Hayleigh's First Day of Pre-K

In all of this new baby, new to pre-k, possibly relocating, and crazy busy with photo sessions, I have managed to forgot to post about Hayleigh's first day of Pre-K.

Hayleigh's first day of Pre-K was hard...we got up early, got her ready with her new backpack. I had everything laid out from the night before, even the camera with all of her supplies. I almost bawled, she was so excited until we got there, and then she just stood still like a statue. Reid on the other hand made friends immediately, playing with 2 other boys with dinosaurs. He was beyond upset when we went to leave. Just having Reid home with me for the few hours made the house sooo quiet! We sat on the floor and played, then I finished a few edits from a previous session while updating everyone via phone about how Hayleigh did. When we did manage to pick Hayleigh up, she was very talkative, and exclaimed "MOMMY!" when she saw Reid and I in the doorway. She is getting better at it, and has become less shy with every day. She is such a big girl already, and it makes me so sad knowing this all went by too fast. I guess at least I still have Reid and then this baby on the way for me to finish soaking up all the baby days I can, while I still can. 

It really does scare me how it will all be someday when all of the kids are out of the house. I envision one of those moms on a movie that is so clingy, embarrasses the kids, and goes through extreme empty nest syndrome. I have pretty much given everything up just to be a mom, and stay at home with my kids.. photography has become the outlet to help try to keep from becoming clingy mom, and do something for myself.

 

 

Secrets, Hopes, and a BIG FAT TRAITOR! - Draft from October 2013...

Well, if you are reading this post, I did end up publishing it for a good reason.

I have a secret..or rather secret HOPE

For the past week and a half, I have felt like I haven't felt in almost a year- 10 months to be exact. I have had a lot of signs pointing in one direction, and from what at first freaked me out, turned into a secret hope that only Allen and I share until we know for sure.

Can you guess what it is? Well I'm sure you know by now, because I am planning on not publishing this until we announce the big news. So, for right now, September 28th, on a very late Friday night, I think, and have thought I am pregnant once again.

Yes, I realize Reid is only 10 months old. Yes, I realize that we said we were done. Yes, I realize we already have one boy and one girl. And, YES, I realize that I can potentially be crazy right now.

BUT, I can't help but hope that we were wrong about our family being complete, and we are making room for one more tiny sweet soul in our family.

Right now, I should almost be 4 weeks, and I know it is very early. I am having to wait to take a pregnancy test. I can smell everything, I'm bloated deluxe, my boobs look like I've had a boob job done, and I have been crampy, I'm craving chocolate, my nose is slightly stuffy, I'm exhausted, I have headaches all the time, with a few other tell tale signs... If I don't end up being pregnant, you will not be seeing this, and I will utterly feel completely crazy with this staying on hold in my drafts! So, if you are reading this, I am probably one of the happiest people in this world right now.

I realize with one more baby, it will mean one of the kids will have to share a room. At first, I was feeling down about this. BUT, we will not be living in this house in three years time, and we can find a house with 4 bedrooms to settle into by then. The kids can bunk up- after all my sister and I did until I was in 4th grade. We even shared a full sized bed, to which I am leaning towards if we have a girl, and after she is ready to come out of her crib. If it's a boy, we can get bunk beds, and we're set!

While this was not in our plans, I kind of feel like my heart has lead me here. Right now I am trying to come up with great things to do if that test turns positive to surprise Allen with, and other ways to tell our family- to which I am praying they are all excited and HAPPY about. I know with talking it over with the possibilities with Allen that we both have our hopes up for a baby to really be on the way. I think to us our kids are the most precious things in life we have. Well, they are not things, but are beings, but to us, they are the greatest treasures/gifts in this life that we have right next to our marriage.

On a different note. I am a traitor. I am a big fat traitor if you are reading this my fellow inferitiles. I am no longer an infertile. One, okay- with Hayleigh, I was, but now 2 kids - well one here, and one on the way.... Yeah, I feel like a total hypocrite, traitor, etc. I can no longer classify myself in that category. I have dealt with infertility, but it was just to get Hayleigh. I realize that I am a happy ending to infertility, and this does happen to other people all the time, but I just cannot help but feel for the ones I've left behind on this. I know others out there are struggling to get pregnant, and I didn't have to these past 2 times. I know that that is a real blessing, but... I don't know. I know it is very bittersweet for me is all.

