Painting the Truth..

Disclaimer: Okay, I have been working on this blog post for a few days now, trying to think of what I want to do with my blog... Between working overtime this week at work, to sleep insomnia, and the non-stop kicking and moving of this little girl, I have been completely exhausted. So, if this sounds like I was not in the best mood when I wrote this, it is coming from 8 hrs of good sleep since Saturday for me, along with trying to get all of my other errands done along with this too. Work has been driving me nuts, people have been driving me nuts, the dogs, and lack of sleep have just all gotten to me. So, here it goes.....

I wish that I could be more graceful sometimes, and just smile and let things roll off my back, but, that is not the person God made me to be. I wish that I could just let stuff go, venting about it, and for people just to realize that, my opinion is my opinion, and that is just what I think about things... but, people don't. There are so many things that go on in my life I would love to just spout off about, but, I can't. Why???? Because, I am not the only one who gets the feedback from what has been said. My husband does. I am really thinking of turning my blog into a private matter just so I can go back to what this blog was really started for, or start a new one, and have it for my 2 cents, and have it available by invite only. But, this blog was really made for one thing.. FOR ME. For me to be able to write about my feelings and about what all is happening in my life, battling infertility, and life. I hate having to worry about what other people think. I do not disclose names of the people that should be left private on here. After all this is my blog. There are soo many great things that do happen in my life that I would love to gush over and let the whole world know about, along with the things that upset me. After all, I am only human, and pregnant with raging hormones and now lack of sleep. I really am getting heartburn over all of this just as I type this right now, but, things in life are just flat out not fair.

Because of the things that go on in my life, I really do question my faith more than I probably should. It just is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. I find myself going over that quote by Eleanor Roosevelt quite often.. thinking of the people who are not willing to bend for me, but, are asking for me to bend over backwards for them, even though they may not even realize they are doing so. I really wish there was a manual for divorced families on how to get along. I hate being made to feel like I have to "chose" a side, even though it has been 10+ years since the divorce. I hate having to act like one is better than the other... come on you are our mom and dad.. our ONLY mom and dad, why do we have to chose between you? Why is it that when something is given to us, no matter what the occasion, or for what ever reason the gift was given, that it turns into a resentful competition? Why is it that you cannot even stand to be in the same room together, and do it for us? Did you ever really just think of me, or my family to be, before you acted like that, and just swallow your pride, or forget about what happened a long time ago, no matter who was at fault? I understand that this is all a new thing, not like the past, when everyone's parents were still married, but, please for our sake figure this out without dragging us in the middle of everything. If you cannot find it in yourself to do it for us, think about this little girl coming into the world in a short amout of time from now, and how you would like for her to see things in this world.

I realize that there are some people who do a lot for me, but, I really hate it when they hold it up over my head, like I am in eternal debt to them. Believe me, I am really really grateful to have you in my life and to have your help. I also hate it when people tell you or your spouse that you really don't want to do something, or question if you are really any good at something, even though it is something that makes you happy in life. We are supposed to build our loved ones up, not smack them down. Dreams are there for us to try to reach, don't rip them away from us! I know when Allen and I got engaged, we were young...19 years old. I can tell you from our first kiss, I knew Allen was the one I would spend my life with,I felt it. When we got engaged, no one was happy about it. NO ONE. After all, what did they all expect? We had dated for 3 years, known each other since the 4th grade, and were good friends for the whole year before we even started dating. So why was it such a big deal that we wanted to get married? We both had jobs, and could take care of ourselves after all. Yet, there are people all over the world that do things "backwards" to me anyway, and nothing is ever said about those people. I still to this day resent a whole lot that was said to us, and wish that people could have been more happy for us, and told us they were. There were some that tried to talk us out of even getting married the day after we were engaged. There were no congrats to us then, which really made me worry about when we were going to tell everyone that we were pregnant, even though we had been married for 6 years, and together for 10 years. I did not want a repeat of what had happened over 6 years before that. To my surprise we did have a lot of congrats, and everything went smooth for a while. Things have moved on now, obviously, and I guess now everyone can rest, knowing that our marriage was a good thing, and we have a happy and fulfilling marriage that gets stronger every day. We have been building our marriage up slowly, but, surely, now finally getting to start our family. I do want to say that I am grateful that we had all of the time that we did together before jumping into parenthood. Not a whole lot of people have to wait 5 years after getting married to start a family. But, to each his own.
There are things in life that really frustrate me, that I know I have no control over, and know I shouldn't be upset over, but, there are certain things that do get to me. I know one thing I am not alone with is my issues with becoming a parent. I have a few friends that have rode on that infertility roller coaster and know exactly how I feel about this. I guess that unless you have to work for something soo special, you really don't realize how special something is. I know that we are most likely more grateful for Hayleigh, than some people would be about having a child they did not wait years to get. I guess that it is all about living the experience. Unless you were there, you wouldn't understand. There are other things in this world that I just don't get, that really makes me question my faith too. I don't understand how in this world we can put someone on the moon, and still need a place like St. Jude's Children's hospital. Why is it that there are all of these children growing up without parents, either because they are foster children, or their parents just flat out do not care enough to be with their kids, and yet, there are people out there that would give a child a great stable home, would make great parents,but, cannot have children of their own? Why anyone could kill a baby through abortion, because they were either not careful, or the pregnancy is an inconvenience for them. I don't understand how or why in this country someone can work their whole lives and not get anything for it, but, the people that do not work, get a check for staying home and not working. After all, even though I work part-time, I work everyday, and there is money coming out of my check every week to go to someone who could physically be working, but, would rather stay home and just collect a check. I do not understand why the people that I work with, reward or baby the people who do not want to work yet pile it all on the people who do, do the work. But, these things happen.

