month or so for the weekend. After we are gone, my mom will be ALONE- no us, no Hayleigh to make her happy. Magen will still be coming home to visit with her boyfriend Brad, but, we won't be here, and she won't get to see Hayleigh, we won't get to go out to Joe's for pizza late on Friday night, and laugh at what cute things Hayleigh is doing. Allen's grandparents only have us here as well. Fridays are their day with Hayleigh. I bring her over bright and early before I go to work in her pajamas- they all play and have a good time. Allen and I come by after I get off of work and visit for the afternoon, and then we sometimes go out to eat. Hayleigh has her stuff over at their house as well- things she has to see, or do when she is there, Grandpa's windmill, that is his and Hayleigh's to watch and treasure. She gets excited when she sees any of them, jumping up and down, smiling, and raising her arms in the air, wanting picked up. Just seeing them all light up because of her- that HURTS the most. Of course I'm sitting here thinking about all of this crying, I guess it is how I cope with it all.

I hate feeling torn. The most important thing we have to keep thinking, and remembering is we are doing this for our future, for Hayleigh- not to hurt everyone. We are not just picking up and moving because we want to- it is because we have to go to make our future better.

I know once we get out to Montana, we should be fine. It will be very hard, but I know in my heart we can do it, and will make it work. Allen is planning on going the middle of April and staying for a few months working, making sure this will work, and will be house hunting with me over the phone, and online. Hopefully by the time he comes back to get us and our stuff- we will have a place ready to move into, and Allen will have adjusted to a new job. I know that no matter how hard we think this will be after we move, it will probably be the hardest on us while Allen is in Montana, and we are still here in Olney, waiting to make sure this will all work out. Allen will be away from us for a month and a half most likely. If everything goes to plan, we are planning on leaving just after Hayleigh's birthday- literally after that weekend. This is all based on if everything goes how we think it will, and will probably change a million times until then.

Today, I looked at what the community had to offer, events, facilities, the library, etc. I also looked at the schools, and was completely overwhelmed. Like I've said before, I have had Hayleigh's school figured out since before she was born- she was going to St Joe- here in town. We wanted smaller classes, with numbers proving that students there came away with a better education. I looked at the Catholic schools there in Billings today, and it immediately depressed me. In our area, our Catholic school is very laid back, and simple, along with the church I grew up in. I guess the way to best explain it all is there are churches that are very hard core and strict, and some who are more easy going. To get a baby baptised at their church, Godparents have to be no younger than 16, live close, parents have to go to church as much as they see fit, and must show that they will continue to go and be active in the church. They have a big tank- pool to baptise adults. This is all very different, and I do not like it at all. We do not have a tank to dip adults into in our church, Hayleigh's Godfather is not 16, and is the PERFECT person to be her Godfather. I do not like any of it at all. Of course, I am not what you would call a full blown, full time Catholic- don't judge me. There are things I do not agree with, but here, it is tradition, and it is what I grew up with. Wendelin is home to me. I'm not going to go on and on with what I believe or don't believe in, but, this all completely turned me off. I would be completely happy if we could do things online for Hayleigh, and celebrate things here at home for her instead. If this could really happen, I would be elated, but, I doubt it can.-

 All of this was written on Monday... I didn't have time to finish, so here is from today-

On a brighter note- Allen has an interview via phone tomorrow for a job in North Dakota for Haliburton. Haliburton is one of the top companies Allen had on his list of who he wanted to work for. Things could be moving a whole lot faster than planned..... we will see how tomorrow goes! Fingers Crossed! So, tomorrow is a really big day for us. Allen may be leaving a few weeks from now. Scary to think! I think I'm too anxious now to even attempt to finish this- I've lost my train on it, so....

 to be continued..............