Mother's Day.. what it used to be for me, and Still is for many others...

I got a link from a post one of my fellow infertility sisters had posted yesterday. I just now got to where I could finally read it all. This all hits home to me really well. I may not have ever made it to 17 wks like the author did with the 2 babies I had lost, but, I could not imagine losing Hayleigh at 17 wks after all we had been through just to get her. I think there is something for everyone in this article. I am just happy for once not to be bitter about Mother's Day, but, at least I have found that I was not alone.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/serene-jones/worst-expectations-mother_b_568033.html

Worst Expectations: Motherhood Lost
Serene Jones
This Sunday morning, my daughter will make her annual bedside delivery of a "For Mom" greeting card. What fun to guess what sort of handwritten promises she might include: an always-clean bedroom, perhaps, or 365 kisses? Whatever she says or does, I know I'll give her a big hug, and get misty-eyed.
Fifteen years ago, however, my tears were bitter. In fact, I woke up on Mother's Day of 1995 and couldn't get out of bed. I hated the thought of motherhood. In fact, I probably hated all mothers.
My wretched state back then had nothing to do with my own mother. Rather, it was caused by a feeling of personal failure, and a sense that my own body had betrayed me. Only four days earlier I had miscarried a much-wanted, seventeen-week pregnancy. Just as I'd begun to grasp and even revel in the reality of new life, this thrilling possibility ended. Suddenly, I wasn't "expecting" anymore. The grief felt unbearable.
What I didn't know then was how vast a sisterhood I was joining. According to The American Society for Reproductive Medicine, 25 percent of U.S. women will experience a miscarriage during their childbearing years, and one in 80 pregnancies ends in a stillbirth. (These statistics do not include abortions.) In addition, an estimated 6.1 million American women are presently experiencing some form of infertility. It's my guess, however, that very few churches, synagogues, mosques or other places of worship will mention these sobering facts as they celebrate Mother's Day. And, due to this silence, many women will grieve alone, feeling uninvited to the party.
Don't get me wrong. It's good that our society takes a day to honor mothers. I truly believe there's no more difficult or demanding a job than the work of day-to-day parenting, yet no form of employment is so taken for granted. Go ahead and cheer dear old Mom, loud and long! But, in the midst of the ballyhoo, take some time, too, to remember your cousin in Houston whose fertility treatments are failing, your next-door neighbor who had a stillbirth three years ago, or your grandmother who lost a child but could never bring herself to tell anyone about it. For all these women, their hoped-for child comes regularly to mind, and each one will cry on May 9th in a way that surprises her.
Because loss-of-motherhood is a suffering like no other. By the time I miscarried, I'd had my fair share of disappointment. There were failed relationships, the death of one dear friend to AIDS, another to a car accident, and a few of my cherished life goals had already slipped from my grasp. But none of this pain prepared me for the feeling of utter helplessness that came about when my pregnancy ended.
In those seventeen weeks, I envisioned my baby's hair color, her first day at school, his college graduation, her middle-aged years, and even his presence at my funeral. Being pregnant overwhelmed my imagination with a wide, mysterious future stretching out ahead. Then, without warning, that future disappeared. I was a puddle of lost hopes.
Imagine Mother's Day for someone in this state. Every beatifically smiling mother's face made me feel sour. And jealous. Why should she get a child and not me? All those cheery reminders ("Don't Forget Mom!") In the newspaper, or on posters in the supermarket and drugstore, made me want to grow claws and draw blood. I was ashamed of these feelings, but I couldn't help myself.
In the end, the only thing that gradually eased my pain was hearing the stories of other women who were bereaved. In that first month after my miscarriage, a trickle of information gradually turned into a stream. Soon enough, almost every woman I talked to whispered to me her own version of my story.
As I returned to my theological studies, I also began to see how the pain of lost motherhood is experienced by various faith traditions. In Judaism, Rachel weeps for the lost children; they are no more. In Christianity, depictions of Mary cradling the body of her dead son are more prevalent than those of her peering into the manger. Buddhists speak of the pained empty vessel of maternal loss; Native American religions have a barren mother at the center of their most precious rituals. The list goes on. By these sacred images, we're reminded that the strength of a community rests as much in its capacity to grieve as it does in its capacity to celebrate.

So, this Mother's Day, I am sure I'll weep a little bit as my daughter hands me her card. In the midst of this joy, though, there will be tears of compassion, too, for women all across America who are mourning. To them, let's remember to say, "You are not alone." We honor you, too.

Serene Jones is the author of Trauma and Grace: Theology in a Ruptured World, which explores the relationship between grace, redemption, and the trauma of reproductive loss.