There is a whole list of other things that get to me, probably just the same as a lot of other people, but, I would be here all night listing them off, I am sure. Anyway, you get the point. Some things just hit closer to home, and I just cannot talk about them on here because some people do not share the same views as I do, and cannot respect my opinion on my blog.

So, the dilemma is still out there.. separate blog, or private blog... you tell me what you think I should do, since I am having a hard time deciding for myself.

Please leave me a comment with your 2 cents, so, I can decide what to do with mine...

26 wks.. Hayleigh- you will never know how special you really are!

We have made it to 26 wks today, and I could not imagine life any other way than it is right now. Hayleigh kicks constant now. I know when we finally get to meet her, I will really miss having these kicks and hiccups going on in there, even though it feels soo funny right now. I had a doctor's appt today. Everything went great.. I have only gained 2 lbs in the last 5 wks, so, that is great! I have gained a total of 12lbs according to my chart, which my goal is still 30 or less pounds for the total pregnancy. I am really proud of this. Some days it feels like all I do is eat, eat, and eat, and then being too exhausted to do much. Other days, I feel skinny, even though I'm not, and full of energy. Even Sandy was cheering me on, on my weight gain, after last appointment's scolding. Hayleigh's heartbeat on the fetel monitor ended up being 165 bpm. When Sandy was trying to take it, she was squirming around, and even kicked the fetel monitor in Sandy's hand. I felt it, and made a whooh sound, and Sandy commented on how she had just seen that kick, and how she had directly kicked the fetel monitor in her hand as well. She also commented on how active Hayleigh was, which is really a great sign for a healthy baby! I just hope she likes sleep after she comes. After the usual, I was sent on my merry way, and actually remembered to schedule an appointment  BEFORE I left. (After the last appt, I forgot, and we just left... but, we also just found out what we were having too!) I go back in 2 weeks for my glucose screening, which to say the least, I do worry about. I just hope to God, that it comes back okay. I have heard all about the second screening, after you fail the first, and I don't know if anyone would want to see what will come from that... not eating from midnight on to about 8am... no thank you! So, for now, set for Tuesday, the 27th of April.. 28wks along, to do the screening.

One thing that I cannot say enough, is that how happy I am to be bringing this little girl into the world. Everything is becoming more real, with every kick and move, she is getting stronger everyday! I just want to let this little girl know,  you will NEVER know just how special you really are to us, especially me! You are one of my dream come trues! With everyday that passes, I dream of who you will become, and what kind of a person you will be. I am sure that the acorn will not fall far from the tree. I just hope you have respect for others, and yourself among all, have the heart to help anyone in need, you have a appreciation for anything, no matter how big or small, good morals that everyone can see that you live by, and above everything, have love to share! You have taken sooo long to get here, we had to special order you straight from God, so, no matter what anyone tells you, you are a very, very special little girl! We could not be any more proud of you already! I promise to help you reach all of your dreams, try to make all of your wishes come true, and let you be your own person, and not criticize you for doing what makes you happy in life. You are a miracle!

