Enough

I know...MIA, I know. There has been lots of changes in the past 4 months. Eva can roll over, we moved into a new house, I'm expecting again- yes you just read that right, Allen survived another layoff, and Hayleigh has started Kindergarten. Whew!!! That's a lot of changes.

One of the other changes I've been pretty quiet about and have had lots of time to think over it is a change in our family. I don't know if anyone else out there has ever had to disown part of their family, or their extended family, but that is something new we finally had to do in our household. I think when enough is enough, and you've had all you can take, it just naturally happens.

About once a month I get notified about more mud slinging. It's funny how some people can act like they care so much on social media, but behind closed doors, it's a completely different story. If you know me, and know me well, I'm very protective of our family, and everything in our little circle. If you had someone attacking your family, how would you handle it? It would probably depend on what was happening, and what all was involved right? For the past few months, I've been accused of being a spiteful, hateful, mean mother/wife that wants nothing more than to make others miserable. I've had so many mean and hateful things said about me from people who act like they know me, but are just mere acquaintances.

This all stems from a misuse of social media by a relative. I have one and only one rule for this person. ABSOLUTELY NO Sharing of my personal pictures of the kids on social media for this person. What does this person do every 3 months? Goes on a sharing spree because she wants pictures to appear on her personal profile page, not understanding that those pictures do not stay put there and will move. We would have a talk about not sharing, because this person would play dumb and act like they had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, and swear they would not do it again.... 3 months later, shared pictures.....

The problem I had with this is not that the pictures are on social media. This person friends everyone and their dog- people she doesn't even know. She really reminds me of the essurance commercial with the old lady taping pictures on her living room wall and going on about how easy it is, and not having a clue that's not how things work- you've probably seen it. If not, get on youtube and check it out. Anyway, a couple of years ago a person approached this relative in the hospital and went on and on about my kids. The relative had absolutely no idea who the person was, and how they could see the pictures... come to find out that person had been friended and was seeing pictures that had been shared, thus the sharing restriction was put into place. This whole forgetting and playing dumb has been going on for the last few years. The comments that would be put with the pictures had absolutely nothing to do with the pictures- full of weather reports, time, temps, trips to Walmart, etc... you get the idea.

This past May, the 3 month cycle came to an end and pictures were on a sharing spree yet again. So, instead of fighting this anymore, I decided to just block the relative, and act like my account was closed- end of the problem... or so I thought. WELL another relative decided to jump in and make it all her number one business as well. This person called me nasty names on social media, cussed me, and then proceeded to call my house, my cell, and my husbands cell like a crazed stalker. I went ahead and blocked that person as well- there is no point in arguing with a person who is so narrow minded they are unwilling to negotiate, and try to come to a solution to a problem, instead attacks and blaming and cussing.

We were going to give it all a few weeks to blow over and go from there. That was put on a halt when this person that went crazy made a post on social media that she had done the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her whole entire life and block her son on social media. How can blocking your son on social media be the hardest thing you've ever done???!!!! If you've been following, yes this person that had been attacking our family was indeed my mother in law. sigh... If you're lucky you are gifted with a great mother in law who keeps her nose out of your marriage, doesn't make snide remarks about you or mean jokes about you, she is supportive, and wants what makes her son happy. Not mine. She's hated me from day #1 along with the other person who was restricted from sharing- her adoptive mother, and also my estranged sil. They've tried to get my husband to leave me when we were dating, after my husband proposed, they all made snide remarks and tried to talk us out or rather him out of getting married to me. As you can imagine this has not been an easy deal- loving someone so great, and their family over stepping their bounds. There is a time to cut the cord, and as read during our wedding, the two shall leave their mother and father and become one. I think they both seriously were asleep for that part.

To go back and see where this is all going and to see why the decision we have made was made, I'll give as short of a briefing as I can. For the past 15 years and into our marriage there has been fights, bullying, snide remarks about our fertility, parenting, and everything that should not be said has been said to us. We've turned the other cheek and went on- for the entire time with no apologies made.

