About Me

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Western North Dakota , United States
My husband, Allen, and I are high school sweet hearts. We started dating Sep.99'- I kind of followed Allen home one day, and never did leave, is Allen's story. November 02' we were engaged, and on November 22,2003 - we were married. Having been married for 6 years in 2009, marked the 5th year we had been trying to start our family. With the referral of a Fertility Specialist from a friend, our IUI attempts ended up being a complete success despite my doubts. We welcomed our sweet little girl, Hayleigh into the world on June 30,2010 at 6:28am after 37wks and 1 day of gestation. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 in long. We found out that we were Baby #2 on April Fool's Day- a complete surprise! Reid Allen was born 11/13/12 3:24am 9lbs 8.2oz 21", after 38wks 5 days. Our 3rd baby, Eva Jane, was born on April 19, 2015 after suffering a pregnancy loss June of 2014. We are currently anxiously awaiting baby #4 due 2 days before Eva's birthday, so we are having Irish Twins! Our family is so blessed and happy to be growing!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Mowhawk and What?

I am still up tonight- it is 12:30... I have a heavy heart, and I would love to spill it all out on here, and get it off my chest, but I have other things on my mind that I can spill instead.

It's funny how one random thing can open a flood gate of feelings, and new decisions. During Allen's last rotation before we moved, his coworkers got the brilliant idea to cut each others hair at work. To all get mowhawks.... He at least called me to inform me and ask if it was okay to get one- like a good hubby should. I don't know why it made me soo stinking mad. I love his hair the way it is, and I know it is just hair, and it will grow back. I am not a mowhawk fan. I started bartering with him, trying to sway his decision on the whole matter. It ranged from I'll get my hair cut- he is very opposed to this, to losing special privileges, to getting my nose pierced- which that one floored me he actually was all for that. I finally whipped out something buried deep down. Something I had secretly been considering, but was awaiting the right moment to say something. My heart has been heavy on this for the past few months. I've waited to see how I would feel before even saying anything, making sure it was something that I really would want to do. In a moment that felt like I threw my heart out and had an out of body experience, I told him, Fine, I want another baby. There, I said it. He got quiet, then squeaked Really? I said matter of factly, YES. That was it- my big bomb that I tried pulling off as a joke in a way that kind of really came across as being honest. I finally told him to get his stupid hair cut, in fear he would be taunted from the Prudy wife at home telling him what he couldn't do. I stewed over that hair cut for hours that day. He finally sent me pictures, and I tried playing tough cookie with him about it, and ended up making him feel bad for getting it done- my goal. But then I felt bad for him feeling bad, so I shot myself in the foot. Finally after cooling off, waiting on the Excursion to get the oil changed, he sends me some texts. He told me how much he loved me, and then asked if I was serious about the whole baby bit. I said Yes, because I was still protesting a little bit. Mind you this is on the eve of us leaving Illinois. I was already nervous about pulling a trailer by myself with both kids over 1000 miles away. I knew deep down I could do it, but there were a few that kept doubting me.

Anyway, we ended up going to the fair. Allen was down in the dumps because I made him feel bad, and he was really missing us- nervous for me for the trip ahead too. We finally got to talk on the phone again. I told him the hair cut was fine, it's just hair, and I was sorry for making him feel bad about it all. He then asked about the baby bit again. He asked if I was really serious. I told him that I had secretly been thinking about it. Feeling like we were not complete- like one of us was still waiting to get here. I told him I have to be crazy for thinking that after having the colicky baby from hell- Lord only knows what we would get next time... an over 10 lb baby with even more issues. He laughed and told me I wasn't crazy. He had been thinking the same thing too for the past couple of weeks. He missed the baby bump like I had. What's funny is that when we first got married, we agreed we both wanted 3 kids. It didn't matter what we had as long as they were healthy and hopefully we would have at least a boy and a girl. 10 years later..... it's starting to surface again, after swearing we were done. Now, Reid was not planned - the big free surprise, and after having him without having to go back to an infertility clinic was a blessing. I doubt if we would go back to one now even still. But, the fact still remains we are not sure what's in store for us. While I can name at least 10 reasons not to have another one, I can come up with an equal number on why to have another.

 I know there are probably 2 people out there that I know of IF they read this, thinking, Great! Go ahead and have another, just so you can stay home while Allen works his butt of. To you people I say if you are reading this, I would in a heartbeat go and get a job if Allen asked me to. I have volunteered soo many times to, and he has told me no every time. I plan on having an income coming in by the time the kids are in school- hopefully before. But, I am not taking advantage of my husband and sitting home on my ass doing nothing. I take care of this family whether I am contributing financially or not. What we have and the way we run our marriage works for us. I do miss working outside the home. I miss having that guaranteed break, but I LOVE spending my days taking care of our kids and the household duties I can do to make it easier on Allen. I LOVE that I can stay home and teach our kids new things every day, and watch them grow and do new things. I wish Allen could do it to, and I would gladly tag in and let him stay home for 6 months, or even every 3 months, then trade off again, just so he could witness everything as well.

Anyway, I've been going though the kids baby clothes, getting them ready to take back to Illinois in a few weeks with me to store at my mom's house- this in it'self doesn't help any either. We are not getting rid of any of the clothes- saving it back for my sister, or the maybe baby that could happen in our family yet someday. When that day does come that we can say we are certainly done, I will start getting rid of the rest of the baby stuff. I just don't want to jump in and say no more, then down the road a few years, think we made a mistake. So maybe baby, maybe not.. Only time will tell on if we will add another chapter in our lives once again.

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