The recap from the weekend: This past weekend was both great, and not so great. I'll have to do a whole blog on the not so great later. Allen mowed the front and back fenced in parts of our yard, and STRIPPED them both! I am sooo proud of him! He even broke out the weed eater and blower, and did a great job, trying to keep everything like I usually have it. I did get to mow too! I know, I know, not too great of an idea. I ended up mowing our very back part of our yard on the rider. I was surprised I could fit on it! Anyway, our very back part of our yard has no trees, and is completely flat and smooth. Mowing ended up taking me twice the time, since I went as slow as a turtle, jamming out to my stiletto radio as I went around the yard. I made sure and consulted Sandy about this all before I actually did it. Just as long as I took it easy, and did not go beebooping around and mowed no more than what I had in the very back- about 2/3 an acre, I would be just fine, as long as I stayed out of the heat too. Needless to say I was in total bliss, and totally relaxed after that. Kind of like I was mowing deprived in some ways I guess you can say. I ended up getting burst of energy and fixing two big dishes of cavatini for us too. Our weekend ended up being very productive, but pretty good to say the least.

I guess, I had better save the rest for my next post, otherwise, I will be here all night!

Baby Girl M.. Hayleigh's developments of the week:

Week 26 of Pregnancy


Major excitement: Your baby opens her eyes! On the flip side, you might wish yours would stay closed so you could get some sleep.

Your Baby in Week 26 of Pregnancy

What's up with your baby? She now weighs a full two pounds and measures nine-plus inches. And this week, her eyes, which until now were developing under fused eyelids, start to open. Of course, there's not much to see in there, but if your baby spots a bright light (or hears a loud noise) near your belly, you may notice an increase in fetal activity. (“Hey, I'm in here, Mommy! Where’s the party!”) What accounts for that response? Her brain is more developed and sophisticated


Your Body in Week 26 of Pregnancy


If a full night's rest has become elusive, welcome to the (sleepless) world of pregnancy insomnia. Between heartburn and leg cramps, bathroom runs and that big beach ball (with its protruding navel!) beneath your nightie, it's no wonder your body's having trouble calming down and drifting off. But there are lots of tactics to try that should help keep you in bed (and asleep!) instead of pacing the floor; these include daytime exercise, a daily dose of fresh air, and limiting fluids before you hit the hay.
 
Week 26 Pregnancy Tip: Baby's Movements in the Womb




Feel like you're carrying the Karate Kid with all the kicking going on? Your baby is actually practicing all kinds of movements that will eventually be used in life on the outside — including pedaling against your belly, a sort of prewalking skill. As your baby's nervous system becomes more developed, the movements will become much more coordinated. And as the baby gets bigger and stronger, the movements will become much more powerful…and occasionally, even painful to you. If your baby lands a good one, that tiny left hook might hurt — a lot. Another trick she may try — stretching that leg out so far that the foot becomes lodged between your ribs (ouch). Next time you come under attack, try changing positions or doing some stretches of your own. You can also gently push your baby back with your hand when your knee-jerker jerks a little too hard. You just might be able to send your slugger back into the corner of the ring!

Waiting.....

Waiting.. I think this has been the theme of my life for the past few years now. Up until last summer, I had been waiting to get to meet Allen's family on his dad's side. We were waiting for something to happen in our lives... mainly get preggers on our own- fat chance of that happening in 5 years, but, I was still waiting and hoping. Then, last summer, we started waiting to find out what the problem was with not having any kids of our own yet, and finally go to a specialist instead of an OB/Gyno. After I was diagnosed with PCOS, and started moving on forward with the many trips to Evansville, then we were waiting for results. I would take my fertility drugs follow my chart to a "T", just to wait and find out how we did at the many ultrasound appointments- all of which I do not miss going to! Then, we would go in for the IUI, and wait almost 3 weeks to find out if we were preggers or not. After our first failed cycle, waiting to get to start our second IUI. Going through the second IUI, and waiting once again those 3 pesky weeks to see if it worked. Then, I was waiting for those pink lines to pop up, which the wait for that test to give me an answer did not take long, it was after I woke Allen up, and we had to wait to tell anyone. Waiting yet again! After the blood test, and my HCG levels were high, then, I was pacing the floor, waiting to see how many babies we had- a possibility of up to four then. Then, there were 2 babies, and I would wait until we could go back and see them again on the ultrasound, and wait to get released from the clinic in Evansville. We only ended up with one baby after that, and I was waiting for each appointment to make sure that our baby grew... waiting for the 3 month mark to finally breath. Made it to the 3 month mark, and then, waited to find out what we were having, finally found out we were having our precious little girl, soon to be named Hayleigh. Then, I was waiting for those first kicks and squirms. Now, I am waiting once again... waiting to get to the baby shower, waiting for us to go and pick up the furniture, and waiting to finally meet this little girl, and bring her home.