Mother's Day for Mom to Be... is this really happening to me now?

Today has made me kind of numb in a way. I have just been sitting back and enjoying the last leg of this trip, mainly enjoying going to the mailbox anymore really. Everyday, there is a new dress, or shoes for Hayleigh in the mail. I really do love waddling down to the mailbox each day to see what else has finally come. The numb feeling came to me today, I got another dress in the mail, red trimmed with sail boats all over it.. gymboree of course. I sat there looking at the dress, just thinking how soon it will be and Hayleigh will be wearing this. Then, Mother's Day is Saturday. I can celebrate this year without just having dogs as my children. Everything is just surreal lately. We stopped past my dad's house this evening to pick up a package for me to take in to work with me. Dad's wife, Mary, had a card waiting for me. It was a Happy Mother's Day card for Mom-to-Be. It was sooo sweet! We also sat and talked about how soon it will be and Hayleigh will be here, going on about how small the dress was, and what we were anxious about. I am still trying to get used to the idea of having something besides my purse to pack around from here on out in a short amount of time. I just really am still in denial about being where we are right now. I was talking about this to Heather, a lady I work with, this morning. She just went on about how much I had popped out in the last week, since Hayleigh has switched to being more vertical, instead of horizontal in my belly. She then went on about how fast this has all went. I only have 6 more weeks at work, and 8 more weeks until my due date. I was going on about how bittersweet this all was. I had been looking forward to being pregnant soo much, it is really going by faster than I would like for it to. It is not that I am not wanting to have a newborn yet, I really cannot wait until she gets here, but, I had spent soo much time wanting just to be pregnant, and it is almost over already. I was just getting used to being in the first trimester, and now, I am already in the third. I am going to the doctor every two weeks, which really makes me anxious, and I am already having to plan around the big "D" day.

Wordless Wednesday... And they're off!

The baby shower invites that is! I got the rest of them picked up today, stamped, and sent out! I am soo happy with how the new ones turned out that Printforce did for me. I paid $24.00 for 55 invites from them, and paid $50.00 for 20 from Storkie.com... you tell me which one you would rather deal with. Anyway, the invites are officially out, we have everything ready, been ready for the last 2 months on booking the parish center, the invites, cake, and decorations... now just to wait and finish favors with two of my friends in 2 weeks, and then waddle waddle waddle around for the last 6 weeks, until Hayles gets here.

29wks, 11 wks, 77 days...Ummm where did the time go?

29wks is how far along I am with Ms. Hayleigh today, 9wks or 77 days is the time we have left until my due date. Can I just say that I am officially freaked out now? Things are coming right along, Hayleigh has been moving non-stop for the last week or so now, and I do mean NON-STOP. Allen finally understands why I whimper and whine in my sleep now. Allen got in on Thursday evening, and was home for the whole weekend. Friday evening, we got ready for bed, and Allen did his usual feeling around my belly to feel Hayleigh move. Every time he does this, she moves a little for him, not near as much as she usually does for me everyday. But, for once, she decided to show off for him. She was practically doing somersaults, and kicks all over. You could literally see her moving across my belly like the shark from Jaws, complete with the theme music.

I cannot believe how fast this has all gone! We are already in the home stretch, I am going to see Sandy every 2 wks now, and this little girl has definitely been growing. I think that when Hayleigh finally does get here, I am really going to miss feeling all of these kicks and moves. Funny how I have waited soo long to be where I am now, I am kind of sad to be moving past it, but, excited at the same time.

Glucose Screening Update:
I got the call on Friday that I failed my glucose screening by 4 points. GRRHHHH! I knew this was a real possibility, with PCOS, so, on my next appointment, I will have to redo the whole test again. Sandy was not too concerned, she thinks I will pass the next, since I hit 144, and they want 140, with it being soo close to the cut off. Sandy said she did not believe that I have gestational diabetes, since I have not been gaining a bunch of weight, so, that made me feel a whole lot better.

My next appointment is next Tuesday, May 11th, so, I will be going in as soon as the lab opens to get this all done as soon as possible, since I have to stay at the clinic for 3 hours. I might as well kill two birds with one stone, and get my prenatal checkup done along with the screening once again. Next week is just going to be filled with Doctor appointments.. we also get to go into the hospital on Friday morning at 8am for our 4-D ultrasound too. I have a few demands on my list, like a side profile pic and a gender pic in 3-D while we are there, since the lady at the clinic did not give us one. We are planning on just taking my dad, and his wife along for this ultrasound, since my mom, and Allen's grandparents got to go to the last, and this room will be crowded too. We should be getting a cd to play back for everyone, so, it would be much easier in the long run. Allen is also competing in a shoot at Sparta later on that day, so, we will have to leave for Nashville- that is where we are staying, as soon as we are done at the hospital.