We wanted our kids so badly and struggled and waited so long for them. For some reason they fail to see this. My husband's half sister is included in all of this ( the estranged sil). So for the past 12-13 years some of these family members have endured physical and emotional abuse, and one has initiated it to her daughter that just happens to be the same age as Hayleigh. That is sick to me. Every time concern was given from us about both, it got swept under a rug like it was nothing to worry about. Apparently being beaten and abused is not as important as staying with your mother just because that person birthed you. Beating and cussing a 4 month old baby was apparently acceptable- I look at Eva that will be 5 months old this weekend and it makes me shudder and cry to think of calling her an fing *B and spanking her repeatedly. The abuse has went on and on with that child to the point to hand prints were completely left on her poor legs.

 The other family member has been emotionally abused in front of me, and I've heard countless stories about it all the night her husband was arrested for physically assaulting his sister the night Reid was born. This person has a rap sheet of assault and anger issues stemming back to when he shot his own son while missing his ex wife- went to prison over that one. The person who is married to the abusing guy still is and will not leave him probably because of the "church" they are involved with- trying to fix the issues themselves when none are trained licensed professionals. We do not care for him- he gives a bad vibe and with his given record, we really do not want him anywhere around our family.

The child abuser has also neglected her daughter- smoking in a car with her, doesn't give her proper fitting clean clothes, bathes, and a steady home, hopping from couch to couch, letting anyone watch her child while she strips at a local strip club that is shady.  There was a recent report that the little girl had head lice for over 2 whole weeks before it was taken serious enough to take care of it.

With just that stuff alone, we just cannot allow that around our family, especially our kids who we love and protect. I do not understand how a mother that has gone through cycles of abuse her whole adult life from bad relationships would want her kids and grand kids to be involved in another abusive bad relationship. It is her choice to stay- we've tried to help her out of the relationship, but she will not leave. What is just as sickening is her own daughter abusing her daughter. Not surprising from being brought up in a home with abusive relationships I guess.

Anyway, with all of the bullying on social media, posts being made about them being victims and how I am keeping the kids away from them unfairly, we just cannot allow it anymore. These people whine how they miss the kids sooo much, and would do anything for them, but have they once tried calling, or even sending mail or reaching out and trying to make nice to see them? NOPE. Instead, they have been attacking me for the most part on posts with all of their friends and their extended and adopted families jumping in like a pack of dogs smearing me and my husband. Do any of them even know us personally, or even know everything that has been going on? NO. But all are so quick to jump on the band wagon calling me a crazy stupid *B, and going on about my poor husband and the kids, and how my husband needs to grow balls and stand up to me when he made his own decision for himself.

 Would ANYONE in their right mind let people who are bullying, name calling, slandering, and living abusive lives around their family? I can answer that one... a big F* NO! I do not care who you are, but when you start attacking me or my husband or kids, you will NOT be included on anything in our lives. Is that bat shit crazy, or is that just called being a protective parent/wife/husband???? The thing that drives me the most bananas is the restricted social media person trying to guilt my husband into giving in... she's dying, or she just cannot live without seeing the kids, or you should call your mom because she still cares for you..... Yeah, she cares enough about you to attack your wife and you on social media. She cares so much for you that she gave you away when you was only 3 weeks old. SMH... it's all a big mess and this restricted person is chanting in on these bullying posts cheering her on, sharing pictures with her, and going on about prayers being answered. Where I'm from that's called being a two faced joker with a shit stirring stick.

I am at my whit's end with it all right now. We have enough going on with the economy trying to stay alive up here and my husband still have a job, this pregnancy, Hayleigh's school, and we are still not done unpacking into our new house. Last thing I want to do is have my husband who is worried enough about everything else to have this stupid crap to worry about- the restricted person does a good enough job at messaging and calling him while he's a work enough.

 All we want is to be left alone and just everyone move on. BUT... that cannot happen when they keep posting rants on social media attacking me/us going on they would tell us these things to our face, but they won't even attempt anything off of making a pity me post for attention. Bottom line is if you want to be a grandparent or aunt, act like one. Have respect for your son's marriage and for his family. Don't say hateful things, and most of all, do not attack them on social media. How hard is that???