The part that makes this the worst, and I mean the worst, was I was on the pill. I felt funny, and thought I might just be, and I stopped taking my pill after the date the baby would have been a done deal. I jinxed myself when I got off the mirena, after they asked me not once, not twice, but FIVE times if I was sure, and I kept saying put me on the pill light dose, I'm not Fertile Myrtle..... Inserting Foot in BIG fat Mouth! So, if I am pregnant, and you are reading this, we are waiting to see if I have the baby c-section or not. If I don't, Allen will be getting scheduled in right after baby is born to get fixed, otherwise, I will be getting fixed. I'm not even going to say a word about chances of either happening or anything- I've learned my lesson from the Mirena. So, yeah... I don't know what else to say. I just know that I wanted to say something now, before we knew exactly if it was a yes or no kind of deal. I wanted to remember what I felt right this moment. I feel completely anxious, hopeful, and extremely fearful that I am crazy- I'm imagining this all, and I am completely stupid to think otherwise. Because, if I really am not, I don't know if I can go back on that pill now.

All I can say is that I am really HOPING and PRAYING to be able to carry a sweet life once again- it is one of the biggest miracles in this world. To bring life into the world. I think when I've been pregnant, it has been the greatest feeling in this world to me, despite how uncomfortable, or in pain I have been at times. I feel the most beautiful pregnant - swollen ankles, belly and all. After all, bringing life into this world is the greatest thing I have done with my life. Those babies can change the world someday, and will bring love and happiness into this world as well.

If you are reading this, I know that someday this special life will also be reading it one day in the future. Just know you was loved from the moment we thought you was a real possibility and you was not once a regret or a mistake. You was made with love, and brought into a loving home, and we will love and cherish you every single day of our lives. See you soon- most likely in end of May, since neither your brother or sister wanted to wait to meet the world.

We love you sweet angel. 

Love, Mommy 

Another Draft From June... Through Good Times and Bad, We've made it through together~

Today was a good day. I laughed, cried happy tears, and got some stuff done. I'm feeling more upbeat today which feels so much better than grouchy blah. I heard from a friend that I've been emailing back and forth, and spent quite a bit of time playing with the kids. I did everything from reading up on the Saints to debating over getting holy water in the house to help get this cloud looming to move.

Tonight we decided to watch a different set of shows for a change- wedding gown search. While watching the shows it had me thinking back to when Allen and I got married going on 11 years this November. To think that the wedding was the big deal. Now, looking back it was just a small step in the big things. I definitely wish we had Pinterest back then- I think we would have gotten a wedding that more fit us on our budget- I think that most brides from back 5 years or more all can agree on that. I've been tempted to get out my wedding dress that is in a box preserved. I know there is no way I can fit that dress now which is okay. I certainly don't expect Hayleigh to wear my dress when she gets married someday, but what I do want is for her parents to still be in love and still married.

When we got married we thought that this marriage business would be a piece of cake. How hard could it be when we already took care of one another, supported one another, and after all we really loved each other and were best friends. No one tells you just how hard that first year is regardless of what your relationship was before. No one tells you how hard after that first year it will be and continue to get. I guess it's not that being married is hard. Life gets hard. Between bills, money, jobs, trying to even have kids, to having kids, working and working 13 hours away from your family... that's the hard stuff. I think it's the deciding that no matter what happens you will stick it out for each other, you will fight for each other, you will celebrate life and mourn it together. It's not easy, but you do it.

This past week I know I've told my husband at least a hundred times that I'm sorry for not being happy. I know he's hurt as well over the loss, but I think what hurts him most is that he cannot make the hurt of the loss go away or make it any less. I know on Tuesday when I was at that doctor's office by myself getting the D&C done that he wished he could be there to help me through it. He was scared for me- how it would change me, or hurt me. I made it out of it all just fine- better than I even thought I would but I think it was mainly because I had my mind set on the fact that I had to. I had to be okay not only for me, but for him and for the kids. I didn't have time to breakdown even if I wanted to. My husband relies on me to hold our home together while he is away working. It's nothing he has told me or we have talked about, but it's something I have to do for us and for our family.

I was looking at our wedding picture earlier thinking we looked like a newborn baby does. It is a fresh start. From that point on everything is new. Eleven years later we have plenty of hard times, and plenty of great times. Some of the hard times could have broken us- some almost did. But, during it all you learn to change with what life's throwing with you, and you cling to your partner while changing course. Having babies has been the most emotional parts of us being married by far. While we have had our share of fights, I think the hardest fights were us fighting ourselves. We tend to fight more when we are battling ourselves because it's hard to focus on your other half when you cannot even focus or get to terms with yourself. The other things life has thrown at us have been tough, but it was so much easier for us to cling to each other than the self battles we faced. All you can do when those battles hit is be there for your partner, and not leave their side no matter what, even if you have to take a step back and let them have their space you always stay there.

