Starting Over

I know it has been a while since I have been on here last. Over the past time, I have struggled with many emotions- mainly not soo good ones. I have been getting overwhelmed more easily lately, and I have been more tired. I am tired of everything not going as according to "my plan".

It seems like I have just stopped caring about others, while I try to take care of myself. More and more people are popping up pregnant... some with the same "due date time" as I would have had.

Things just have been rough after the last round not "sticking". I really feel deep down that because I have been trying to bury the pain down, and go on, everything else has just felt like it has not been going right either.

I guess I had not really come to the realization that I was really feeling this way until a few weeks ago. Allen and I went out to go bow hunting. We did not even make it out of the truck before we started arguing. It was the most ridiculous thing to fight about... I forgot my release for my bow at home... Allen had been getting all of the gear together, and did not get the release in the bag. I had a huge fit over it, and he finally just asked me what I was soo mad about. I replied without even thinking "I should be pregnant right now, and not even be here!" I really love hunting, and I had been preparing myself before the iui cycle mentally that I would not be hunting this year. Well, as you can see, my "plans" were changed of course, and, I never really made myself face this issue.

Days are going by, getting better and better. We are planning a new cycle... we are just will not be saying much about it this time. I planned too much, and really "lived" everything on the last cycle, so I will just be taking it easy on the next, and try not to get too obsessed about the next. I really think there is such a thing as trying too hard... I am a prime example of this some days. So, the next cycle, we will not be "trying sooo hard".

We are hanging in there for the time being... I promise I'll be back to my regular self soon. If the time comes for the next cycle, I will keep everything saved as a draft, until we can announce anything. We were really hoping for this month to be the month to try again, but things have just been soo rough, we are debating over just letting everything settle before starting again.