Auto Pilot

Auto Pilot is exactly what I am on right now. Today the anger and emotions have really started to set in. It is just very hard knowing I had something sooo great, only to have it ripped from me. I feel cold and angry. I try to stay on top of this and not let the negatives in and win, but, it feels like I am just slipping more and more.

It really hurts, and I know everyone knows it.. it will get better, even I know this. I know there is no use worrying over it, or being angry, it is done.

I just feel like an empty shell right now. I know I need to keep my spirits up, and just trudge on through, but I can't.

Everyone has been so very supportive- I could not ask for any better friends or family that are keeping the light lite for me. I guess this is all just part of the grieving process. I am still okay, just in a slump right now. I just found out that a 16 year old girl at the high school is pregnant. I want to scream at God and ask why not hers instead of mine? She doesn't want it, who knows if she will even keep it? Life is not fair, and there is a plan, even though we cannot see the plan. I just have a problem with little things like this.

I want to scream, cry, and just lie here sometimes. I was supposed to be going to the doctor this week for good news, not this. It is funny how the week you are the most excited about living, turns into the week you would like to die. Thank God I have a job that helps me not think about this stuff quite sooo much.

I just keep thinking back, only last week I still had it... why can't I go back??? I want to feel it again. I don't know if I can explain this to anyone... I felt it. I really did. I could feel that small bump in my stomach to where my uterus had swelled up, I would just hold it, and smile last week, and on before that. Now, it is back to normal. NO bump.

Allen and I have agreed that we would try until we reached 30.. we really wanted to be done by now. If by the time we are 30, and things are still like the way they are now.. I just don't see us going on with this much further. I knew this was going to be hard. This has been harder than my first miscarriage. The first one happened after we had only been married for 6 months. Allen did not understand. We were not trying to prevent it back then. But, now, I think the reason this one has been sooo hard, is that we REALLY REALLY wanted this to happen this time. It's not that we didn't the first time, but, we really did not have as much put into the first one as we did this one.

I know that time heals all wounds. I cannot even remember the date that the first one happened. I remember the day, just not the date. I know that this rounds dates I will remember. I have my instruction sheets from the doctor, the meds, and the pictures to remind me. I wanted to keep everything, just so that if it worked, I can show it all to our kids someday. I will still keep everything. I am thinking of getting a small box to put it all in- kind of like a memory box. I'm thinking that it will help me get some kind of closure from this all.

I am soo sorry to make anyone else upset or feel really bad too. That is the last thing I wanted.

We are sooo lucky to have great friends and family who really do care about us. I am soo lucky to have a husband that understands, and is taking care of me- I am usually the caretaker. Giving up the caretaker role has been hard, but, I am just finally sliding over, and letting myself be the one to accept the help.

This will always be a sad week for me to remember.. I just know that there will be several great weeks to make that bad week not soo bad to remember.