It really just amazes me how far we've come, how much we've changed, and how loving each other through the tough times seems to get easier as time goes by. I know it won't always be that easy to love one another, more hard times will come, but we look forward to the good times to come...Watching our kids grow up together, and being there together for them. I don't know what the future holds for us, but one thing I count on is us being together, still best friends and growing old together. I look forward to watching our kids someday get married and us being there together remembering the day we said our vows and hoping our kids have a strong marriage like we have had.

Rainbows - a post from July I've kept in my drafts until now

Funny how I thought the days of wanting a baby so very badly were gone. Here I sit once again 5 years later from the first time I was in the trying to conceive camp. I have to wait until this Sunday to test, and it is now Thursday. Only 4 people know about this right now, and let me tell you I'm going crazy waiting. I've joined 3 support groups just to vent and have left all 3 within the same week because everyone is soo focused on every single thing. Every possible symptom has me on edge. I know it is not likely that I'll get a positive test, but my hopes are sky high.

I used to not really worry a whole lot while pregnant or getting pregnant that something would be wrong with the baby. Now, I'm scared to death. I just want a happy and healthy baby. That's it.. just ONE more. Now granted if someone upstairs thinks this is funny and gives us two, then I'll still take it. I absolutely hate having to wait to find out. Hate it.

On one of the sites I joined there was a bit about rainbow babies. I'm not big all of these deals they all do- baby dust and all of that, but this did make me sit still and cry for just a minute. It perfectly describes what I feel like now- what I am hoping for. That hope is what has been keeping me going.
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.♥

I read that yesterday evening. Then, last night while lying in bed a thought struck me. (I was not even thinking of the rainbow baby poem. If we do get a baby, it will be considered a rainbow baby) My grandma always used to write in all of our birthday cards: ~"May there always be a rainbow in your heart to help make your dreams come true"... I'm really hoping Grandma was trying to tell me something last night.

I still have this little being pictured in my mind of who we are missing. We are still missing our Charlie. Plain and simple. Now whether we will ever get that little being is not determined yet that we know of. But I hold hope of my little Charlie bug for someday.

**While I was not pregnant after all in that moment in time, it is happening right now. I was so on edge and focused on too much- and it didn't happen. It never has for me when I've been so focused on every little detail. This past month, I made a point to keep myself busy- stressing over every single thing does not help you out one bit. I learned that after my second round of IUI that resulted with Hayleigh after spending the whole month avoiding all pregnancy related stuff. I just made sure I followed my drugs and the schedule, and did not stress over it all.  This time I completely threw myself into my photography- did the trick! Now, I'm just praying everything runs smoothly, but wanted to share this**

Dear Baby

To Our Sweet Little Angel,
It has almost been a whole week since we have found out that you are really there. While I'm so excited and anxious to get to see you on an ultrasound monitor and hear the sounds of your precious heartbeat, I worry for you and pray for you each and every day. I'm scared for you, and don't want to lose you like I did with the last baby back in June.. But if we wouldn't have lost that baby, there would be no you.  I've been watching what I eat, and taking my vitamins like I should and try to take it easy just for you. I've been dreaming of who you will be, and what you will look like. I'm sure you will probably look a lot like your brother and sister do- they look a lot alike, I'm still holding out for you to have dark hair like me like I dreamed about before Hayleigh as born. It doesn't really matter who you will look like- you are already loved so much. As anxious as I am to watch you grow, you are my last baby. I want to enjoy all this time with you as much as I can, because it will all be gone in a blink of an eye, and you will be walking and talking just like your brother is now- who grew up way too fast for me. Feel free to kick, bounce and roll around as much as you can while in my belly, because that will be one of the first things I will miss when you make it out here. I'm sure by the time we are in the final weeks of you making your grand appearance, I'll be changing my mind on this, but I mean it- bounce around all you can just so you can help me stay relaxed knowing your are doing just fine, and your brother and sister can see and feel you moving around too. I'm planning on getting a fetal Doppler so we can listen to your hiccups and heartbeat every day. Both Hayleigh and Reid are so excited- Hayleigh gives you hugs and kisses every morning and night. She says she will take care of you- help feed you, change your diapers, and play with you. Reid gets so excited saying Baby and pointing to my belly where you now live. Your Daddy is also so excited, but worries for you and me both, hoping you are healthy and everything goes smoothly. We are hopefully getting ready to relocate very soon to be with Daddy all the time- it will be nice to have Daddy home with us every day getting to watch you grow, and my belly grow, being able to go to our appointments, and not having to worry about him missing your grand entrance into this world. I know I've said I hope you are a girl, and feel deep down you are a girl, but if you come out being a boy, I'll love you just as much- even though dresses and girly stuff are more fun. I already have your crib, and car seat picked out, and your name if you are a girl. Above all, I hope and pray you are healthy, and keep growing and developing just fine and I can see you thriving in there very soon!

Love you to the moon and back~ Mommy