So, now, I am still waiting.....

my first round of meds

my first chart for my first IUI cycle that ended up failing

our results from our 2nd IUI - as Allen said that morning at 1am, that is a def yes!

Baby M 5 wks- twins, but couldn't get a clear pic of the 2nd baby

Baby M 7 wks- found out just one baby

Baby M 9 wks - discharged from Evansville

Pic of her face looking right at us
Baby M 21 wks - Girl!

Soon to be Hayleigh Anotonetta McCann

Our house waiting for our family right now....

What is sad, is that I had done a lot of waiting just to get preggers, and some people never do have to wait, instead, it is thrust upon them, or little effort has to be made for it to all work out.

What spurred this was looking at my facebook, and all of the other people in my life right now. I think majority of the women I know right now are preggers. I guess one could say something is in the water right now, but, not for everyone. There are a few people still waiting, just like I was. One of them should be finding out soon if her last visit to the same clinic I had went to was successful or not.. this is her 4th round- I only had to have 2. She has been waiting even longer than I have. Another, is just getting started with the whole roller coaster ride of infertility, starting lower meds for now. But, together, they are still waiting, along with thousands of other people, hoping to just get the chance to be a parent sometime soon. I know some people that had waited, and waited, and that chance never came to them.

Life I guess should be spent waiting, and enjoying the climb, rather than running around with one's head cut off, trying to reach the top as soon as possible. Now, granted, we all have to kick it up a notch every once and a while. If we hadn't kicked into gear, and went to the fertility specialist in Evansville last year, we would still be in 1st gear, waiting to even get started on our family. I guess, what I am saying is that we shouldn't try to blaze through life and climb it like we are on a race, but, at the same time, we shouldn't stall, just sitting in one place either. Sometimes, I know I want to focus on waiting, instead of enjoying the climb up that mountain of life, but, when I just sit back and relax every now and then, and enjoy where I am at for the time being, it makes that wait not soo bad. I guess with all of this rambling, I have had too much time to sit and think about waiting for everything.

The only reason I think that I have been thinking about all of the waiting, is that I know I will not have as much time to think about waiting here very soon, and, I am getting limited on how much I can actually do right now. I have energy, but, what energy I have gets burned soo quickly that I have usually just started getting into something, before I have to take a break. I really think in my mind deep down I have a checklist of what I want in my life...

1. find a great guy and get married......check

2. spend some time just the 2 of us and buy a house... check

3. spend time fixing up the yard and the house..... check

4. get pregnant and start a family........ check

5. ???? watch my family grow.........

6. grow old together and enjoy life........

Now, I know my list is quite a bit more detailed than that, but, I think we all have goals or a checklist that we are waiting to check off a milestone, amongst the little check points in our lives.

We just have to learn to enjoy the wait between each check point in our lives a little more.

Wordless Wednesday... What the Easter Bunny Brought Grandma

Pretty Pink bag for such a Sweet Little Girl!

This is what the "Easter Bunny" brought my mom this year... She said she did not want candy or anything like that, so, I thought this would be just as sweet! My mom LOVES the color PINK, so, I had to get this. I had found this on Ebay quite a while ago, and had saved it for when we found out what Baby M was. I already have 2 diaper bags, and since my mom is soo independent with her own stuff, I thought this would be something useful for her. The diaper bag is pink/lime green, and has Hayleigh embroidered on the belly of the bag in the curlz font. You can get the bag in about any color combo, with different fonts for lettering also. If anyone is interested in purchasing one, the diaper bag was $28.00 which is not too bad, with free embroidery. The seller I got it from, did not have an Ebay store, so, you will have to search for it. The seller was happymonograms.

25 wks...Patience and Contentment Please!

Well, I have made it to 25 weeks today with Baby Girl M, and I physically feel great. The other part of me has been kind of..well.. emotional. Patience is a virtue that I currently do not possess, or is very limited to certain groups of people. I guess some groups of people have just been getting to me lately, and my patience for them is pretty much gone before the day even gets started. The two main groups I have had a problem with are the elderly and a few people at work. Everyone else can breath knowing that they are spared the wack of a stick from me... for now.