So if you're wondering why I haven't updated the pictures on my blog, or what has been going on, there you go.... wading through shit and trying to get shit done...

FIrst O-town visit with the trio

Yes, I am very aware I am WAAAAAAYYYYY behind on my updating. My pregnancy flew by entirely way too fast, and I know a lot of catch up posts are in order so I can have Eva's birth story on here as well.

We are currently nearing the end of our visit here in O-town right now. I find myself missing home more and more each day, and trying to squeeze my time in with people I have wanted to see in person in what seems like forever into a few days and hours. sigh... it is what it is, and Friday is looking like I'm going to need an energy drink.

Something high on my list besides a few people I'm wanting to see is spending one on one time with Hayleigh and Reid. Those two haven't had me to themselves since I cannot tell you when. I'm planning on taking Reid to see Jurassic World on Friday night, and getting pedicures with Hayleigh as well.

Reid has been testing and testing me lately here- everything is different here, and he is trying to get as far as he can here.

The humidity here sucks. Just down right is awful- something I definitely do not miss one bit. I feel like such an outsider in some places. Some people we've lost our click with, others it is still going strong. Makes me sad, but it is part of life. I just know I don't fit in here anymore. I thought I really didn't fit in Williston, but after just a few days here, it was blatenly clear that we, or I do fit in back home more so than I do here. Funny isn't it? Out of all the places I miss right now, that would be Colorado, even though Williston has really become our home. I miss our friends we left behind there because our likelihood of traveling back there much is slim, even though I would love to just go back there. Basically I miss our family and friends here in O-town, but not the area, and I miss both the area and our friends back in Colorado. Williston I just miss our routine and it's home now.

Allen and I 've been talking about where to settle down. To buy a house, or not to. I think we've settled on not to buy in Williston for now- scares the crap out of us if it goes bust there, or everything moves- then we are stuck. We are wanting to check out Cody, WY though, but in all reality, our home will be where Allen's work is for the next 5-10 years. I know we went 9 years apart, and only 8 months together, but I really don't think we could go back to being apart again. If we had to - then yes, but want to, NOPE.

Back to our visit... it's been a pretty interesting visit to say the least. Some things have surprised me, some things never change, I've been emotional over other things, and finally ready to say goodbye to others. People we once clicked with, but don't now, I'm ready to let go of and just say goodbye for now, and others it absolutely amazes me how we are still able to still get each other even though we are miles away. Seeing our families getting older really saddens me in ways. Everything around here seems to stay the same except people are growing older. My grandparents I always have pictured in my head are growing a lot older. It is a real possibility every time we see them and say goodbye, it could very well be the last. My grandpa has really gotten forgetful - part of getting old. I told Allen after our visit that I didn't want to get old.

We did get Reid and Eva baptized during Saturday night's mass. It was very emotional walking up that same aisle I did growing up- I was the first girl server in that church and served for quite a few years there, my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary there, I was baptized there, had my first communion & confirmation there, I've been in weddings and attended funerals there. Hayleigh was baptized there, and I prayed countless times for our family that seemed like it would never start there.  That is home for me. With each step we took up that aisle, my eyes were tearing up carrying Eva, walking along with Allen and our kids. The pitcher used to baptize the kids had once belonged to Grandma Weidner.. it felt like everything was just meant to be. Reid was not too sure of everything, and I was proud of him and proud of his Godparents we picked for him. We feel truly blessed to have them in our family for not just Hayleigh, but also with Reid. If I ever had any couple to look up to for inspiration on how to raise a family, it would be them.

While I am eager to get back home, I am not eager for time to keep running by so stinking fast. We get back, I have to start potty training Reid, and get ready for Hayleigh to start Kindergarten. I am not at all thrilled about either of those things, along with Hayleigh turning 5 years old next Tuesday morning. I just wish everything would slow down and be easier on me. I swear the older we get, the harder everything gets. I've quit thinking in 10 years I'll have this all figured out, we will have things done we want to get done, everything will roll out easy... in 10 years, Hayleigh will be getting her driving permit, and I'll be 42... I think I'm finally smart enough to realize now that nothing will get easier, and I'll probably still be having a midlife crisis then. Turning 35 seems like it will be hard, but I know 40 is coming and it will be harder to swallow. So, I'll just sit here trying to keep taking everything in, and enjoy it all while I can.