I am soo happy that my dad has really been getting excited about this pregnancy and becoming a grandpa too. I always thought he would just kind of be there. The only things he gets really excited about are guns and hunting, which, I feel the same about on a certain level too.. apple didn't fall far from the tree. Anyway, I am just surprised by the support we have received from some people, and the lack of support from the ones who we thought would be along every step of this ride. I just hope that everything goes smooth when Hayleigh does get here, and everyone can keep in mind this all about her, and not about them, and their past relationships. After all, we have only waited for Hayleigh for the last 6 years now, and really, truthfully, our whole lives. I guess the choice is up to them on how much they really want to be there for Hayleigh, and forget about the past. We will be quite busy I am sure after Hayleigh gets here, we have family driving in from California, that will be staying with us for a few weeks, and I am sure there will be people visiting the first few weeks too, so, I just hope that this goes as smooth as possible for not only our sake, but, Hayleighs too. If you cannot tell, I am not at all worried about labor pains, or anything like that... it is people that I worry about. Only time will tell how this will all go... the time will be here shortly too!

Hayleigh's developments for the week: 

Your baby is almost 17 inches tall now, nearly as tall as he or she will be at birth. But that three-pound weight will likely more than double — and may even come close to tripling — by delivery time.

At 29 weeks pregnant, your baby is almost 17 inches tall now (nearly as tall as he or she will be at birth), and close to three pounds (a weight that will likely more than double — and may even come close to tripling —  by delivery time). His or her wrinkled skin is smoothing out as more fat is deposited under the skin surface. This fat, called white fat, is different from the earlier brown fat that your developing fetus accumulated. Brown fat is necessary for body temperature regulation while white fat (the fat you have, Mom) actually serves as an energy source.
 
Which explains why your energizer baby feels so…well…energized!  Space in your baby's living quarters is now at a premium, so you'll be feeling jabs and pokes from elbows and knees mostly. But those kicks will be more vigorous than before (and also less erratic) because your baby is stronger and excitedly responding to all sorts of stimuli — movement, sounds, light, and that candy bar you ate half an hour ago.
 
Luckily, your baby doesn't have teeth yet that would need a brushing after that sugary treat, but it won't be long before you'll need to buy that first baby toothbrush! You'll recall that your baby's baby-teeth buds formed weeks ago, but now the buds for permanent teeth are forming in his or her gums as well.
 
And back to those kicks, who's counting?  Actually, you should be.  Now's a good time to start doing a kick count twice a day to make sure baby's doing just fine (plus, it's a good excuse for a rest). Lie down (preferably after a snack) and keep track of your baby's movements. You're looking for at least ten movements in an hour's time (don't forget to count movements of any kind — kicks, flutters, swishes, rolls, and so on).

What IF? National Infertility Awarness Week April 24- May 1st

Okay, I got inspired from a fellow blogger to keep the chain of project What IF going, to promote awareness of infertility and show my support at the same time. I just cannot say just how much I am grateful to have had to battle infertility in my life, along with my husband's support. Some of the worst things in life, can bring out the best things in life at the same time. So, now for my what ifs..


What if we had not had to go through infertility?

We would have never have known who our real friends in this crazy world are, and we wouldn't have gained so many more better friends.

We wouldn't be as close of a couple, or have as strong as a marriage as we presently do.

We would have a 6 year old running around the house now, with who knows how many other kids.

I wouldn't be as grateful for my family- I am soo happy to be a mom to be, and just imagining our family in the coming few months makes me cry. I don't think I would have enjoyed being pregnant quite as much as I have now.

We probably wouldn't both be where we wanted to be in life. I love my job, and Allen does his as well.

We wouldn't have gotten the chance to see the country like we did. Allen and I have traveled through sooo many more places than we would have if we had a family back in 05'.

We would not know of the support we would get from our family and friends for our upcoming family.

MOST OF ALL, WE WOULD NEVER GET THE JOY OF ANTICIPATING THE ARRIVAL OF HAYLEIGH. WE NEVER WOULD GET TO EXPERIENCE HAYLEIGH BLESSING OUR LIVES, AND EVENTUALLY BRINGING HER INTO THIS WORLD. IF EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT, THERE WOULD BE NO HAYLEIGH....

There are probably is a list of other things I have forgotten, but, I am grateful to have shared this journey with soo many people out there. This is a bond, that will never be broken. Infertility no matter how bad it has been, has made me feel more special, or rather that our baby to be will be even more special.