Some of the elderly have just been driving me plain bananas. I guess the whole "I won't change or make things easier for you and be difficult, because I can, and I am old" card has finally hit the fan. I cannot stand the way they stare, since they are just sitting around and watching everything go on outside, since nothing is on tv. My mom's neighbor is guilty of this. He sits in his front window with binoculars, and watches the neighbors. He finally got up and told my mom about a month ago, that it looked like she was going to be a grandma.... duhh! I guess watched like that really makes me uneasy. Yesterday, Allen and I were almost in an accident with an old lady who was about 75- 80 years old... talking on her cell phone.. yes, a cell phone, and driving, well...trying to drive at the same time. She could not make the turn onto the street we were turning off of without stopping completely and re-gripping the wheel before she took off again. Never once did she put her phone down. I really don't get it. Just because you have had your drivers license for 50+ years, does not mean you are a professional driver. There are lots of other things I see driving that these older people are doing/not doing.... running red lights, stop signs, not getting over and staying in the middle of the road, not paying any attention to the on coming traffic, and pulling out in front of a car, whipping a car around like they are trying to qualify for a Nascar race, and then driving like they are in a parade after whipping out onto the road.... uggh the list goes on and on. I know these things have been going on all along, but, for some reason, I am really seeing them more now. I guess after riding with someone like this, and observing it from another vehicle both really get me worried. I worry about when Hayleigh gets here, what if one of these people actually does hit us, and hurts us? Not, only me, but, what about someone else's kids? I just worry more about this every day it seems. I just do not want to be involved in an accident with someone that should not even be driving - or have even passed their driving test, and had actually hurt me, Allen, or Hayleigh. I am really afraid of what I would say to that person.

 I guess, the closer Hayleigh gets to being here, the more protective I seem to get of her. Some things I used to think I would be okay with, now, I am not quite sooo sure. Can some people really take care of her the way I would want her to? Will they actually pay attention to her? Strap her car seat in correctly, and drive safely with her? Will they respect my wishes, and hold themselves to the standard that I would hope they would meet with taking care of Hayleigh. I realize things will not be perfect, and I shouldn't stress out about these things, but, thinking about what could happen, really makes me want to just stay home and work from home. I know I would go stur crazy, but, sometimes, I really think I would not care. After all, we have waited a very long time to even get to where we are, I am just worried that something will happen, and we will lose everything we have longed to even have. I know that these feelings are mine and Allen's alone in this. I realize everyone close to us will love Hayleigh, but, they also did not have to go through everything we did just to get her here, and that makes her soo much more important to us than it would to someone else. Until you actually experience infertility, and deal with everything that comes along with it, it is very hard to understand.

The other set of people that bother me any more, are a few people that I work with, which I will not even get into the whole run down on that. I am home and not at work, so, I am okay. At least I can escape from work through the day, and not think about it. The older people thing is everywhere, and that is just something I cannot forget about as easily. 

Now, that I have vented all of that, I really do feel a little better, but, I know these things will either get worse, or not even change at all.

On a good note, I have finally figured out what a baby hiccuping in your belly feels like. This morning it finally dawned on me that what I had been feeling every once and a while, was Hayleigh hiccuping. I guess it is just one of those things I was second guessing this whole time. Kind of just like when you first feel your baby move, and wonder if you really did or not, was it gas, or was it my imagination? I have also been relieved about my sugar/ glucose reading. I had been taking it a few times last week - last night was my third trial at this. After a meal and waiting 2 hours, my reading came back 112. That is a whole lot better than it was a few days ago. Made me breath a sigh of relief. I had been worrying about developing gestational diabetes this whole time. Since I have PCOS, I am at a higher risk for developing gestational diabetes, and with all of the fruit I eat, it really makes me worry sometimes. I do not go in for the glucose test until week 28.... coming up really really soon now! So, hopefully, I can keep this all leveled out, and not have to worry later on about it.

On the ending with a good note, I gues it will end on Hayleigh's developments for 25 wks.

How your baby's growing


Head to heels, your baby now measures about 13 1/2 inches. Her weight — a pound and a half — isn't much more than an average rutabaga, but she's beginning to exchange her long, lean look for some baby fat. As she does, her wrinkled skin will begin to smooth out and she'll start to look more and more like a newborn. She's also growing more hair — and if you could see it, you'd now be able to discern its color and texture.