What keeps me up at night before Benadryl kicks in.

With the added popping out of my bump lately, there have been other things popping up that worry me. Some I have no control over and I know I cannot do anything but ride them out but others I know I can do something about them and they leave me searching for the best choice.

#1 and foremost. OIL or rather the price per barrel. I know we are fine now but I worry about it going down- way down. Right now we are okay until April- conveniently the month I'm expecting Eva and the busy month above all. I just hope and pray everything gets steady and calm.

#2 our kids. They have been doing soo good. I haven't spent hardly any time away from them. We've been talking about getting a sitter BUT I'm picky and that's quite alright to be picky about who watches them. Some people I just sit and worry or cringe thinking about what they would do with our babies. I know non parents wouldn't understand this as much or as fully but those kids are my life or rather our life. I miss our Kim sooooooo much it isn't funny. She actually played with them, the time she spent was focused on them not on the bare minimum she had to do with them. She cared is the biggest thing and that is very hard to find- someone who actually cares and enjoys spending time with your kids. I worry about people not caring while I'm out trying to enjoy myself for a few hours. I feel guilty without them with us wondering how awful of a time they are having or how poorly they are taken care of while we pay for it. I'm worrying about going to the hospital and I'm half tempted to just take them with me. I know it's not ideal but it is what it is.

#3. Birth photos. I obviously cannot have the baby and take the pictures at the same time. Right now a clone would be the perfect answer to the child are and photography honestly. I'm looking at hiring out just the birth only. I'll get the recovery on after. I don't want Allen to have to take them and I think my mom will have to be doing the child care. She's not great at taking pics anyway so I do to want to make her nervous operating my camera. The biggest problem is I just cannot hand my camera to someone and expect the same as what I can do. It's not a point and shoot for one, and two taking pictures is not just something you just do. Your creativeness shines through on this. There is a big difference in positioning yourself right and settings you adjust. So I'm hoping to be able to hire someone that isn't an arm and a leg to help me out on this.

#4 keeping up around the house with meals, cleaning, and just taking care of everyone and thing. I've started not being fully capable of carrying baskets of clothes up or down our long flight of stairs. I'm nervous about falling since I can't hold the basket like I usually do. So I have to rely on Allen to help me with this now. The dogs have been driving me crazy-especially Ellie.

#5 I worry about Eva. All I want in the end is everyone to be happy and healthy. Reid was born into a scare - he wasn't breathing. The hospital staff did a great job of keeping calm and both Allen and I didn't fully realize what was happening until he was in the clear. I just sang a smooth non complicated labor and delivery. All of us happy healthy and go home just fine.

#6 I lastly worry about not only Allen's stress from his job but me bring able to handle everything on my end myself. It's a lot what I will be taking on, ANC I can't add a lot of it onto Allen's plate. I had a good cry to him last night about this. Ellis has been difficult on the potty in her crate and just chewing in general. Some days I really hate her. Yesterday was one of those days. I don't want to bed the mom that yells all the time about everything. So the shock collar will be coming out on Monday for Ellie.

Anyway, I'm trying to prepare and adjust the best I can for things to come and things already happening now.
I still feel like I've failed pretty much most days with what all I wanted to do or get done - mainly with the kids. But I know I'm doing the best I can and that's what matters most.

26 weeks - Cue Body Pillow

So we've been trucking right along with this pregnancy. I'm already 26 weeks!! As about like click work I've started to get uncomfortable sleeping. I have more round ligament pain and someone's been having a tumbling session. The past 2 nights I've had to have my pillow and Benadryl to fight insomnia. My back hurts of course and its a 3 step operation turning in bed not even counting arranging pillow and blankets. Last night I had a heck of a time with my boppy pillow, trying to get it just right, then the sheet and duvet wouldn't cooperate and go over the top. I was panting and huffing catching my breath while Allen snored away. I ended up elbowing him to help me. He laughs and says you wanted this. I replied with no I wanted a baby, not to be uncomfortable. Funny how you forget how that part is when baby fever hits.

