Baby G

I've been feeling a lot better lately about my last ultrasound- hoping to see more this coming Thursday which is also my mom's birthday too. I've been back on the baby name debate, and had started to reconsider using our name we had picked out for the last pregnancy, Charlotte Cecilia Rae. I think that name has now been laid to rest. People may think it's silly, or stupid for my reasoning, but this is my beef with that name. That name was for that baby. When I thought about using that name again, and really started to contemplate it, I started spotting this pregnancy. I don't know if any of you have seen the movie or read the book, Heaven is For Real, but I have. The part that struck me the most in that movie was when the little boy was in heaven, an older little girl came up to him and wouldn't stop hugging him. He asked her what her name was, and she didn't have one. (I'm bawling right now as I type this). Anyway, the little boy's parents had a miscarriage before they knew what gender the baby was- it was early on. I could go on and on about how that breaks my heart, but I won't, and how the movie goes on after that, but you will have to read the book, or watch the movie for yourself. Anyway, all I can think about is this little being up in heaven with no name, and us giving her name to another baby. I can't do it. I'm not going to go on and on about our baby Charlotte- we don't even know what the baby was, but I do know that name that was reserved for that baby, will not be used for this baby. I want that baby to at least have a name up in heaven even if they do not have anything showing they were here for how little of time it was. I feel bad I threw out almost everything- the pregnancy tests, the balloons from that pregnancy. But, I did save the announcement cards I had with my final blood draw. I just could not bear to have those things I tossed to remind me of something that ended so terrible. This time, I tucked the tests away in the cedar chest along with Hayleigh and Reids tests, and all my charts and treatment stuff. I already have a new name picked out- it just keeps coming to me- kind of like when you try on your wedding dress, you just know that it's the one. I just have to convince my husband of this name now, but I think we can compromise on it. This baby, I can already picture in my mind. I see a little girl with brown hair- I might be proven wrong on hair color, but I see a sweet little girl with brown curly hair. Either way, this is my Georgie baby- so fitting as to the antique baby doll my sister and I fought over my mom had I called baby George. So Georgie is going to make it, we will get to meet them, hopefully her next Spring. And I already have her middle name picked out as well, I will save as a surprise, but the initials also spell something just like Hayleigh and Reid's both do- I have goosebumps!

Late Night Pondering Off the Cloud and On the Ground Looking UP

I've been too anxious to be on here lately. There has been lots of things making me busy and have just been swirling around. My late night ponderings have steadily made me question everything I know. Just Monday, I started spotting. It ended up being a one time bathroom trip deal, but scared me to my core once again and knocked me onto my ass and off of my nice fluffy cloud I have been sitting on. Everything was fine until Wednesday morning, I woke up spotting once again. But this time it wasn't a one time deal- ended up lasting the whole day and evening. I was in a state of panic, thinking back to back in May when I spotted with my last pregnancy. I had booked an ultrasound for Thursday anyway, but had had enough to call in to get checked out that day. I scrambled the whole morning, and ended up having to take Hayleigh with me to the appointment right after she got out of preschool late. Reid was staying with a friend that I am thankful for and thankful I dropped him off before going to Hayleigh's preschool. I was so nerved up that I left my cell phone in the excursion. Hayleigh and I waited what seemed like forever- no phone to tell me what time it was. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her I was scared. She hugged me and told me I was alright that she had me and it would be okay- same thing I tell her when she's scared. I am thankful her class did get out late because my little four year old was there for me. We spent our time talking about her day at school. She told me she had fun and really likes her teacher. She loves playing with the toys there and drawing. I finally got called back, and my blood pressure was through the roof- 130/80.  I knew it would be. Hayleigh got a sucker and we went back to the room. We made small talk with the nurse, and waited forever again for the doctor to come in. She was very dry, and quick, and short. Not what I was needing right then. We saw the yolk sac and the sac, just not a baby yet. All we can do is go back in a week and see how things have progressed. I left feeling just as worried as before. The new receptionist didn't help in taking 10 minutes to figure out how to schedule my next appointment and cancel my one for the next day. I ended up finally making it home with both kids and taking a long nap, relaxing the rest of the night. I did consult the Internet and found that what I saw was very common, and I most likely ovulated very late this time. So, I haven't spotted today, and I'm trying to keep optimistic and as positive as I possibly can.

It's funny how all I ever worried about was getting pregnant. Pretty much, I didn't worry really as much as I do now to sustaining a pregnancy. I'm scared I am getting older, so my eggs are probably getting ehhh, I have joked to Allen that my uterus is now hostile. Used to, once that stupid stick had 2 lines or said positive, you were golden. Now.. I'm almost afraid to sneeze. It really amazes me how bedside manner is lacking in an area that is very sensitive. I am very anxious to switch to a midwife as soon as everything checks out. My past experience with OBGYNs has not been too great. My first tried to tell me I was too young to worry about infertility- I was young and it would happen- stupid MALE asshole. Second one was all up for diagnosing my infertility but his office had a crappy way of doing things- would not bill my insurance for diagnostics covered by my insurance and wanted me to pay in full up front over a thousand dollars. The specialist were great I dealt with, then I moved on to my first midwife. I LOVED her- she always remembered what we talked about- took great notes and care to know her patient. I had to see a OBGYN then before delivering just to have one on standby in case of surgery- she was cold, short, and dry. My midwife stayed the night with me laboring- not in the room, but checked on me often, and was there a few hours after I had Hayleigh. With Reid when I found out I was pregnant, she ordered tests, and followed up with me to make sure everything was fine. I moved out here to Colorado, and got another midwife- she was good- not as good as my first, but I was happy with her. Then I got pregnant in April, and my midwife was no longer here, so I decided to go with an OBGYN in her office that was on maternity leave. Decided to see an associate there- MALE doctor for my first couple appointments. Well, we can remember how that went. He blew me off, never even called or checked my charts or blood work he ordered- took a Friday off, and I still had to call him. I watched this same doctor that blew me off deliver a baby a little over a week ago. It was weird, and I didn't breath a word. I then went back to the same doctor that had been good to me and took care of business of what Male Dr. could not do, and she was very cold this time. I don't know where the personable part of being a doctor has went with all of these people. It is really sad that I'm guessing that their jobs have turned into just that a job... I'm just hoping and praying in the meanwhile that I make it though this all and get to switch to a midwife after we move.

I miss living on that cloud of not worrying or having to really worry about anything going wrong. Truth is I had been very lucky. Once we fall or have something bad hit us hard, it's hard to get back up and look at things the same way ever again.