I've begun the kick count or rather kick watch to make sure Eva's moving like she should be. My belly looks kind of like a waterbed now. Ones our with a butt sliding across with a lump moving around then a shake from what ever she does in there. The kids are fascinated with it of course.

We go in a week from Friday for glucose test and ultrasound then we are set to go every 2 weeks for the next 2 months then a week by week basis unless anything changes.

I've started slowing down once again this week. I'm now getting worried about keeping up with everything- meals in particular since I just had about aonth span of having energy once again.

I know we will manage. I just hope that the oil settles down and goes back to normal. I really don't want to be moving anywhere especially right before Eva's born.

Remembering the Storm to Appreciate the Rainbow

So I've been getting pictures and everything rounded up to start working on Ms Eva's birth announcement video. I've been thinking about how I'm going to present this one, what things need to be in it, and I can't help but think of Charlie.

For those who just started following along last April, we found out we were expecting baby #3. Everything was going smoothly- I even managed to keep the secret from Allen that I had found out we were pregnant for 4 whole days. The kids and I arranged to pick him up at the airport and give him the big news all on video. Reids pregnancy announcement to him was over the phone and Hayleigjs was at 1:26am, so I wanted this last time to be special. I got an appointment made for 10-1/2 weeks for when he would be home again, so he could go to the first appointment for this baby since he missed both Hayleigh and Reids. As you can figure out right about now, that appointment was the closest to hell on earth I've ever experienced. It went south really fast. No heart beat could be seen. After many blood tests and just trying to get out of there, followed by more blood test, being blown off by my fill in OB, switching OBs and finally getting a D&C done, I found peace. As you've noticed, Ms Eva was called Georgie from day #1. With that pregnancy it was Charlie. We were planning on calling the baby Charlie if boy, Charlotte if a girl. Same with Georgie, but Allen wouldn't jump on the Georgina band wagon, so we agreed on Eva- I'm still trying to sneak Georgina in for the middle name with no success so far. Anyway for a while there I had nightmares about the baby we lost. The only thing that kept my head out of the fog was to focus on what we could do. I knew I couldn't sit snd wallow in the pit of depression over that baby we lost and I wouldn't let that one event be the end of us having kids- the decision would not be made for me in such a bad ending with what ifs. So, I talked Allen into actually trying for another- if it didn't work out within the next 6 months, then I could be at peace knowing we were done. I was told after my d&c the next 3 months would be the best chance of I had one. It took me over 6 years with treatment to get Hayleigh and 18 months with no treatment to get Reid. The baby we lost was 9 months. So I didn't have my hopes set sky high, but I would give it a real go at this- all in or nothing. A month after I had the go ahead from my OB, I got the faint pink line on a pregnancy test. I immediately called and woke Allen up because of how planning has worked out in the past. After that I flirted with the name Charlie again, and I started having nightmares and started bleeding. I stumbled upon watching God is For Real, and bawled on the part the boy tells his parents about his sister with no name. I could not let a baby I've never met not have a name, so Charlie is that baby's name. Since coming to terms with that I haven't bled any or had nightmares.

Fast forward to today, I still have a pit of worry in my stomach while trying to enjoy this pregnancy. We had the trisomy 18 scare and go back for follow up ultrasound on the 6th. Ever since Charlie my sense of cloud 9 no wrong can happen has been shattered even though I've witnessed my friends lose babies- in the beginning of their pregnancies or at the end of term. You never really get it until it happens to you and rocks you to your core. Anyway, Charlie will be remembered with Eva's birth to which I hope goes smoothly with no complications. It's just been hard thinking and celebrating how Eva's birth will be when Charlie did not get that. But if Charlie would have been born back in December, there would certainly be no Eva. I know you could never choose to not have any of your children no matter how long they were here, but it is bittersweet in being thankful for a storm you have weathered that did take one dream but brought you through to a rainbow of another new dream only because of that storm. So today, Charlie has been on my heart and Eva's been kicking and bouncing reminding me of my rainbow soon to come.